Sean Connery Joke
Discussion
Nick P said:
A toy company has recently released a 'Talking Muslim Doll'......however nobody knows what it says as everybody is too afraid to pull the cord......
Boom Boom
Boom Boom
Has anyone else on here seen Mark Thomas or heard one of his CDs? His comments about the Mosque alarm clock he was bought by a friend are great...instead of a buzzer it loudly exclaims 'Allahhh....' at the set time. And he wants to take it on a plane with him just to see the reaction!
man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £ 9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.
For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this time it's a treat, so I'll have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. " Yep! Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £ 9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.
For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this time it's a treat, so I'll have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. " Yep! Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a couple of million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and replies, "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
For the twisted only....
>
>
> >
> > > Children's Books You'll Never See:
> > > > >
> > > > > "You Were an Accident"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Strangers Have the Best Candy"
> > > > >
> > > > > "The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Some Kittens Can Fly!"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Sally Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
> > > > >
> > > > > "The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild
> > > > > Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
> > > > >
> > > > > "All Dogs Go to Hell"
> > > > >
> > > > > "The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
> > > > >
> > > > > "When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say
> > > God Did
> > > > It"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
> > > > >
> > > > > "What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Bi-Curious George"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver"
> > > > >
> > > > > "You Are Different and That's Bad"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Dad's New Wife Timothy"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your
> > > > > Household Pets"
> > > > >
> > > > > "The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
> > > > >
> > > > > "The Tickling Babysitter"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
> > > > >
> > > > > "The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's
> > > > > Purse"
> > > > >
> > > > > "The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
> > > > >
> > > > > "The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"
> > > > >
> > > > > "How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your
> Elementary
> > > > > School"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear"
>
>
> >
> > > Children's Books You'll Never See:
> > > > >
> > > > > "You Were an Accident"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Strangers Have the Best Candy"
> > > > >
> > > > > "The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Some Kittens Can Fly!"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Sally Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
> > > > >
> > > > > "The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild
> > > > > Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
> > > > >
> > > > > "All Dogs Go to Hell"
> > > > >
> > > > > "The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
> > > > >
> > > > > "When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say
> > > God Did
> > > > It"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
> > > > >
> > > > > "What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Bi-Curious George"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver"
> > > > >
> > > > > "You Are Different and That's Bad"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Dad's New Wife Timothy"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your
> > > > > Household Pets"
> > > > >
> > > > > "The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
> > > > >
> > > > > "The Tickling Babysitter"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
> > > > >
> > > > > "The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom's
> > > > > Purse"
> > > > >
> > > > > "The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
> > > > >
> > > > > "The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"
> > > > >
> > > > > "How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your
> Elementary
> > > > > School"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear"
Granny Dettwiler is on the way back from market in her Amish horse and buggy when she gets pulled up by a State Trooper in his cruiser.
He gets out, rights his pistol belt and walks back to Granny Dettwiler and says "evenin maam, you realise your backlight is out?"
So she struggles out of the buggy, gets out her matches and relights the candle, gets back in and notices that the trooper is inspecting her horse.
" Now that's a funny way for your reins to go, it seems to hae gone around the horses testicles, I'll free it for you" Does it and "Evenin Maam have a nice day" gets in his cruiser and drives off.
Granny Dettwiler is confused, drives home and mentions this to Granpaw Dettwiler,
"you know these modernistic youngsters even take offence at our emergency brake!"
He gets out, rights his pistol belt and walks back to Granny Dettwiler and says "evenin maam, you realise your backlight is out?"
So she struggles out of the buggy, gets out her matches and relights the candle, gets back in and notices that the trooper is inspecting her horse.
" Now that's a funny way for your reins to go, it seems to hae gone around the horses testicles, I'll free it for you" Does it and "Evenin Maam have a nice day" gets in his cruiser and drives off.
Granny Dettwiler is confused, drives home and mentions this to Granpaw Dettwiler,
"you know these modernistic youngsters even take offence at our emergency brake!"
Edited by JMGS4 on Wednesday 4th October 09:01
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