How to be an un-chef
Discussion
With all the culinary expertise around here I just wanted to present the alternative side - a complete cooking klutz, a man that is to cooking what Gok Wan is to world heavyweight boxing.
The task is to cook rice. How hard can that be?
Here's the un-chef way of doing it.
Open the freezer and take out a frozen Chinese ready meal.
Take a saucepan, add about 1.5" of cold water and place on the hob.
Locate the jar of rice and lightly sprinkle one portion of rice grains into the water.
Consult the instructions on the frozen Chinese ready meal and realise that it already contains a portion of rice.
Say 'Arse' out loud.
Return to the saucepan of rice in cold water. Strain rice through sieve, shake off as much water as possible and place sieve of damp rice in airing cupboard to dry out until needed again.
Wait for 24 hours and replace dried rice into rice jar.
Wait one week.
Open the freezer and discover there's nothing in it you fancy for supper.
Open the cupboard and remove one tin of Stag Silverado Beef (5% fat) Chilli Con Carne. No idea what 'Carne' means but carry on anyway.
Take a saucepan, add about 1.5" of cold water and place on the hob.
Locate the jar of rice and lightly sprinkle one portion of (salvaged) rice grains into the water.
Set hob to '9' and go to watch 'How do they do it' on Channel 5.
Return to kitchen when the sound of boiling water spraying everywhere becomes louder than the TV.
Say 'Arse' out loud.
Wipe up mess and return to saucepan to hob, but at less than '9'. Set hob timer to 10 minutes.
This is a sure-fire way to ensure that your rice will turn out to be a puddingy mush that is impossible to drain. Remarkable.
Is there anything easier to cook please?
The task is to cook rice. How hard can that be?
Here's the un-chef way of doing it.
Open the freezer and take out a frozen Chinese ready meal.
Take a saucepan, add about 1.5" of cold water and place on the hob.
Locate the jar of rice and lightly sprinkle one portion of rice grains into the water.
Consult the instructions on the frozen Chinese ready meal and realise that it already contains a portion of rice.
Say 'Arse' out loud.
Return to the saucepan of rice in cold water. Strain rice through sieve, shake off as much water as possible and place sieve of damp rice in airing cupboard to dry out until needed again.
Wait for 24 hours and replace dried rice into rice jar.
Wait one week.
Open the freezer and discover there's nothing in it you fancy for supper.
Open the cupboard and remove one tin of Stag Silverado Beef (5% fat) Chilli Con Carne. No idea what 'Carne' means but carry on anyway.
Take a saucepan, add about 1.5" of cold water and place on the hob.
Locate the jar of rice and lightly sprinkle one portion of (salvaged) rice grains into the water.
Set hob to '9' and go to watch 'How do they do it' on Channel 5.
Return to kitchen when the sound of boiling water spraying everywhere becomes louder than the TV.
Say 'Arse' out loud.
Wipe up mess and return to saucepan to hob, but at less than '9'. Set hob timer to 10 minutes.
This is a sure-fire way to ensure that your rice will turn out to be a puddingy mush that is impossible to drain. Remarkable.
Is there anything easier to cook please?
If you can handle a microwave (and I assume you can) then get a rice cooker like this
http://www.lakeland.co.uk/stain-proof-microwave-mu...
Rince rice under the tap using the inner basket. Pour in a little water to cover rice and nuke it for 6 mins, give it a stir and nuke it again for 6 mins. If you forget about it then it just steams in its own hot water.
Idiot proof, If I can use one then anyone can.
http://www.lakeland.co.uk/stain-proof-microwave-mu...
Rince rice under the tap using the inner basket. Pour in a little water to cover rice and nuke it for 6 mins, give it a stir and nuke it again for 6 mins. If you forget about it then it just steams in its own hot water.
Idiot proof, If I can use one then anyone can.
escargot said:
Ahhh crap, just realised this is a windup
Sadly, all true - final chapter completed this evening!Whilst it's good to excel at some things, it's also healthy to be a complete spastic at others. I really see no point in labouring for hours to make something that will be eaten. It's not like a classic painting - after all you wouldn't eat 'The Last Supper' would you?
(Mind you if you came to Simpo Hall it might well be your last!)
Cotty said:
If you can handle a microwave (and I assume you can) then get a rice cooker like this
http://www.lakeland.co.uk/stain-proof-microwave-mu...
Rince rice under the tap using the inner basket. Pour in a little water to cover rice and nuke it for 6 mins, give it a stir and nuke it again for 6 mins. If you forget about it then it just steams in its own hot water.
Idiot proof, If I can use one then anyone can.
+1 these are brilliant have had one for a few years now and use it all the time.http://www.lakeland.co.uk/stain-proof-microwave-mu...
Rince rice under the tap using the inner basket. Pour in a little water to cover rice and nuke it for 6 mins, give it a stir and nuke it again for 6 mins. If you forget about it then it just steams in its own hot water.
Idiot proof, If I can use one then anyone can.
Also have a large electric rice cooker but hardly ever use it as these cook rice perfectly every time.
Simpo Two said:
Set hob to '9' and go to watch 'How do they do it' on Channel 5.
Return to kitchen when the sound of boiling water spraying everywhere becomes louder than the TV.
Say 'Arse' out loud.
Wipe up mess and return to saucepan to hob, but at less than '9'. Set hob timer to 10 minutes.
Ah, the induction numbers of mystery.Return to kitchen when the sound of boiling water spraying everywhere becomes louder than the TV.
Say 'Arse' out loud.
Wipe up mess and return to saucepan to hob, but at less than '9'. Set hob timer to 10 minutes.
I know that '1' is slightly less than the rate of global warming (which is nothing or not a lot depending on your view). 'Boost' is induce nuclear fusion in the pan if you look away at all.
There are useful numbers in between I've been told.
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