On £25k but 'poor'?! Misery thread...
Discussion
C.A.R. said:
Trashbat - I hear what you're saying and I know that you're right, but when I'm physically and emotionally exhausted I'd struggle to cook a meal. We have the upstairs bedroom and my daughters bedroom, everywhere else in the house (quite rightly) is shared with my folks. They (try to) go out at least twice a week to give us a free house, but this is where it becomes even more of a sob-story. My mother (I may have mentioned already) has MS and is completely unable to move. My dad (probably as a direct result) has bouts of depression and works hard all through the week, so they are often both too exhausted to go out at all. Often we don't get any time to ourselves so no opportunity has arisen to try and be romantic or spontaneous.
I hear you - you have my sympathies. All I can say is while it may block off a few possibilities, there are plenty more still open. You can think up your relevant social options much better than I, but if it were me I'd be looking at local FB groups, Meetup etc, seeing what I could get involved in that took me out of the house for hardly any expenditure, as well as using whatever assets I already had (anything from bikes to your own feet!) to get out and do stuff that doesn't cost money. A lot of that stuff may involve stepping out of your comfort zone but give it a go, both of you.I agree that your lack of agreed plan is a problem, but it's not just communicating it. You both have to own it and help each other achieve it, and if it's not realistic then you change it together.
The next bit is much more subjective but I would also say don't be fooled into comparing the apples and oranges of your peers in different situations, or into chasing what others have - in this case, home ownership. If it's right for you and realistically achievable then so be it, but you're not a failure if you don't achieve it or even want it. Swings and roundabouts sometimes, but better to tread water renting than over-extend yourself and sink trying to buy.
Have you thought about seeking external, professional advice? I don't know much other than therapy options, which I'm not suggesting for you, but e.g. free financial planning might give you a sanity check on your plans better than the distant observers of the internet can.
C.A.R. said:
My Mrs does want to expand the family - as do I - but the difference is that I want a secure foundation for that to happen, whereas she is more of a 'do it and see' or 'we'll cope' kind of mindset. We 'coped' with our daughter but neither of us will admit it was easy and it certainly wasn't the rosy start to parenthood I wanted for our family. We did manage to 'piggyback' a holiday last year with my parents, but it was at the cost of delaying an electricity bill and a £500 hand-out from her dad. We spent the lot and we were budgeting! This year we have put any thoughts of a holiday firmly on hold (well, I have...).
MauiJim - I completely agree. I'm being too discrete, too secretive and not sharing my ideas and aspirations for our family with my other half. I think I'm mostly to blame because I'm trying to protect her from the truth - that it's not pretty and the following months are going to be difficult. It's far from over, I know that - but I don't think she fully appreciates it. She absolutely flew off the handle yesterday when I announced that we are still 3 payslips from being 'debt free' - she thought it would all be over by July (as per our original plan).
The main problem is that we don't have a 'plan' in place. We might go back to privately renting, we might save for a deposit. There's no "we're doing this" and there's no target as a result, so all she sees is misery. At the moment she regrets moving out altogether because our quality of life has taken a nosedive (from her perspective) and we don't have our own space. We were (to her) 'better off' when we were privately renting, living hand-to-mouth. And she's right, but there's no way I would have shifted the £4k of debt without taking these measures.
The problem is with our friends / peers. Most of the people we grew up with have gone down the following paths-
-Work at Supermarkets / similar jobs, got their name on the social housing list at 16/18 and now live comfortably in subsidised acommodation.
-Work in offices and have successfully started buying or are saving for their own place. These people are either single or have no desire to start a family however.
I need advice and I need to share the advice with my Mrs. If we're sticking it out for the long-term and trying for a house we need to make that decision now and not later.
I've filtered down your post a bit, but it really does sound like you need to get a realistic plan, that you both agree to. Then set a budget that will achieve that plan, leaving in a buffer for emergencies/treats so that the budget doesn't go out the window at the first hurdle.MauiJim - I completely agree. I'm being too discrete, too secretive and not sharing my ideas and aspirations for our family with my other half. I think I'm mostly to blame because I'm trying to protect her from the truth - that it's not pretty and the following months are going to be difficult. It's far from over, I know that - but I don't think she fully appreciates it. She absolutely flew off the handle yesterday when I announced that we are still 3 payslips from being 'debt free' - she thought it would all be over by July (as per our original plan).
The main problem is that we don't have a 'plan' in place. We might go back to privately renting, we might save for a deposit. There's no "we're doing this" and there's no target as a result, so all she sees is misery. At the moment she regrets moving out altogether because our quality of life has taken a nosedive (from her perspective) and we don't have our own space. We were (to her) 'better off' when we were privately renting, living hand-to-mouth. And she's right, but there's no way I would have shifted the £4k of debt without taking these measures.
The problem is with our friends / peers. Most of the people we grew up with have gone down the following paths-
-Work at Supermarkets / similar jobs, got their name on the social housing list at 16/18 and now live comfortably in subsidised acommodation.
-Work in offices and have successfully started buying or are saving for their own place. These people are either single or have no desire to start a family however.
I need advice and I need to share the advice with my Mrs. If we're sticking it out for the long-term and trying for a house we need to make that decision now and not later.
Also review your plan/budget together, so you know how you're doing and that you are getting closer to your goal.
C.A.R. said:
MauiJim - I completely agree. I'm being too discrete, too secretive and not sharing my ideas and aspirations for our family with my other half. I think I'm mostly to blame because I'm trying to protect her from the truth - that it's not pretty and the following months are going to be difficult. It's far from over, I know that - but I don't think she fully appreciates it. She absolutely flew off the handle yesterday when I announced that we are still 3 payslips from being 'debt free' - she thought it would all be over by July (as per our original plan).
The main problem is that we don't have a 'plan' in place. We might go back to privately renting, we might save for a deposit. There's no "we're doing this" and there's no target as a result, so all she sees is misery. At the moment she regrets moving out altogether because our quality of life has taken a nosedive (from her perspective) and we don't have our own space. We were (to her) 'better off' when we were privately renting, living hand-to-mouth. And she's right, but there's no way I would have shifted the £4k of debt without taking these measures.
Can you offload your child temporarily, take her out somewhere (doesn't have to cost money - a walk in the country) and have a calm conversation with her. Explain everything as you've told us on here. Tell her you want the best for your future together and to do this you feel strongly you need to be able to pay off your outstanding debts and save a deposit. This may mean some months of 'hardship', i.e. spending less on non-essentials or living with the parents on a short term basis.The main problem is that we don't have a 'plan' in place. We might go back to privately renting, we might save for a deposit. There's no "we're doing this" and there's no target as a result, so all she sees is misery. At the moment she regrets moving out altogether because our quality of life has taken a nosedive (from her perspective) and we don't have our own space. We were (to her) 'better off' when we were privately renting, living hand-to-mouth. And she's right, but there's no way I would have shifted the £4k of debt without taking these measures.
It sounds like you're quite a careful planner. So some up with a plan for how you want the next 12/18/24 months to pan out. Maybe make several plans. Explain these plans to her and together decide which plan you want to stick with. That way she is part of the decision making process and doesn't feel like you are exerting financial control over her life.
The way I see it:
Plan 1: Stay with the parents as long as possible. Don't spend much on non-essentials. Pay off debt over the summer and then save up as much as you need for a deposit as quick as you can. Then buy a place.
Plan 2: Stay with the parents until the debt is cleared and you have enough savings to be a rainy day fund. Then move back to rented. Attempt to save what you can over the next, say, 5 years until you have enough for a deposit. Then buy a place.
Plan 3: A hybrid of both. Stay with the parents for an agreed period of time; maybe another 6/9 months. In that time, clear the debts and save what you can, but agree that in doing so, you accept she is not as happy as in her own place and you'll increase the budget for non-essentials as a compromise.
I think if she is clear where you as a family are financially, she'll be less likely to be depressed or 'fly off the handle' as she'll know the score. Even better, if she is actively involved in the decision making she'll feel more included and will feel like you're working together for the same result. Having a target to work towards together will keep everything in perspective. Keeping her in the dark to protect her, or for whatever reason, whilst admirable, is likely to end up with the situation where she's upset/depressed which could lead to thinking about breaking up - which presumably is the last thing you want, given your recent engagement and clear commitment to your family.
Just my two pence!
Edited by MauiJim on Wednesday 28th May 17:28
MauiJim said:
Can you offload your child temporarily, take her out somewhere (doesn't have to cost money - a walk in the country) and have a calm conversation with her. Explain everything as you've told us on here. Tell her you want the best for your future together and to do this you feel strongly you need to be able to pay off your outstanding debts and save a deposit. This may mean some months of 'hardship', i.e. spending less on non-essentials or living with the parents on a short term basis.
It sounds like you're quite a careful planner. So some up with a plan for how you want the next 12/18/24 months to pan out. Maybe make several plans. Explain these plans to her and together decide which plan you want to stick with. That way she is part of the decision making process and doesn't feel like you are exerting financial control over her life.
The way I see it:
Plan 1: Stay with the parents as long as possible. Don't spend much on non-essentials. Pay off debt over the summer and then save up as much as you need for a deposit as quick as you can. Then buy a place.
Plan 2: Stay with the parents until the debt is cleared and you have enough savings to be a rainy day fund. Then move back to rented. Attempt to save what you can over the next, say, 5 years until you have enough for a deposit. Then buy a place.
Plan 3: A hybrid of both. Stay with the parents for an agreed period of time; maybe another 6/9 months. In that time, clear the debts and save what you can, but agree that in doing so, you accept she is not as happy as in her own place and you'll increase the budget for non-essentials as a compromise.
I think if she is clear where you as a family are financially, she'll be less likely to be depressed or 'fly off the handle' as she'll know the score. Even better, if she is actively involved in the decision making she'll feel more included and will feel like you're working together for the same result. Having a target to work towards together will keep everything in perspective. Keeping her in the dark to protect her, or for whatever reason, whilst admirable, is likely to end up with the situation where she's upset/depressed which could lead to thinking about breaking up - which presumably is the last thing you want, given your recent engagement and clear commitment to your family.
Just my two pence!
Pretty much what I was trying to say, but put more eloquently. It sounds like you're quite a careful planner. So some up with a plan for how you want the next 12/18/24 months to pan out. Maybe make several plans. Explain these plans to her and together decide which plan you want to stick with. That way she is part of the decision making process and doesn't feel like you are exerting financial control over her life.
The way I see it:
Plan 1: Stay with the parents as long as possible. Don't spend much on non-essentials. Pay off debt over the summer and then save up as much as you need for a deposit as quick as you can. Then buy a place.
Plan 2: Stay with the parents until the debt is cleared and you have enough savings to be a rainy day fund. Then move back to rented. Attempt to save what you can over the next, say, 5 years until you have enough for a deposit. Then buy a place.
Plan 3: A hybrid of both. Stay with the parents for an agreed period of time; maybe another 6/9 months. In that time, clear the debts and save what you can, but agree that in doing so, you accept she is not as happy as in her own place and you'll increase the budget for non-essentials as a compromise.
I think if she is clear where you as a family are financially, she'll be less likely to be depressed or 'fly off the handle' as she'll know the score. Even better, if she is actively involved in the decision making she'll feel more included and will feel like you're working together for the same result. Having a target to work towards together will keep everything in perspective. Keeping her in the dark to protect her, or for whatever reason, whilst admirable, is likely to end up with the situation where she's upset/depressed which could lead to thinking about breaking up - which presumably is the last thing you want, given your recent engagement and clear commitment to your family.
Just my two pence!
Edited by MauiJim on Wednesday 28th May 17:28
Ok reading through this, basically all the bases have been covered already.
You are not in a particularly bad situation now, better than when started. Your girlfrriend sounds bored to me. Looking after your daughter, has to be frugal, doesn't want to be cos it sucks, but this is making you take 2 steps forward to one back.
You are earring more which is good.
What is keeping you in herts? Job and friends, but can this be sacrificed for a good job elsewhere cheaper to live? Tried looking for work in Wales, North England or Scotland? It can be be grim up north but can also be pretty cool.
Cad experience can pay very well contracting - you could easily earn over £35k if you get the right inroads, as can your sales experience ( more so potentially). There is work in the big cities outside herts. Get the cv in and working.
Domestically the mrs needs a challenge. Work, or a marketable hobby might help. Someone mentioned an eBay business, this could present the challenge needed. She definitely needs to finish her dental nursing training.
Not added much beyond what others have put but you've had good advice. Some of the kindest most helpful ph responses I've seen recently so well done the majority of posters here !
I'm sure things will get better. You have the right attitude to get where you need to be. Get the Mrs back on side, you can only be stronger as a result.
You are not in a particularly bad situation now, better than when started. Your girlfrriend sounds bored to me. Looking after your daughter, has to be frugal, doesn't want to be cos it sucks, but this is making you take 2 steps forward to one back.
You are earring more which is good.
What is keeping you in herts? Job and friends, but can this be sacrificed for a good job elsewhere cheaper to live? Tried looking for work in Wales, North England or Scotland? It can be be grim up north but can also be pretty cool.
Cad experience can pay very well contracting - you could easily earn over £35k if you get the right inroads, as can your sales experience ( more so potentially). There is work in the big cities outside herts. Get the cv in and working.
Domestically the mrs needs a challenge. Work, or a marketable hobby might help. Someone mentioned an eBay business, this could present the challenge needed. She definitely needs to finish her dental nursing training.
Not added much beyond what others have put but you've had good advice. Some of the kindest most helpful ph responses I've seen recently so well done the majority of posters here !
I'm sure things will get better. You have the right attitude to get where you need to be. Get the Mrs back on side, you can only be stronger as a result.
C.A.R.,
I've only skimmed the first and last few pages so apologies if I've missed anything and I'm sure everything has already been covered, by hey-ho I'm motivated by your determination and thought I'd reply anyway. None of this is in anyway a professional, informed advice, just my ramblings...
Huge respect to you not forcing the missus out to work full time. I think people all too easily forget that looking after a toddler IS work. And its fooking tiring work too. In that respect, when you chose to become a family unit rather than a couple, you turned "my" money into "our" money - and you should start referring to it as such. The reason being, your missus is working for free to bring up and care for your child whilst you bring in the reddies. So many people can't or won't change their lifestyle to accommodate a child and so revert to childcare. And great that you are bucking the all too common trend.
But that'll be for nothing if your missus is miserable.
Trying to see it from the other side, your wife/gf has been up early and maxed out on disaster-aversion, playime, control and development of your child right until the point you arrive home. Maybe after then too. She is currently living at your parents, so there is a natural stress added with that and zero personal time/space for her, every waking hour. Meanwhile, you've had a relatively calm day at work bringing in the moolah.
If she isn't working, she has no income herself and will probably feel completely trapped and operating entirely under your command. You've also just announced that she will be staying in that position for 3 more months and there is nothing she can do about it - especially since its all 'your' money. Understandably, shes angry.
Effectively, you are both working (in one form or another), both stressed for different reasons but ultimately you both want the same thing; a happy, healthy environment full of fun and laughter for the little 'un and elements of social and material fun that make you both happy. Its clear that you are desperately trying to do that but probably not communicating enough with the missus (and her likewise).
Your missus doesn't sound bothered about 'owning' just wants her own space. That seems to be her priority.
Perhaps a change in outlook is in order....
Do you "need" to own a property? There was a documentary on TV recently which showed the UK to be quite unique in this desire and that so many other countries are quite happy renting. There are positives of renting too; You have no debt, no life-long noose around your neck. You have no house related problems to fix. If you have s
t neighbours, you can up sticks pretty easily. Appreciate the negatives, but there are lots of plus points too.
I fully 'get' your desire to own (I'm the same mentality), but you sound quite depressed at resigning the to the fact you can't 'buy'. Personally (without reading the post cover to cover - which I will do at some point), I think you probably CAN buy. You just can't buy in the area you live in. And the rent costs seem flippin’ crazy too.
So, some solutions (granted this is all sweeping statements and jumbled jargon but I hope its making a bit of sense);
First up - your £2.5k debt. All power to you for wanting to destroy that debt. But if you want to get rid of £2k debt in order to be able to lend £150k debt for a house... seems a little inconsequential. Is it worth 'that' much hassle with your missus?
If it will give you a major peace of mind, I'd suggest a compromise. Tell wifey that if you can get the debt down to £1k (or whatever) in the next six weeks, you will start looking for a place to rent with the aim to be out within a few weeks after that. Fek, even mark it down on a calendar - 6 weeks to go! That will give her a tangable end-date to her current unhappiness and will likely keep her motivated to not overspend for that short period of time. But if you manage it, stick to it - don't try and delay it to get rid of the last bit.
Then loan £1k on the condition she understands you can't get any more debt or you'll be back at the parents (you seem the sort of chap who hates any kind of loans and it weighs on your mind). £1k over 5 years is about £20 a month. That is much, much less than your recent payrise so you shouldn't even notice it.
Be more open with outgoings - give her an allowance if she doesn't earn herself?
Remember, I'm trying to go for a balance here of mutual happiness between you and the missus. You get a small loan, but missus gets happy. Wife happy? Life Happy!
Unless there are strong family reasons to stay, would you consider relocating somewhere cheaper? Friends will always be friends, no matter where they are and you'll soon make new ones in a different area of the country too. But keep this in mind: will the prospect of "owning" bricks and motar (in 25 years time no less) really bring more happiness than renting in an area you know (and presumably love)? By renting, you can look for a new job and move quickly.
Once you've got your own space again, great. Everyone happy. Except you don't 'own' a house and now can't save for one either. If you have dismissed moving away, don't dismiss a council house. Get on the list if you can. You might get a decent area. It's cheaper rent than private and I think you can get the option to buy a few years down the road. Doing that will net you a big equity profit on private sale in the medium term. That could stumble you into private ownership whilst you continue to turn the career handle without the pain of saving for ever more.
Alternatively, ask estate agents if any landlords are doing rent-to-buy schemes. I think (but you’ll need to check as I’m not sure) these work whereby your rent ultimately becomes a deposit if you buy the house in x number of years. If you don’t buy, its just stays as rental. I think it is a way for landlords (who don’t want to be landlords) can sell a house to someone who hasn’t readily got a deposit, all the while allowing them to continue to pay their mortgage.
Meanwhile, there might be some stuff you could do on the side? What skills do you have - can any of those be utilised from home on an evening to bring in some "mortgage deposit money"? Could you advance your skills through evening/online courses to ultimately earn more money? Keep every payrise and side-line cash in savings. That way you are still working your way towards your goal, but keeping the missus and daughter happy too.
The biggest issue you seem to face is not one of salary, but of the area you live - its just too expensive.
Hope that helps, please just discard if it doesn't. Either way, best of luck.
I've only skimmed the first and last few pages so apologies if I've missed anything and I'm sure everything has already been covered, by hey-ho I'm motivated by your determination and thought I'd reply anyway. None of this is in anyway a professional, informed advice, just my ramblings...
Huge respect to you not forcing the missus out to work full time. I think people all too easily forget that looking after a toddler IS work. And its fooking tiring work too. In that respect, when you chose to become a family unit rather than a couple, you turned "my" money into "our" money - and you should start referring to it as such. The reason being, your missus is working for free to bring up and care for your child whilst you bring in the reddies. So many people can't or won't change their lifestyle to accommodate a child and so revert to childcare. And great that you are bucking the all too common trend.
But that'll be for nothing if your missus is miserable.
Trying to see it from the other side, your wife/gf has been up early and maxed out on disaster-aversion, playime, control and development of your child right until the point you arrive home. Maybe after then too. She is currently living at your parents, so there is a natural stress added with that and zero personal time/space for her, every waking hour. Meanwhile, you've had a relatively calm day at work bringing in the moolah.
If she isn't working, she has no income herself and will probably feel completely trapped and operating entirely under your command. You've also just announced that she will be staying in that position for 3 more months and there is nothing she can do about it - especially since its all 'your' money. Understandably, shes angry.
Effectively, you are both working (in one form or another), both stressed for different reasons but ultimately you both want the same thing; a happy, healthy environment full of fun and laughter for the little 'un and elements of social and material fun that make you both happy. Its clear that you are desperately trying to do that but probably not communicating enough with the missus (and her likewise).
Your missus doesn't sound bothered about 'owning' just wants her own space. That seems to be her priority.
Perhaps a change in outlook is in order....
Do you "need" to own a property? There was a documentary on TV recently which showed the UK to be quite unique in this desire and that so many other countries are quite happy renting. There are positives of renting too; You have no debt, no life-long noose around your neck. You have no house related problems to fix. If you have s
t neighbours, you can up sticks pretty easily. Appreciate the negatives, but there are lots of plus points too. I fully 'get' your desire to own (I'm the same mentality), but you sound quite depressed at resigning the to the fact you can't 'buy'. Personally (without reading the post cover to cover - which I will do at some point), I think you probably CAN buy. You just can't buy in the area you live in. And the rent costs seem flippin’ crazy too.
So, some solutions (granted this is all sweeping statements and jumbled jargon but I hope its making a bit of sense);
First up - your £2.5k debt. All power to you for wanting to destroy that debt. But if you want to get rid of £2k debt in order to be able to lend £150k debt for a house... seems a little inconsequential. Is it worth 'that' much hassle with your missus?
If it will give you a major peace of mind, I'd suggest a compromise. Tell wifey that if you can get the debt down to £1k (or whatever) in the next six weeks, you will start looking for a place to rent with the aim to be out within a few weeks after that. Fek, even mark it down on a calendar - 6 weeks to go! That will give her a tangable end-date to her current unhappiness and will likely keep her motivated to not overspend for that short period of time. But if you manage it, stick to it - don't try and delay it to get rid of the last bit.
Then loan £1k on the condition she understands you can't get any more debt or you'll be back at the parents (you seem the sort of chap who hates any kind of loans and it weighs on your mind). £1k over 5 years is about £20 a month. That is much, much less than your recent payrise so you shouldn't even notice it.
Be more open with outgoings - give her an allowance if she doesn't earn herself?
Remember, I'm trying to go for a balance here of mutual happiness between you and the missus. You get a small loan, but missus gets happy. Wife happy? Life Happy!
Unless there are strong family reasons to stay, would you consider relocating somewhere cheaper? Friends will always be friends, no matter where they are and you'll soon make new ones in a different area of the country too. But keep this in mind: will the prospect of "owning" bricks and motar (in 25 years time no less) really bring more happiness than renting in an area you know (and presumably love)? By renting, you can look for a new job and move quickly.
Once you've got your own space again, great. Everyone happy. Except you don't 'own' a house and now can't save for one either. If you have dismissed moving away, don't dismiss a council house. Get on the list if you can. You might get a decent area. It's cheaper rent than private and I think you can get the option to buy a few years down the road. Doing that will net you a big equity profit on private sale in the medium term. That could stumble you into private ownership whilst you continue to turn the career handle without the pain of saving for ever more.
Alternatively, ask estate agents if any landlords are doing rent-to-buy schemes. I think (but you’ll need to check as I’m not sure) these work whereby your rent ultimately becomes a deposit if you buy the house in x number of years. If you don’t buy, its just stays as rental. I think it is a way for landlords (who don’t want to be landlords) can sell a house to someone who hasn’t readily got a deposit, all the while allowing them to continue to pay their mortgage.
Meanwhile, there might be some stuff you could do on the side? What skills do you have - can any of those be utilised from home on an evening to bring in some "mortgage deposit money"? Could you advance your skills through evening/online courses to ultimately earn more money? Keep every payrise and side-line cash in savings. That way you are still working your way towards your goal, but keeping the missus and daughter happy too.
The biggest issue you seem to face is not one of salary, but of the area you live - its just too expensive.
Hope that helps, please just discard if it doesn't. Either way, best of luck.
Edited by Paul O on Thursday 29th May 15:10
Thanks for all the extended and thought-out responses, I am reading them!
MauiJim-
'Temporarily' offloading my daughter is a pain, since we don't really have any close family who are able to look after her. I have an older sister who is pursuing her career and very busy, my mother (as mentioned) is disabled and my father is her carer whenever he is home. Mrs parents split long ago, we don't like to associate with her mums' partner (bit of a tw*t) and that's about it! So we are stuck with her - but we're not complaining, we didn't have her for someone else to look after her.
We have agreed to formulate a mutually agreeable plan between us in the short term and like another poster said for the next 12 / 18 / 24 months and where we would like to be after that period. The build-up of stress staying at my parents seems to culminate in a hefty argument every 4 weeks at the moment and then it settles again.
Option 1 on your list would be ideal (in my view) but in light of recent events it might not be the best for our relationship. I estimate a £12k deposit (plus fees!) could take 10-12 months to save for.
Option 2 will interest her, but I'm worried about building up a 'rainy day' fund then having to use it and immediately be in trouble again, because when we were living in private accommodation (pre-payrise) we were spending our entire income ±£100 every month and would be knackered with every unexpectedly-high bill.
Option 3 just sounds like I'll end up spunking what I save on a new car / family holiday as that would be 'improving' our quality of life, albeit a pretty selfish / short term way of doing it!
Hell27-
My Mrs is bored. Very bored. She's better on the days where she has lots to do - like take our daughter to the park / playgroup and then work in the evenings. I think the monotony of being stuck inside the same room most days is what does her head in.
Keeping us in Herts - family mainly, we don't know anyone outside of Herts and being young parents with little-to-no childcare means we get maybe 1 opportunity a month to socialise! That's going to be tough to make new friends I think. But I haven't entirely ruled it out, especially if she passes her driving test in the next few months.
CAD is now playing a role in my work, as I'm absorbing work from other departments in an attempt to get to a higher tier / better salary. 'Extra' CAD work would be lovely, but I've no idea when I'd fit it in around work and family. I have the facility and the desire, but not the time.
I'll have to respond to Paul O another time as I need to run to beat the traffic lights at the end of the road!
Thanks again people.
MauiJim-
'Temporarily' offloading my daughter is a pain, since we don't really have any close family who are able to look after her. I have an older sister who is pursuing her career and very busy, my mother (as mentioned) is disabled and my father is her carer whenever he is home. Mrs parents split long ago, we don't like to associate with her mums' partner (bit of a tw*t) and that's about it! So we are stuck with her - but we're not complaining, we didn't have her for someone else to look after her.
We have agreed to formulate a mutually agreeable plan between us in the short term and like another poster said for the next 12 / 18 / 24 months and where we would like to be after that period. The build-up of stress staying at my parents seems to culminate in a hefty argument every 4 weeks at the moment and then it settles again.
Option 1 on your list would be ideal (in my view) but in light of recent events it might not be the best for our relationship. I estimate a £12k deposit (plus fees!) could take 10-12 months to save for.
Option 2 will interest her, but I'm worried about building up a 'rainy day' fund then having to use it and immediately be in trouble again, because when we were living in private accommodation (pre-payrise) we were spending our entire income ±£100 every month and would be knackered with every unexpectedly-high bill.
Option 3 just sounds like I'll end up spunking what I save on a new car / family holiday as that would be 'improving' our quality of life, albeit a pretty selfish / short term way of doing it!
Hell27-
My Mrs is bored. Very bored. She's better on the days where she has lots to do - like take our daughter to the park / playgroup and then work in the evenings. I think the monotony of being stuck inside the same room most days is what does her head in.
Keeping us in Herts - family mainly, we don't know anyone outside of Herts and being young parents with little-to-no childcare means we get maybe 1 opportunity a month to socialise! That's going to be tough to make new friends I think. But I haven't entirely ruled it out, especially if she passes her driving test in the next few months.
CAD is now playing a role in my work, as I'm absorbing work from other departments in an attempt to get to a higher tier / better salary. 'Extra' CAD work would be lovely, but I've no idea when I'd fit it in around work and family. I have the facility and the desire, but not the time.
I'll have to respond to Paul O another time as I need to run to beat the traffic lights at the end of the road!
Thanks again people.
I'm sure it's been mentioned before but taking on a mortgage that's a struggle now is a really bad idea. Seems very likely that rates will rise over the next few years and even if you get a good rate locked in for 5 years it could be a nasty shock in a few years if your income hasn't risen much and your mortgage suddenly does.
AJS- said:
I'm sure it's been mentioned before but taking on a mortgage that's a struggle now is a really bad idea. Seems very likely that rates will rise over the next few years and even if you get a good rate locked in for 5 years it could be a nasty shock in a few years if your income hasn't risen much and your mortgage suddenly does.
^ is a very good point well worth keeping in mind. 
All that jazz said:
okgo said:
bad company said:
This will not be a popular opinion BUT - Why did you guys not save enough to buy a home and become financially stable BEFORE starting a family? 
I think that is a perfectly popular opinion on PH tbh, and a valid point. 
oyster said:
All that jazz said:
okgo said:
bad company said:
This will not be a popular opinion BUT - Why did you guys not save enough to buy a home and become financially stable BEFORE starting a family?
I think that is a perfectly popular opinion on PH tbh, and a valid point. If most families did wait until the were financially stable enough to provide for children and bring them up well and not just through nurseries, then there would be no children. The few there would be would be from older parents with much more medical risk to both mother and child.
it costs too much to bring up a child without assistance (which parents do get, it's not benefit scrounging.)
okgo said:
Lots of people are sensible and wait until its feasible to have kids, LOTS more people are not. Most of them fall into a certain category of person.
Lots of people get hung up on trying to 'categorise' people in society, fortunately while there are many posts like this in my thread I'm thick-skinned enough to completely ignore them and the lack of thought which went into writing them.I have made an appointment to talk to an advisor this weekened mainly just to establish whether or not 'buying' is really for us or if it is more of a pipe dream.
I'm learning more and more about mortgages as I go, but it's a confusing world and nobody (banks, building societies) will even acknowledge you unless you at least have a deposit / some equity. We have none, obviously.
I figure we can put away £1,000 a month at my current salary. I'm also considering moving on from where I am, at the risk of losing the stability this position has (will shortly be leading this department). Despite the recent (and substantial) payrise, I still feel like I'm worth more to this company and what I think a competitor could quite easily see that if I spoke with them. We'll see...
I'm in pretty much the same position as the OP, it's a pretty rough place to be and gives me all kinds of nightmares trying to work out what to do next.
We currently pay £800 a month rent for a small-ish 2 bed semi. Flats in the immediate area are £700-£800 so we got it quite cheap.
It would be more expensive to buy (mortgage around £1,000) but I'd rather do that than waste money on rent. However, there is no way we could afford the deposit to buy. Our neighbour has just put their house (which is identical to ours) for £295,000. Take stamp duty into account, legal fees and a 5% deposit - that's £20,000.
There are however advantages of renting with a young family. If our boiler breaks, we call the landlord and he fixes it. If the oven breaks, we call the landlord and he replaces it. We don't have to spend the next 5 financially difficult years worrying about the possible big bills to roll in.
Swings and roundabouts I say
We currently pay £800 a month rent for a small-ish 2 bed semi. Flats in the immediate area are £700-£800 so we got it quite cheap.
It would be more expensive to buy (mortgage around £1,000) but I'd rather do that than waste money on rent. However, there is no way we could afford the deposit to buy. Our neighbour has just put their house (which is identical to ours) for £295,000. Take stamp duty into account, legal fees and a 5% deposit - that's £20,000.
There are however advantages of renting with a young family. If our boiler breaks, we call the landlord and he fixes it. If the oven breaks, we call the landlord and he replaces it. We don't have to spend the next 5 financially difficult years worrying about the possible big bills to roll in.
Swings and roundabouts I say
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