Flymo safe toads
Discussion
Following the success of last years ‘money grows on trees’ pension fund campaign, and another miserly contractors day rate rise (sometimes I wonder if HR lives in a world where surrey mansions pay for themselves), it is now time to raise the curtain on this year’s get rich quick plan, sorry, …..fabulous investment opportunity…..
The flymo safe toad - At a bargain price for all Pistonheads
I've been secretly growing toads in my back garden for a number of years, slowly and patiently studying the little critters and working out how to make them breed and grow. They come from tadpoles you know, which in turn comes from frogspawn, which as we all know was the main ingredient in school lunches of the 1970’s. So having secured a bulk order of local council semolina, I set to work on breeding toads.
The secret to growing toads turns out not to be frogspawn or even getting rid of next doors cat (top tip - use a field mouse stuck to some really sticky paper). The secret was of all things a rope ladder dangling into my garden pond that allowed the baby toads to climb out once they’d grown some legs.
With the rope ladder installed, I've had a crop of approximately 6,000 toads each spring for the last few years. The estimate is based on counting the number of toads in a square meter and then multiplying by the area of the garden, not by counting every single one as that would be stupid.
There were only two problems, both of which I've now solved. The first problem was the big bugger toads; the one’s about the size of a fist that would fight back when you try to put them in an envelope to post to a prospective toad buyer, and the second problem was cutting the grass. Once the grass grew a bit and I was sent out to cut it I ended up with only a few toads left.
However, I noticed an unexpected phenomena last year, which has been confirmed this year. The toads have evolved! It now appears that the toads I grow in my back garden are letterbox friendly AND have a built in reflex action to duck every time they hear a flymo. It’s quite incredible; you can be out there getting the flymo ready, with thousands of tiny eyes poking up from the grass looking at you, but as soon as you turn it on they all hit the deck.
I’m going to sell them now as flymo safe toads. So confident am I of this great idea that I’ll even offer a money back guarantee for any that are returned decapitated (both parts of the toad need to be returned for a refund to be valid).
I was going to suggest to my next door neighbour (the one that used to have the cat) that he become a business partner, but he’s been very confused lately as to why his swimming pool is infested with big bugger fighting toads that can be occasionally seen flying over the wall from my garden – I told him I wasn’t throwing them over but that they’re just very good jumpers.
Just for clarity please don't forward this business idea to anyone who is a raving animal lover. I was stalked for several months last year by a crazy woman who had a go at me for threatening to peel my daughters pet dragon. She just didn’t understand that Watchstrap was only a pretend name for him!
The flymo safe toad - At a bargain price for all Pistonheads
I've been secretly growing toads in my back garden for a number of years, slowly and patiently studying the little critters and working out how to make them breed and grow. They come from tadpoles you know, which in turn comes from frogspawn, which as we all know was the main ingredient in school lunches of the 1970’s. So having secured a bulk order of local council semolina, I set to work on breeding toads.
The secret to growing toads turns out not to be frogspawn or even getting rid of next doors cat (top tip - use a field mouse stuck to some really sticky paper). The secret was of all things a rope ladder dangling into my garden pond that allowed the baby toads to climb out once they’d grown some legs.
With the rope ladder installed, I've had a crop of approximately 6,000 toads each spring for the last few years. The estimate is based on counting the number of toads in a square meter and then multiplying by the area of the garden, not by counting every single one as that would be stupid.
There were only two problems, both of which I've now solved. The first problem was the big bugger toads; the one’s about the size of a fist that would fight back when you try to put them in an envelope to post to a prospective toad buyer, and the second problem was cutting the grass. Once the grass grew a bit and I was sent out to cut it I ended up with only a few toads left.
However, I noticed an unexpected phenomena last year, which has been confirmed this year. The toads have evolved! It now appears that the toads I grow in my back garden are letterbox friendly AND have a built in reflex action to duck every time they hear a flymo. It’s quite incredible; you can be out there getting the flymo ready, with thousands of tiny eyes poking up from the grass looking at you, but as soon as you turn it on they all hit the deck.
I’m going to sell them now as flymo safe toads. So confident am I of this great idea that I’ll even offer a money back guarantee for any that are returned decapitated (both parts of the toad need to be returned for a refund to be valid).
I was going to suggest to my next door neighbour (the one that used to have the cat) that he become a business partner, but he’s been very confused lately as to why his swimming pool is infested with big bugger fighting toads that can be occasionally seen flying over the wall from my garden – I told him I wasn’t throwing them over but that they’re just very good jumpers.
Just for clarity please don't forward this business idea to anyone who is a raving animal lover. I was stalked for several months last year by a crazy woman who had a go at me for threatening to peel my daughters pet dragon. She just didn’t understand that Watchstrap was only a pretend name for him!
Lorneg said:
TwigtheWonderkid said:
Toad tadpoles come from frogspawn!!!! I hate to tell you, but they really don't. The clue about what comes from frogspawn is in the first 5 letters of the word.
Toads, frogs, they all the same things; little green critters that jump aboutHooli said:
.
So OP, if you need more stock PM me
Definitely not! I've been trying to get rid of them everywhere I can think of. My last solution is to put them in envelopes and post them to random addresses. I was thinking of starting with the major political parties and then just working my way through the telephone book.So OP, if you need more stock PM me
Dunno about growing Toads, sounds like the OP has been licking them:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychoactive_toad
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychoactive_toad
Our cat, has a habit of leaving natterjacks half eaten in the garden, for the dog to find. She really hates him.
Still, I'm sure someone in PE back in the 80's had a go at Toad Cricket whilst MR HardFacedt
t, the PE Nazi, was ballocking someone on another pitch for Not "Playing the White Man"
I may have been on the other pitch attempting BODYLINE bowling at a little st who had tried to bully me, some years earlier.
Still, I'm sure someone in PE back in the 80's had a go at Toad Cricket whilst MR HardFacedt
t, the PE Nazi, was ballocking someone on another pitch for Not "Playing the White Man" I may have been on the other pitch attempting BODYLINE bowling at a little s
t who had tried to bully me, some years earlier. Gassing Station | All Creatures Great & Small | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff