Ed Miliband writes a script for EastEnders
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Cracking stuff from Sketch writer Michael Deacon
Miliband's putative script said:
THE QUEEN VIC
LINDA CARTER is behind the bar. Enter PHIL MITCHELL.
LINDA: All right, Phil, what can I get you?
PHIL: Now, look. What I would say to you is this. There isn’t a simple answer to that issue. But I do want to make this point, because it’s an incredibly important point for the everyday working people of Albert Square. And the point is this. I would like a pint of lager, please.
LINDA: You all right, Phil?
PHIL: Let’s be very clear about this, Linda, because I know the everyday working people of Albert Square will want an answer to that question. The reality is this. I caught some geezer in bed with the missus.
LINDA: You what? Some geezer in bed with Sharon? What did you do to ’im?
PHIL: Linda, I want to be honest with you, because when I talk to ordinary families up and down Walford I get a very deep sense that they’ve had enough of this Tory-led Government’s lies about geezers in bed with the missus. So what I said to the geezer was this. I said: “Now, look, geezer. Let’s be very clear about this. I’ve got to say to you: 'Sling your hook.’ And I make no apology for that. Because I think that’s the right thing to do.”
LINDA: What did Sharon say?
PHIL: Linda, if what you’re asking me is, “What did Sharon say?”, then I can answer that very directly. She said to me, “Phil!” But I’m afraid I had to stop her there, because I wanted to make an incredibly important point.
LINDA: What?
PHIL: Linda, the point I made to her was this. It was: “Look, Sharon. I’ll come to the detail of this in a minute. But first of all I want to respectfully ask you to shut it, you slag.” And I think she understood the point I was making, because in Albert Square today there is a huge issue around slags needing to shut it. Under this Tory-led Government, the number of slags needing to shut it has risen by over 63 per cent. And I think David Cameron has to start listening to what ordinary families are telling us. Because what ordinary families are telling us is that they want you to shut it, you slag.
Enter MICK CARTER.
MICK: ’Ere! Phil! Did you just call me a slag and tell me to shut it?
PHIL: Look, Mick, the way I see it is this. I don’t think we should shy away from saying that you are a slag and telling you to shut it. But what I would also say to you is this. Leave it, you tart.
MICK: Right. Outside. Now.
PHIL: Mick, I think the very real challenge for this country over the course of the next five minutes is to punch your lights out. And that challenge is profoundly oriented towards need. You slag.
Credits...
LINDA CARTER is behind the bar. Enter PHIL MITCHELL.
LINDA: All right, Phil, what can I get you?
PHIL: Now, look. What I would say to you is this. There isn’t a simple answer to that issue. But I do want to make this point, because it’s an incredibly important point for the everyday working people of Albert Square. And the point is this. I would like a pint of lager, please.
LINDA: You all right, Phil?
PHIL: Let’s be very clear about this, Linda, because I know the everyday working people of Albert Square will want an answer to that question. The reality is this. I caught some geezer in bed with the missus.
LINDA: You what? Some geezer in bed with Sharon? What did you do to ’im?
PHIL: Linda, I want to be honest with you, because when I talk to ordinary families up and down Walford I get a very deep sense that they’ve had enough of this Tory-led Government’s lies about geezers in bed with the missus. So what I said to the geezer was this. I said: “Now, look, geezer. Let’s be very clear about this. I’ve got to say to you: 'Sling your hook.’ And I make no apology for that. Because I think that’s the right thing to do.”
LINDA: What did Sharon say?
PHIL: Linda, if what you’re asking me is, “What did Sharon say?”, then I can answer that very directly. She said to me, “Phil!” But I’m afraid I had to stop her there, because I wanted to make an incredibly important point.
LINDA: What?
PHIL: Linda, the point I made to her was this. It was: “Look, Sharon. I’ll come to the detail of this in a minute. But first of all I want to respectfully ask you to shut it, you slag.” And I think she understood the point I was making, because in Albert Square today there is a huge issue around slags needing to shut it. Under this Tory-led Government, the number of slags needing to shut it has risen by over 63 per cent. And I think David Cameron has to start listening to what ordinary families are telling us. Because what ordinary families are telling us is that they want you to shut it, you slag.
Enter MICK CARTER.
MICK: ’Ere! Phil! Did you just call me a slag and tell me to shut it?
PHIL: Look, Mick, the way I see it is this. I don’t think we should shy away from saying that you are a slag and telling you to shut it. But what I would also say to you is this. Leave it, you tart.
MICK: Right. Outside. Now.
PHIL: Mick, I think the very real challenge for this country over the course of the next five minutes is to punch your lights out. And that challenge is profoundly oriented towards need. You slag.
Credits...
There's something ironic about a programme that tried to make the case that it is illegal or at least socially unacceptable for cousins to marry when the center of proceedings is a pub called the Queen Victoria.
Which probably resulted from a cross party survey,led by the Libdems,which said that they could cut the NHS budget by 0.0000001% by removal of the possible 0.0000001% increase in the possibility of resulting birth defects.While at the same time expressing regret that the whole female cast weren't all playing the part of Lesbians.Which would have saved the government all the trouble of effectively having to edit the story line on Political grounds.
Which probably resulted from a cross party survey,led by the Libdems,which said that they could cut the NHS budget by 0.0000001% by removal of the possible 0.0000001% increase in the possibility of resulting birth defects.While at the same time expressing regret that the whole female cast weren't all playing the part of Lesbians.Which would have saved the government all the trouble of effectively having to edit the story line on Political grounds.
Edited by XJ Flyer on Sunday 19th October 02:26
Brigand said:
That script sounds like a typical politician interview - Lots of long, meandering answers to very simple, direct questions with no discernible conclusion.
Somebody finally gets it. If you have the misfortune of having to listen to Miliband being questioned it's bang on his meandering use a million words but say little style. 
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