Feeling resentment/bitterness when working away.

[Dms86]

Hi

I don't post much but wanted to gather some opinions from people who may be in the same predicament as me.

I also await those people telling me to man up etc

I work in an industry which involves me being away for at least half the year, maybe more. I've recently started to become very bored when working away and although I have colleagues I can feel quite lonely too. I have tried talking to my girlfriend about this but she doesn't seem to see where I am coming from.

I've also started to resent the fact that I'm when working away she is at home enjoying herself at the weekends. I am very happy for her to have this lifestyle but can't help the resentment feelings when I'm away. She doesn't contribute to any bills and I pay for everything.

Part of me thinks to take a lower paid job and be able to stay at home. But would I get bored of this after a while?!

So I'm just after some opinions of people who may have found themselves in this situation and how you've dealt with it?

Thanks

[bigunit00]

Dms86 said:

I've recently started to become very bored when working away and although I have colleagues I can feel quite lonely too. I have tried talking to my girlfriend about this but she doesn't seem to see where I am coming from.

I've also started to resent the fact that I'm when working away she is at home enjoying herself at the weekends. I am very happy for her to have this lifestyle but can't help the resentment feelings when I'm away. She doesn't contribute to any bills and I pay for everything.

Surely life is too short to be travelling so much for work plus you are bored etc. Why stick at it? .............

Your partner doesn't sound incentived to understand your predicament. Rather incentivised not to understand it. What a life. Why is the dynamic so unbalanced? Sounds like she is loving life taking the proverbial

[Dms86]

She works hard but she keeps what she earns. I wouldn't say shes taking the piss as such with her lifestyle. Financially yes! She just has normal life in the way of working near home and having free weekends.

I am stuck in that awkward situation of needing to work to live and if I took anything near home it would mean massive cutbacks and worrying about money.

I would love to say sod it and quit but sometimes the answer is not that easy.

[DuraAce]

Dms86 said:

I would love to say sod it and quit but sometimes the answer is not that easy.

You don't need big houses/cars. We like them but you don't need them.

I bet you don't wish you'd spent more time at work when you're on your deathbed! You can't buy time back. I could increase my wages a lot by working away from home - ain't going to happen.

[Dms86]

Maybe I'm being slightly misunderstood as I haven't given enough background info. I live in a normal 3 bed house in the midlands and drive a 16 year old car!

I am working to provide a normal life for my family nothing extravagant.

But if I found lower paid work it would still impact my living standards quite heavily.

[bigunit00]

Ok but if she contributed a "fair share" wouldn't that make a different job a possibility? I still don't understand if she works why she isn't contributing financially

[Dms86]

It would certainly make it easier.

I think it could be because when we first met she had a low paid job so I never asked for anything anyway.

Whenever I ask her about it we get into arguments.

Maybe this topic should be moved to mumsnet

[Sheepshanks]

Dms86 said:

But if I found lower paid work it would still impact my living standards quite heavily.

You haven't got any living standards to impact on. Your girlfriend has though.

I think we can all guess what will happen if you find lower paid work near home.

[burritoNinja]

It is tough. No doubt about it. When I was in the Army I was away from my Wife and 1 year old child for nearly a year. Seen them once in that time. When I returned from where I was stationed, my child barely knew who I was. it was very difficult. I was in a unit with about 32 of us in the one bay. Had two main friends in the bunks next to me. Lived with these guys 24/7 and as you say, it is lonely. I was very lonely and felt isolated. I don't know if I really had a coping technique. During busy times of training or doing our work, it was easier but the evenings when you sort of split away from the group to have your own space was hard. I would not want something like that ever again. I know you're not military but I do believe that most jobs that require being away for months or years on end are really for young single people. Being single would have made the Army a lot easier.

[Dms86]

Luckily my time away is broken up and I do go home. Its not a constant 6 months away. That is what it all adds up to over the year.

I don't envy people who do long stints with young families etc

[craigjm]

Sounds to me that its time to give the girlfriend a reality check or chuck her into the fk it bucket and move on. She is taking the piss and you have to question why she isn't keen on you being at home more often. If you're not happy doing what you are doing then work out how much you need to live the life you want and find a job nearer home that pays that. Working away from home where you are at least in this country could give you more time at home as you could go home at weekends. Don't live a miserable life.

[ColdoRS]

I work away too, 183 days a year to be exact. (Make sure I don't have to pay tax...)

Working away to the extent we do is absolutely a catch 22 - I have decided that (for now) the money and 6 months of no work and freedom is worth more than halfing my salary to work and spend my time at home.


Your missus not putting anything in the pot and living it up at the weekends is a bit odd though - i'd say that's something to be addressed which sounds like it would make you happier about your situation.

My missus is good as gold, works hard and puts into the pot but she does occasionaly get a bit upset that I spend so much time away - I remind her that me being away allows us the nice lifestyle we enjoy, the 3 or 4 holidays a year, the cars and the house and the financial security.

Do what makes you happy.

[petop]

ColdoRS said:

I work away too, 183 days a year to be exact. (Make sure I don't have to pay tax...)

No tax, you sure with those days in the UK numbers?

Back to the OP's point. I work away as well but i do 280 odd days away a year. So therefore what money i earn is usually spent by SHMBO while im away on "house stuff" and DiY goods for me to put up, make, construct when im back. She also earns though and her money pays all utility bills, council tax etc, whilst i give her some "spending money" and i pay the mortgage.
But i work in a mil environment which was a carry on from when i was serving, instead i dont wear a stuffy uniform and dont take the bullst that comes with the mil.
But then the advantage of this work i do is my work colleagues are all ex mil and the banter is still there to make the time go by. I do my stints back home but ill admit one or two times when i get to the last few days im back in work mode and look forward to going back....i say to myself im bksed when i retire! But that type of thinking is because you will never take the mil out of someone.
I will leave this type of work if she tells me to or i dont have to worry about money. Of the 2 i think ill get to the 2nd one first!
But you always think that those back at home are getting more benefit day-to-day pf the money you earn. But as long as they (she!) doesnt take the piss and appreciates what you do then keep going.

[Flooble]

Hmm, am I the only one who wondered about the girlfriend apparently not being at all bothered by the OP not being around at home?

Or is that just my cynical mind?

I think you need to work out if the job is enjoyable aside from the travel, or if there is something else triggering your melancholy. With trips that are broken up, how are you losing the weekends? Is it a 4 on/4 off type situation out on an oil rig or similar? Or are you just stuck in a hotel somewhere? When I was travelling a lot I'd go an explore wherever I was (if I had any free time!). Got to see lots of interesting things that way, all for free! It all depends on where you are and if you have downtime while away ...

[craigjm]

Flooble said:

Hmm, am I the only one who wondered about the girlfriend apparently not being at all bothered by the OP not being around at home?

Or is that just my cynical mind?

No which is why I mentioned sorting it out

[ashleyman]

I don't know your personal circumstances. But it sounds to me like if you didn't have a girlfriend at home. You'd be fine when working away...

[Some Gump]

OP,

I used to work away a lot, same resentment / loneliness set it, it just built and built.

Changed jobs and became much, much happier.

Oh, and if I hadn't changed the situation, she'd have probably left me anyway. People don't have relationships with your wallet, they have one with you..

[MiggyA]

Dms86 said:

Maybe I'm being slightly misunderstood as I haven't given enough background info. I live in a normal 3 bed house in the midlands and drive a 16 year old car!

I am working to provide a normal life for my family nothing extravagant.

But if I found lower paid work it would still impact my living standards quite heavily.

For your family - are there kids involved here?

[Stylus]

It's pretty standard I'd say, most people don't travel for work because they enjoy it (at least long term), but because the financial/career perks are higher.

I find the boredom/loneliness goes hand in hand - try and keep busy. During the day I'm fine if busy at the office, but once sat in a hotel room the boredom will come, and not far behind the loneliness can hit. As mentioned above try exploring the area you are in, Geo Caching can pass some time, hell go out hunting Pokemon if you want! Also try not to eat in the hotel/room service every night, plan activities for when you're home to help remind yourself why you're doing it, set targets in the gym - basically anything to keep mind and body going.

I appreciate the above is dependent on where you are, if you're on a rig (been there) you won't get much of a change of scenery for the hitch but there is likely a gym. Similarly some locations you are pretty confined due to safety concerns, so finding something inside the hotel is required - a good book helps!

I also find long term goals are important and keeps things in perspective. Do something whilst you're away to help progress, distance learning courses could keep you occupied and lead to a change of job function/industry if that's what you want.

[schmunk]

petop said:

No tax, you sure with those days in the UK numbers?

Looking at ColdoRS' profile, he's a "Seafarer", so exists within a special tax regime where >183 days outside the UK in any 365 is the magic number.