Being “gentler” with colleagues
Discussion
I work in a very “caring and gentle” workplace (HR Managers words not mine). Staffing is over 90% female working with young children in a school.
Twice in as many years HR have received a complaint about staff interaction with me. On both occasions the complaint is that I was very abrupt with them and they were upset.
Now, in the real world people have to get on with all sorts at work but I have been asked to consider how I speak to people. Not what I say but how I say it. For example, instead of simply saying “no” try to put it in a gentler way so as not to upset the person asking. On the whole the majority of people I work with have no issue with talking and working with me but a small % are actually scared of me (according to HR).
To me this is a bit ridiculous but I accept that I am very direct and will make myself very clear to people. If people disagree then by all means have a discussion about it but don’t go off crying because someone gave you an answer you don’t like. Best way I can describe myself is like the Martin Clunes character “Doc Martin”. But better looking
I have actually challenged the latest accusation made to HR as the persons recollection of events is incorrect and I do have a witness to support that.
HR’s suggestion was to treat staff as I do the children which would be insulting to the majority.
It’s not nice being perceived as a nasty person and I would be interested to hear ideas how I can improve peoples view of me at work.
Twice in as many years HR have received a complaint about staff interaction with me. On both occasions the complaint is that I was very abrupt with them and they were upset.
Now, in the real world people have to get on with all sorts at work but I have been asked to consider how I speak to people. Not what I say but how I say it. For example, instead of simply saying “no” try to put it in a gentler way so as not to upset the person asking. On the whole the majority of people I work with have no issue with talking and working with me but a small % are actually scared of me (according to HR).
To me this is a bit ridiculous but I accept that I am very direct and will make myself very clear to people. If people disagree then by all means have a discussion about it but don’t go off crying because someone gave you an answer you don’t like. Best way I can describe myself is like the Martin Clunes character “Doc Martin”. But better looking
I have actually challenged the latest accusation made to HR as the persons recollection of events is incorrect and I do have a witness to support that.
HR’s suggestion was to treat staff as I do the children which would be insulting to the majority.
It’s not nice being perceived as a nasty person and I would be interested to hear ideas how I can improve peoples view of me at work.
Firstly, your post instantly reminded me of this...
Secondly... Did you agree or could you see the point made in the previous complaints?
It's difficult to advise without a bit more context... I'm not asking for names and addresses, but are you working in high pressure environment eg sales? Is it a large company where you'll always end up with some overly-sensitive people?
Generally, by showing some empathy at the start of your answer might be all you need. If you know a decision could cause conflict, precursor it with an empathetic sentence about 'appreciate your input...considered all the options...understand from your point of view you might no be happy about my decision, however...no.'
Ultimately, if you agree with the complaints it takes virtually no effort to soften hard decisions by pitching it in a gentle manner.
Although as this is PH I should be suggesting that you need to tidy up your goatee and have more cans of red bull at hand.
Secondly... Did you agree or could you see the point made in the previous complaints?
It's difficult to advise without a bit more context... I'm not asking for names and addresses, but are you working in high pressure environment eg sales? Is it a large company where you'll always end up with some overly-sensitive people?
Generally, by showing some empathy at the start of your answer might be all you need. If you know a decision could cause conflict, precursor it with an empathetic sentence about 'appreciate your input...considered all the options...understand from your point of view you might no be happy about my decision, however...no.'
Ultimately, if you agree with the complaints it takes virtually no effort to soften hard decisions by pitching it in a gentle manner.
Although as this is PH I should be suggesting that you need to tidy up your goatee and have more cans of red bull at hand.
21TonyK said:
I work in a very “caring and gentle” workplace (HR Managers words not mine). Staffing is over 90% female working with young children in a school.
Twice in as many years HR have received a complaint about staff interaction with me. On both occasions the complaint is that I was very abrupt with them and they were upset.
Now, in the real world people have to get on with all sorts at work but I have been asked to consider how I speak to people. Not what I say but how I say it. For example, instead of simply saying “no” try to put it in a gentler way so as not to upset the person asking. On the whole the majority of people I work with have no issue with talking and working with me but a small % are actually scared of me (according to HR).
To me this is a bit ridiculous but I accept that I am very direct and will make myself very clear to people. If people disagree then by all means have a discussion about it but don’t go off crying because someone gave you an answer you don’t like. Best way I can describe myself is like the Martin Clunes character “Doc Martin”. But better looking
I have actually challenged the latest accusation made to HR as the persons recollection of events is incorrect and I do have a witness to support that.
HR’s suggestion was to treat staff as I do the children which would be insulting to the majority.
It’s not nice being perceived as a nasty person and I would be interested to hear ideas how I can improve peoples view of me at work.
Try to use the comments positively, I'd thoroughly recommend doing a 360 feedback exercise amongst colleagues/ peers. It is really useful to understand how others perceive your behaviours compared to how you perceive them. I did it some years ago and was startled to learn I was a scary autocratic type who didn't listen. It helped me change this and develop not just professionally but personally (albeit with the odd reversion to type now and then).Twice in as many years HR have received a complaint about staff interaction with me. On both occasions the complaint is that I was very abrupt with them and they were upset.
Now, in the real world people have to get on with all sorts at work but I have been asked to consider how I speak to people. Not what I say but how I say it. For example, instead of simply saying “no” try to put it in a gentler way so as not to upset the person asking. On the whole the majority of people I work with have no issue with talking and working with me but a small % are actually scared of me (according to HR).
To me this is a bit ridiculous but I accept that I am very direct and will make myself very clear to people. If people disagree then by all means have a discussion about it but don’t go off crying because someone gave you an answer you don’t like. Best way I can describe myself is like the Martin Clunes character “Doc Martin”. But better looking
I have actually challenged the latest accusation made to HR as the persons recollection of events is incorrect and I do have a witness to support that.
HR’s suggestion was to treat staff as I do the children which would be insulting to the majority.
It’s not nice being perceived as a nasty person and I would be interested to hear ideas how I can improve peoples view of me at work.
My initial thoughts are that it comes down to this - to end up in HR twice and assuming it's different people involved, either:
I also think with things like this that it's impossible to get the context across on an internet forum as quite literally without hearing a recording it's impossible to know if it was the words or the tone or quite what exactly, simply because it's a bit like written communication, the same words can be read and interpreted multiple ways.
- Your employer has a company culture where HR always has a queue of people lining up to make complaints over the most petty of matters.
- You're unlucky, misunderstood etc. Twice.
- Something about how you come across is upsetting/pissing people off. Twice.
I also think with things like this that it's impossible to get the context across on an internet forum as quite literally without hearing a recording it's impossible to know if it was the words or the tone or quite what exactly, simply because it's a bit like written communication, the same words can be read and interpreted multiple ways.
This is the crazy thing. My role is not overly stressful or demanding, I'm the catering manager for a group of schools and I teach a couple of afternoons. It has its moments like everyones jobs, good and bad but it's hardly life or death stuff. I took this role having worked in training for 25+ years so interacting with people (training 20,000+ people) shouldn't be an issue!
If you had a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 was someone who cried at the Andrex puppy adverts and a raving militant psychopath at 10 some the staff at 1 and I'm a 6. Most other people are a 5 and we have a couple of 7's!
The cartoon is definitely how some people think of me, have to say it is only a handful out of 100+ but still be nice to have everyone onside.
If you had a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 was someone who cried at the Andrex puppy adverts and a raving militant psychopath at 10 some the staff at 1 and I'm a 6. Most other people are a 5 and we have a couple of 7's!
The cartoon is definitely how some people think of me, have to say it is only a handful out of 100+ but still be nice to have everyone onside.
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hstewie said:
hstewie said:- Your employer has a company culture where HR always has a queue of people lining up to make complaints over the most petty of matters.
truck71 said:
Try to use the comments positively, I'd thoroughly recommend doing a 360 feedback exercise amongst colleagues/ peers. It is really useful to understand how others perceive your behaviours compared to how you perceive them. I did it some years ago and was startled to learn I was a scary autocratic type who didn't listen. It helped me change this and develop not just professionally but personally (albeit with the odd reversion to type now and then).
Excellent idea. It's about time we did a staff survey not just about "me" but of my department as a whole. I have a few staff changes happening after Christmas so the new year would a good time to do something like this.Do you agree or could you see that the previous complaints were fair?
I don't mean to come across as unkind but as you posted on here and you're looking for honest support, then if you can see yourself in that picture or know you can give off that image then I'll stick my neck out and say it's you...I think most people can get through their career without one complaint against them, but I'm purely guessing based on my work life.
Did you get told who the people that complained are? I know you have in the most recent one. Have you changed your approach with those people?
I don't mean to come across as unkind but as you posted on here and you're looking for honest support, then if you can see yourself in that picture or know you can give off that image then I'll stick my neck out and say it's you...I think most people can get through their career without one complaint against them, but I'm purely guessing based on my work life.
Did you get told who the people that complained are? I know you have in the most recent one. Have you changed your approach with those people?
hondafanatic said:
I think most people can get through their career without one complaint against them, but I'm purely guessing based on my work life.
That's what I was driving at earlier whilst taking into account that different organisations have different cultures.I don't work for a huge firm but I'd never ever dream of going to HR unless someone had seriously got to me, but that's because IMO HR aren't the people you go to when you want someone to be "had a word" with, it's where you go when you have a genuine grievance and you walk in there with a possible consequence being you f
k up someone else's career.Maybe it's totally different in a school?
@Tony what's the hierarchy? Who sites between you and HR?
bhstewie said:
hstewie said:hondafanatic said:
I think most people can get through their career without one complaint against them, but I'm purely guessing based on my work life.
That's what I was driving at earlier whilst taking into account that different organisations have different cultures.I don't work for a huge firm but I'd never ever dream of going to HR unless someone had seriously got to me, but that's because IMO HR aren't the people you go to when you want someone to be "had a word" with, it's where you go when you have a genuine grievance and you walk in there with a possible consequence being you f
k up someone else's career.Maybe it's totally different in a school?
@Tony what's the hierarchy? Who sites between you and HR?
And yes, I can see how someone might have taken how I said things in a critical way but only if they were extremely sensitive in the first place. But theres more chance of me changing than them and its not in my interest to have HR second guessing me.
My genuine thoughts are that I am direct and can be quite abrupt but that's it. I work with 95% of people without any issue at all. Perfectly normal, friendly working relationships.
Maybe you don't know yourself as well as you think you do.
You've compared yourself to a public figure who is thought to be on the Aspergers scale, doesn't realise it, nor does anyone around him. Whilst he does his job exceptionally well (from the viewpoint of expertise and simply getting things done) he rubs people up the wrong way all the time, he is so efficient he seems to miss the other bits needed when dealing with humans.
I wonder if you've ever watched a drama called 'The Bridge', if you haven't and like Doc Martin I would recommend it, start with series one.
You've compared yourself to a public figure who is thought to be on the Aspergers scale, doesn't realise it, nor does anyone around him. Whilst he does his job exceptionally well (from the viewpoint of expertise and simply getting things done) he rubs people up the wrong way all the time, he is so efficient he seems to miss the other bits needed when dealing with humans.
I wonder if you've ever watched a drama called 'The Bridge', if you haven't and like Doc Martin I would recommend it, start with series one.
I can't be doing with sensitive souls in the workplace. I worked in the City for 10 years and used an external HR consultancy to keep us on the right side of employment. Twice I had to overrule them to make sure things got done as they were taking employment laws to the extreme.
I would love to see their faces if they spent a single day on the construction site I'm running. If I spoke to any of the work force in a sensitive manner they would think I'd gone soft
I would love to see their faces if they spent a single day on the construction site I'm running. If I spoke to any of the work force in a sensitive manner they would think I'd gone soft
DJFish said:
Times are a changing.
Workplaces are becoming more and more PC, you just have to roll with it.
Yep. My first office job we all had an ashtray, swore like troopers, headed to the pub for a few hours on Friday lunchtime etc. Still got plenty done but it can't have been a pleasant place to work if you didn't drink, smoke or were not impressed with colourful language.Workplaces are becoming more and more PC, you just have to roll with it.
227bhp said:
Maybe you don't know yourself as well as you think you do.
You've compared yourself to a public figure who is thought to be on the Aspergers scale, doesn't realise it, nor does anyone around him. Whilst he does his job exceptionally well (from the viewpoint of expertise and simply getting things done) he rubs people up the wrong way all the time, he is so efficient he seems to miss the other bits needed when dealing with humans.
I wonder if you've ever watched a drama called 'The Bridge', if you haven't and like Doc Martin I would recommend it, start with series one.
That's fair comment and (working with Autistic kids) I recognise the traits in me. When I liken myself to Doc Martin I'd say in a much milder form. I might think like he acts in the programme but I don't actually act like it (well not all the time!).You've compared yourself to a public figure who is thought to be on the Aspergers scale, doesn't realise it, nor does anyone around him. Whilst he does his job exceptionally well (from the viewpoint of expertise and simply getting things done) he rubs people up the wrong way all the time, he is so efficient he seems to miss the other bits needed when dealing with humans.
I wonder if you've ever watched a drama called 'The Bridge', if you haven't and like Doc Martin I would recommend it, start with series one.
21TonyK said:
227bhp said:
Maybe you don't know yourself as well as you think you do.
You've compared yourself to a public figure who is thought to be on the Aspergers scale, doesn't realise it, nor does anyone around him. Whilst he does his job exceptionally well (from the viewpoint of expertise and simply getting things done) he rubs people up the wrong way all the time, he is so efficient he seems to miss the other bits needed when dealing with humans.
I wonder if you've ever watched a drama called 'The Bridge', if you haven't and like Doc Martin I would recommend it, start with series one.
That's fair comment and (working with Autistic kids) I recognise the traits in me. When I liken myself to Doc Martin I'd say in a much milder form. I might think like he acts in the programme but I don't actually act like it (well not all the time!).You've compared yourself to a public figure who is thought to be on the Aspergers scale, doesn't realise it, nor does anyone around him. Whilst he does his job exceptionally well (from the viewpoint of expertise and simply getting things done) he rubs people up the wrong way all the time, he is so efficient he seems to miss the other bits needed when dealing with humans.
I wonder if you've ever watched a drama called 'The Bridge', if you haven't and like Doc Martin I would recommend it, start with series one.
The Martin character is obviously strengthened to make it entertaining viewing, you wonder how far he would have got if it were real life.
Purely from my own POV, I saw it as you either put your mask on and get on with it, or stop pretending to be a team player, work on your own, make your world around you to suit and be yourself.
An interesting subject I think, one which should perhaps be titled 'Yes, but it gets the job done doesn't it?'
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