Relationship ramble...any input?

Relationship ramble...any input?

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designforlife

Original Poster:

3,734 posts

162 months

Friday 2nd December 2016
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I'm 32, I've been with a girl for the last 2 years, she's 30. We met through snowboarding, and literally could not have more in common...never really argue, and always have a laugh together, i've had a few long term relationships, and the connection we share eclipses all of those significantly.

Here's the rub, she works in theatre, so when touring, has been away for weeks at a time, however she makes every effort to come and see me, and vice versa. so we still manage to see each other most weekends...i won't deny it's made for tough going at my end at times.

I always accepted this because she's the "right" girl for me, and over the course of the last couple of years i've emotionally invested in her considerably.

As the relationship progressed she has talked about getting out of theatre, and we actually went to a nursing college open day back in september, this was under no pressure from me, and was a decision made by her.

We also talked and decided to start saving for a place together around 4 months back.

Basically everything has been going really well...until 3 weeks ago.


We had a minor argument when i visited her on tour, i hadn't seen her for a few weeks, and got a little emotional due to a couple of issues we had about her going out all night and AWOL on text messages until 5/6am...a relatively new habit.

I felt better for getting it out, and we seemed to resolve things, but then over the coming days and weeks she became distant and busier, and just wasnt her usual self...she maintained that i had "spooked" her by getting upset, and she assured me she would be ok.

This steadily gets worse, we see each other on the weekends but it becomes apparent that shes burying her head in the sand about whatevers bothering her, and throwing herself into her work, fully walled up, won't really engage when i try to talk to her.

This week (her final one on tour) she has finally started addressing things, and slowly opening up...it turns out that she's been having a major commitment freakout over our future plans, and also in her feelings for me, apparently i'm more emotionally invested than her and shes confused about her feelings/doesn't know what she wants, she feels like she hasn't been totally honest with herself and has been doing things in the relationship to make me happy rather than herself...she says she still loves me, whatever that counts for.

so timescale wise things have gone from fine to fked in 3 short weeks. I'm in shellshock, she's one of the most straightforward and upfront people i've ever met, doesn't play games, and isn't emotionally driven in times of stress...this is all way out of character, and i honestly didn't see it coming.

She was a little emotionally cagey at the start of the relationship, but settled naturally and i've never at any moment thought that she has been false with me in terms of her feelings...and in terms of future commitments, i never pressed things, it came from her too.

I've had two 5 year+ long term relationships, so i'm no stranger to the usual ups and downs, but i can't help feeling she's trying to cut and run for no obvious reason.

Any thoughts or personal experiences?

We are seeing each other this weekend and hopefully i'll find out which direction this is going (feels like 1 of 2 ways really), whatever happens, the landscape of the relationship will change, and i'll have to set aside our previous plans if we are to see how it goes. I don't want to lose her, but i'm all too aware of the folly of staying in a relationship that's going nowhere.





Morningside

24,110 posts

228 months

Friday 2nd December 2016
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Has she just been in a relationship just before she met you? Also it sounds like she has met someone she loves (as she says) and just wants to have fun without all the hangups and commitments.

Maybe you should just enjoy yourselves and see how things develop rather than forcing the issue.

And DO NOT start getting into your mind that there is something funny or suspect or seeing someone on the quiet as that 99.9999% will not be the case and if you start down this road of thinking it WILL tear you apart and ruin what seems like a happy life.

Added: It is going somewhere...just give her time.

How do I know these things? Because I am there right now. Started a relationship after 25+ years of being with my late wife and the emotions that has given me are intense. From happy, sad, depressed, worried and elated! We are now living together and I could not be happier.

I did say to her at the start as she was coming out of a very bad relationship. I want this to be an honest and open (not in that way!) relationship and I would rather you told me something that I don't want to hear rather than keep it secret.

Edited by Morningside on Friday 2nd December 10:06

designforlife

Original Poster:

3,734 posts

162 months

Friday 2nd December 2016
quotequote all
She has had one prior 2.5 year relationship, but admits they were more like best friends, they toured together so it was quite easy going i guess. That ended a good year or two before we met.

other than that, not any others, she's been living the touring life for 10 years, so everything in her life is short term and temporary (many flings and one nighters no doubt), i'm the first thing to come along and change that...which she always seemed grateful for, she says she hasn't been in a relationship thats "going places" before.

I can see it's been hard for her to admit all this to me, and shes clearly wrestling with it behind the scenes.

I don't want to lose her, but i also don't want to put another year or two into a relationship that has reached its glass ceiling for one of us.






Toyoda

1,557 posts

99 months

Friday 2nd December 2016
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designforlife said:


...it turns out that she's been having a major commitment freakout over our future plans, and also in her feelings for me, apparently i'm more emotionally invested than her and shes confused about her feelings/doesn't know what she wants, she feels like she hasn't been totally honest with herself and has been doing things in the relationship to make me happy rather than herself...she says she still loves me, whatever that counts for.
designforlife said:

.........I don't want to lose her, but i'm all too aware of the folly of staying in a relationship that's going nowhere.
To me, these are the 2 key points of it all. When a girl tells you she 'doesn't know what she wants' then it's clear she does know what she wants, and that's not to be with you any longer. Of course, she's too kind to come out and tell you this so this is her way of saying it. The fact you're growing apart and she's enjoying mad nights out just backs up her desire to be free again. Of course she still loves you, as you do her. Most relationship break ups still end in each person loving the other.

Thankfully the second quote above shows you're no mug and I imagine it's dawning on you that things can't stay the way they are. Good luck with your discussions with her this weekend. Just don't let her keep stalling you for time, saying she doesn't know what she wants etc, cos after your time together, she owes you better than that.

Bad time of year for all this, but TBH there's never a good time!


designforlife

Original Poster:

3,734 posts

162 months

Friday 2nd December 2016
quotequote all
Yeah i'm pretty eyes open about it all, just hugely disappointed that its come to this so suddenly.

We may be able to salvage things, but until she's decided what she wants that's going to be tricky. I've got no good reason to cut and run without giving it a few more weeks at least, i care for her enough to give us that chance. but equally i'm not going to let myself get mugged off.

hornetrider

63,161 posts

204 months

Friday 2nd December 2016
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Sounds like this monkey has another tree.

Toyoda

1,557 posts

99 months

Friday 2nd December 2016
quotequote all
Quite right, maybe this is more of a wobble than the end, but it's clearly raised some doubts. It's interesting to read your second post saying she's always been a free spirit, probably had plenty one night stands, as in my experience these types of girls tend to end up being the most loyal and keen to 'settle down' as they get older, as opposed to the goody two shoes types who have always been in relationships and end up rebelling in later life.

Having said that, I presume it's entered your mind that she may have met someone else 'on tour'. May explain the sudden turnaround in 3 weeks?

Trophy Husband

3,924 posts

106 months

Friday 2nd December 2016
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My ex wife worked in the music industry and toured the world with big bands. Note the word ex. Started like you, turned into a nightmare. She had a great time and I didn't. What happens on tour, stays on tour.

Harry H

3,379 posts

155 months

Friday 2nd December 2016
quotequote all
Going awol, suddenly distant... there's someone else on the scene. Isn't ready to talk to you about it yet as she's unsure if it'll go the distance. Might just be a fling.

I'm surprised it hasn't been mentioned yet.

designforlife

Original Poster:

3,734 posts

162 months

Friday 2nd December 2016
quotequote all
hornetrider said:
Sounds like this monkey has another tree.
It's possible, but unlikely, her moral standards regarding this are pretty high...I'm not saying she's infallible, but shes been cheated on a few times and absolutely abhors it. I've never had trust issues with her, or been given any reason to.

johnwilliams77

8,308 posts

102 months

Friday 2nd December 2016
quotequote all
designforlife said:
It's possible, but unlikely, her moral standards regarding this are pretty high...I'm not saying she's infallible, but shes been cheated on a few times and absolutely abhors it. I've never had trust issues with her, or been given any reason to.
Of course you don't think it's likely but booze does funny things. I don't think I could be with someone with this type of set up. Good luck.

designforlife

Original Poster:

3,734 posts

162 months

Friday 2nd December 2016
quotequote all
Also i asked her about this straight out, and she said there hasn't been...at this stage she has no real reason to lie about it. And i have no basis or reason not to trust that answer.

johnwilliams77

8,308 posts

102 months

Friday 2nd December 2016
quotequote all
designforlife said:
Also i asked her about this straight out, and she said there hasn't been...at this stage she has no real reason to lie about it. And i have no basis or reason not to trust that answer.
They never admit it straight away, some never even admit it until they are caught. You do have a basis...the fact that her behavior has totally changed, she's stopped answering texts and started to drink really late and ....become distant.

designforlife

Original Poster:

3,734 posts

162 months

Friday 2nd December 2016
quotequote all
oh she's always stayed out really late, it's part of the culture of stage crew...ironically on the nights she went awol she was staying up until 6/7am with her mates playing PS4. it's only recently she got a bit crap at communication...fell into the tour bubble a bit compared to usual.


She's not your typical girl, and thats one of the things i love about her.

Wacky Racer

38,099 posts

246 months

Friday 2nd December 2016
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No point playing guessing games.

Have it out with her, (In a non confrontational manner).....it's still early days in your relationship.

I had a similar wobble with Mrs WR after three weeks.....thirty six years later we are still happily married.

Toyoda

1,557 posts

99 months

Friday 2nd December 2016
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The more you say, the more it appears she wants to have her cake and eat it i.e. no real intention of leaving the stage as she clearly enjoys it and the freedom it affords her, but at the same time likes the stability of having Steady Eddie waiting for her at home as well. Of course, no problem in that if you're happy with the arrangements, but it sounds like you're more at the wanting to settle down stage and she ain't, and things are coming to a head.

Sheets Tabuer

18,897 posts

214 months

Friday 2nd December 2016
quotequote all
My ex started seeing me less and less always with an excuse and became more and more distant before she decided we were not together.

Would have been nice if she told me but hey at least everyone else knew.

She's gonna end it.

designforlife

Original Poster:

3,734 posts

162 months

Friday 2nd December 2016
quotequote all
Toyoda said:
The more you say, the more it appears she wants to have her cake and eat it i.e. no real intention of leaving the stage as she clearly enjoys it and the freedom it affords her, but at the same time likes the stability of having Steady Eddie waiting for her at home as well. Of course, no problem in that if you're happy with the arrangements, but it sounds like you're more at the wanting to settle down stage and she ain't, and things are coming to a head.
i'm inclined to agree, it may be that a few weeks off tour at home at her parents steady things out, this is her 4th tour since we've been together, and by far and away her most intense and enjoyable one. It's definitely marking a bit of a change in her.


PAUL500

2,627 posts

245 months

Friday 2nd December 2016
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Men are from Mars etc, you are trying to rationalise her actions as if she was another bloke, the female of the species does not operate that way, and don't even realise it themselves.

She is signalling you its the end of the road without actually telling you, it eases their conscience more that you are the one that brings it to a head.

Pull this thread back up in a couple of months, I am afraid to say its highly unlikely you will still be a couple and looking back the signals will then have been as clear as day to you.

Been there, seen the film, read the book, lived the denial, learned from the experience, hope you do the same.

Toyoda

1,557 posts

99 months

Friday 2nd December 2016
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It's cards on the table time then. At 32 and 30 you're not teenagers so no reason why after 2 years you shouldn't be talking about what you want out of life - buying a house/marriage/kids etc... if you haven't already discussed these.

If she starts spouting womanese like 'I'm so confused' etc then you know what to do.