Confused about an ex-girlfriend

[Petrolhead95]

I have no idea why I'm posting on here... I guess it's because I have no idea what's going on.

Long story short me and my ex-girlfriend broke up about a week ago because I was having a tough time and took it out on her; lots of arguing, anger and being vacant. She knows I regret it massively but she said she wanted a "break" to work out what she wants as she is really confused. She gave me another chance but I managed to mess that up too so now we're officially broken up and she keeps saying "for now" - what the hell does that mean?

She messages me every chance she gets, calls me, texts me, invites me over to hers as soon as she leaves work, wants me to stay the night. Still affectionate etc, but just wants to be friends for now. Is this a chance to prove myself that things can go back to normal or just an easier way out for her? We're not just friends, but we're not dating either.

Can someone shed some light?!

[Bodged]

You're still in there, if you are happy then try not to cock it up this time.

Oh and don't forget to smash her back doors in.

[Hainey]

You've asked a question only you can answer, as you know her and none of us do.

For some women, what she is doing is a way to keep a guy in the friend zone for comfort until they move on. Monkeys preferring to keep a grip of a branch until they hold the next one, to use the oft quoted phrase.

Or maybe she wants to see if you can be a good person outside of a physical relationship, and if so then she knows its worth investing in you and your relationship one more time.

Whatever one it is, I wish you luck and I hope whatever demons are driving the bad behavior can be worked out.

[Petrolhead95]

That's the problem - I have no idea what's going on and it's driving me into craziness. Sunday night she was telling me how she still cares for me ridiculous amounts - her words - while cuddling up to me. She said the past two months felt like to her that I don't love her anymore, all the romance etc just wasn't there on my part. I'm no expert at this but I guess I've hurt her quite badly although she would never admit that.

I guess the best move for me now would be to just take it slow, play it cool? If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't sort of thing.

[Hainey]

Petrolhead95 said:

That's the problem - I have no idea what's going on and it's driving me into craziness. Sunday night she was telling me how she still cares for me ridiculous amounts - her words - while cuddling up to me. She said the past two months felt like to her that I don't love her anymore, all the romance etc just wasn't there on my part. I'm no expert at this but I guess I've hurt her quite badly although she would never admit that.

I guess the best move for me now would be to just take it slow, play it cool? If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't sort of thing.

With that it does sound as if she is trying to hit the reset button on the relationship and start again. All credit to her if that's the case.

Why not embrace this for what it is, and that's an opportunity. Start again with her and treat it like a new relationship. Ask if you can take her on a date and don't try and jump her bones at the end of it, try and talk about new things over dinner and maybe tell her why you took yourself down the destructive road you did. Try and be fun and approachable again instead of how you sound as if you have been lately.

If you want this to work then it will. It has to come from you though and you have to be man enough in the grown up sense to recognise that. If you can't, then maybe she is the right woman at the wrong time in your life and as awful as that is, it happens to many guys.

Your decision friend.

[Driver101]

Too many women just can't be single. They need to have a partner and often don't split with one until another is on the scene.

It sounds as if she's looking for your companionship until someone else steps in. You'll get the we were just friends excuse when that happens.

[Petrolhead95]

Thanks for the replies.

She asked for some space and she will come to me when she's ready so I need to give it a couple of weeks yet before trying to rekindle something. Would I be right in assuming that if she wanted me out of her life she certainly wouldn't be saying/doing any of this at all?

I know I'm only young but I really, really don't want to mess this up.

[Mr MXT]

Sounds to me like she just wants to keep you 'on the hook'.

Suggest some time apart (with no contact) and see how you both feel after a couple of weeks.

Breaks up are tough, but it gets easier.

[Wobbegong]

It is one of two,things

1) she wants you there until she has found her next branch

or

2) she does just want a bit of time but still wants to rekindle things if you continue to get on well

Maybe give it a week and invite her to yours for the evening and go all out with something romantic. If she loves it you're back on track, if not then you know it is time to move on.

As for romantic......

Loads of candles, inflatable heart balloons floating about, rose petals scattered throughout and leading to the room and this playing as she enters

https://youtu.be/TwC_ej9qS_k

Preferably on a 60" tv

[lemmingjames]

3. Christmas is coming and nights are getting colder/darker

[davek_964]

Hainey said:

For some women, what she is doing is a way to keep a guy in the friend zone for comfort until they move on. Monkeys preferring to keep a grip of a branch until they hold the next one, to use the oft quoted phrase.

+1.

Most people can't simply switch off their feelings even when a relationship ends, so this kind of thing isn't all that unusual. Many years ago, I split with somebody who was in a mutual group of friends - we all went out pretty much every weekend and for several weeks - if not months - we'd usually end up back at her place at the end of the evening.
My guess is that this will simply prolong the inevitable - but that's not necessarily true, so if you want more then good luck to you (and learn from your mistakes).

[hyphen]

Petrolhead95 said:

I have no idea why I'm posting on here... I guess it's because I have no idea what's going on.

Long story short me and my ex-girlfriend broke up about a week ago because I was having a tough time and took it out on her; lots of arguing, anger and being vacant. She knows I regret it massively but she said she wanted a "break" to work out what she wants as she is really confused. She gave me another chance but I managed to mess that up too so now we're officially broken up and she keeps saying "for now" - what the hell does that mean?

What issues are you having, how can you show her 'beyond reasonable doubt' that you will overcome them,

[LaurasOtherHalf]

Driver101 said:

Too many women just can't be single. They need to have a partner and often don't split with one until another is on the scene.

It sounds as if she's looking for your companionship until someone else steps in. You'll get the we were just friends excuse when that happens.

This^^

[Ste1987]

LaurasOtherHalf said:

Driver101 said:

Too many women just can't be single. They need to have a partner and often don't split with one until another is on the scene.

It sounds as if she's looking for your companionship until someone else steps in. You'll get the we were just friends excuse when that happens.

This^^

Yup, been there, done that, didn't even get a bloody t-shirt. I'd run a mile if I was you, OP, don't give her that satisfaction.

[utgjon]

Communicate, communicate, communicate...

Have some proper conversations, and make it clear that what is said is what is meant - none of this second-guessing rubbish.

Talk about everything, and try to take some of the emotion and accusation out of it. Make sure you apologise for everything, and show that you've thought about how you were led down the path that you were.

Then you'll know where you stand - nobody on the internet will be able to tell you more accurately than your ex-girlfriend!

It will take a long time, but when you know where you stand and if you decide to stick with it, what you should get out of it is a stronger relationship than what you had before.

[Foliage]

Ste1987 said:

LaurasOtherHalf said:

Driver101 said:

Too many women just can't be single. They need to have a partner and often don't split with one until another is on the scene.

It sounds as if she's looking for your companionship until someone else steps in. You'll get the we were just friends excuse when that happens.

This^^

Yup, been there, done that, didn't even get a bloody t-shirt. I'd run a mile if I was you, OP, don't give her that satisfaction.

Yep that crap

[Zod]

Petrolhead95 said:

That's the problem - I have no idea what's going on and it's driving me into craziness. Sunday night she was telling me how she still cares for me ridiculous amounts - her words - while cuddling up to me. She said the past two months felt like to her that I don't love her anymore, all the romance etc just wasn't there on my part. I'm no expert at this but I guess I've hurt her quite badly although she would never admit that.

I guess the best move for me now would be to just take it slow, play it cool? If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't sort of thing.

This is an easy case. She wants you to apologise sincerely and tell her that you love her. She won't tell you that, but it's what she wants. If you want her, then do that. If you don't, move on.

[Petrolhead95]

Zod said:

This is an easy case. She wants you to apologise sincerely and tell her that you love her. She won't tell you that, but it's what she wants. If you want her, then do that. If you don't, move on.

Can't see it being that easy. The other night I apologised time after time after time, kept asking if there was any way she could give me another chance - she said no but she said she doesn't know what will happen in the future. Saying that, at that point we weren't getting on that well, but after all that saying sorry I stayed the night.

[jakesmith]

Petrolhead95 said:

Can't see it being that easy. The other night I apologised time after time after time, kept asking if there was any way she could give me another chance - she said no but she said she doesn't know what will happen in the future. Saying that, at that point we weren't getting on that well, but after all that saying sorry I stayed the night.

Are you banging when you stay over I presume?

The way I see it is you make a few grand gestures like a really expensive dinner out & see what happens, but avoid talking about 'are we together' as that will force her hand at a time when she thinks she is pulling the strings. If you impress her when she has one foot in one foot out, she can slip back in without losing any face. If you keep talking about it you risk pressuring her & making it easy for her to leave.

[amancalledrob]

Petrolhead95 said:

Can't see it being that easy. The other night I apologised time after time after time, kept asking if there was any way she could give me another chance - she said no but she said she doesn't know what will happen in the future. Saying that, at that point we weren't getting on that well, but after all that saying sorry I stayed the night.

With that third chance talk you're asking her to give you something. You should be asking what you can give her. I don't know what you're going through so please don't take this as judgmental but you messed up, you got a second chance and that was messed up too. It hurts when you give someone that extra chance and they blow it.

I think she probably feels like she's been a bit of a mug, whether that's true or not. It's not an easy or quick problem for you to solve, and if she's saying she feels unappreciated then you need to ask how long it's taken for her to speak up about it - these feelings could have been there under the surface for some time. You need to find a way to make her feel both loved and appreciated and as said above it's got to come from you, not from us lot. Good luck