Sean Connery Joke
Discussion
TreVoR Cheddar said:
towman said:
Carrera2 said:
towman said:
Carrera2 said:
TreVoR Cheddar said:
A cucumber, courgette and a penis were talking
The cucumber said "When I get big and hard and juicy I get chopped up and thrown onto a salad."
The courgette said "Well, when I get big and hard and juicy I get chopped up and thrown in a frying pan."
"You guys think you've got it bad." said the penis, "When I get like that, I get a rubber tent thrown over my head, shoved in a dark room and have my head banged against a wall until I throw up and faint!"
The cucumber said "When I get big and hard and juicy I get chopped up and thrown onto a salad."
The courgette said "Well, when I get big and hard and juicy I get chopped up and thrown in a frying pan."
"You guys think you've got it bad." said the penis, "When I get like that, I get a rubber tent thrown over my head, shoved in a dark room and have my head banged against a wall until I throw up and faint!"
That is truly childish.
Edited to add further abuse: Do you find sex funny? Are you 12? I can't believe a 'joke' has got me so incensed. GRRRRRRR
Edited by Carrera2 on Tuesday 3rd October 14:37
so tempted to post "prick", but thought better of it.
I'll say it then. Prick.
Thanks. saved me the effort.
Jeez guys lighten up, considering some of the shit jokes that have been posted on here, this one hardly rates all this does it now. Lets all go and play nicely shall we?
I can't believe you edited it to rant more!! It's a joke forum - you may not have like the joke, but come on, someone else will post an equally futile, purile and downright silly one shortly.
BTW, I thought he was calling you a prick for your stupid reply. Ho-Hum been called worse.
FWIW the 'edited to abuse more' was supposed add a bit lightheartedness to the 'assault'. Never mind!
And I think Towman was shouting prick at me from his recovery truck.....I was replying back to him.
FWIW the 'edited to abuse more' was supposed add a bit lightheartedness to the 'assault'. Never mind!
And I think Towman was shouting prick at me from his recovery truck.....I was replying back to him.
[/quote]
OK, I'm just not quick enough for everyone here!
Let peace and love between fellow PHers resume once more across the land
BTW Carrera, I for one actually enjoyed "the saga" and was hoping for video of the strumming domestic agent in action
Paul
Phil Hopkins said:
Ahhh! There was me thinking she had a gash the size of a melon.
There was this guy who was doing a kitkat on his girlfriend who had a melon sized gash, when he felt something in there, after a bit of pulling out pops this little man. "WTF are you doing in there" screams the man. "Oh, just looking for my truck" comes the reply
Its amazing what prompts you to remember a truly crap joke that you once thought was funny when you were really pissed
Phil Hopkins said:
Ahhh! There was me thinking she had a gash the size of a melon.
Reminded me of an oldie:
At a Europe-wide conference of gynaecologists, a french gynae is chatting with his fellows over coffee. “I tell you, I ‘ave a patient wiz zee most amazing clitoris – eet eez like a melon I tell you!!”
An English gynae interrupts him, “Oh come on Pierre, don’t exaggerate! No woman could have a clitoris the size of a melon.”
“Ah you eengleesh, always obsessed by size – I was talking about the taste!”
nel said:
Phil Hopkins said:
Ahhh! There was me thinking she had a gash the size of a melon.
Reminded me of an oldie:
At a Europe-wide conference of gynaecologists, a french gynae is chatting with his fellows over coffee. “I tell you, I ‘ave a patient wiz zee most amazing clitoris – eet eez like a melon I tell you!!”
An English gynae interrupts him, “Oh come on Pierre, don’t exaggerate! No woman could have a clitoris the size of a melon.”
“Ah you eengleesh, always obsessed by size – I was talking about the taste!”
msl: Now we're properly back on-topic! Nice one nel.
Building work was going on outside a convent. On the second day the Mother Superior goes to see the site foreman about the language.
"I'm sorry ma'am, but my men call a spade a spade" says the foreman.
"Except they insist on calling it a
ing shovel!!!"
**********************
How do you confuse an Polish gardener?
Give him 2 shovels and tell him to take his pick
"I'm sorry ma'am, but my men call a spade a spade" says the foreman.
"Except they insist on calling it a
ing shovel!!!" **********************
How do you confuse an Polish gardener?
Give him 2 shovels and tell him to take his pick
Scene: A doctors waiting room with a Doctor & a rather nervous looking Man
Doctor “What Seems to be the problem?
Man “It’s quite hard to explain I’d be easier showing you
(Man pulls down his trouser & bends over revealing a hole torn in his backside the size of a football)
Doctor “Good god man what happened to you?”
Man “I’m just back from Holiday on Safari in Africa where I got separated from my group & then raped by a Male elephant in must”
(The doctor is a little shocked but then a puzzled expression comes over him)
Doctor “I’ve watched a documentary on elephants & I was under the impression and elephants organ was very long and thin in order to penetrate the female more easily”
(Patient turns bright red)
Man “I know but he fingered me first”
(The earlier posts reminded me of this one. Good old yellow pages!)
Doctor “What Seems to be the problem?
Man “It’s quite hard to explain I’d be easier showing you
(Man pulls down his trouser & bends over revealing a hole torn in his backside the size of a football)
Doctor “Good god man what happened to you?”
Man “I’m just back from Holiday on Safari in Africa where I got separated from my group & then raped by a Male elephant in must”
(The doctor is a little shocked but then a puzzled expression comes over him)
Doctor “I’ve watched a documentary on elephants & I was under the impression and elephants organ was very long and thin in order to penetrate the female more easily”
(Patient turns bright red)
Man “I know but he fingered me first”
(The earlier posts reminded me of this one. Good old yellow pages!)
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
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