Sean Connery Joke
Discussion
Becks gets called into Fergies office
"I'm a bit worried about your drop in form David. Do you want to talk to me about it?" askes Fergie
"Well boss, I have had sum'ink on my mind. I've not slept for days" Replies David
"Ok son, you know you can talk to me. What is it that's bothering you?" Enquires a worried Ferrgie
"I don't want to bovver you wiff it Boss" says Beckam
"C'mon son, is it Victoria or Brooklyn thats keeping you awake at night" insist's Fergie
"No, no boss" says David .."We got this great jigsaw. It has a big picture of a Tiger on the front & everyfink .... But I can't do it ... It's been worrying me & everyfink boss" says a sheepish Becks
"You mean to say your forms dropped 'cause of a stupit bloody jigsaw" roars Fergie
"Sorry boss, sorry, but I cant stop finnking about it" says Becks
Seeing how this is effecting his star player Fergie says "OK son, you bring it in tomorrow and I'll help you put it together"
Sure enough the next morning Beckam bounces into Fergies office and empties the box of bits on to Fergies desk.
"See boss, 'ere it is. It has a great picture on the front of a big Tiger & everyfink. But I can't do it"
Ferrgie looks down at the desk and back up at Beckam & SCREAMS
"BECKAM, GET THESE FUC*@ING FROSTIES OFF MY DESK RIGHT NOW!"
"I'm a bit worried about your drop in form David. Do you want to talk to me about it?" askes Fergie
"Well boss, I have had sum'ink on my mind. I've not slept for days" Replies David
"Ok son, you know you can talk to me. What is it that's bothering you?" Enquires a worried Ferrgie
"I don't want to bovver you wiff it Boss" says Beckam
"C'mon son, is it Victoria or Brooklyn thats keeping you awake at night" insist's Fergie
"No, no boss" says David .."We got this great jigsaw. It has a big picture of a Tiger on the front & everyfink .... But I can't do it ... It's been worrying me & everyfink boss" says a sheepish Becks
"You mean to say your forms dropped 'cause of a stupit bloody jigsaw" roars Fergie
"Sorry boss, sorry, but I cant stop finnking about it" says Becks
Seeing how this is effecting his star player Fergie says "OK son, you bring it in tomorrow and I'll help you put it together"
Sure enough the next morning Beckam bounces into Fergies office and empties the box of bits on to Fergies desk.
"See boss, 'ere it is. It has a great picture on the front of a big Tiger & everyfink. But I can't do it"
Ferrgie looks down at the desk and back up at Beckam & SCREAMS
"BECKAM, GET THESE FUC*@ING FROSTIES OFF MY DESK RIGHT NOW!"
A haggard old lady is riding in a posh hotel's lift.
On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on, smelling divine. She looks arrogantly at the old lady and says, "Georgio, £100 an ounce."
On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on, smelling lovely as well. In an effort to outdo she turns to the two other women and says, "Chanel, £150 an ounce."
The old lady had just about enough of this showing off and as she arrives at her floor, the doors open, she looks at the
two young ladies, bends over picks up her bags and farts and says, ............"Broccoli, 49 pence a pound."
The young lady opens her front door while naked to find her mother in law staring back at her:-)
Her mother in law is totaly shocked and says "whatever are you doing girl you have got not clothes on".
Girl - " Yes I have, this is my love suit. I always put this on when I am waiting for my husband to come home from work. Then when he gets hear and sees me like this he wants to take me straight upstairs to bed".
The mother in law still slightly shocked says good by and leaves.
When she gets home to find her trucker husband is at work she decides to try this out.
So she takes off all her clothes and waits by the front door naked.
Soon enough her husband arrives and she opens the front door.
Husband -" what in gods name are you doing women, you are stark bollock naked".
Mother in law " no I am not, this is my love suit and I put it on just for you" !
Husband - " well you could have bloody Ironed first " !!!!!!!!!!!!Boom Boom
Her mother in law is totaly shocked and says "whatever are you doing girl you have got not clothes on".
Girl - " Yes I have, this is my love suit. I always put this on when I am waiting for my husband to come home from work. Then when he gets hear and sees me like this he wants to take me straight upstairs to bed".
The mother in law still slightly shocked says good by and leaves.
When she gets home to find her trucker husband is at work she decides to try this out.
So she takes off all her clothes and waits by the front door naked.
Soon enough her husband arrives and she opens the front door.
Husband -" what in gods name are you doing women, you are stark bollock naked".
Mother in law " no I am not, this is my love suit and I put it on just for you" !
Husband - " well you could have bloody Ironed first " !!!!!!!!!!!!Boom Boom
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I
am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60
degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct,
but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am
still lost.
Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are
going.
You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect
people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly
the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my
fault."
Keep on smilin'......:-)))
spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I
am."
The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60
degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically
correct,
but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am
still lost.
Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are
going.
You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect
people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly
the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my
fault."
Keep on smilin'......:-)))
So this panda gets out of bed and takes one last look at the prostitute on the bed as he heads for the door.
She wakes up and shouts "You Panada, were do you think you are going" and she throws a dictionary at him.
Prostitute - " Look up the word prostitute - Someone who sells sex for money, now pay up"
The panda chuckles and throws the dictionary back a her.
Panda - " I am a panda, look up panda" - Eats shoots and leaves.
She wakes up and shouts "You Panada, were do you think you are going" and she throws a dictionary at him.
Prostitute - " Look up the word prostitute - Someone who sells sex for money, now pay up"
The panda chuckles and throws the dictionary back a her.
Panda - " I am a panda, look up panda" - Eats shoots and leaves.
Teacher - "So the word for today children is Contagious, now I want you each to stand up in turn and give me a sentance using the word Contagious".
So Kelly stands Up.
Kelly " My mummy says, when I have a cold, I must not come to school because my old is Contagious".
Teacher " Very good Kelly, now Tommy its your turn".
" Come on Tommy stand up".
Tommy - " Yesterday the man next door started painting the front of his house, with a brush the size of a tooth brush. My daddy says if he carrys on like that it will take the Cont-agious".
Thats it from me I will just hide for another year or two. That is if Ted ever lets me post again !!!
So Kelly stands Up.
Kelly " My mummy says, when I have a cold, I must not come to school because my old is Contagious".
Teacher " Very good Kelly, now Tommy its your turn".
" Come on Tommy stand up".
Tommy - " Yesterday the man next door started painting the front of his house, with a brush the size of a tooth brush. My daddy says if he carrys on like that it will take the Cont-agious".
Thats it from me I will just hide for another year or two. That is if Ted ever lets me post again !!!
Bloke wants his house painted so he puts an ad in the local paper. Next morning a luscious blonde arrives to take the job. Our chap is a bit suspicious and says
"OK I'll give you a trial, you just paint the porch first. I'll get the paint and you can start"
So an hour passes, his bell rings and the blonde says
"that's done, so whats next? and by the way it ain't a porch its a Ferrari!"
boom boom whimper......
"OK I'll give you a trial, you just paint the porch first. I'll get the paint and you can start"
So an hour passes, his bell rings and the blonde says
"that's done, so whats next? and by the way it ain't a porch its a Ferrari!"
boom boom whimper......
Listed below are excerpts from a book called "Disorder in the Court."
>Things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
>now
>published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm and
>keeping
>a straight face while these exchanges were actually taking place.
>___________________________________________________
>Q: What is your date of birth?
>A: July fifteenth.
>Q: What year?
>A: Every year
>___________________________________________________
>Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
>A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>___________________________________________________
>Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>A: Yes.
>Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>A: I forget.
>Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've
>forgotten?
>___________________________________________________
>Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
>A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
>Q: How long has he lived with you?
>A: Forty-five years.
>___________________________________________________
>Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
>that
>morning?
>A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
>Q: And why did that upset you?
>A: My name is Susan.
>___________________________________________________
>Q: And where was the location of the accident?
>A: Approximately milepost 499.
>Q: And where is milepost 499?
>A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
>___________________________________________________
>Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
>A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
>___________________________________________________
>Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
>A: After the accident?
>Q: Before the accident.
>A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
>___________________________________________________
>Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue
>lights
>flashing?
>A: Yes.
>Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
>A: Yes, sir.
>Q: What did she say?
>A: What disco am I at?
>___________________________________________________
>Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
>doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>___________________________________________________
>Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?
>___________________________________________________
>Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>__________________________________________________
>Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?
>A: Yes.
>Q: And what were you doing at that time?
>________________________________________________
>Q: She had three children, right?
>A: Yes.
>Q: How many were boys?
>A: None.
>Q: Were there any girls?
>_________________________________________________
>Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
>A: Yes.
>Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
>_____________________________________________
>Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
>A: By death.
>Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
>__________________________________________________
>Q: Can you describe the individual?
>A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>Q: Was this a male or a female?
>_________________________________________________
>Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
>notice
>that
>I sent to your attorney?
>A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>_______________________________________________
>Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
>A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
>________________________________________________
>Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
>A: Oral.
>_________________________________________________
>Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
>A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
>autopsy.
>_________________________________________________
>Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>_________________________________________________
>Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
>pulse?
>A: No.
>Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
>A: No.
>Q: Did you check for breathing?
>A: No.
>Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
>the
>autopsy?
>A: No.
>Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
>A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
>somewhere.
>_________________________________________________
>Judge: "Well Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give
>your
>wife $775 a week".
>Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks
>myself."
>Things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
>now
>published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm and
>keeping
>a straight face while these exchanges were actually taking place.
>___________________________________________________
>Q: What is your date of birth?
>A: July fifteenth.
>Q: What year?
>A: Every year
>___________________________________________________
>Q: What gear were you in at moment of the impact?
>A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>___________________________________________________
>Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>A: Yes.
>Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>A: I forget.
>Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something you've
>forgotten?
>___________________________________________________
>Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
>A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
>Q: How long has he lived with you?
>A: Forty-five years.
>___________________________________________________
>Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
>that
>morning?
>A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
>Q: And why did that upset you?
>A: My name is Susan.
>___________________________________________________
>Q: And where was the location of the accident?
>A: Approximately milepost 499.
>Q: And where is milepost 499?
>A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
>___________________________________________________
>Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
>A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
>___________________________________________________
>Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
>A: After the accident?
>Q: Before the accident.
>A: Sure, I played for 10 years. I even went to school for it.
>___________________________________________________
>Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue
>lights
>flashing?
>A: Yes.
>Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
>A: Yes, sir.
>Q: What did she say?
>A: What disco am I at?
>___________________________________________________
>Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
>doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>___________________________________________________
>Q: The youngest son, the 20-year old, how old is he?
>___________________________________________________
>Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>__________________________________________________
>Q: So the date of conception of (the baby) was August 8th?
>A: Yes.
>Q: And what were you doing at that time?
>________________________________________________
>Q: She had three children, right?
>A: Yes.
>Q: How many were boys?
>A: None.
>Q: Were there any girls?
>_________________________________________________
>Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
>A: Yes.
>Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
>_____________________________________________
>Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
>A: By death.
>Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
>__________________________________________________
>Q: Can you describe the individual?
>A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>Q: Was this a male or a female?
>_________________________________________________
>Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
>notice
>that
>I sent to your attorney?
>A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>_______________________________________________
>Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
>A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
>________________________________________________
>Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
>A: Oral.
>_________________________________________________
>Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
>A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
>autopsy.
>_________________________________________________
>Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>_________________________________________________
>Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
>pulse?
>A: No.
>Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
>A: No.
>Q: Did you check for breathing?
>A: No.
>Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
>the
>autopsy?
>A: No.
>Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
>A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
>somewhere.
>_________________________________________________
>Judge: "Well Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've decided to give
>your
>wife $775 a week".
>Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll try to send her a few bucks
>myself."
No disrespect to our pistonheaders in Manchester
Commonweath games 2002
As you may know, Manchester will be hosting the Commonwealth games later this year. What you may not know, is that many of the famous events which go to make up this spectacular, have been especially altered for Manchester. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below.
Opening Ceremony
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the
city, in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be
contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the
stadium.
The Events
In previous Commonwealth games, Manchester's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
100 Metres Sprint
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in
each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be
released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
110 Metres Hurdles
As above but with added obstacles (I.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden
fences, walls etc)
Hammer
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use
(claw, sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most
physical damage within three attempts.
Fencing
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in
5 minutes.
Shooting
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first
target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will
aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or securicor style wages delivery
man. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a
choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun
Boxing
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and
will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home.
The bout will then commence.
Cycling Time Trials
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take
an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
Cycling Pursuit
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.
Modern Pentathlon
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding
and arson.
Swimming Events
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels. Once one is
found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised.
Please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will
comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool. The specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve"
The Marathon
A safe route has yet to be decided.
Men's 50 km Walk
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot
guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Manchester, especially anyone that appears to be mincing....
The Closing Ceremony
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
Salford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock
throwing, and music by the Stockport community choir. The flame will be
extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch invasion by confused Man United organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the
copper piping and the central heating boiler.
Late News:
Apparently Liverpool were set to put in a bid very similar to the above
but with the Pentathlon modified to include: killing a spouse, digging a
hole, burying the body, laying a patio and the strangely named 'Calm Down'
contest.
To guarantee the entry of any Mancunian athletes at all, drugs testing
has been waived this year.
Commonweath games 2002
As you may know, Manchester will be hosting the Commonwealth games later this year. What you may not know, is that many of the famous events which go to make up this spectacular, have been especially altered for Manchester. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below.
Opening Ceremony
The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the
city, in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be
contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the
stadium.
The Events
In previous Commonwealth games, Manchester's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
100 Metres Sprint
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in
each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be
released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
110 Metres Hurdles
As above but with added obstacles (I.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden
fences, walls etc)
Hammer
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use
(claw, sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most
physical damage within three attempts.
Fencing
Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in
5 minutes.
Shooting
A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first
target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will
aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or securicor style wages delivery
man. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a
choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun
Boxing
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and
will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home.
The bout will then commence.
Cycling Time Trials
Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take
an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
Cycling Pursuit
As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.
Modern Pentathlon
Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding
and arson.
Swimming Events
All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels. Once one is
found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised.
Please note that the Synchronised Swimming event for this year will
comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool. The specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve"
The Marathon
A safe route has yet to be decided.
Men's 50 km Walk
Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot
guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Manchester, especially anyone that appears to be mincing....
The Closing Ceremony
Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
Salford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock
throwing, and music by the Stockport community choir. The flame will be
extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch invasion by confused Man United organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the
copper piping and the central heating boiler.
Late News:
Apparently Liverpool were set to put in a bid very similar to the above
but with the Pentathlon modified to include: killing a spouse, digging a
hole, burying the body, laying a patio and the strangely named 'Calm Down'
contest.
To guarantee the entry of any Mancunian athletes at all, drugs testing
has been waived this year.
Been in the Marque for 6 yrs now, still made me laugh.....
Peter Wheeler is on holiday in Germany when he decides to have a wander around the Mercedes factory, to see the main differences between how they produce their vehicles.
As the production manager shows him around, Peter is really impressed with the nice clean factory and important looking gentlemen with clipboards, precision robots and paint booths etc but is surprised to find a chap on the end of the line with a box full of cats.
As the car rolls off the line, the chap opens the door and throws in one of the cats.
“What’s the point of that?” enquires PW.
“Quality control,” replies the production manager “we throw in the cat, leave the car for ten days and when we return to the car, if the cat is dead, we know that the car is airtight, watertight and ready for delivery to our customer”. PW wanders home, impressed.
A few months later the production manager decides to return the compliment by visiting PW in Blackpool. He is amazed to see the people wandering around with wheelbarrows full of engine/body parts and red dots on the floor for putting buckets on when it rains. To his great surprise, he see a chap at the end of the line with a box full of cats.
“I’m so pleased to see that you have incorporated one of our ideas.” said the chap.
“Oh yes,” replied PW, “we put the cat in the car, leave it in the yard for ten days and, if when we return the cat has escaped we know we’ve got a problem!”
lnl.
Peter Wheeler is on holiday in Germany when he decides to have a wander around the Mercedes factory, to see the main differences between how they produce their vehicles.
As the production manager shows him around, Peter is really impressed with the nice clean factory and important looking gentlemen with clipboards, precision robots and paint booths etc but is surprised to find a chap on the end of the line with a box full of cats.
As the car rolls off the line, the chap opens the door and throws in one of the cats.
“What’s the point of that?” enquires PW.
“Quality control,” replies the production manager “we throw in the cat, leave the car for ten days and when we return to the car, if the cat is dead, we know that the car is airtight, watertight and ready for delivery to our customer”. PW wanders home, impressed.
A few months later the production manager decides to return the compliment by visiting PW in Blackpool. He is amazed to see the people wandering around with wheelbarrows full of engine/body parts and red dots on the floor for putting buckets on when it rains. To his great surprise, he see a chap at the end of the line with a box full of cats.
“I’m so pleased to see that you have incorporated one of our ideas.” said the chap.
“Oh yes,” replied PW, “we put the cat in the car, leave it in the yard for ten days and, if when we return the cat has escaped we know we’ve got a problem!”
lnl.
Now it is all so much clearer..............
How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night of drinking and thought 'How did I get home?'?
As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the bar to your home. The answer to this puzzle is that you used a beer
scooter.
The beer scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased out to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched out since the decline of the Roman Empire and bought a large batch of these magical devices. The beer scooter works in the following fashion:
The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the slurring gland begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects the pheromone and sends down a winged beer
scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a trans-dimensional portal.
It is not cheap to run a beer scooter franchise, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This generates the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'
Beer scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for 90% of all UDI's (unidentified drinking injuries) Independent studies also show that passengers wearing Beer Goggles sometimes cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom often with horrific consequences.
Jonesy
Mr. Jones.
I just thought I'd mention that the beer scooter I use automatically takes me on a 9 mile tour of south London looking for an open Kebab shop at 3 in the morning. Unfortunately, the ride home must tend to be bumpy as I normally manage to spill kebab fat and chilli all down my best shirt. Does anyone else have this problem?
I just thought I'd mention that the beer scooter I use automatically takes me on a 9 mile tour of south London looking for an open Kebab shop at 3 in the morning. Unfortunately, the ride home must tend to be bumpy as I normally manage to spill kebab fat and chilli all down my best shirt. Does anyone else have this problem?
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