The DIY and professional trades c*ck-up confessional
Discussion
First attempt at tiling, decided to use an angle grinder with a stone cutting disc for the cuts I couldn't do with the tile cutter thing I'd bought. Found a disc in the garage that was too big a diameter to fit so took the safety shield thing off. Did a lovely cut on the first tile until I went to set it down and somehow managed to stop the disc with my thumb. Removed a largish lump of flesh, no blood, no pain until it started to heal a few days later.
Never got round to refitting the safety shield just a bit more careful with it.
Losing a finger to bits of machinery runs in my family so hopefully that's as close as I'll get!
Never got round to refitting the safety shield just a bit more careful with it.
Losing a finger to bits of machinery runs in my family so hopefully that's as close as I'll get!
Helping a mate to take down some tatty lap fencing panels into a skip. It was obvious the skip would be too full to take all the panels, so why not set fire to them in he skip I say...... The panels were damp wouldn't light. Why not a drop of petrol......? Mate's wife adds 'some' petrol and lights a match.. the fireball must have gone up 50 feet, mate's wife doesn't need any eyebrow tending for a while and the yellow skip is turning brown quickly. The square guttering is going round in shape and neighbours are out.
We bought some yellow paint, wrong shade, and repainted the skip. I wasn't around when the skip wagon came, but the skip had melted it's way into the tarmac drive, the wagon won the tug of war eventually and the skip shaped mark was there to see for some time in the drive.
As Ed China would say, top tip, don't do any of the above
We bought some yellow paint, wrong shade, and repainted the skip. I wasn't around when the skip wagon came, but the skip had melted it's way into the tarmac drive, the wagon won the tug of war eventually and the skip shaped mark was there to see for some time in the drive.
As Ed China would say, top tip, don't do any of the above
I was making a new desk for a study and as the room had various alcoves and chimney breast to fit around, decided to buy a good length of laminated beech worktop and cut it to shape.
I didn't realise how heavy 3 m of 50mm worktop was and decided to lighten the load by cutting off the unrequited metre of so from one end.
No, I didn't cut it too short ( for once)
It was so big and heavy that I couldn't stick it on a workmate or whatever - so the next best thing would have to do - our nice new 6 seater wooden table in the back garden. Then, with Mrs FBP1 proudly watching her hunter gatherer husband do malny stuff in the garden, I fired up the circular saw and cut straight along the line required.
Sadly, I also cut clean through the table underneath as well as I'd forgotten about that. As the two halves of the table fell different ways, I straightened up and try to ignore the two holes being burnt in my back by her eyes from inside the French windows...
All of these stories however pail into insignificance compared to what one drilling engineer did at Lake Peigneur. He was asked to calculate where a new hole was to be drilled into the bed of the lake and to be careful as there was a working salt mine under part of the lake.
He calculated the co ordinates carefully and then gave the go ahead to start drilling. Sadly he got his decimal point in the wrong place. It's a true story and is now told to young engineers as a reminder to measure twice , cut once ( especially when in a lake).
The video is hysterical.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ddlrGkeOzsI
I didn't realise how heavy 3 m of 50mm worktop was and decided to lighten the load by cutting off the unrequited metre of so from one end.
No, I didn't cut it too short ( for once)
It was so big and heavy that I couldn't stick it on a workmate or whatever - so the next best thing would have to do - our nice new 6 seater wooden table in the back garden. Then, with Mrs FBP1 proudly watching her hunter gatherer husband do malny stuff in the garden, I fired up the circular saw and cut straight along the line required.
Sadly, I also cut clean through the table underneath as well as I'd forgotten about that. As the two halves of the table fell different ways, I straightened up and try to ignore the two holes being burnt in my back by her eyes from inside the French windows...
All of these stories however pail into insignificance compared to what one drilling engineer did at Lake Peigneur. He was asked to calculate where a new hole was to be drilled into the bed of the lake and to be careful as there was a working salt mine under part of the lake.
He calculated the co ordinates carefully and then gave the go ahead to start drilling. Sadly he got his decimal point in the wrong place. It's a true story and is now told to young engineers as a reminder to measure twice , cut once ( especially when in a lake).
The video is hysterical.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ddlrGkeOzsI
First flat and bathroom needed a new carpet. I had the bright idea of taking the old one up and using it as a template for the new one and so laid the new one on top and started to cut. Unfortunately, I had put the carpet pile to pile and so ended up with a complete mirror image of the shape I wanted.
cranford10 said:
First flat and bathroom needed a new carpet. I had the bright idea of taking the old one up and using it as a template for the new one and so laid the new one on top and started to cut. Unfortunately, I had put the carpet pile to pile and so ended up with a complete mirror image of the shape I wanted.
Celing carpet?not on the scale of some of the tales on here, but i did once stand on the workmate my wife had bought me when i was fitting a new front door, and the wooden parts broke and i fell off it and the door landed on me. wooden front doors are bloody heavy 
i have also cut part of my replacement workbench with my circular saw.
although not mine, my dad has done some specials over the years, all the funnier as he was a civil engineer (very polite), he's drilled through a few power cables, but funniest to us is when he glued his fingers together with super glue and tried not to tell us but had to when we asked why he needed us to turn on the taps he got annoyed when we laughed.
he also dropped the gearbox of my escort on his nose, when i was late back from football and he tried to fit it on his own, he went to hospital, i got moaned at and he got stitches (was extra time, cup match).
i have also cut part of my replacement workbench with my circular saw.
although not mine, my dad has done some specials over the years, all the funnier as he was a civil engineer (very polite), he's drilled through a few power cables, but funniest to us is when he glued his fingers together with super glue and tried not to tell us but had to when we asked why he needed us to turn on the taps
he got annoyed when we laughed.he also dropped the gearbox of my escort on his nose, when i was late back from football and he tried to fit it on his own, he went to hospital, i got moaned at and he got stitches (was extra time, cup match).
Ah, the old 'measure one, cut at least twice' syndrome. You'd think I'd have learned by age 41, but I'm still doing it.
Probably the most memorable example of this was a Series 1 Discovery I'd bought and was carrying out a bit of mild restoration work to. The car had a pneumatic mast fitted beside the driver's seat which, once removed and sold, left a 4 inch or so hole in the roof.
As luck would have it, Paddocks or someone similar had a genuine sunroof kit in stock, so £150 later, and I was the proud owner of a brand new, old stock mechanical sunroof.
Fitting instructions seemed simple enough, there was a paper template provided that was to be taped to the roof and cut through.
So, roof carefully measured and template equally carefully taped in place, I drilled a pilot hole and set to with the hand nibbler. After an extraordinarily long time, I made the final cut and the sunroof shaped hole dropped out.
A bit of trimming of the roof lining, and we were ready to drop the sunroof in. Bizarrely, it didn't fit (although in hindsight I shouldn't have been surprised). Further investigation revealed that one of the long edges of the sunroof was curved, so I turned it through 180 degrees and it went in, inch perfect
. So now I have a front opening sunroof, much to the amusement of the wife 
.
Turns out the template had the word "FRONT" written on it in large letters, and no, I hadn't seen it or indeed taped the template down with 'front' at the front of the car.
Anyway, to cut a very tedious afternoon short, after several hours of mindless filing, I managed to modify the opening sufficiently that the sunroof fitted in the correct way around, although in places it was only touching by a couple of millimetres. Copious quantities of clear silicon ensured it didn't leak, and it did me fine for a year until I got rid.
Probably the most memorable example of this was a Series 1 Discovery I'd bought and was carrying out a bit of mild restoration work to. The car had a pneumatic mast fitted beside the driver's seat which, once removed and sold, left a 4 inch or so hole in the roof.
As luck would have it, Paddocks or someone similar had a genuine sunroof kit in stock, so £150 later, and I was the proud owner of a brand new, old stock mechanical sunroof.
Fitting instructions seemed simple enough, there was a paper template provided that was to be taped to the roof and cut through.
So, roof carefully measured and template equally carefully taped in place, I drilled a pilot hole and set to with the hand nibbler. After an extraordinarily long time, I made the final cut and the sunroof shaped hole dropped out.
A bit of trimming of the roof lining, and we were ready to drop the sunroof in. Bizarrely, it didn't fit (although in hindsight I shouldn't have been surprised). Further investigation revealed that one of the long edges of the sunroof was curved, so I turned it through 180 degrees and it went in, inch perfect
. So now I have a front opening sunroof, much to the amusement of the wife .Turns out the template had the word "FRONT" written on it in large letters, and no, I hadn't seen it or indeed taped the template down with 'front' at the front of the car.
Anyway, to cut a very tedious afternoon short, after several hours of mindless filing, I managed to modify the opening sufficiently that the sunroof fitted in the correct way around, although in places it was only touching by a couple of millimetres. Copious quantities of clear silicon ensured it didn't leak, and it did me fine for a year until I got rid.
Edited by Super Slo Mo on Wednesday 10th December 12:12
357RS said:
Many years ago I was helping to set out an off road trials event. Before leaving for the day I put a spare battery on charge in the garden shed.
During the day I used a long handled slashing tool to clear some undergrowth, blunted it quite badly and took it home to sharpen it. I went into the shed, placed the tool in the vice and started on the blade with the angle grinder.
There was a bang; quite a big bang! My first instinctive action was to drop the grinder, I thought that it had shorted.
Opening my eyes brought instant realisation of what I'd done. Of course I'd ignited the hydrogen from the battery which, having been on charge all day, was gassing away furiously.
About half of the battery remained on the work bench, the remainer had left via the shed door and was about 20 feet across the garden. The shed windows above the bench had been blown out and the walls were now an interesting shade of sulphuric acid. The thoughts about what a dummy I'd been didn't last long though.
My habit of wearing gloves and a full face shield when using the grinder had saved my hands and face from a battery acid shower - the top of my head wasn't so lucky.
Hence my neighbour later told me that she thought it highly amusing to see me run up the path, grab the garden hose and give myself a cold shower.
These days that would probably get you a visit from the Police and taken in for questioning about bomb making ...During the day I used a long handled slashing tool to clear some undergrowth, blunted it quite badly and took it home to sharpen it. I went into the shed, placed the tool in the vice and started on the blade with the angle grinder.
There was a bang; quite a big bang! My first instinctive action was to drop the grinder, I thought that it had shorted.
Opening my eyes brought instant realisation of what I'd done. Of course I'd ignited the hydrogen from the battery which, having been on charge all day, was gassing away furiously.
About half of the battery remained on the work bench, the remainer had left via the shed door and was about 20 feet across the garden. The shed windows above the bench had been blown out and the walls were now an interesting shade of sulphuric acid. The thoughts about what a dummy I'd been didn't last long though.
My habit of wearing gloves and a full face shield when using the grinder had saved my hands and face from a battery acid shower - the top of my head wasn't so lucky.
Hence my neighbour later told me that she thought it highly amusing to see me run up the path, grab the garden hose and give myself a cold shower.
boxst said:
357RS said:
Many years ago I was helping to set out an off road trials event. Before leaving for the day I put a spare battery on charge in the garden shed.
During the day I used a long handled slashing tool to clear some undergrowth, blunted it quite badly and took it home to sharpen it. I went into the shed, placed the tool in the vice and started on the blade with the angle grinder.
There was a bang; quite a big bang! My first instinctive action was to drop the grinder, I thought that it had shorted.
Opening my eyes brought instant realisation of what I'd done. Of course I'd ignited the hydrogen from the battery which, having been on charge all day, was gassing away furiously.
About half of the battery remained on the work bench, the remainer had left via the shed door and was about 20 feet across the garden. The shed windows above the bench had been blown out and the walls were now an interesting shade of sulphuric acid. The thoughts about what a dummy I'd been didn't last long though.
My habit of wearing gloves and a full face shield when using the grinder had saved my hands and face from a battery acid shower - the top of my head wasn't so lucky.
Hence my neighbour later told me that she thought it highly amusing to see me run up the path, grab the garden hose and give myself a cold shower.
These days that would probably get you a visit from the Police and taken in for questioning about bomb making ...During the day I used a long handled slashing tool to clear some undergrowth, blunted it quite badly and took it home to sharpen it. I went into the shed, placed the tool in the vice and started on the blade with the angle grinder.
There was a bang; quite a big bang! My first instinctive action was to drop the grinder, I thought that it had shorted.
Opening my eyes brought instant realisation of what I'd done. Of course I'd ignited the hydrogen from the battery which, having been on charge all day, was gassing away furiously.
About half of the battery remained on the work bench, the remainer had left via the shed door and was about 20 feet across the garden. The shed windows above the bench had been blown out and the walls were now an interesting shade of sulphuric acid. The thoughts about what a dummy I'd been didn't last long though.
My habit of wearing gloves and a full face shield when using the grinder had saved my hands and face from a battery acid shower - the top of my head wasn't so lucky.
Hence my neighbour later told me that she thought it highly amusing to see me run up the path, grab the garden hose and give myself a cold shower.
I was not long out of my apprenticeship with British Gas & let loose on the district in my Bedford Rascal. I called to a customer on a 3 Star contract & diagnosed a faulty Honeywell 3-port valve to be the problem. I seemed to remember these valves has "removable heads"...they don't, but I proceeded to remove the metal cover exposing the syncron motor & bits n bobs. At this point I started to remove various screws from the valve body to get the "removable head" off, when I thought I'd removed enough screws I prised off the upper part of the valve leaving the brass body in situ, the result was a geyser of hot central heating water hitting the ceiling & flooding the airing cupboard. I instinctively stuck my hand over the hole to stem the flow but the water was too hot & the pressure too high so I reached for a nearby duvet & wrapped it around the valve, turned off the cold feed & legged it to the van & got a hosepipe on a drain cock pronto. I apologised to the customer and added "no wonder it had stopped working, it was so rotten it fell apart as soon as I touched it"....I'm sure recompense arrangements were made & a lesson was learned for this green as grass Service Engineer.
Always look for the dimple on top 
andySC said:
I was not long out of my apprenticeship with British Gas & let loose on the district in my Bedford Rascal. I called to a customer on a 3 Star contract & diagnosed a faulty Honeywell 3-port valve to be the problem. I seemed to remember these valves has "removable heads"...they don't, but I proceeded to remove the metal cover exposing the syncron motor & bits n bobs. At this point I started to remove various screws from the valve body to get the "removable head" off, when I thought I'd removed enough screws I prised off the upper part of the valve leaving the brass body in situ, the result was a geyser of hot central heating water hitting the ceiling & flooding the airing cupboard. I instinctively stuck my hand over the hole to stem the flow but the water was too hot & the pressure too high so I reached for a nearby duvet & wrapped it around the valve, turned off the cold feed & legged it to the van & got a hosepipe on a drain cock pronto. I apologised to the customer and added "no wonder it had stopped working, it was so rotten it fell apart as soon as I touched it"....I'm sure recompense arrangements were made & a lesson was learned for this green as grass Service Engineer.
Refreshed the hallway with new rad and plumbing, skirting, architraves, floor and coir mat. Pulled out the old top rail and ply board to replace with proper balustrades.
Very pleased with the look.
Oh cock.
The newel post is now permanently adorned with a coat to hide it because where I sit on the sofa on the lounge, that is all I can see! I'll have to pull it all out and do it again as soon as I finished cocking up the bathroom.
Very pleased with the look.
Oh cock.
The newel post is now permanently adorned with a coat to hide it because where I sit on the sofa on the lounge, that is all I can see! I'll have to pull it all out and do it again as soon as I finished cocking up the bathroom.
I was working with my brother to re decorate a house while working on the stairs the old banister on the wall had to come off as it was old and only held on by a couple of screws.
So I decided just to rip the thing off I did this in great fashion and proceed to hit myself right in the nuts some how with it.
I have never felt pain like it I worked on even though the pain just would not go away.
Two days latter I was in curry's getting a TV and the pain just hit me again so I took myself up to the hospital for a check to see if I had done anything. Well I did I was rushed into surgery as I had managed to twist one of my testicles from the force of the impact
I had to take 2 weeks off due to me being to lazy to go and get a screwdriver!!
So I decided just to rip the thing off I did this in great fashion and proceed to hit myself right in the nuts some how with it.
I have never felt pain like it I worked on even though the pain just would not go away.
Two days latter I was in curry's getting a TV and the pain just hit me again so I took myself up to the hospital for a check to see if I had done anything. Well I did I was rushed into surgery as I had managed to twist one of my testicles from the force of the impact
I had to take 2 weeks off due to me being to lazy to go and get a screwdriver!!Origin Unknown said:
Refreshed the hallway with new rad and plumbing, skirting, architraves, floor and coir mat. Pulled out the old top rail and ply board to replace with proper balustrades.
Very pleased with the look.
Oh cock.
The newel post is now permanently adorned with a coat to hide it because where I sit on the sofa on the lounge, that is all I can see! I'll have to pull it all out and do it again as soon as I finished cocking up the bathroom.
I'm not happy with the way the skirting board butts up to the stair string like that eitherVery pleased with the look.
Oh cock.
The newel post is now permanently adorned with a coat to hide it because where I sit on the sofa on the lounge, that is all I can see! I'll have to pull it all out and do it again as soon as I finished cocking up the bathroom.
Can you put a shoe rack up against it or something?I'd remove the last post; the gap will be a bit wider but it won't look so odd.
wolfracesonic said:
I'm not happy with the way the skirting board butts up to the stair string like that either
That does look wrong - fit a new piece of skirting with an angle to suit, or cut the stair side back a bit.I was replacing coil pack, injectors and spark plug leads on my R53 cooper S, hadn't disconnected the battery. so lifted the fuel rail out and had coils and plug leads fitted apart from one which was loose on the engine. desperate for a piss I run off to the toilet. my dad comes out and decides to start engine to put radio on, cue massive engine fire.
Forget DIY.
After a rather heavy party night, many moons ago, I was installing some bookcases in Kidlington one Saturday morning with me mate who had been at the party also.
Loaded the van at work, with tools etc and set off.
It was in the early days of when mobile phones took off (around 1998) and on the way to the job we stopped at a cafe for some breakfast as we both felt pretty much under the weather. Low and behold as soon as we sat down my new phone rang, I noticed it was the office and as we were already late I ignored it. Hurried the breakfast and carried on the next twenty plus miles to install the furniture. We had just arrived outside the property and introduced ourselves to the client, then my phone rang again. This time I answered it.
'Where are you?' 'We are here onsite just arrived, the traffic was bad'.
Great well that's good, everything ok with the customer? Yep. 'Great'. Van drive ok? Yep. 'You got all the tools you require for the job?'. Yep, I replied. (I'm now starting to wonder what's the reason for the call). So the vans ok, the tools are ok, the customers ok? Yep. I'm looking at all my tools in the back of the van and starting to get really nervous now.
Well, came the reply. Glad the van and the tools are ok etc etc ...... Can you now turn around and come back and pick up the massive big peice of f
king furniture so you can install it.
We'd forgotton to load the damn bookcases.
30 miles to the job, 30 miles back, and we had to do it twice. It became very long day.
After a rather heavy party night, many moons ago, I was installing some bookcases in Kidlington one Saturday morning with me mate who had been at the party also.
Loaded the van at work, with tools etc and set off.
It was in the early days of when mobile phones took off (around 1998) and on the way to the job we stopped at a cafe for some breakfast as we both felt pretty much under the weather. Low and behold as soon as we sat down my new phone rang, I noticed it was the office and as we were already late I ignored it. Hurried the breakfast and carried on the next twenty plus miles to install the furniture. We had just arrived outside the property and introduced ourselves to the client, then my phone rang again. This time I answered it.
'Where are you?' 'We are here onsite just arrived, the traffic was bad'.
Great well that's good, everything ok with the customer? Yep. 'Great'. Van drive ok? Yep. 'You got all the tools you require for the job?'. Yep, I replied. (I'm now starting to wonder what's the reason for the call). So the vans ok, the tools are ok, the customers ok? Yep. I'm looking at all my tools in the back of the van and starting to get really nervous now.
Well, came the reply. Glad the van and the tools are ok etc etc ...... Can you now turn around and come back and pick up the massive big peice of f
king furniture so you can install it.We'd forgotton to load the damn bookcases.
30 miles to the job, 30 miles back, and we had to do it twice. It became very long day.
Edited by Wozy68 on Saturday 13th December 13:35
wolfracesonic said:
I'm not happy with the way the skirting board butts up to the stair string like that either Can you put a shoe rack up against it or something?
I umm'd and ahh'd about cutting the skirting to wrap around the stair string and decided it would look s Can you put a shoe rack up against it or something?t. Wife said my way would look s
t. Damn you for supporting her view* *You're both right
Gassing Station | Homes, Gardens and DIY | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff