Sean Connery Joke
Discussion
Unemployed for a number of years, Barry finally lands a job working for
the local railway company. One night he meets up with some friends in the
pub. "So how's the job, Barry?" asks one of his mates.
"Brilliant," he replies. "The other day I was out working when I found a
woman tied to the tracks. I untied her, took her back to my place for a
cup of tea and ended up shagging her all night. It was fantastic !!
Missionary, doggy-style, wheelbarrow - you name it, we did it".
"Yeah?" enquires one of his friends. "But was she good-looking?"
"I dunno," sighs Barry. "I couldn't find the head'.
the local railway company. One night he meets up with some friends in the
pub. "So how's the job, Barry?" asks one of his mates.
"Brilliant," he replies. "The other day I was out working when I found a
woman tied to the tracks. I untied her, took her back to my place for a
cup of tea and ended up shagging her all night. It was fantastic !!
Missionary, doggy-style, wheelbarrow - you name it, we did it".
"Yeah?" enquires one of his friends. "But was she good-looking?"
"I dunno," sighs Barry. "I couldn't find the head'.
A woman arrives at the dry cleaners to find no-one at the counter. She hears someone moving about in the back, so she call out 'hellooo it's Jane and I've got a pink dress I need cleaning.'
the employee in the back didn't quite hear her and calls back 'Come Again?'
To which Jane replies........
'NO, THIS TIME ITS GRAVY!
>> Edited by Darryl on Wednesday 14th August 13:44
the employee in the back didn't quite hear her and calls back 'Come Again?'
To which Jane replies........
'NO, THIS TIME ITS GRAVY!
>> Edited by Darryl on Wednesday 14th August 13:44
naked chap walks into a night club with a naked girl on his back, Bouncer says "what you think you doing coming in here all naked and sweaty like that" chap replies "I'm impersonating(sp) a snail" , Bouncer says "how so?"
chap replies " I have Michell on my back"
Ok, So I scraped the bottom of the barrel for that one
chap replies " I have Michell on my back"
Ok, So I scraped the bottom of the barrel for that one
Very true!!
The Plan
In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And the Workers spoke among themselves, saying, "This is a crock of sh*t, and it stinks."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers,saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigour of the company with very powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And that, my friends, is how Sh*t Happens.
The Plan
In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And the Workers spoke among themselves, saying, "This is a crock of sh*t, and it stinks."
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell."
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers,saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigour of the company with very powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And that, my friends, is how Sh*t Happens.
Sorry, but I got reeely bored typing all this crap out, coupled with my stammer - makes for quite a dissapointing delivery:
Bloke and monkey go into a bar. Bloke orders pint and a packet of nuts for the monkey. Monkey eats nuts, bloke drinks pint, suddenly monkey makes a lunge at one of the other customers, nicks their fags and puts them in his mouth, then he's off round the bar eating everything - pickled eggs, bottle tops, chalk off the pool table, beer mats, you name it. Barman gets a tad vexed and asks the man to escort monkey out..
Man returns a week later with monkey and barman lets them in. Pint of beer for the bloke packet of nuts for the monkey. Monkey shoves the packet of nuts up his arse, then eats them. Same with the pickled egg, up his arse then eats it, same with the chalk, up his arse then he eats it.
Barman says to bloke, why's he doing that?
Oh, says the bloke, after the pool ball he tries everything first.
Bloke and monkey go into a bar. Bloke orders pint and a packet of nuts for the monkey. Monkey eats nuts, bloke drinks pint, suddenly monkey makes a lunge at one of the other customers, nicks their fags and puts them in his mouth, then he's off round the bar eating everything - pickled eggs, bottle tops, chalk off the pool table, beer mats, you name it. Barman gets a tad vexed and asks the man to escort monkey out..
Man returns a week later with monkey and barman lets them in. Pint of beer for the bloke packet of nuts for the monkey. Monkey shoves the packet of nuts up his arse, then eats them. Same with the pickled egg, up his arse then eats it, same with the chalk, up his arse then he eats it.
Barman says to bloke, why's he doing that?
Oh, says the bloke, after the pool ball he tries everything first.
A passenger plane is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and
plummets into the Ocean. The impact is Such that the plane is ripped
apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an
island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores. Though he is half
drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot
but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on. Looking
down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor
from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so
quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she
coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see
who it is...its Kylie Minogue. Forever grateful to him for saving her
life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks,
while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love.
One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found love
sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of
sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong.
"Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my
life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water
we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feel there's
something missing."
Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do
anything". "Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my
shirt?"
"OK"
"And my trousers?"
"OK"
At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and
draws a neat moustache on her.
"OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off in
the other direction and meet you half way."
"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?"
So off they go. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading
towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint,
runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:
"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm sh*gging'!!
plummets into the Ocean. The impact is Such that the plane is ripped
apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an
island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores. Though he is half
drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot
but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on. Looking
down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor
from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so
quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she
coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see
who it is...its Kylie Minogue. Forever grateful to him for saving her
life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks,
while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love.
One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found love
sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of
sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong.
"Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my
life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water
we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feel there's
something missing."
Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that you need? I'll do
anything". "Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my
shirt?"
"OK"
"And my trousers?"
"OK"
At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and
draws a neat moustache on her.
"OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off in
the other direction and meet you half way."
"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?"
So off they go. After an hour walking he eventually sees her heading
towards him along the beach, at which point he breaks into a sprint,
runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:
"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm sh*gging'!!
A guy goes into a pub with a cat and an ostrich.
Three pints please
Barman duly delivers and the proceed to sup
next the ostrich orders three pints, then the guy and so on.
eleventeen pints later the barman says
"You and that ostrich have been buying drinks all night and that cat hasn't bought one yet, whats the scrpt?"
the bloke replies
"my own fault really, rubbed this lamp and out popped a genie, grants me a wish, i asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy"
sorry
really sorry
Three pints please
Barman duly delivers and the proceed to sup
next the ostrich orders three pints, then the guy and so on.
eleventeen pints later the barman says
"You and that ostrich have been buying drinks all night and that cat hasn't bought one yet, whats the scrpt?"
the bloke replies
"my own fault really, rubbed this lamp and out popped a genie, grants me a wish, i asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy"
sorry
really sorry
Paving slab and a brick are having a quiet beer. The door opens and a lump of tarmac walks in and the paving slab dives under the table exclaiming that he cant be seen. Brick says 'Whats going on mate?' and the Paving Slab replies 'Its that tarmac over there, he's a cyclepath'.
Matt.
Matt.
A pair of best friends get a job at heathrow refueling planes,
One day Mick, is fueling a boeing and a drop of fuel falls on his hand so without thinking (like one does)he licks it off ..... "Bloody Hell Paddy this fuel tasts like vodka mate" .. "Nah yer joking mate" come the reply, So he convinces his mate to have a tast .... "Bejesus it is too" exclaimed his mate in glee, So they promptly partake of the magical jet fuel ... Piss ass drunk they leave (get fired) from the re-feuling depot later that day.
About 3.00am in the morning the telebhone rings at Paddy's in Northern Ireland ... "Hello this is Paddy" ...
"Paddy!!!, Paddy Mate you there?" comes a faint voice. "Yes I'm here mate, that you Mick?" ..."Yes it is Paddy, How are you feeling Paddy?" .... well erm funny you should ask Mick......" I'm feeling a little stiff, Me toes keep pointing at the roof, I got a funny gurgling in me tummy and me head keeps pointing backward, and me arm keep going to my side like I'm at attention"
"Jesus Paddy, fer fcuk sakes don't fart mate, I'm calling from Timbuctoo"
One day Mick, is fueling a boeing and a drop of fuel falls on his hand so without thinking (like one does)he licks it off ..... "Bloody Hell Paddy this fuel tasts like vodka mate" .. "Nah yer joking mate" come the reply, So he convinces his mate to have a tast .... "Bejesus it is too" exclaimed his mate in glee, So they promptly partake of the magical jet fuel ... Piss ass drunk they leave (get fired) from the re-feuling depot later that day.
About 3.00am in the morning the telebhone rings at Paddy's in Northern Ireland ... "Hello this is Paddy" ...
"Paddy!!!, Paddy Mate you there?" comes a faint voice. "Yes I'm here mate, that you Mick?" ..."Yes it is Paddy, How are you feeling Paddy?" .... well erm funny you should ask Mick......" I'm feeling a little stiff, Me toes keep pointing at the roof, I got a funny gurgling in me tummy and me head keeps pointing backward, and me arm keep going to my side like I'm at attention"
"Jesus Paddy, fer fcuk sakes don't fart mate, I'm calling from Timbuctoo"
quote:
'Its that tarmac over there, he's a cyclepath'.
Matt.
A smartie and a rolo are hiding behind the bushes in the park, and their mate twix comes up and asks why they are hiding. They say they are scared of Tune, who is playing on the swings. "Why dont you stand up for yourself and fight him" Twix asks.
"You dont mess with Tune. He's f**king Menthol!"
A man was speeding and was pulled over by a policeman. When asked for
his driver's license, the man replied that his was suspended. The policeman
was writing out the ticket, and filling out the correct forms when the man
told him, "Not only is my license suspended, but I have a loaded gun in the
glove box."
This shocked the policeman, and he was going to call this in, when the man
claimed to have stolen the car. Even more shocked, the policeman was
reaching for his handcuffs to arrest the man when the man said that he
had fired the gun twice, and the body of the owner of the car was in the
trunk. The policeman called in the sheriff who, upon arriving at the scene,
approached the man and said, "My deputy told me that you stole that car,
shot the owner, had the gun in the glovebox and that you were driving on
a suspended license."
To this, the man said, "Yeah, and I bet he told you I was speeding, too."
his driver's license, the man replied that his was suspended. The policeman
was writing out the ticket, and filling out the correct forms when the man
told him, "Not only is my license suspended, but I have a loaded gun in the
glove box."
This shocked the policeman, and he was going to call this in, when the man
claimed to have stolen the car. Even more shocked, the policeman was
reaching for his handcuffs to arrest the man when the man said that he
had fired the gun twice, and the body of the owner of the car was in the
trunk. The policeman called in the sheriff who, upon arriving at the scene,
approached the man and said, "My deputy told me that you stole that car,
shot the owner, had the gun in the glovebox and that you were driving on
a suspended license."
To this, the man said, "Yeah, and I bet he told you I was speeding, too."
Little Johnny is absent from school one day. On his return his teacher asks,
"We didn't see you in class, what was wrong with you yesterday, Johnny?"
"My Daddy got burned, Miss," says Johnny.
Taken aback, the teacher replies
"Thats a shame, Johnny. Was he badly burned?"
Johnny looks at her.
"They don't fcuk around at the crematorium, Miss."
>> Edited by Neil Menzies on Wednesday 14th August 15:27
"We didn't see you in class, what was wrong with you yesterday, Johnny?"
"My Daddy got burned, Miss," says Johnny.
Taken aback, the teacher replies
"Thats a shame, Johnny. Was he badly burned?"
Johnny looks at her.
"They don't fcuk around at the crematorium, Miss."
>> Edited by Neil Menzies on Wednesday 14th August 15:27
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