Being “gentler” with colleagues

[21TonyK]

shep1001 said:

I got pulled in with one of the lads I work with to see HR for arguing. We were having some light hearted banter and a discussion about some product inventory I had allocated to me rather than his customer. It was along the lines that my customer is more important & probably spills more on the floor than yours buys so naturally your order got blobbed so stop bumping your gums.

We were wetting ourselves, almost to the point of crying but HR were deadly serious, how they kept a straight face I don't know. You see he hadn't reported me, somebody walking past the office had heard us 'arguing' and thought that was not conducive to a good sales environment & morale. No mention about calling each other knob head or the other expletives that might have been used, just we were 'arguing' and its 'all one team' bks.

We had to apologise to each other so HR could go back to our 'accuser' and explain the outcome. They would not tell us who reported us either.

Similar thing first time I got "HR'd". Someone (I can guess who) was upset by the way I spoke to someone else. The person being spoken too wasn't and they told HR that they weren't. The concern was that a 3rd party to the conversation thought I was "being nasty".

Although I accept I am quite blunt sometimes and could offend, I did make it very clear to HR I didn't accept the recent accusation and asked them to make the accuser aware. They said it would be inflammatory, ie. HR are seen to be chastising the nasty person.

[Corpulent Tosser]

Perhaps the OP needs a "Soft Skills Course".

I got sent on one a number of years ago when working for an American oil company.

Apparently, I was abrupt and didn't socially interact in the office.
If I went into someone's office I would get to the point ask whatever it was I wanted to know or tell them what I needed them to know and leave, just like I would want people to do if they came into mine.
I was advised on the course that I should first exchange pleasantries and lead into the actual reason for being there.

Apparently I didn't engage people on the worksite (oil rig) and would just tell them what I wanted them to do.
I was advised on the course I should explain what was required and why, get the technician/rig hand to buy in to the plan rather than just tell them.

Anyway it was two days of listening to waffle (in my opinion) which I got paid for.

Didn't change my ways much though.

[johnwilliams77]

Corpulent Tosser said:

Perhaps the OP needs a "Soft Skills Course".

I got sent on one a number of years ago when working for an American oil company.

Apparently, I was abrupt and didn't socially interact in the office.
If I went into someone's office I would get to the point ask whatever it was I wanted to know or tell them what I needed them to know and leave, just like I would want people to do if they came into mine.
I was advised on the course that I should first exchange pleasantries and lead into the actual reason for being there.

Apparently I didn't engage people on the worksite (oil rig) and would just tell them what I wanted them to do.
I was advised on the course I should explain what was required and why, get the technician/rig hand to buy in to the plan rather than just tell them.

Anyway it was two days of listening to waffle (in my opinion) which I got paid for.

Didn't change my ways much though.

I am in two minds about this. I personally prefer your style as it shows leadership and cuts the crap. Usually much more effective. Every team / scenario is different, there is a time where the 'soft' approach may have it's place...``

[truck71]

johnwilliams77 said:

I am in two minds about this. I personally prefer your style as it shows leadership and cuts the crap. Usually much more effective. Every team / scenario is different, there is a time where the 'soft' approach may have it's place...``

Depends how you define leadership. For me leadership is influence, if your behaviours don't influence others you're failing to lead. I've been through the whole exercise as someone who was abrupt, to the point, lack of engagement etc which only got me so far. Once I recognised the shortcomings in this approach and changed my behaviours I was able to progress career wise. Wasn't easy and even now there are times I have to really suppress frustration at some people but suppress it has to be.

[dudleybloke]

I like to turn up the heat and watch the snowflakes melt.

[21TonyK]

Well today wasn't a disaster

Emailed feedback form to all staff (100+). Didn't upset anyone although frustration for a few seconds at one point.

Day 1 down... its like in the Hulk films... "days without incident"

[TonyRPH]

HD Adam said:

<snip>
Most of the younger people I work with have gone through a "prizes for all" life and been constantly rewarded for failure.
Nobody gets told when they are wrong.
<snip>

This is really the crux of the problem.

Failure just isn't on the agenda any more.

I'm also 55, and I know exactly what 'HD Adam' means.

When we were at school, failure was part of the learning curve , you learned from it and it was character building.

These days, even if you fail, you are given some kind of recognition as if you had succeeded at something (failure maybe!).

This has led to a bunch of soft, sensitive 'drones' most many of whom cannot accept criticism or failure.

Very unfortunate.

[battered]

I work all over as a contractor/consultant. Typically I see 3 or 4 factories a year. Some places I fit, some not. Some places have a very hard culture, some not. Sometimes they even vary across sites within a group. I have had to learn to be VERY careful what I say and to flex my style according to what's needed. I don't always get it right. One thing that I do have to cope with is that following a head injury 7 years ago I suffered frontal lobe damage and a degree of disinhibition. In practical terms this means that I run a short fuse, I may make insensitive or inappropriate jokes and I don't have much of a sense of empathy or give a toss what other people think. Sometimes in my work in food factories this can be a bonus, especially if I have to be an authoritarian and a driver. It has also resulted in my being fired.

If I were you I'd have a look at the styles around you and see what works, and flex my style accordingly. What works on a construction site is not going to work in a school, hospital, or care home, and vice versa.

[slipstream 1985]

I have 9 staff in my department. And i have 9 slightly different management styles I use throughout the day.

[davepoth]

The one thing I try to remember is the "janitor at NASA" story, which I'm sure you all know. The point of that one is that people will generally do their job better if they have an appreciation of where it sits in the grand scheme of things because they're a bit more motivated.

[Ms R.Saucy]

Greg66 said:

Watch Strictly tonight. Listen to Craig and Darcey.

Craig always starts with a string of negatives before saying anything positive. Darcey always starts with a string of positives before saying anything negative.

Which one does the audience prefer?

Craig revels in being horrible is a now the pantomime villain to Darcey's fairy godmother and Len's benevolent Uncle / granddad...

each approach has it;s merits and it better than the 'st sandwich'

[Skyrat]

I'm going through something similar at the moment. I've been spoken to three times by my line manager because of my abrupt and tactless conversations with certain people in our team.

It's difficult because I work with two of the laziest fking bints I've ever come across, both of whom are my immediate 'superiors' and one of whom is my line manager. I have a strong work ethic, they are taking the piss. I've got zero respect for them now because of that, and I find it hard to conceal my disdain for them.

[21TonyK]

Well I made it to Xmas!! And (thankfully) my greatest source of irritation has now been removed from the workplace!

I suspect I will be a lot more tolerant in the new year!

[21TonyK]

Just thought I'd update this as there was some very good advice given and the past 12 or so months have been very interesting.

Since my last post where a particular team member left things have changed slowly and with their new (very competent) replacement in place for several months I am now seen as a "lovely man" by some, especially new staff. My manner with people hasn't really changed that much but I feel a lot more relaxed at work and people definitely aren't worried about approaching me any more, which is good!

I guess it points to the cause of the issue. Work place stress caused by having to carry incompetent staff who despite performance reviews and constant training for 2+ years were still in post because "once you're in you're in".

Thanks all.

[daveR6]

You sound like an introvert. Introverts need to be more concious during social situations particularly a "modern" working environment. I could be wrong on this.

Take or leave the following advice.

I detect stubbornness and lack of empathy in your tone. Not acknowledging your perceived as unapproachable will only make you screw your face up even harder.

No doubt being direct is required in some situations however it's how you do it. Perhaps you haven't quite mastered this skill yet. Developing a positive outward approach doesn't start and stop at work. It's a lifestyle change which requires self awareness, discipline and constant reminding.

If your committed to this role then reevaluate while you can. Some organisations are more forgiving than others.

Talking from personal experience. Good luck and I hope you find the right balance.

[Gargamel]

daveR6 said:

You sound like an introvert. Introverts need to be more concious during social situations particularly a "modern" working environment. I could be wrong on this.

Take or leave the following advice.

I detect stubbornness and lack of empathy in your tone. Not acknowledging your perceived as unapproachable will only make you screw your face up even harder.

No doubt being direct is required in some situations however it's how you do it. Perhaps you haven't quite mastered this skill yet. Developing a positive outward approach doesn't start and stop at work. It's a lifestyle change which requires self awareness, discipline and constant reminding.

If your committed to this role then reevaluate while you can. Some organisations are more forgiving than others.

Talking from personal experience. Good luck and I hope you find the right balance.

Or he worked with some one who was a bh and stirred it up in the office.

Your call.

[EmmaJ]

21TonyK said:

Another example when someone repeatedly does the same thing incorrectly despite being formally trained and coached on the job for several months/years(!) might be "In what world do you think that is acceptable?" and in one particularly memorable example they said "I'm really proud of whats I've done" (which was a complete disaster) I did actually say "Don't be, its crap".

Reminds me of the time a manager I was working with said to his team on discovering a serious error had occurred “No person could fk up this badly it must have been a team effort”