Lending Small amount of cash to friends

[CrgT16]

Sounds like you want different things. I think your attitude reasonable up to a point. She likes to travel and you are with her so you have to make a little effort with travelling/holidays. Perhaps she doesn’t share your enthusiasm with cars, have you lessen your spending on things you like or showed a compromise. If the relationship is like this at gf stage I doubt it will be any good in the longer term. You need to change a little and then reassess if it’s worth it for you. Also you need to make an effort with her social life/friends. Ultimately they will either vouch for you or not, she will need them to say you are ok if the relationship evolves, no approval from them and you are gone. Be glad no children in the making.

The signs for a future break up are all there already, if both of you don’t change course I doubt it will work so save the pain, etc if not workable. Harsh words but I think fair ones. Good luck.

[xjay1337]

I do need to make more of an effort with her friends and family.
I know. I just find many social situations incredibly draining personally especially when I don't know the people. I end up kind sort of sitting in a corner quietly or not saying much. It's my anxiety which she knows about. I've been on and off meds for over a decade, tried therapy etc.

The reason why she uses one of my cars is that as part of our mortgage application she VT'd her HP car.

She had a budget of 1000 to buy a new one.
I sourced a car for her being the alpha male that I'm not . She signed off on it. Not a nice car. But one with some mod cons that I know was well looked after and maintained. But she complained about it , didn't like it etc, it had rusty wings "that's the cancer of cars". so I said ok, Well I don't mind it so , use my new car. This was 18 months ago and she's put 18k on it in this time.
I've done 12k in her car and it's never let me down!
It needed new rear caliper as one was sticking so I paid for new calipers for her.

Driver101 said:

Why do you pay more than her towards the house? If she's better off than you I can't see why it shouldn't be equal.

I would also highly recommend building up some savings. Don't just save up for specific holidays and events whilst running to the penny the rest of the time.

I guess the girlfriend is showing her frustration and getting worried with your spending. It's not just the £60, it's the fact you'll spend every spare penny you have even when in debt. She's looking for you to show some financial responsibility.

Edited by Driver101 on Sunday 1st December 09:45

I earn more than her.
She is a student but has a Bursary and also student loan. Effectively around 1500 a month.
We've lived together for 3 years.
We've owned this house for 1.5.
Even she was in work I've always paid more than her. Her role in Healthcare didn't ever pay much more than 18k a year so she couldn't afford a higher share.
At the moment, I pay £1100 and she pays £600

I don't spend every spare penny I have. I don't think that's fair to say. I simply didn't save up for this particular holiday.

I've already admitted my reasons for not saving up for the holiday and I've been totally open with her and apologised for what I have done. So many times. I'm very open and accepting of my failures.

She will happily do 120 miles in a day of driving around to see her friends etc, lunch/coffee/dinners etc but she says she has no money. I made the suggestion that she might have to miss out on some things and also maybe re need to reassess what we do in our free time when things cost money.
I suggested puzzles / dog walks / national trust (we have memberships) or video games to keep us entertained at home for little to no cost. But that, like I am doing, some things you will need to just say "sorry, can't afford that".
Her words were "I'm not gonna miss out just because if you". Jeepers.

She lives on her credit card. Partly down to me for the holiday. Sure. And again I've apologised.
But she is an impulsive person when it comes to buying things and also going to do things etc.

I don't really care about money in a relationship as long as our bills are paid and we are in the black.
I'm sure her personal debt combined with me owing her money is frustrating. I really understand that, I take full responsibility for her frustration hence why I am sticking to my agreement. If our joint account runs over I'll always be the one to top it up. If we need food mid month extra over our budget I buy it.

We are going through a very tough time at the minute and while there are a couple of other things I genuinely think the money is a huge catalyst.
I've considered and am considering a break. But we have a nice life together otherwise so it seems a shame to end it because of the money.

Edited by xjay1337 on Sunday 1st December 11:42

[Fckitdriveon]

Interesting subject, good range of opinions,

It’s something that I’ve had to Deal with, reverse roles to that Of the Op, and I found that if I was going to complain about paying more or micro analysing my expenditure compared to my missus then we just wouldn’t do half the things we do, equally she’s got me mega organised with money this past few months and I have to grateful for that.

She earns less , it is what it is, we balance things out and whilst there are times it slightly bugs me , that’s my own ‘stuff’ and not really anything to do with her.

She’s owed me a grand for a couple of months from a holiday oddly enough, I paid a couple of k extra for the trip but when we spent more than planned whilst there we agreed she d pay me the thousand, i haven’t said anything since nor have I micro analysed her expenditure , she’s given me back half so far and I have no doubt it won’t be long before she pays the rest, am I bothered ? Nope. I wouldn’t have given it if I was.

I can see how it’s emotive for some and I have no doubt there is more at play here than just the money, keep talking would be my only suggestion and find the root cause of the issue .

Best of luck!

[Lemming Train]

xjay1337 said:

I do need to make more of an effort with her friends and family.
I know. I just find many social situations incredibly draining personally especially when I don't know the people. I end up kind sort of sitting in a corner quietly or not saying much. It's my anxiety which she knows about. I've been on and off meds for over a decade, tried therapy etc.

Driver101 said:

Why do you pay more than her towards the house? If she's better off than you I can't see why it shouldn't be equal.

I would also highly recommend building up some savings. Don't just save up for specific holidays and events whilst running to the penny the rest of the time.

I guess the girlfriend is showing her frustration and getting worried with your spending. It's not just the £60, it's the fact you'll spend every spare penny you have even when in debt. She's looking for you to show some financial responsibility.

Edited by Driver101 on Sunday 1st December 09:45

I earn more than her.
She is a student but has a Bursary and also student loan. Effectively around 1500 a month.
We've lived together for 3 years.
We've owned this house for 1.5.
Even she was in work I've always paid more than her. Her role in Healthcare didn't ever pay much more than 18k a year so she couldn't afford a higher share.
At the moment, I pay £1100 and she pays £600

I don't spend every spare penny I have. I don't think that's fair to say. I simply didn't save up for this particular holiday.

I've already admitted my reasons for not saving up for the holiday and I've been totally open with her and apologised for what I have done. I'm very open and accepting of my failures.

She will happily do 120 miles in a day of driving around to see her friends etc, lunch/coffee/dinners etc. I made the suggestion that she might have to miss out on some things and also maybe re need to reassess what we do in our free time when things cost money.
I suggested puzzles / dog walks / national trust (we have memberships) or video games to keep us entertained at home for little to no cost. But that, like I am doing, some things you will need to just say "sorry, can't afford that".
Her words were "I'm not gonna miss out just because if you". Jeepers.

She lives on her credit card. Partly down to me for the holiday. Sure. And again I've apologised.
But she is an impulsive person when it comes to buying things and also going to do things etc.

xjay1337 said:

I pay 65% of the costs towards the house

It's been a very long time since I was a student, but even now, if my g/f had suggested to me that we could do some puzzles / dog walks / National Trust stuff together I'd have laughed like fk. She sounds like your stereotypical student wanting to party 24/7, go on holidays every month, buy loads of 'must-have-it-now' tat she doesn't need etc, and I expect has Facebook and Instagram accounts where all this "hey, look at me and how I'm having a great time!" crap is posted. You, on the other hand, just wants a quiet life sat in your armchair with your pipe and slippers whilst sipping on your cup of tea and watching the 6 o'clock news on the telly.

[bucksmanuk]

xjay1337 said:

She will happily do 120 miles in a day of driving around to see her friends etc, lunch/coffee/dinners etc but she says she has no money.

A mate’s wife does this, she doesn’t work, and it causes him endless grief.
The amount she spends is frightening, and she just can't see the problem. I can see it being a deal breaker shortly...

Good luck

[EddieSteadyGo]

xjay1337 said:

<snip>
I've considered and am considering a break. But we have a nice life together otherwise so it seems a shame to end it because of the money.

I've clipped this portion of your post, as I think this is probably the right way forward.

You have been honest and self-deprecating in your summary of the situation. Your agreement was to repay £200 per month but with the promise to pay any spare money you had left at the end of the month. However, this does not commit you to not spending any money on yourself until the debt is repaid.

Sorry to say but your girlfriend sounds selfish and inconsiderate i.e. nitpicking for a minor piece of personal spending whilst being happy to drive your car and showing little regard for your joint financial wellbeing, whilst focusing mainly on her own money and her own enjoyment.

Finding a partner you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with requires (imo) a basic compatibility on the goals you both want to attain in life. If you don't have that, the relationship will be placed under increasing strain.

[borcy]

I think you've both got very different wants in terms of social life, hobbies etc and that's fine relationships between two people who are very different can and do work. But I think neither of you have accepted that, accepting that you two are very different people is a step in the right direction. You can't make the other person have a different outlook on life.


Is there an age gap of any note?

Edited by borcy on Sunday 1st December 14:47

[Adam B]

EddieSteadyGo said:

I've clipped this portion of your post, as I think this is probably the right way forward.

You have been honest and self-deprecating in your summary of the situation. Your agreement was to repay £200 per month but with the promise to pay any spare money you had left at the end of the month. However, this does not commit you to not spending any money on yourself until the debt is repaid.

Sorry to say but your girlfriend sounds selfish and inconsiderate i.e. nitpicking for a minor piece of personal spending whilst being happy to drive your car and showing little regard for your joint financial wellbeing, whilst focusing mainly on her own money and her own enjoyment.

Finding a partner you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with requires (imo) a basic compatibility on the goals you both want to attain in life. If you don't have that, the relationship will be placed under increasing strain.

Agree with this, she wants you to fund her transport and housing arrangements and expect you to repay ahead of schedule. On the other hand she sounds sociable and you are not which may cause her frustration.

Just swap cars back and say hers cost more to run and you need to repay her loan quicker

[xjay1337]

Lemming Train said:

: She sounds like your stereotypical student wanting to party 24/7, go on holidays every month, buy loads of 'must-have-it-now' tat she doesn't need etc, and I expect has Facebook and Instagram accounts where all this "hey, look at me and how I'm having a great time!" crap is posted. You, on the other hand, just wants a quiet life sat in your armchair with your pipe and slippers whilst sipping on your cup of tea and watching the 6 o'clock news on the telly.

I wouldn't quite say that's fair. She isn't a heavy party girl etc.
I think she just wants a more active social life that she can have right now.
Mainly this is due to us moving an hour away from her friends and family (and further from mine!) to get on the housing ladder.

I would desperately love to go to her friends for dinner parties etc but the last 6-12 months mentally have been a huge strain with anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts rearing their ugly head.

Mentally I'm stuck as I feel awful for not going . And I really try. But I guess I could push myself harder.

She knows about these but often I keep my feelings inside to not put any weight on her.

But I wouldnt put her in that category as you described.

btw I am 28 and she is 27.

A lot of the problems atm are due to money
Like the rear brakes needing to be changed on her car, I bought them . She doesn't have the money to have them fitted, either. So I'll pay for it or she will have to keep using my car as I wouldn't want her driving around in a dangerous car.

[Teddy Lop]

xjay1337 said:

I earn more than her.
She is a student but has a Bursary and also student loan. Effectively around 1500 a month.
We've lived together for 3 years.
We've owned this house for 1.5.
Even she was in work I've always paid more than her. Her role in Healthcare didn't ever pay much more than 18k a year so she couldn't afford a higher share.
At the moment, I pay £1100 and she pays £600

I think its easy to fall into a trap of treating a relationship finances like you're house sharers or something rather than a single unit, obviously it's often not easy to apportion stuff fairly without structure but it needs to mature to a point where you don't worry about pettiness, if she wanted the holiday that badly and you didn't she should have just paid for it, or done something cheaper.

[Lemming Train]

xjay1337 said:

A lot of the problems atm are due to money
Like the rear brakes needing to be changed on her car, I bought them . She doesn't have the money to have them fitted, either. So I'll pay for it or she will have to keep using my car as I wouldn't want her driving around in a dangerous car.

That's her problem, not yours. Perhaps you should point out to her that she would have the money for all the day to day necessities, you know - like keeping her car maintained and roadworthy - if she wasn't dumping £3k on unnecessary holidays in the sun. The upcoming holiday you mentioned in an earlier post is yet another unnecessary expense when you both seem to be cash-strapped.

Like others have said, you both seem to want completely different things from life and as the current problems are centered around money, the future doesn't look bright for you both as a couple.

[xjay1337]

Thanks for the advice and all perspectives.

Lesson learnt though!

[CrgT16]

Take it easy and try to make it work, it seems there are a lot of positives in your relationship. I think it can work and I believe that if you put a little effort on the social side your gf may feel less frustrated and fall in line. Anything else... with all the different opinions I think I can say that PH community will be hear to listen! All the best and chin up!

[nonsequitur]

littlebasher said:

What's happened to PH these days

At least 10 posts in, and nobody has suggested Smashing her back doors in or hammering sausages in the lawn.

Pfft

PH has become a little more sophisticated ever since the great sausage riot of 2018. I can't even post what happened, it was too awful. But life goes on. Just.

[Kent Border Kenny]

Nickp82 said:

You have basically promised her one thing and gone and done another so she has a right to be pissed off imo.

I think that if I owed anyone I’d be on bread and water until it was repaid. I hate owing people money.

[Kent Border Kenny]

fridaypassion said:

Does nobody have joint accounts any more?

We have joint accounts for household expenses, but both are happy to also have our own accounts for other things. We are more comfortable this way, as there is no question of needing to discuss if I, for example, should buy a Mulsanne Speed this month.

[Blown2CV]

Kent Border Kenny said:

Nickp82 said:

You have basically promised her one thing and gone and done another so she has a right to be pissed off imo.

I think that if I owed anyone I’d be on bread and water until it was repaid. I hate owing people money.

possibly a bit of an unhelpful view there, although i suppose virtuous of you in a way. I am sure he doesn't exactly enjoy being in debt to his Missus either, except the argument is largely the rights and wrongs of how she has conducted her role as the creditor, or whether she has a real right to be so hardline. I think if a man was to do this there is an argument to say it is financial abuse or whatever the term is for it these days.

If the agreement was to pay her £200 a month, then he should pay her that. The idea of 'plus any spare money' was a daft foot to set off on however, as she has defined that as 'every other penny he has' whereas he has, more reasonably, positioned it as whatever money he has left that would otherwise accrue into savings or wherever.

I'd rather not be bought presents by someone who owes me money, but maybe that is where this becomes weird as they are in a relationship. I wonder how she would have reacted if he got to Xmas and simply said ah yea, all my spare money goes to pay of this kneecap loan you've foist upon me, so no presents for you this year. Probably not very positively, I bet. Some women just love to pick whatever position which would render you wrong.

[ST565NP]

Blown2CV said:

Some women just love to pick whatever position which would render you wrong.

This !

[anonymous-user]

Sorry OP but the relationship sounds like one with built-in obsolescence.

Best get out sooner rather than later, it will cost you a lot less and give you more time to find a more suitable and compatible partner.

[Thales]

xjay1337 said:

I earn more than her.
She is a student but has a Bursary and also student loan. Effectively around 1500 a month.
We've lived together for 3 years.
We've owned this house for 1.5.
Even she was in work I've always paid more than her. Her role in Healthcare didn't ever pay much more than 18k a year so she couldn't afford a higher share.
At the moment, I pay £1100 and she pays £600

I don't spend every spare penny I have. I don't think that's fair to say. I simply didn't save up for this particular holiday.

I've already admitted my reasons for not saving up for the holiday and I've been totally open with her and apologised for what I have done. So many times. I'm very open and accepting of my failures.

She will happily do 120 miles in a day of driving around to see her friends etc, lunch/coffee/dinners etc but she says she has no money. I made the suggestion that she might have to miss out on some things and also maybe re need to reassess what we do in our free time when things cost money.
I suggested puzzles / dog walks / national trust (we have memberships) or video games to keep us entertained at home for little to no cost. But that, like I am doing, some things you will need to just say "sorry, can't afford that".
Her words were "I'm not gonna miss out just because if you". Jeepers.

She lives on her credit card. Partly down to me for the holiday. Sure. And again I've apologised.
But she is an impulsive person when it comes to buying things and also going to do things etc.

I don't really care about money in a relationship as long as our bills are paid and we are in the black.
I'm sure her personal debt combined with me owing her money is frustrating. I really understand that, I take full responsibility for her frustration hence why I am sticking to my agreement. If our joint account runs over I'll always be the one to top it up. If we need food mid month extra over our budget I buy it.

We are going through a very tough time at the minute and while there are a couple of other things I genuinely think the money is a huge catalyst.
I've considered and am considering a break. But we have a nice life together otherwise so it seems a shame to end it because of the money.

Edited by xjay1337 on Sunday 1st December 11:42

She's taking you for a ride.