"Hello, is that the Daily Mail Pseudo-Pious Gossip Desk? Great, just wanted to let you know that Aliona...Aliona, her off of Strictly...yes the ginner one.... will be going for some skimpy exercise in the middle of the park at 2pm. She'll be doing a wide variety of stretches and strange poses...What? Oh, err, yes, with a sweaty gusset, if you like.

There will also be a very odd little jog. She'll look in your direction a lot so your readers can see who she is, but she won't look right at you because that would make this disappointing charade too obvious even for your third-gin-of-the-morning readers. Triffic, see you there luvvy."

Do any of us look like we care?

You mean the pair of average baps? No, doesn't make up for the bloke in a wig look TBH.