How to break up with someone
Discussion
Bit of a bad situation but unfortunately I feel my current relationship has run it's course.
No big fights or issues, she is a lovely person, but bluntly, she is too naive for me (it's like being in a relationship with a delicate teenager) and boring. Has no hobbies so has nothing interesting to say, and after 8 months we spend our evenings not talking or with awkward conversation where every attempt to instigate something is met with one word answers.
Annoyingly she is happy to send me essays of text messages but face to face she is too quiet. My friends and family have commented on it, so it's not just me thinking it.
She is the only person I struggle to talk to - I have tried to talk to her about it but it's just her personality is it seems, and who she is. Naturally very quiet and withdrawn.
She lives away from me (by some 120 miles) and we see each other usually alternate weekends.
It's her Birthday this weekend so I will be staying with her and her parents (she lives at home). Obviously I will not break up with her then as this would be asshole-ish.
However after this I would not be seeing her at the earliest until the weekend of the 11th June - too long to have this burden on my shoulders. But due to my car having some work done on it from Monday the 30th I will not be able to drive and I'm certainly not going to use public transport as it's an awful route (you have to go across Central London) and it would be a 6 hour return journey.
To this end due to the above I have very strongly considered explaining my position via Text Message during next week (so after her Birthday) some point - as she seems to be most conversive over this medium, combined with the fact that I can't break up with her over this Birthday weekend, because it's just not nice.
Does anyone have any other suggestions or ideas? Or would this be "OK". I know text is not the nicest thing but from a logistical point of view there is no other way I can see to get the deed done so to speak.
No big fights or issues, she is a lovely person, but bluntly, she is too naive for me (it's like being in a relationship with a delicate teenager) and boring. Has no hobbies so has nothing interesting to say, and after 8 months we spend our evenings not talking or with awkward conversation where every attempt to instigate something is met with one word answers.
Annoyingly she is happy to send me essays of text messages but face to face she is too quiet. My friends and family have commented on it, so it's not just me thinking it.
She is the only person I struggle to talk to - I have tried to talk to her about it but it's just her personality is it seems, and who she is. Naturally very quiet and withdrawn.
She lives away from me (by some 120 miles) and we see each other usually alternate weekends.
It's her Birthday this weekend so I will be staying with her and her parents (she lives at home). Obviously I will not break up with her then as this would be asshole-ish.
However after this I would not be seeing her at the earliest until the weekend of the 11th June - too long to have this burden on my shoulders. But due to my car having some work done on it from Monday the 30th I will not be able to drive and I'm certainly not going to use public transport as it's an awful route (you have to go across Central London) and it would be a 6 hour return journey.
To this end due to the above I have very strongly considered explaining my position via Text Message during next week (so after her Birthday) some point - as she seems to be most conversive over this medium, combined with the fact that I can't break up with her over this Birthday weekend, because it's just not nice.
Does anyone have any other suggestions or ideas? Or would this be "OK". I know text is not the nicest thing but from a logistical point of view there is no other way I can see to get the deed done so to speak.
Edited by xjay1337 on Thursday 26th May 10:12
It's a very hard thing to do. But, you've just got to do it. There's no clever or subtle ways of doing it that mean you don't have to face the music.
You've got to sit her down and explain that you don't feel the relationship has a future. Something along the lines of - While you enjoy it now, you don't see your feelings getting any stronger and that last thing you want is for her time to be wasted on a relationship that won't go anywhere. The worst thing you could do now is sit on these feelings only for the same problem to raise it's head in 5 years time. She deserves better than that.
Don't think about it as you getting out of it. Think of it as setting her free.
Do not get in to a discussion about how she is too quiet and boring etc. Sometimes relationships just don't work out over time.
You've got to sit her down and explain that you don't feel the relationship has a future. Something along the lines of - While you enjoy it now, you don't see your feelings getting any stronger and that last thing you want is for her time to be wasted on a relationship that won't go anywhere. The worst thing you could do now is sit on these feelings only for the same problem to raise it's head in 5 years time. She deserves better than that.
Don't think about it as you getting out of it. Think of it as setting her free.
Do not get in to a discussion about how she is too quiet and boring etc. Sometimes relationships just don't work out over time.
I'm a great believer in doing it in person and not dragging it on, no point wasting your time or hers.
She'll be blindsided and distraught despite you trying to talk about it or she will be on the same boat as you and scared to talk about it because she doesn't want to be alone. It may seem cruel to do it just before her birthday, but its no better to do it just after you've spent a weekend with her and her parents. the game will just roll on.
I'd go early, get it done and leave.
good luck
She'll be blindsided and distraught despite you trying to talk about it or she will be on the same boat as you and scared to talk about it because she doesn't want to be alone. It may seem cruel to do it just before her birthday, but its no better to do it just after you've spent a weekend with her and her parents. the game will just roll on.
I'd go early, get it done and leave.
good luck
popeyewhite said:
She sounds a nightmare. Unless the sex is (truly) exceptional get rid immediately. Life's too short.
Not having any. I completely feel the spark gone and have absolutely no urge to even try.I am defo going to have to end it, I can't see a way around it. But I am not going to break up with her this weekend because it's just horrible to have the birthday ruined. Especially as there's planned meals and stuff.
Like I said she isn't a nightmare or anything, just very dull and uninteresting, and quiet. Which I guess yes can be a bit of a nightmare
I can't remember a single joke or bit of banter or whatever that she's had, we are in our mid 20s. There should be some sort of joy lol. We had been texting daily for nearly 4 years before we met and then decided to try a relationship. That probably was something to with it.Weirdly I am feeling quite indifferent by the whole situation. The thought of not being with her doesn't really effect me but having that conversation is going to be guilt-inducing, and I feel it will be far worse for her than me as she will no doubt be in tears etc.
Edited by xjay1337 on Thursday 26th May 10:27
SHutchinson said:
Do not consider doing it via text message. Be a better person, do it face to face, make the trip to go and see her.
But how? I will not be able to get to see her. My car will be having work done on it for 2 weeks.Weekdays I am working, so it's not possible to get there and back in a reasonable time (assuming trains run it would be 3am by the time I got back home assuming an hour of talking - and the one weekend in between I am already busy unfortunately. The 230 ish mile round trip is too long to cycle or anything as well.
The next time I would see her would be when she comes from London, where she works, to see me. And it's not fair on her to have her come to visit only to be told she's dumped either at the start or at the end of the weekend.
xjay1337 said:
SHutchinson said:
Do not consider doing it via text message. Be a better person, do it face to face, make the trip to go and see her.
But how? I will not be able to get to see her. Weekdays I am working so it's not possible to get there and back in a reasonable time - and the one weekend in between I am already busy unfortunately. The next time I would see her would be when she comes from London where she works to see me. And it's not fair on her to have her come to visit only to be told she's dumped either at the start or at the end of the weekend.
xjay1337 said:
popeyewhite said:
She sounds a nightmare. Unless the sex is (truly) exceptional get rid immediately. Life's too short.
Not having any. I completely feel the spark gone and have absolutely no urge to even try.I am defo going to have to end it, I can't see a way around it. But I am not going to break up with her this weekend because it's just horrible to have the birthday ruined. Especially as there's planned meals and stuff.
Like I said she isn't a nightmare or anything, just very dull and uninteresting, and quiet. I can't remember a single joke or bit of banter or whatever that she's had, we are in our mid 20s. There should be some sort of joy lol. We had been texting daily for nearly 4 years before we met and then decided to try a relationship. That probably was something to with it.
Weirdly I am feeling quite indifferent by the whole situation. The thought of not being with her doesn't really effect me but having that conversation is going to be guilt-inducing, and I feel it will be far worse for her than me as she will no doubt be in tears etc.
Long distance is a struggle
4 years of talk to me says you've had the honeymoon period before you started the relationship.
Ask yourself this, right now how do you think she is feeling?
I always used to get the same feeling as you guilt. Forcing someone to talk about it isn't pleasent. They didn't like it at the time but i always said i was blunt and wouldn't continue to waste our time. All my proper ex's are now married and have kids so it worked out for them in end.
Given you're such a long way from home, once the job is done and you drive off, go to a mcdonalds or something and call a trusted friend and have a chat to clear your head before driving back.
Edit: All this talk of fair, you're only conning yourself there is no good way to break up when you don't come to the decision together. Fair is making your intentions known early and not keeping the poor woman on the the end of the noose.
Took one of my friends a year to do end a relationship because they were living together and it would leave her now ex homeless. You have it much easier than this!
4 years of talk to me says you've had the honeymoon period before you started the relationship.
Ask yourself this, right now how do you think she is feeling?
I always used to get the same feeling as you guilt. Forcing someone to talk about it isn't pleasent. They didn't like it at the time but i always said i was blunt and wouldn't continue to waste our time. All my proper ex's are now married and have kids so it worked out for them in end.
Given you're such a long way from home, once the job is done and you drive off, go to a mcdonalds or something and call a trusted friend and have a chat to clear your head before driving back.
Edit: All this talk of fair, you're only conning yourself there is no good way to break up when you don't come to the decision together. Fair is making your intentions known early and not keeping the poor woman on the the end of the noose.
Took one of my friends a year to do end a relationship because they were living together and it would leave her now ex homeless. You have it much easier than this!
Edited by andburg on Thursday 26th May 10:35
No, we never talk on the phone. Only text. Only time we would call each other is if we're meeting somewhere and it's a case of "I'm here, where are you?"
That would work but my relationship status isn't on Facebook. :-(
As brutal and effective as that may be I don't want to broadcast it to my closest friends. I have a lot of gossipers.
944fan said:
Change you Facebook status to single and up for it. She will get the message.
That would work but my relationship status isn't on Facebook. :-(
As brutal and effective as that may be I don't want to broadcast it to my closest friends. I have a lot of gossipers.
xjay1337 said:
Not having any. I completely feel the spark gone and have absolutely no urge to even try.
I am defo going to have to end it, I can't see a way around it. But I am not going to break up with her this weekend because it's just horrible to have the birthday ruined. Especially as there's planned meals and stuff.
Like I said she isn't a nightmare or anything, just very dull and uninteresting, and quiet. Which I guess yes can be a bit of a nightmareI can't remember a single joke or bit of banter or whatever that she's had, we are in our mid 20s. There should be some sort of joy lol. We had been texting daily for nearly 4 years before we met and then decided to try a relationship. That probably was something to with it.
Take this the right way but it sounds more like she/you didn't want to be alone rather than there was ever a real spark.I am defo going to have to end it, I can't see a way around it. But I am not going to break up with her this weekend because it's just horrible to have the birthday ruined. Especially as there's planned meals and stuff.
Like I said she isn't a nightmare or anything, just very dull and uninteresting, and quiet. Which I guess yes can be a bit of a nightmare
I can't remember a single joke or bit of banter or whatever that she's had, we are in our mid 20s. There should be some sort of joy lol. We had been texting daily for nearly 4 years before we met and then decided to try a relationship. That probably was something to with it.xjay1337 said:
No, we never talk on the phone. Only text. Only time we would call each other is if we're meeting somewhere and it's a case of "I'm here, where are you?"
Whut?? You live 120 miles apart and you never speak on the phone? You only communicate by text?Err, I'm sure your pen-pal with benefits won't take it too hard!!
Options
1) Go and see her. Birthday or not. Finish it face to face. You would be a bit of a nob to see her, pretend all is fine, sleep with her and then dump her.
2) Go and see her, for her birthday. But make your excuses part way through and go home. Then see her again the week after and say it's not working, etc
3) Don't go to her party. White lie and say you are sick and don't want to give her the lurgy on her birthday. See her the week after in person to finish it - or write to her in a letter as you don't talk (not text).
1) Go and see her. Birthday or not. Finish it face to face. You would be a bit of a nob to see her, pretend all is fine, sleep with her and then dump her.
2) Go and see her, for her birthday. But make your excuses part way through and go home. Then see her again the week after and say it's not working, etc
3) Don't go to her party. White lie and say you are sick and don't want to give her the lurgy on her birthday. See her the week after in person to finish it - or write to her in a letter as you don't talk (not text).
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