Being “gentler” with colleagues

[21TonyK]

227bhp said:

As you say, maybe a little bit seeps out from time to time and that is what they are picking up on.

The Martin character is obviously strengthened to make it entertaining viewing, you wonder how far he would have got if it were real life.

Purely from my own POV, I saw it as you either put your mask on and get on with it, or stop pretending to be a team player, work on your own, make your world around you to suit and be yourself.

An interesting subject I think, one which should perhaps be titled 'Yes, but it gets the job done doesn't it?'

Thing is I manage kitchen teams, and with them there is no issue. They know I am very specific and pedantic about how things need to be done and they do it. Occasionally I pick them up on things but do so in a supportive way, criticising the practice, not the person etc

I happily work in a team of similar or higher performers, lead teams or work on my own. Where I struggle is interacting with people who are making my work life more difficult through their incompetence or plain stupidity, eg. interrupting me to ask a question the answer to which was explained at two meetings and three emails they failed to attend and read.

I think in that instance I queried if they had email and suggested they actually read it.

[HD Adam]

truck71 said:

DJFish said:

Times are a changing.
Workplaces are becoming more and more PC, you just have to roll with it.

Yep. My first office job we all had an ashtray, swore like troopers, headed to the pub for a few hours on Friday lunchtime etc. Still got plenty done but it can't have been a pleasant place to work if you didn't drink, smoke or were not impressed with colourful language.

Yes, welcome to now and this is why I am just about ready to retire at the age of 55.

Same for me. Smoking in the office, pub for lunch, girlie calendars, talking more stuff than Donald Trump ever did and everyone being a bit of a "Gene Hunt".

A couple of years ago, I was reported to HR for giving somebody a bking and telling them they had fked up in no uncertain terms.
I had "hurt their feelings".This was a grown man by the way.

Most of the younger people I work with have gone through a "prizes for all" life and been constantly rewarded for failure.
Nobody gets told when they are wrong.

They is all a bunch of poofs

[Fleegle]

HD Adam said:

Yes, welcome to now and this is why I am just about ready to retire at the age of 55.

Same for me. Smoking in the office, pub for lunch, girlie calendars, talking more stuff than Donald Trump ever did and everyone being a bit of a "Gene Hunt".

A couple of years ago, I was reported to HR for giving somebody a bking and telling them they had fked up in no uncertain terms.
I had "hurt their feelings".This was a grown man by the way.

Most of the younger people I work with have gone through a "prizes for all" life and been constantly rewarded for failure.
Nobody gets told when they are wrong.

Completely agree with this

Not only do they get upset when told they have done something wrong, it always turns out to be someone elses fault as well . They think they are brilliant at their job, know everything and are cocky with it. Nothing is further from the truth. They think they are owed a living, and have no qualms about not turning up when it pleases them, usually without so much as a call or text.

It's a good job HR is there to protect our future!

[Pickled Piper]

If you are being accused of being "abrupt". Chances are that the other person feels they are not being listened to. Try letting them finish talking and consider your body language. You need to show you are listening, or look like you are listening, even if you are not. Nod your head, tilt your head, look at them and use phrases like "I see", "OK" etc. Once they have finished, ask them a few questions, this may prompt them to say more, then start your response.

[21TonyK]

Pickled Piper said:

If you are being accused of being "abrupt". Chances are that the other person feels they are not being listened to. Try letting them finish talking and consider your body language. You need to show you are listening, or look like you are listening, even if you are not. Nod your head, tilt your head, look at them and use phrases like "I see", "OK" etc. Once they have finished, ask them a few questions, this may prompt them to say more, then start your response.

Understand what you are saying but the listening part isn't the problem, its my response. Normally a very short answer.

For example, I should say...

"I appreciate what you are asking and I can see its important to you. But, right now I don't see how your request can be accommodated so unfortunately we'll have to look at how I can incorporate what you need into future plans. I'll let you know as soon as I can help"

At best what I say is... "Sorry, can't help with that right now" and at worst "Sorry, no. Can't do it" Normally followed by me just walking away.

Another example when someone repeatedly does the same thing incorrectly despite being formally trained and coached on the job for several months/years(!) might be "In what world do you think that is acceptable?" and in one particularly memorable example they said "I'm really proud of whats I've done" (which was a complete disaster) I did actually say "Don't be, its crap".

I know what I should say and do just can't be arsed to pander to people who are incompetent.

Guess its that old saying of "Not suffering fools gladly".

Does that make me wrong? In the eyes of HR yes but in the real world?

So at work (at least) I need to try to be more tolerant and understanding of some of the people I work with.

[johnwilliams77]

21TonyK said:

Understand what you are saying but the listening part isn't the problem, its my response. Normally a very short answer.

For example, I should say...

"I appreciate what you are asking and I can see its important to you. But, right now I don't see how your request can be accommodated so unfortunately we'll have to look at how I can incorporate what you need into future plans. I'll let you know as soon as I can help"

At best what I say is... "Sorry, can't help with that right now" and at worst "Sorry, no. Can't do it" Normally followed by me just walking away.

Another example when someone repeatedly does the same thing incorrectly despite being formally trained and coached on the job for several months/years(!) might be "In what world do you think that is acceptable?" and in one particularly memorable example they said "I'm really proud of whats I've done" (which was a complete disaster) I did actually say "Don't be, its crap".

I know what I should say and do just can't be arsed to pander to people who are incompetent.

Guess its that old saying of "Not suffering fools gladly".

Does that make me wrong? In the eyes of HR yes but in the real world?

So at work (at least) I need to try to be more tolerant and understanding of some of the people I work with.

To me the people just need to grow a pair and it sounds like you just get the job done with no nonsense. Great. However, if it's going to result in hassle you need to be particularly careful with women / sensitive guys (gays, id imagine)
If you don't mind losing your job/conversations with HR, crack on.

[bitchstewie]

21TonyK said:

Does that make me wrong? In the eyes of HR yes but in the real world?

The real world is changing.

I used to work with a chap who had a knack of being right most of the time but who was also very blunt and no-nonsense in how went about telling people they were in the wrong.

He's left now but have a guess whether he's remembered as:

• The guy who was always right
• The bell-end

Choose your battles, and HR is a battle you will almost always lose.

[21TonyK]

bhstewie said:

The real world is changing.

I used to work with a chap who had a knack of being right most of the time but who was also very blunt and no-nonsense in how went about telling people they were in the wrong.

He's left now but have a guess whether he's remembered as:

• The guy who was always right
• The bell-end

Choose your battles, and HR is a battle you will almost always lose.

I guess on this one I just need to keep my head down.

As I said the HR I'll just smile at people.

[shep1001]

I got pulled in with one of the lads I work with to see HR for arguing. We were having some light hearted banter and a discussion about some product inventory I had allocated to me rather than his customer. It was along the lines that my customer is more important & probably spills more on the floor than yours buys so naturally your order got blobbed so stop bumping your gums.

We were wetting ourselves, almost to the point of crying but HR were deadly serious, how they kept a straight face I don't know. You see he hadn't reported me, somebody walking past the office had heard us 'arguing' and thought that was not conducive to a good sales environment & morale. No mention about calling each other knob head or the other expletives that might have been used, just we were 'arguing' and its 'all one team' bks.

We had to apologise to each other so HR could go back to our 'accuser' and explain the outcome. They would not tell us who reported us either.

[anonymous-user]

21TonyK said:

I work in a very “caring and gentle” workplace (HR Managers words not mine). Staffing is over 90% female working with young children in a school.

Twice in as many years HR have received a complaint about staff interaction with me. On both occasions the complaint is that I was very abrupt with them and they were upset.

Now, in the real world people have to get on with all sorts at work but I have been asked to consider how I speak to people. Not what I say but how I say it. For example, instead of simply saying “no” try to put it in a gentler way so as not to upset the person asking. On the whole the majority of people I work with have no issue with talking and working with me but a small % are actually scared of me (according to HR).

To me this is a bit ridiculous but I accept that I am very direct and will make myself very clear to people. If people disagree then by all means have a discussion about it but don’t go off crying because someone gave you an answer you don’t like. Best way I can describe myself is like the Martin Clunes character “Doc Martin”. But better looking

I have actually challenged the latest accusation made to HR as the persons recollection of events is incorrect and I do have a witness to support that.

HR’s suggestion was to treat staff as I do the children which would be insulting to the majority.

It’s not nice being perceived as a nasty person and I would be interested to hear ideas how I can improve peoples view of me at work.

Tell them to get stuffed you're the Headteacher

[CharlesdeGaulle]

21TonyK said:

At best what I say is... "Sorry, can't help with that right now" and at worst "Sorry, no. Can't do it" Normally followed by me just walking away.

I have followed this with interest, and have been supportive of your line most of the way, but the comment above indicates behaviour that will invariably be regarded as unacceptable in almost any workplace. Walking off after a 'no' is an aggressive, but rather weak and very rude tactic I always think. I'm in the Forces, so see a very broad spectrum of behaviour(!) but walking away from someone - 'storming off'- would probably see apoplexy, if not violence!

You seem pretty self-aware to me, so if you can cut out the most extreme/worst elements, you should be able to rub along happily with just about everyone.

[227bhp]

Shape up or ship out. You either whistle to their tune or bugger off and do your own thing, which by what you've said is impossible so only the former applies.

Self employment is increasingly popular these days for many good reasons and it's not the money.

[21TonyK]

227bhp said:

Self employment is increasingly popular these days for many good reasons and it's not the money.

And therein lies part of the problem. I have always either been self employed or when employed been pretty much autonomous from management and given free reign to run things as I see fit.

Like I have said, 95% of people are fine with me and me with them. I'm just going to have to be careful not to offend those who are prone to being offended.

Today I'm finishing off a survey I'm going to send to all staff asking for feedback on my department, service levels and staff with the staff bit not obviously but pretty much aimed at me.

Be interesting to see what they have to say!

Edit: Any suggestions or links to similar appreciated.

[truck71]

21TonyK said:

And therein lies part of the problem. I have always either been self employed or when employed been pretty much autonomous from management and given free reign to run things as I see fit.

Like I have said, 95% of people are fine with me and me with them. I'm just going to have to be careful not to offend those who are prone to being offended.

Today I'm finishing off a survey I'm going to send to all staff asking for feedback on my department, service levels and staff with the staff bit not obviously but pretty much aimed at me.

Be interesting to see what they have to say!

Edit: Any suggestions or links to similar appreciated.

I'd encourage feedback for you specifically. A good 360 feedback exercise should involve a series of questions that your colleagues answer but that you also answer. You can then compare the perceptions from your team to those of your own and identify not just the differences and possible development areas but also your qualities. Sometimes we don't know our strengths!

[Piersman2]

21TonyK said:

I guess on this one I just need to keep my head down.

As I said the HR I'll just smile at people.

Like Gordon Brown used to?

[Steve Campbell]

Unless the 360 is anonymous, you might not get candid feedback, especially given the fact that some may find you scarey ;-)

In my old place of work they used an anonymous system, it worked really well. The more feedback the better so choosing a wide audience of team members, peers, bosses, customers etc works well to give you the rounded feedback. In the system it only tagged people as "manager", "team member" or "peer". Clearly the bosses feedback was obvious :-)

You may find that certain personalities engender a particular response from you eg unconsciously (or consciously !!) they get your back up so you deal with them differently...ie more abruptly.

Ensure you choose people to take part in any 360 across the range of colleagues...not just people you like or get on with :-)

...oh....and don't forget to share the full results here so we can all point fingers ;-)

[Foliage]

You catch more flies with honey than vinegar, have to keep telling myself that over and over and over.

Edited by Foliage on Monday 28th November 13:03

[truck71]

Steve Campbell said:

Unless the 360 is anonymous, you might not get candid feedback, especially given the fact that some may find you scarey ;-)

In my old place of work they used an anonymous system, it worked really well. The more feedback the better so choosing a wide audience of team members, peers, bosses, customers etc works well to give you the rounded feedback. In the system it only tagged people as "manager", "team member" or "peer". Clearly the bosses feedback was obvious :-)

You may find that certain personalities engender a particular response from you eg unconsciously (or consciously !!) they get your back up so you deal with them differently...ie more abruptly.

Ensure you choose people to take part in any 360 across the range of colleagues...not just people you like or get on with :-)

...oh....and don't forget to share the full results here so we can all point fingers ;-)

Agree with the above.

[AyBee]

Your post comes across as "People say I'm rude. I'm not rude" - if enough people are saying it, chances are that it's true and you need to take a look at how you're coming across to other people.

[MarshPhantom]

OP, I've never been accused of having an attitude problem at work, you .

I did work with a total prick recently, everybody hated him. Not bad at his job but an absolute tool. Been there ten years, he had a leaving do and only 2 people went. This was not long after I started there and it put me off the company for continuing to employ such a tt.