Going through seperation from wife, some advice?
Discussion
Ari said:
You REALLY need to take some proper EXPERT legal advice before committing yourself to funding her house to the tune of more than double what's due whilst living in your mum's spare room for the foreseeable future.
I don't think he's open to that... Seemingly asking for advice, and wanting to follow up on the advice are two different things.frank butcher said:
There is £200,000 equity in the house correct. Half of which will definitely be mine! But it is in joint names so can't do nothing at all for now. £100k in London will go nowhere at all plus she would never agree to sell it in a million years,
Half is not necessary yours I'm afraid. During negotiations for your divorce the judge will award a percentage to each party and if the kids live with the wife she will get more than 50%Edited by frank butcher on Saturday 4th June 17:58
Edited by frank butcher on Saturday 4th June 18:02
hunton69 said:
Half is not necessary yours I'm afraid. During negotiations for your divorce the judge will award a percentage to each party and if the kids live with the wife she will get more than 50%
Having been through this in some detail for a friend recently, the weighting for the larger proportion of the property to go to the parent that gets the kids is far reduced compared to previously (and the expectation is very much a 50/50 split).And the automatic assumption that the mum gets the kids is also no longer the case. No reason at all why our man here shouldn't have custody of his child.
My advice is for your mental health. You have been and are going to be for some time put through the ringer. Common sense and equitable solutions are not likely at least initially. Bore lifelong friends, us on here and your family with your hassles don't stew on things, don't blame yourself, try and deal with one hurdle at a time.
The positive aspect is you have a good family backup, a roof over your head and someone around that 100% will not let you down, your mum. So remember that when you fret about your lack of future 'life'. It may well never be the same again but it will get better, but unfortunately in the short term you have to be prepared for it to get a little worse, or at least remain frustrating, demoralising etc for a period.
I wish you the best of luck.
The positive aspect is you have a good family backup, a roof over your head and someone around that 100% will not let you down, your mum. So remember that when you fret about your lack of future 'life'. It may well never be the same again but it will get better, but unfortunately in the short term you have to be prepared for it to get a little worse, or at least remain frustrating, demoralising etc for a period.
I wish you the best of luck.
Scootersp said:
My advice is for your mental health. You have been and are going to be for some time put through the ringer. Common sense and equitable solutions are not likely at least initially. Bore lifelong friends, us on here and your family with your hassles don't stew on things, don't blame yourself, try and deal with one hurdle at a time.
The positive aspect is you have a good family backup, a roof over your head and someone around that 100% will not let you down, your mum. So remember that when you fret about your lack of future 'life'. It may well never be the same again but it will get better, but unfortunately in the short term you have to be prepared for it to get a little worse, or at least remain frustrating, demoralising etc for a period.
I wish you the best of luck.
What he said +1The positive aspect is you have a good family backup, a roof over your head and someone around that 100% will not let you down, your mum. So remember that when you fret about your lack of future 'life'. It may well never be the same again but it will get better, but unfortunately in the short term you have to be prepared for it to get a little worse, or at least remain frustrating, demoralising etc for a period.
I wish you the best of luck.
I've been through it and it is hell. Unless you have actually done something really wrong don't blame yourself - she will be doing this enough for both of you anyway.
Do keep a meticulous diary as to all of your time with your child and make it an enjoyable pursuit so that you continue until she is at least 16, if not 18 years old. I say this as my ex and I agreed a 2/3rd (her) 1/3rd (me) split of time with our daughter and 7 years later (the month I made my final settlement payment - what a coincidence) she stopped all contact (event over the phone) based on a load of completely made up allegations.
My daughter last stayed with me in December 2015, had one 3 hour afternoon with me in February and the case doesn't even get to court until September this year. She was 10 years 5 months when she last stayed with me and will be 11 years 2 months old before I get the chance to see her again.
My solicitors say there is no doubt whatsoever that I will win, but she is abusing the process to get back at me all these years later.
Anyway, enough about my problems. Try as much as you can to work things out between you. Solicitors only subtract money, they never even attempt to retrain it can't (by definition) add to it. The pot just shrinks for both of you and each of you walk away with less.
She has a child from another marriage plus a child from your marriage. She will therefore get the house. People can say whatever they like but this will be the case. I would suggest offering to put the house in Trust for the benefit of you/her/your child until your daughter reaches the age of 18 (or the end of full time education - if necessary). At this point the house is sold at market value with a 50/50 split on the sale price less mortgage payments you have covered and any outstanding mortgage (this would therefore enable one of you to buy the other out - you at a fraction of her cost). It would be up to the two of you to individually decide how this money is distributed.
In doing this you have immediately satisfied her solicitor (who in turn will have no choice but to explain to her this would satisfy any judge) that you are putting the child (or children in this case) first.
You can then offer to give her half of your pension and any other assets (I am assuming at your age these will be small). You are now on a winner (so to speak in the circumstances).
With two children she will easily convince a judge she cannot work any more than she currently does so the court will look at the money:
£2,200 net a month earned by you = £507 a week
I think you said she receives £1,300 a month (child maintenance/benefits/her work) and she will get a further £300 a month in child benefit from you. That totals £1,600 tax free income each month (£370 a week).
On this basis, given the above, if you are paying the mortgage (and think of it as a pension because you will get it back) then that should be it.
Of course the (soon to be ex) wife will make all sorts of noises. Go in gradually and make the house (in Trust) offer last.
PM me if you want to chat further.
Im so sorry to hear your situation.
It seems almost as if she knew what she was doing.
This is why marriage is often unfair.
Well, you have a child so she would probably be entitled to stay in the house until the child was 18 or so. You will also have to pay maintenance.
What if you didnt pay the mortgage and the house got Reposessed?
What if you went self employed?
Hope it works out well but this is a major issue with marriage.
In my humble opinion ine of you should be able to force the sale of the home, split the equity unless an agreement to the contrary and you pay a set amount towards your child each month and that should be that.
It seems almost as if she knew what she was doing.
This is why marriage is often unfair.
Well, you have a child so she would probably be entitled to stay in the house until the child was 18 or so. You will also have to pay maintenance.
What if you didnt pay the mortgage and the house got Reposessed?
What if you went self employed?
Hope it works out well but this is a major issue with marriage.
In my humble opinion ine of you should be able to force the sale of the home, split the equity unless an agreement to the contrary and you pay a set amount towards your child each month and that should be that.
First of all, if you are currently unmarried learn from this story and never get married. I know us divorced men are considered bitter and twisted but I have read stories like this a thousand times. Yes, I know your perfect little snow flake loves you and she is different, but every divorced man thought the same at one point.
Anyway, having been there myself my initial advice is to forget about the finances and concentrate on looking after yourself. If you are anything like I was, you are currently unable to sleep or eat properly and you are in constant fight or flight mode. Don't be afraid to take a sleeping pill if you really, really need it as being awake at 3:00AM with your whole married life going through your head will not help you. Make sure you eat, even if you really cannot face it. For the first few weeks I could hardly face food so I was just eating chocolate and sweets as it was all I could swallow. It doesn't matter what you eat, just eat anything.
Talk about it with anybody who will listen. Go to a counselor if you think it might help, you are probably blaming yourself right now and a counselor will help you get things into perspective. Feeling depressed is normal but will pass. If you go to the doctor they will give you antidepressents but seriously think about what the side effects will be before you take them. As soon as I did some research on the ones I had been prescribed I ripped up the prescription. Don't do anything stupid, no woman is worth killing yourself over.
It will get better, it might take 18 months but one day you will wake up and just realise everything is going to be OK. For me it felt like I was in a dark fog at the start, but it does lift and it lifts so gradually that you don't even realise it has gone until you barely think about her from one week to the next.
If there isn't already a new guy then there will most likely be one soon. This is a massive kick in the guts and unfortunately there is nothing you can do to prepare yourself for it.
Oh and finally, when you start dating again do not get anyone pregnant. Do not believe any woman who says she is on the pill or cannot get pregnant. Seriously, you do not want this and another pregnant woman.
When it comes to the finances try and sort this out amicably between the two of you. I know you are angry and want to get lawyers involved but this will end up costing you a fortune and the only winner is the solicitors.
Good luck and it will get better, trust me.
Anyway, having been there myself my initial advice is to forget about the finances and concentrate on looking after yourself. If you are anything like I was, you are currently unable to sleep or eat properly and you are in constant fight or flight mode. Don't be afraid to take a sleeping pill if you really, really need it as being awake at 3:00AM with your whole married life going through your head will not help you. Make sure you eat, even if you really cannot face it. For the first few weeks I could hardly face food so I was just eating chocolate and sweets as it was all I could swallow. It doesn't matter what you eat, just eat anything.
Talk about it with anybody who will listen. Go to a counselor if you think it might help, you are probably blaming yourself right now and a counselor will help you get things into perspective. Feeling depressed is normal but will pass. If you go to the doctor they will give you antidepressents but seriously think about what the side effects will be before you take them. As soon as I did some research on the ones I had been prescribed I ripped up the prescription. Don't do anything stupid, no woman is worth killing yourself over.
It will get better, it might take 18 months but one day you will wake up and just realise everything is going to be OK. For me it felt like I was in a dark fog at the start, but it does lift and it lifts so gradually that you don't even realise it has gone until you barely think about her from one week to the next.
If there isn't already a new guy then there will most likely be one soon. This is a massive kick in the guts and unfortunately there is nothing you can do to prepare yourself for it.
Oh and finally, when you start dating again do not get anyone pregnant. Do not believe any woman who says she is on the pill or cannot get pregnant. Seriously, you do not want this and another pregnant woman.
When it comes to the finances try and sort this out amicably between the two of you. I know you are angry and want to get lawyers involved but this will end up costing you a fortune and the only winner is the solicitors.
Good luck and it will get better, trust me.
I think that's fantastic advice.
My only slight variation would be this:
It took dragging my mate to the solicitor to instil some logic and facts into the process, and knowing exactly where he stood (good or bad) made negotiations easier because he knew what was worth fighting for and what was worth letting go.
Do make sure it is a good one though. The first one he saw was a 'free consultation', but was encouraging him to 'fight for everything' (obviously using this solicitor). The second charged for the advice from the off, but was far more pragmatic and actually said 'try and keep solicitors out of it, but I'm here if you need me'. He used her once more for advice later on, but never engaged her with the other party.
My only slight variation would be this:
Joey Deacon said:
When it comes to the finances try and sort this out amicably between the two of you. I know you are angry and want to get lawyers involved but this will end up costing you a fortune and the only winner is the solicitors.
I agree that if you an keep solicitors out of the negotiation that's all to the good. But do please go and see a proper family solicitor and arm yourself with the proper facts and some sensible dispassionate advice (because I suspect some of the decisions you are making right now are understandably emotionally based, and you may come to regret them).It took dragging my mate to the solicitor to instil some logic and facts into the process, and knowing exactly where he stood (good or bad) made negotiations easier because he knew what was worth fighting for and what was worth letting go.
Do make sure it is a good one though. The first one he saw was a 'free consultation', but was encouraging him to 'fight for everything' (obviously using this solicitor). The second charged for the advice from the off, but was far more pragmatic and actually said 'try and keep solicitors out of it, but I'm here if you need me'. He used her once more for advice later on, but never engaged her with the other party.
What is it with men wanting to keep the "family" home? The family is screwed! Ditch the house and both have as little financial link to each other as possible.
How can you move on when you carry that burden round your neck? Best thing I ever did was sell my house on the brink of divorce. Judges can't split what no longer exists.
How can you move on when you carry that burden round your neck? Best thing I ever did was sell my house on the brink of divorce. Judges can't split what no longer exists.
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