Sean Connery Joke
Discussion
quote:
I take it that the Beer Scooter doesn't figure untill the 8th Harry Potter book when he goes to University ?
If this is so, then when does the Beer Monkey come into play? (you know, the one that beats you up and steals all your money, then has a cr@p in your mouth when you're asleep).
quote:
Mr. Jones.
I just thought I'd mention that the beer scooter I use automatically takes me on a 9 mile tour of south London looking for an open Kebab shop at 3 in the morning. Unfortunately, the ride home must tend to be bumpy as I normally manage to spill kebab fat and chilli all down my best shirt. Does anyone else have this problem?
Your problem is that you are emitting the wrong pheromone. Your desire for the kebab is not obvious enough. If it were you would be supplied with the Limited Edition Turkish model. It comes with sufficient fuel for the extra 9 miles (hence the bumpy ride - lack of fuel) and a large bib to catch the drips. It is also has a slurred speach translator so that when you say NO to chilli sauce they understand you, as no-one really wants the usual 1/2 a pint of chilli sauce on their kebab.
Love them mate, heres my small contribution
Hitchin a Ride...
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix
to Flagstaff.
He got as far as Black Canyon before the mountains just became too
much and he could go no farther.
He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single
person to stop.
Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of
course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car.
The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway
and tied it to his bumper.
He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was
going too fast, to honk the horn
on his bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another
Corvette blew past them.
Not to be out done, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the
other. A short distance down the road,
the Corvettes, both going well over 120 MPH, blew through a speed
trap.
The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to
the other officer that he had two
Corvettes headed his way at over 120 MPH.
He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this...
but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass!"
:bigrin:
Hitchin a Ride...
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix
to Flagstaff.
He got as far as Black Canyon before the mountains just became too
much and he could go no farther.
He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single
person to stop.
Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of
course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car.
The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway
and tied it to his bumper.
He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was
going too fast, to honk the horn
on his bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another
Corvette blew past them.
Not to be out done, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the
other. A short distance down the road,
the Corvettes, both going well over 120 MPH, blew through a speed
trap.
The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to
the other officer that he had two
Corvettes headed his way at over 120 MPH.
He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this...
but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass!"
:bigrin:
Just a few Commentator cock-ups to make you giggle.
MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer
for warmth during BBC1's eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's come in his
shorts."
HERE is Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie
Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by
himself."
ULRIKA Jonsson was a humble GMTV weather girl talking about
Snowfall when she revealed:
"I had a good eight inches last night."
LORRAINE Kelly on GMTV:
"This year's hairstyle is called a shag and our resident stylist is here
to give our model one."
MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
Richard Whiteley asking Carol Vorderman to display a word on Countdown:
"Ah, 'erection', let's see it up please Carol."
DAVID Dickinson, talking about an antique door-knocker on Bargain Hunt,
said to expert Nigel Smith:
"You're a bit of a knockers man."
"Yes," he replied. "I've come across quite a few in my time."
HERE is Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner
Judith Keppel on This Morning:
"She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."
ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
BEATRICE Hillyer was discussing the availability of fresh water in Baghdad
when she informed TVam viewers:
"Just after the liberation, I was getting it twice a day in my hotel
room."
CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire
match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:
"With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
STEVE Cram covering the men's 200 metres at the World Athletics
Championships: "Pumping away, Marlon Devonish has got the Olympic champion
inside him."
CHAIN Letters host Allan Stewart was discussing a 6ft 5in contestant
called Richard when he told two women competitors:
"That's enough Dick for both of you."
EXPERT David Batty was examining a bowl with a pineapple-shaped
lid on Antiques Roadshow when he exclaimed:
"This is the most magical, wonderful knob I have ever seen."
BEST TILL LAST
CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live
said:
"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer
for warmth during BBC1's eclipse coverage remarked:
"They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's come in his
shorts."
HERE is Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie
Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
"Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by
himself."
ULRIKA Jonsson was a humble GMTV weather girl talking about
Snowfall when she revealed:
"I had a good eight inches last night."
LORRAINE Kelly on GMTV:
"This year's hairstyle is called a shag and our resident stylist is here
to give our model one."
MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
Richard Whiteley asking Carol Vorderman to display a word on Countdown:
"Ah, 'erection', let's see it up please Carol."
DAVID Dickinson, talking about an antique door-knocker on Bargain Hunt,
said to expert Nigel Smith:
"You're a bit of a knockers man."
"Yes," he replied. "I've come across quite a few in my time."
HERE is Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner
Judith Keppel on This Morning:
"She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."
ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond:
"Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
BEATRICE Hillyer was discussing the availability of fresh water in Baghdad
when she informed TVam viewers:
"Just after the liberation, I was getting it twice a day in my hotel
room."
CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire
match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe:
"With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked:
"What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
"Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
STEVE Cram covering the men's 200 metres at the World Athletics
Championships: "Pumping away, Marlon Devonish has got the Olympic champion
inside him."
CHAIN Letters host Allan Stewart was discussing a 6ft 5in contestant
called Richard when he told two women competitors:
"That's enough Dick for both of you."
EXPERT David Batty was examining a bowl with a pineapple-shaped
lid on Antiques Roadshow when he exclaimed:
"This is the most magical, wonderful knob I have ever seen."
BEST TILL LAST
CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live
said:
"You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace and the Queen Mum arrive at the Pearly
gates, St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each
have to put forward their case for entry.
Freddie says, "I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made
some mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most
beautiful music inthe world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade
everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to be"
"Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?"
Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I
will completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels
to the cherub to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look
good you will feel good and that will make heaven a much happier
place"
"Not bad" says St Peter. "What about you Queen Mum?"
The Queen Mum does not say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt and pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into her lets the water shoot up her and then gush out
all over the floor.
"Excellent, you're in" says St Peter
"Hold on a f******* minute" says Freddie "She didn't even say anything"
"Fred you know the rules," says St Peter, "A royal flush beats a
pair of Queens..."
An old one. But good nver the less.
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her.
She decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended she see the well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr.Chang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose."
The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vely bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is>Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse."
A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her.
She decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended she see the well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr.Chang.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose."
The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vely bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is>Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse."
For you bikers out there.
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but its missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word," She tells him," Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend throws her on the table and drills her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
A few minutes later he grabs her mom throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and
her mother a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY. I'LL DO THE F*****G DISHES!!"
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but its missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word," She tells him," Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend throws her on the table and drills her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
A few minutes later he grabs her mom throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and
her mother a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY. I'LL DO THE F*****G DISHES!!"
A traveling saleman breaks down on a dark country road late one night. He goes and knocks on the nearest farm house door, and explains his predicament. He asks if there is somewhere he can sleep for the night. The farmer says the only spare bed means he would have to share with the farmers 21 year old son.
"I'm sorry" says the salesman. "I am in the wrong joke"
"I'm sorry" says the salesman. "I am in the wrong joke"
quote:
quote:
Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman, a white horse, a sandwich, and a bloke with a steering wheel sticking out the front of his trousers go into a pub.
The landlord says "This has got to be a joke"
"No, I'm a frayed knot"
Sorry,
Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman, a white horse, a sandwich, and a bloke with a steering wheel sticking out the front of his trousers and a peice of string go into a pub.
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