Emotional eating and being unlucky in life?
Discussion
I'll get straight to the point,i've always had a weight problem from my childhood right up to now. Having been through a really rough past 2 years, getting therapy and posting on here about changing my life, the strand that runs through it all is eating to feel happy but then failing miserably!
Some backstory:
Born in the New Forest and lived there till i was 18. Dad was an ex army officer in ' special operations' ( he never fully explained that), who had lost all his family ( except his mum) during WW2, and saw his own dad commit suicide when he was 10! At 18 he was kicked out by his mum and went off to create his own life. My mum was an only child. Fast forward and i arrive in 1967 followed by my sister 2 years later. Nothing unusual there except my dad put me in the local comprehensive to ' toughen up and learn how life kicks crap out of you everyday'. What followed was 5 years of bullying ( i was v.stocky and wore glasses) with daily punch ups/humiliations and the PE teacher physically hitting me, pushing my head down the toilet and forcing me to complete extra laps of the playing field for being last every time, watched by all my laughing class mates. I complained to my dad who replied ' a man never shows his emotions, never moans or complains or cries. Endure it and you'll be a man tomorrow'. My mum cleaned the blood and fed me delicious home cooked meals ( cakes etc). I put on weight so took up swimming, lost weight and swam competitively for the local swimming club ( the school PE teacher never selected me for the school team). I even tried out for the south of England championship ( my dad never congratulated me, just told me to improve).
I loved reading and spent hours devouring Jules Verne/HG Wells/Alistair Maclean etc to escape from the daily hell i was enduring. I hated all my lessons, was called stupid and thick by my teachers ( back in those days a teacher could get away with virtually anything! ) I wrote short stories and funny poems at night in my bed by torchlight,but my dad just ripped them up and told me that 'a man earns a living with with science not by living in a fantasy world'. My dad could have gone to Cambridge but lack of money meant Manchester where he was the top student in maths/physics. He then had a successful military career before becoming an engineering specialist for airline companies.
My English teacher only wanted poetry or literature in her creative writing lessons, so my dozens of short stories depicting fantasy worlds/swashbuckling historical adventures/ sci-fi were routinely held up for ridicule!!! I read all the books on the years curriculum at home and did nothing in class. I borrowed tons of history books from the local public library, 'borrowed' books from the school library, nicked books from a local second hand book shop and wasted my time in class!
At 18 i left for uni down in Devon where i enjoyed 3 years of freedom and love. I lost weight by playing rugby and enjoying life. However, tragedy struck on my girl friend's 21st birthday when i drove her to a country spot to propose to her ( ( we were together for 3 years) and a drunk driver jumped some lights and hit the vehicle. I survived, she didn't. My dad offered no sympathy simply telling me ' you're still alive so forget what's happened and get on with your life!' My solution was 6 months of drunken nights and eating all the crap i could stuff into my mouth!
After leaving uni i worked in sales/marketing for a few years and lost weight but then tragedy struck again on the 31st December 1991 at midnight when my mum died of leukemia. She was hospitalized on boxing day and my dad refused to let me see her in hospital until the 31st. In fact the hospital called us at 11.30pm saying my mum's condition had suddenly changed but when we got to the hospital at midnight ( with nurses celebrating New Year in the corridor's!) the doctor told us we had arrived 5 minutes too late!!!
The result was 2 years of drinking/over eating with my dad saying ' life's like that. get over it and start again'.
I taught at a really tough secondary school in Portsmouth where i wanted to make a difference and help the kids, especially those who were being bullied. I was turned down for successive assistant head of year jobs and head of history due to my face not fitting( i caught a head of year with her lover, a fellow teacher, in a classroom!). I met my future French wife there and we decided to get married in 1997. I applied for 2 head of history posts in Brighton and Southampton but got no response so handed in my notice and left for France. The school in Southampton had in fact offered me the post but the letter was sent out late by the new secretary to the address i had just vacated to move to France!
Onto a new life in France and i apply for and get a job teaching in an international school in Clermont-Ferrand ( my wife's home town) and my wife got her teaching posting at an excellent school there as well. We decided to buy a house and found a lovely 4 bed house in the local countryside and got a mortgage. Bad luck struck when 24h before the start of the new school year the rectorat ( local education authority) contacted my wife to tell her that they'd made an administrative error confusing her name with another teacher's, and in fact she was being posted to a school in Paris!!!!
A new life in suburban Paris began with all the stress ( i put on 2 stone in my first 2 years there). I gradually climbed up from temporary jobs to a full time job at an international sixth form. I lost all the excess weight. Then in 2004 i applied for a job at a school closer to home. On the day of the job interview i decided to drop off my 6 year old son at his school on the way. Bad luck, i got knocked down by a speeding driver outside the school on the pelican crossing and was thrown 10 meters. The firemen resuscitated me( in front of my son who witnessed it) and then what followed was 12 months of hospitalization and re education. I was sacked by my employer 1 week after the accident ( they refused to respect my job contract). What followed was 2 years of administrative hell, negotiating with insurance companies and being treated like crap by the in-laws ( the mother in law hated me!!). Guess what i put on weight!
I did what my dad told me to do and got back on my feet ( literally i had to learn to walk again after 30+ fractures) found another job. 12 years down the line and daily 90 mile commutes, 2 children educated at this private international school, 100% pass rate for my students every year, and successive pay cuts ( the equivalent of £400 net per month), and the final straw getting divorced in 2015. There was 2 years of lawyers, paperwork, meetings, and huge emotional suffering. No prizes for guessing, i put on 2 stone. The ex got the house ( with the in laws help), i got to see my kids everyday ( taking them to the school where i teach), and i fought everyone to uphold my rights. My dad's response to my situation was,
' i told you back in 1997 that giving up your career in England was a mistake, you didn't listen to me, you moved to France so your on your own.'
So that brings me right up to date. No friends, no family, no social life, just being there for my 2 children.
Aged 49, height 5' 11 '', weight 205 lbs. I don't drink alcohol/sodas/fizzy drinks/ don't smoke but i can't shift the weight. I've cut out all pizzas, pasta, tarts, biscuits, cakes and sugar in my diet. I've joined a gym and work out there 2-3 times a week with a mixture of cardio/weights but the weight keeps piling on!!! I cycle 2 hours every Sunday ( weather permitting) around the local forests and that helps to clear my head a bit, until i go back to work every Monday morning!
Every day i feel like chucking everything in and moving back to England. My son is going to university in Paris in September but my daughter is only 13 and loves going to the school where i teach ( 90 mile round trip).
I feel totally stuck here with only the thought of my daughter getting an excellent education like her brother, keeping me from resigning from my job. I've applied to other private schools in the Paris area but all they can offer is lower pay and no place for my daughter.
Whenever i feel angry/depressed and like crap i have the reflex of reaching for the cheese/biscuits/cakes etc. A lifetime of emotional knocks has led to a lifetime of emotional eating and my current situation is making it difficult to break the habit. One day i'm up at 6 full of energy and the next i can't even get out of bed. I force myself to make lists of things to do, short term goals to aim for, with all the time the nagging thoughts that somewhere along the way i've messed up things.
Thanks for reading this post right to the end and apologies if it got a bit boring in places.
Some backstory:
Born in the New Forest and lived there till i was 18. Dad was an ex army officer in ' special operations' ( he never fully explained that), who had lost all his family ( except his mum) during WW2, and saw his own dad commit suicide when he was 10! At 18 he was kicked out by his mum and went off to create his own life. My mum was an only child. Fast forward and i arrive in 1967 followed by my sister 2 years later. Nothing unusual there except my dad put me in the local comprehensive to ' toughen up and learn how life kicks crap out of you everyday'. What followed was 5 years of bullying ( i was v.stocky and wore glasses) with daily punch ups/humiliations and the PE teacher physically hitting me, pushing my head down the toilet and forcing me to complete extra laps of the playing field for being last every time, watched by all my laughing class mates. I complained to my dad who replied ' a man never shows his emotions, never moans or complains or cries. Endure it and you'll be a man tomorrow'. My mum cleaned the blood and fed me delicious home cooked meals ( cakes etc). I put on weight so took up swimming, lost weight and swam competitively for the local swimming club ( the school PE teacher never selected me for the school team). I even tried out for the south of England championship ( my dad never congratulated me, just told me to improve).
I loved reading and spent hours devouring Jules Verne/HG Wells/Alistair Maclean etc to escape from the daily hell i was enduring. I hated all my lessons, was called stupid and thick by my teachers ( back in those days a teacher could get away with virtually anything! ) I wrote short stories and funny poems at night in my bed by torchlight,but my dad just ripped them up and told me that 'a man earns a living with with science not by living in a fantasy world'. My dad could have gone to Cambridge but lack of money meant Manchester where he was the top student in maths/physics. He then had a successful military career before becoming an engineering specialist for airline companies.
My English teacher only wanted poetry or literature in her creative writing lessons, so my dozens of short stories depicting fantasy worlds/swashbuckling historical adventures/ sci-fi were routinely held up for ridicule!!! I read all the books on the years curriculum at home and did nothing in class. I borrowed tons of history books from the local public library, 'borrowed' books from the school library, nicked books from a local second hand book shop and wasted my time in class!
At 18 i left for uni down in Devon where i enjoyed 3 years of freedom and love. I lost weight by playing rugby and enjoying life. However, tragedy struck on my girl friend's 21st birthday when i drove her to a country spot to propose to her ( ( we were together for 3 years) and a drunk driver jumped some lights and hit the vehicle. I survived, she didn't. My dad offered no sympathy simply telling me ' you're still alive so forget what's happened and get on with your life!' My solution was 6 months of drunken nights and eating all the crap i could stuff into my mouth!
After leaving uni i worked in sales/marketing for a few years and lost weight but then tragedy struck again on the 31st December 1991 at midnight when my mum died of leukemia. She was hospitalized on boxing day and my dad refused to let me see her in hospital until the 31st. In fact the hospital called us at 11.30pm saying my mum's condition had suddenly changed but when we got to the hospital at midnight ( with nurses celebrating New Year in the corridor's!) the doctor told us we had arrived 5 minutes too late!!!
The result was 2 years of drinking/over eating with my dad saying ' life's like that. get over it and start again'.
I taught at a really tough secondary school in Portsmouth where i wanted to make a difference and help the kids, especially those who were being bullied. I was turned down for successive assistant head of year jobs and head of history due to my face not fitting( i caught a head of year with her lover, a fellow teacher, in a classroom!). I met my future French wife there and we decided to get married in 1997. I applied for 2 head of history posts in Brighton and Southampton but got no response so handed in my notice and left for France. The school in Southampton had in fact offered me the post but the letter was sent out late by the new secretary to the address i had just vacated to move to France!
Onto a new life in France and i apply for and get a job teaching in an international school in Clermont-Ferrand ( my wife's home town) and my wife got her teaching posting at an excellent school there as well. We decided to buy a house and found a lovely 4 bed house in the local countryside and got a mortgage. Bad luck struck when 24h before the start of the new school year the rectorat ( local education authority) contacted my wife to tell her that they'd made an administrative error confusing her name with another teacher's, and in fact she was being posted to a school in Paris!!!!
A new life in suburban Paris began with all the stress ( i put on 2 stone in my first 2 years there). I gradually climbed up from temporary jobs to a full time job at an international sixth form. I lost all the excess weight. Then in 2004 i applied for a job at a school closer to home. On the day of the job interview i decided to drop off my 6 year old son at his school on the way. Bad luck, i got knocked down by a speeding driver outside the school on the pelican crossing and was thrown 10 meters. The firemen resuscitated me( in front of my son who witnessed it) and then what followed was 12 months of hospitalization and re education. I was sacked by my employer 1 week after the accident ( they refused to respect my job contract). What followed was 2 years of administrative hell, negotiating with insurance companies and being treated like crap by the in-laws ( the mother in law hated me!!). Guess what i put on weight!
I did what my dad told me to do and got back on my feet ( literally i had to learn to walk again after 30+ fractures) found another job. 12 years down the line and daily 90 mile commutes, 2 children educated at this private international school, 100% pass rate for my students every year, and successive pay cuts ( the equivalent of £400 net per month), and the final straw getting divorced in 2015. There was 2 years of lawyers, paperwork, meetings, and huge emotional suffering. No prizes for guessing, i put on 2 stone. The ex got the house ( with the in laws help), i got to see my kids everyday ( taking them to the school where i teach), and i fought everyone to uphold my rights. My dad's response to my situation was,
' i told you back in 1997 that giving up your career in England was a mistake, you didn't listen to me, you moved to France so your on your own.'
So that brings me right up to date. No friends, no family, no social life, just being there for my 2 children.
Aged 49, height 5' 11 '', weight 205 lbs. I don't drink alcohol/sodas/fizzy drinks/ don't smoke but i can't shift the weight. I've cut out all pizzas, pasta, tarts, biscuits, cakes and sugar in my diet. I've joined a gym and work out there 2-3 times a week with a mixture of cardio/weights but the weight keeps piling on!!! I cycle 2 hours every Sunday ( weather permitting) around the local forests and that helps to clear my head a bit, until i go back to work every Monday morning!
Every day i feel like chucking everything in and moving back to England. My son is going to university in Paris in September but my daughter is only 13 and loves going to the school where i teach ( 90 mile round trip).
I feel totally stuck here with only the thought of my daughter getting an excellent education like her brother, keeping me from resigning from my job. I've applied to other private schools in the Paris area but all they can offer is lower pay and no place for my daughter.
Whenever i feel angry/depressed and like crap i have the reflex of reaching for the cheese/biscuits/cakes etc. A lifetime of emotional knocks has led to a lifetime of emotional eating and my current situation is making it difficult to break the habit. One day i'm up at 6 full of energy and the next i can't even get out of bed. I force myself to make lists of things to do, short term goals to aim for, with all the time the nagging thoughts that somewhere along the way i've messed up things.
Thanks for reading this post right to the end and apologies if it got a bit boring in places.
Edited by rosbif77 on Wednesday 3rd August 18:02
Edited by rosbif77 on Wednesday 3rd August 18:16
Don't try to work it off. It won't work. More exercise will just make you more hungry. Look first at what you eat, and then how much you eat. Alcohol, obvious sugar, and then less obvious sugars (i.e. carbs) are the most likely culprits.
I can't advise on the country of residence side - you've got constraints and you've got to try to balance/juggle/fight them. It sucks, but what you really want isn't on offer and you've still got to choose.
Your dad sounds like a right
. I'd not bother contacting him again, frankly.
I can't advise on the country of residence side - you've got constraints and you've got to try to balance/juggle/fight them. It sucks, but what you really want isn't on offer and you've still got to choose.
Your dad sounds like a right
. I'd not bother contacting him again, frankly.grumbledoak said:
Don't try to work it off. It won't work. More exercise will just make you more hungry. Look first at what you eat, and then how much you eat. Alcohol, obvious sugar, and then less obvious sugars (i.e. carbs) are the most likely culprits.
I can't advise on the country of residence side - you've got constraints and you've got to try to balance/juggle/fight them. It sucks, but what you really want isn't on offer and you've still got to choose.
Your dad sounds like a right. I'd not bother contacting him again, frankly.
Working it off works for me I can't advise on the country of residence side - you've got constraints and you've got to try to balance/juggle/fight them. It sucks, but what you really want isn't on offer and you've still got to choose.
Your dad sounds like a right
. I'd not bother contacting him again, frankly.
grumbledoak said:
Don't try to work it off. It won't work. More exercise will just make you more hungry. Look first at what you eat, and then how much you eat. Alcohol, obvious sugar, and then less obvious sugars (i.e. carbs) are the most likely culprits.
I can't advise on the country of residence side - you've got constraints and you've got to try to balance/juggle/fight them. It sucks, but what you really want isn't on offer and you've still got to choose.
Your dad sounds like a right. I'd not bother contacting him again, frankly.
I check all the food labels when i do my weekly food shopping and it's quite frightening the amount of sugar they put into 'harmless stuff' these days. To live sugar free you have to buy everything fresh and cook for hours.I can't advise on the country of residence side - you've got constraints and you've got to try to balance/juggle/fight them. It sucks, but what you really want isn't on offer and you've still got to choose.
Your dad sounds like a right
. I'd not bother contacting him again, frankly.
rosbif77 said:
I check all the food labels when i do my weekly food shopping and it's quite frightening the amount of sugar they put into 'harmless stuff' these days. To live sugar free you have to buy everything fresh and cook for hours.
Absolute nonsensePork and kale
Spinach and turkey
Chicken and spinach
Salmon and asparagus
Or any mix of above
Little sugar.
rosbif77 said:
I check all the food labels when i do my weekly food shopping and it's quite frightening the amount of sugar they put into 'harmless stuff' these days. To live sugar free you have to buy everything fresh and cook for hours.
I really think you are depressed and should seek help for that.Then the other issues in your life might be easier to face.
Edited by anonymous-user on Wednesday 3rd August 20:56
grumbledoak said:
Don't try to work it off. It won't work. More exercise will just make you more hungry. Look first at what you eat, and then how much you eat. Alcohol, obvious sugar, and then less obvious sugars (i.e. carbs) are the most likely culprits.
I can't advise on the country of residence side - you've got constraints and you've got to try to balance/juggle/fight them. It sucks, but what you really want isn't on offer and you've still got to choose.
Your dad sounds like a right. I'd not bother contacting him again, frankly.
What i really want is to start a new life back in Britain and still see my children.I can't advise on the country of residence side - you've got constraints and you've got to try to balance/juggle/fight them. It sucks, but what you really want isn't on offer and you've still got to choose.
Your dad sounds like a right
. I'd not bother contacting him again, frankly.If you read through my lifestory above there's always been something that goes wrong just when life was getting better for me. I don't know if it's a question of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, sheer bad luck or something else, but whatever it is i must be jinxed!
All that suffering and lack of love/support during the bad times led me to confort eat to ease the pain. It's been a continual vicious circle;when you see yourself in the mirror after binge drinking or gorging on sugary stuff you feel so down you just wanna reach for another bottle/cake!
Has anyone on here been through a similar situation and if so how did they get out of it?
No comments about 'manning up or tough or out' because that's all i got from my dad and it didn't stop another disaster from happening!
All that suffering and lack of love/support during the bad times led me to confort eat to ease the pain. It's been a continual vicious circle;when you see yourself in the mirror after binge drinking or gorging on sugary stuff you feel so down you just wanna reach for another bottle/cake!
Has anyone on here been through a similar situation and if so how did they get out of it?
No comments about 'manning up or tough or out' because that's all i got from my dad and it didn't stop another disaster from happening!
rosbif77 said:
So that brings me right up to date. No friends, no family, no social life, just being there for my 2 children.
Aged 49, height 5' 11 '', weight 205 lbs. I don't drink alcohol/sodas/fizzy drinks/ don't smoke but i can't shift the weight.
If you're doing all that exercise, (genuinely) eating right and still not dropping weight, see a doctor.
It may be that you're building muscle instead of fat. Have you seen a PT?
Agree with others regarding depression - talk to your doc about that aswell.
Muzzer79 said:
rosbif77 said:
So that brings me right up to date. No friends, no family, no social life, just being there for my 2 children.
Aged 49, height 5' 11 '', weight 205 lbs. I don't drink alcohol/sodas/fizzy drinks/ don't smoke but i can't shift the weight.
If you're doing all that exercise, (genuinely) eating right and still not dropping weight, see a doctor.
It may be that you're building muscle instead of fat. Have you seen a PT?
Agree with others regarding depression - talk to your doc about that aswell.
I know i've got fatter round the middle because my jeans are too tight. My arme are more pumped up but the belly's expanded as well!!!!
Edited by rosbif77 on Thursday 4th August 20:44
desolate said:
at the risk of repeating myself - have you discounted depression?
The reason I ask is that the people I know with life stories like yours are either depressed or alcoholics.
My GP diagnosed severe depression due to getting divorced, losing all my in laws/friends, then successive pay cuts. I've had therapy with three different specialists and been taking sleeping pills, doing relaxation exercises, and joined a couple of local clubs.The reason I ask is that the people I know with life stories like yours are either depressed or alcoholics.
rosbif77 said:
My GP diagnosed severe depression due to getting divorced, losing all my in laws/friends, then successive pay cuts. I've had therapy with three different specialists and been taking sleeping pills, doing relaxation exercises, and joined a couple of local clubs.
In my opinion, based only on interaction with others and having no medical training, this is the route of your problem.I'd continue seeking help until you find a therapist/doctor that works for you - once you have tackled the depression you may well find that the other issues seem much more manageable.
desolate said:
rosbif77 said:
My GP diagnosed severe depression due to getting divorced, losing all my in laws/friends, then successive pay cuts. I've had therapy with three different specialists and been taking sleeping pills, doing relaxation exercises, and joined a couple of local clubs.
In my opinion, based only on interaction with others and having no medical training, this is the route of your problem.I'd continue seeking help until you find a therapist/doctor that works for you - once you have tackled the depression you may well find that the other issues seem much more manageable.
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