Hello guys, I could really do with some input if possible.

I've been with my employer for nearly 4 years now. 3 year apprenticeship and 9 months as a full time member of staff. In those 3 years and 9 months (particularly the last 15 months or so) a combination of poor management, bullying and racism has managed to wear away all enthusiasm and joy I got from what I thought would be my dream job.

I'm not proud to say it but I've turned to some pretty grim coping mechanisms to get me through with life (not during working hours I hasten to add). Drinking and the re-occurrence of my teenage self harm tendencies are the ones worth mentioning to give you some sort of idea. I've been low. Very low. I've been to the doctors regarding 'depression' and was even given a note to say that I was permitted to take random days off due to a undisclosed illness, but I still 'forced' myself to go regardless.

I'm not proud to say, Last monday I woke up, put on my work clothes and sobbed my eyes out from the moment I closed the door all the way there. All week I welled up as some as I caught a glimpse of the building and every night I drank so I could forget that I'd have to repeat the process again the next day.

And when I woke up, put my work clothes on and sobbed my eyes out this monday. The thought of doing exactly the same thing seemed impossible, so I snapped and I simply went to bed. And did nothing but sleep for 20 odd hours.

I know I screwed up by not calling in, but I couldn't face the thought of it, any of it. I genuinely have the feeling that if I had 'forced' myself out to work that morning I would have done something stupid and wouldn't be typing this now.

Today I did manage, and spoke to my manager, apologized for yesterday and told him I was 'sick' and he was far from supportive. Talking about disciplinary actions on the phone and mentioning what I 'Should' be doing today isn't exactly what somebody who was having a full blown anxiety attack about making the phone call in the first place needs to hear.

Anyway, I appreciate that I am rambling now, but I need help because I'm terrified. I don't have the slightest clue as to what I'm going to, what I'm supposed to do, how much money I'm going to get paid this friday or anything. I know that I should call in tomorrow but I don't think I can do it full stop, in fact the thought alone is making me think some pretty dark thoughts.

I don't want to give them grounds to sack me, but in the same breath I don't actually think I care because the thought of going back is so unbearably horrible.

Give me some input someone, please?

Thanks

How about starting to look for alternative employment?

Youre young - leave, go traveling and take stock. Life's too short to be feeling this way and time out is a big help.

I understand the formal complaint route but that won't diminish your stress no matter how many wrongs you'd like to right and you'll end with a win maybe, but at what cost.

Thanks guys.

I know that going to the doctor and seeing what can be done in regards to sick leave is the step I need to make next, and I'll make an appointment for tomorrow, but it is what to do afterwards that is concerning me.

My first thought was to put together an email and send it off to the contacts I have at the factory, my training provider and the head of H.R at head office giving them a little bit of an insight to exactly where I am and maybe mentioning that I want to start a grievance procedure, but in the same breath I'm wondering if it is even worth it. Nothing on my list past grievances is screaming out to me as completely out of order behaviour, its just sly, petty little things that have slowly whittled me down to the point I'm at now, I can't help but ask myself what is the point?

This will sound pathetic, but I feel like I've got precious little energy left and the time and effort I use to fight them is the time and effort I can't put into getting out of my current situation permanently, I.E looking for another form of employment. I don't want them to get away with it but I don't want to put myself in the position of needing to go back because I haven't been able to sort anything else out, but at the end of the day I need some sort of a wage coming in.

Oh, and I have a question - Is it acceptable to now have contact with work from here on out via letters rather than phone calls?. I know I am being a pathetic weirdo but please, please try to understand how difficult the thought alone of picking up the phone and speaking to my manager is. I haven't really suffered from 'anxiety' since my childhood years but this has brought it all back with a nasty vengeance.

279, regarding the grievance proceedure, I would forget it. It sounds like you are oversensitive to what is simply a crap working environment.
I cant help that starting grievance proceedures is only going to make you stressed and upset.
UNder the circumstances I would have thought emails are acceptable, or get a friend to call them on your behalf. Echo about the doctors. It doesn't take someone with medical training to recognise that you are not in a normal state of mind.

I don't see how I could avoid the sick note route to be honest? I can only self certify for a week that is nearly over and I'm not in any position to go back on Monday, I can't even do a phonecall, let alone go back in and face the music without a shed of proof that I'm mentally not doing very well.

I think my only short term option is to go to the doctors' tomorrow and explain the stress and anxiety I have towards work and seeing what they can offer. Then I'm going to send in a letter explaining the situation along with a photocopy of whatever I get from the doctor and maybe punt an email over to H.R at head office just to keep them in the loop. My direct managers will probably hate me for getting head office involved, but I'd like to let them know something is going on before my managers let them know something is going on, if they haven't already. Sound like a good plan?

I just need to buy some time until I A) Snap out out this and can return or B) Can sort something else out, but at this point I can't stop myself from doing anything else but worry.

The worst thing is that I know I'm being a pathetic, melodramatic idiot who needs to man up and get on with life but I can't find it within myself to do it. So I sit here and feel sorry for myself and worry, like a pathetic, melodramatic idiot who needs to man up and get on with life .

Cheers guys.

I don't have any legal advice to give, but one thing about your latest post has prompted me to say something.

If your direct managers cared one iota about you then they would have noticed something was wrong with you and wouldn't have let it get to this stage.

You need to get this through your head; this is about YOU getting better.

Get yourself signed off for 2 weeks. First week don't even think about work, focus on yourself. If you've got some family you can stay with then go and see them for a few days, you'd be amazed at how a change of scenary can work wonders. If not then sleep in, potter around, watch some DVDs, read PH, but make sure you get out and get some fresh air even if all you do is walk around the park for 10 minutes a day. Exercise is good for depression as it releases endorphins, but I know it's difficult to find the energy for anything when you're feeling low hence why going for a walk is a good start. Basically, spend that first week focusing on YOU.

2nd week, time for a plan of action. Follow the advice above about contacting the Union and reading up on ACAS and the like. Sit down with a notebook and try to remember dates and times of racist comments and the other things that have been building up. Get your CV polished up (I've seen lots of people get great CV feedback off PH before so don't be afraid to ask for help there) and start looking for a new job. One way or another you can't stay at this company, it'll drag you back down to your low point eventually.

PH is a mine of information, once you dodge the minefield of MTFU comments. Read the advice the guys have given you above and get yourself in a position to start fighting your corner.

If you've done an apprenticeship and then less than a years work you can only be 24 at most!

No point being unhappy, and no shame in walking out if thats how you feel. No job is worth all that, especially at your age.

You are aware that you are talking complete and utter horsest, right?

Perhaps you are quite right, maybe there isn't anything particularly bad happening at work, maybe I am being slightly over sensitive to a 'challenging' work environment but the point remains, when I started this job over 3 and a half years ago I was touched that I managed to score what I considered a dream job. When I've gone away for training I've pick up apprentice of the year, had every single one of my instructors I've had at our training centre so a big liking to me, I've been offered foreign work placements through the academy and must have impressed people to the point where executives who I have never met know me by name. I genuneily don't think achieving what I have achieved (and to be honest, I don't think I achieved much) would have been possible if I was the gibbering mental wreck you are trying to imply I am.

Unfortunately, for whatever reason (I know why, but I don't have irrefutable proof to back me up at a tribunal, so I've have to clinch my teeth and ignore it) the good impression I've managed to make away from work on training hasn't really transferred over in to day in, day out working life, and eventually I've been ground down to where I am now, genuinely unable to even call in sick. I'm not proud of that, neither do I say it is particularly normal, but I am willing to stand here and say to my dying breath that it is NOT all in my head, and suggesting otherwise is some crass, insensitive bullst.

At the end of the day you don't know me, what I've lived through and what I have achieved. All you are going off are a few emotional posts I've made during an emotional week for me.

so . . . you DO have fight in your belly - now MTFU and sort YOU out - do the right thing (not throwing your current job down the toilet, not throwing a sickie and not doing a tribunal - talk to them, bypass the structure if need be) and everything else will sort itself out - you seem more than capable.

Good Luck