Not bonding with my dog (and vice versa?)
Discussion
My fiancée and I adopted young Buddy about two months ago.
He's around a year old, we think corgi/lab cross. He's a really nice dog - very good natured and pretty well behaved most of the time, but for some reason I can't seem to 'connect' with him...
He comes to work with me most days and generally sits in his bed behind my desk, so we're rarely apart, but I don't really get any sense of bonding between us. We get on well, and I definitely like him, but I can't say I love him and neither can I say whether he particularly likes/understands me.
My old dog, Monty, was pretty much my best friend until he died a couple of years ago - am I expecting too much from my Buddy? Are some dogs just not as happy to see you/affectionate as others?
To cut a long-winded post short, how long can it take to form a bond with one's dog (if ever)?
He's around a year old, we think corgi/lab cross. He's a really nice dog - very good natured and pretty well behaved most of the time, but for some reason I can't seem to 'connect' with him...
He comes to work with me most days and generally sits in his bed behind my desk, so we're rarely apart, but I don't really get any sense of bonding between us. We get on well, and I definitely like him, but I can't say I love him and neither can I say whether he particularly likes/understands me.
My old dog, Monty, was pretty much my best friend until he died a couple of years ago - am I expecting too much from my Buddy? Are some dogs just not as happy to see you/affectionate as others?
To cut a long-winded post short, how long can it take to form a bond with one's dog (if ever)?
We adopted our dog 4 years ago. It took a good year for us to bond with him properly and him to take notice of us and get into a routine. It just all seemed to click into place after we came back from a week away with my parents in the Isle Of White with him.
2 months isnt long, give it time and you will bond.
2 months isnt long, give it time and you will bond.
Some dogs by their nature are not very excitable to see you, etc as you might expect.
How did you choose him? What made you want to take him home?
2 months isn't long to bond with a dog.
If you made friends with a human, would you expect to really know and trust them in that time? I think not.
Give the little guy some more time.
How did you choose him? What made you want to take him home?
2 months isn't long to bond with a dog.
If you made friends with a human, would you expect to really know and trust them in that time? I think not.
Give the little guy some more time.
If I am totally honest, with some of my dogs it has been instant, with others it has taken time.
I found it quite difficult to bond with Sam and Jet, for instance. Before we adopted them, we had lost a dog that I'd had for 8 years in very traumatic circumstances, and I don't think I allowed myself enough time to grieve for her. On top of this, Sam and Jet were quite hard work (not their fault, they were only young). It is only really since they have grown up (and calmed down
) that I have bonded with them. Plus Sam had a serious health scare not long ago, and we thought we might lose him. That made me realise how much he meant to me. I wouldn't recommend that as a bonding method(!) but as others have said, give it time.
I found it quite difficult to bond with Sam and Jet, for instance. Before we adopted them, we had lost a dog that I'd had for 8 years in very traumatic circumstances, and I don't think I allowed myself enough time to grieve for her. On top of this, Sam and Jet were quite hard work (not their fault, they were only young). It is only really since they have grown up (and calmed down
) that I have bonded with them. Plus Sam had a serious health scare not long ago, and we thought we might lose him. That made me realise how much he meant to me. I wouldn't recommend that as a bonding method(!) but as others have said, give it time.I had major guilt over not feeling the same connection with Bryn as I did with my last dog Jimmy.
We lost Jimmy age only 9 to a degenerative disease. I felt very angry, very upset and very guilty that even as a vet nurse I was pretty much helpless to do anything for him and we were robbed of the several years I totally expected to have him with us for. This hit me very hard, not only was he just a fantastic dog he was amazing with my young son.
Six months later I thought I felt ready for a new four legged friend (for our son aswell) initially it felt great and went well but as he got older I had a few niggles re: his training/ behaviour (he is a bit more 'needy') but he was fantastic with our son and a lovely character, so I couldn't understand why I seemed a bit disconnected with him. I have realised in the last couple months that Bryn is Bryn, not Jimmy, Bryn is a loving boy and has many great qualities and I think I have finally found that connection (that final missing link) which makes me feel so much happier.
So basically after that rather drawn out post the point is, I think you just need more time, do everything right by him as you are already and it will come in time (but it maybe a few months) and even now you would worry if he got ill so there is a connection
Eta Moorx I did not read your post until after I'd done mine, spookily similar.
We lost Jimmy age only 9 to a degenerative disease. I felt very angry, very upset and very guilty that even as a vet nurse I was pretty much helpless to do anything for him and we were robbed of the several years I totally expected to have him with us for. This hit me very hard, not only was he just a fantastic dog he was amazing with my young son.
Six months later I thought I felt ready for a new four legged friend (for our son aswell) initially it felt great and went well but as he got older I had a few niggles re: his training/ behaviour (he is a bit more 'needy') but he was fantastic with our son and a lovely character, so I couldn't understand why I seemed a bit disconnected with him. I have realised in the last couple months that Bryn is Bryn, not Jimmy, Bryn is a loving boy and has many great qualities and I think I have finally found that connection (that final missing link) which makes me feel so much happier.
So basically after that rather drawn out post the point is, I think you just need more time, do everything right by him as you are already and it will come in time (but it maybe a few months) and even now you would worry if he got ill so there is a connection
Eta Moorx I did not read your post until after I'd done mine, spookily similar.
Edited by bexVN on Saturday 15th August 00:06
I mean this in the nicest possible way, but maybe the issue here is you, in terms of what you expect from a pet and your relationship with it.
If, for example, you're the type of person who expects perfection out of the can, perhaps a rescue from uncertain and maybe troubled circumstances is not the dog for you.
If, for example, you're the type of person who expects perfection out of the can, perhaps a rescue from uncertain and maybe troubled circumstances is not the dog for you.
I've had my cats 8 years and bloody hate them. Leg weaving w
kers. And they despise me. They trip me up when they're hungry and look at me with that "If I were bigger or you were smaller, I'd rip your fking throat out" look the rest of the time.
Still, what can you do. Only another 10 yrs or or so before they croak. Unless I go first.
My last cat I had 18 yrs and she was bloody ace. Luck of the draw I guess.
kers. And they despise me. They trip me up when they're hungry and look at me with that "If I were bigger or you were smaller, I'd rip your fking throat out" look the rest of the time.Still, what can you do. Only another 10 yrs or or so before they croak. Unless I go first.
My last cat I had 18 yrs and she was bloody ace. Luck of the draw I guess.
Bonding takes time and sometimes, a bit of thought... I lost my beloved dog (Leo) suddenly 4 years ago and when we got Chester, he was sort of meant to be Leo mk2. Really not fair on the poor mutt. It took me a while to realise that Chester is Chester and will never replace anyone else and nor should he. I guess I felt guilty about getting another dog (although we already had my lab Phoebe) as though it was, disloyal.
Of course, with a bit of thought on the matter I realised that getting another dog doesn't replace the previous one, nor does it diminish the love you felt for him, but it did make his passing easier.
Chester is a 'challenging' dog whereas Leo was absolutely perfect (seriously - the best dog ever) and to expect any other mutt to live up to that was stupid. It took me a while to bond with Chester but now I honestly wouldn't be without him no matter what. He still irritates me on occasion when he plays up but, that's just him.
I reckon it took me six months to really 'fall' for him but that was okay as he had his Mummy who adored him. You can't rush it and worrying about won't help. It just happens and one day you realise that the little bugger has insinuated himself into your heart and he's there to stay. It sounds like you've got yourself a cracking mutt there for him to be so well behaved so early.
Give it time and don't worry about it.
Of course, with a bit of thought on the matter I realised that getting another dog doesn't replace the previous one, nor does it diminish the love you felt for him, but it did make his passing easier.
Chester is a 'challenging' dog whereas Leo was absolutely perfect (seriously - the best dog ever) and to expect any other mutt to live up to that was stupid. It took me a while to bond with Chester but now I honestly wouldn't be without him no matter what. He still irritates me on occasion when he plays up but, that's just him.
I reckon it took me six months to really 'fall' for him but that was okay as he had his Mummy who adored him. You can't rush it and worrying about won't help. It just happens and one day you realise that the little bugger has insinuated himself into your heart and he's there to stay. It sounds like you've got yourself a cracking mutt there for him to be so well behaved so early.
Give it time and don't worry about it.
Like others have said, sometimes it can take time. Even if your dog looks physically healthy their could be non physical things there. Maybe he's been beaten in the past and he's wary of new people. Maybe he's just not quite sure of his surroundings. Maybe he's wondering why you're feeding him instead of chasing him away or shouting at him.
When I got this dog he really didn't like me at all :
For the first few weeks he was clearly not happy being near me... he always chose to stay in the corner of the room or behind the sofa as much as he could. My other rescue dog was helping a bit... he bonded with her quite quickly and he then started following her around all day.
Dogs are good at adapting though. They realise you're now feeding for them, you're caring for them and you're making sure they're safe. Its just some take longer than others. And once he's more affectionate with you its easier the other way too.
Heres that dog right now, I'm lying in my bed:
![](http://thumbsnap.com/sc/NFFqvT2t.jpg[/img]</a> <a href="http://thumbsnap.com/WjHscPaD" Target="_blank">[img]http://thumbsnap.com/sc/WjHscPaD.png[/img]</a> <a href="http://thumbsnap.com/WjHscPaD" Target="_blank">[img]http://thumbsnap.com/sc/WjHscPaD.png)
When I'm at home he simply refuses to be in a different room to me. If I go outside for a break, he comes with me. If I go to the toilet he'll need to come also. If I've got people over and need to close the door then he'll lie on the floor outside until I come back out
If I'm at my desk he'll sleep on my feet. If I'm in bed his usual preferred place is under the covers and lying on my legs. He's basically a different dog to the one that was given to me.
I would stick with what you have, its just going to take more time. I guess within a couple of months you're going to have a dog thats way more loyal than one you've brought up from a puppy yourself. They don't really know any different... humans give them food and thats pretty much it. I think if you gave my 'pet' dog a biscuit she'd quite happily go off with you on a lead, no problems. No way my rescues would... if i'm not going then they ain't going either. The rescues also seem the ones happiest to see me when I come home every day!
When I got this dog he really didn't like me at all :
For the first few weeks he was clearly not happy being near me... he always chose to stay in the corner of the room or behind the sofa as much as he could. My other rescue dog was helping a bit... he bonded with her quite quickly and he then started following her around all day.
Dogs are good at adapting though. They realise you're now feeding for them, you're caring for them and you're making sure they're safe. Its just some take longer than others. And once he's more affectionate with you its easier the other way too.
Heres that dog right now, I'm lying in my bed:
When I'm at home he simply refuses to be in a different room to me. If I go outside for a break, he comes with me. If I go to the toilet he'll need to come also. If I've got people over and need to close the door then he'll lie on the floor outside until I come back out
If I'm at my desk he'll sleep on my feet. If I'm in bed his usual preferred place is under the covers and lying on my legs. He's basically a different dog to the one that was given to me.I would stick with what you have, its just going to take more time. I guess within a couple of months you're going to have a dog thats way more loyal than one you've brought up from a puppy yourself. They don't really know any different... humans give them food and thats pretty much it. I think if you gave my 'pet' dog a biscuit she'd quite happily go off with you on a lead, no problems. No way my rescues would... if i'm not going then they ain't going either. The rescues also seem the ones happiest to see me when I come home every day!
KFC said:
Like others have said, sometimes it can take time. Even if your dog looks physically healthy their could be non physical things there. Maybe he's been beaten in the past and he's wary of new people. Maybe he's just not quite sure of his surroundings. Maybe he's wondering why you're feeding him instead of chasing him away or shouting at him.
When I got this dog he really didn't like me at all :
For the first few weeks he was clearly not happy being near me... he always chose to stay in the corner of the room or behind the sofa as much as he could. My other rescue dog was helping a bit... he bonded with her quite quickly and he then started following her around all day.
Dogs are good at adapting though. They realise you're now feeding for them, you're caring for them and you're making sure they're safe. Its just some take longer than others. And once he's more affectionate with you its easier the other way too.
Heres that dog right now, I'm lying in my bed:
When I'm at home he simply refuses to be in a different room to me. If I go outside for a break, he comes with me. If I go to the toilet he'll need to come also. If I've got people over and need to close the door then he'll lie on the floor outside until I come back out If I'm at my desk he'll sleep on my feet. If I'm in bed his usual preferred place is under the covers and lying on my legs. He's basically a different dog to the one that was given to me.
I would stick with what you have, its just going to take more time. I guess within a couple of months you're going to have a dog thats way more loyal than one you've brought up from a puppy yourself. They don't really know any different... humans give them food and thats pretty much it. I think if you gave my 'pet' dog a biscuit she'd quite happily go off with you on a lead, no problems. No way my rescues would... if i'm not going then they ain't going either. The rescues also seem the ones happiest to see me when I come home every day!
Wow. Just wow. What a difference.When I got this dog he really didn't like me at all :
For the first few weeks he was clearly not happy being near me... he always chose to stay in the corner of the room or behind the sofa as much as he could. My other rescue dog was helping a bit... he bonded with her quite quickly and he then started following her around all day.
Dogs are good at adapting though. They realise you're now feeding for them, you're caring for them and you're making sure they're safe. Its just some take longer than others. And once he's more affectionate with you its easier the other way too.
Heres that dog right now, I'm lying in my bed:
When I'm at home he simply refuses to be in a different room to me. If I go outside for a break, he comes with me. If I go to the toilet he'll need to come also. If I've got people over and need to close the door then he'll lie on the floor outside until I come back out
If I'm at my desk he'll sleep on my feet. If I'm in bed his usual preferred place is under the covers and lying on my legs. He's basically a different dog to the one that was given to me.I would stick with what you have, its just going to take more time. I guess within a couple of months you're going to have a dog thats way more loyal than one you've brought up from a puppy yourself. They don't really know any different... humans give them food and thats pretty much it. I think if you gave my 'pet' dog a biscuit she'd quite happily go off with you on a lead, no problems. No way my rescues would... if i'm not going then they ain't going either. The rescues also seem the ones happiest to see me when I come home every day!
KFC said:
Like others have said, sometimes it can take time. Even if your dog looks physically healthy their could be non physical things there. Maybe he's been beaten in the past and he's wary of new people. Maybe he's just not quite sure of his surroundings. Maybe he's wondering why you're feeding him instead of chasing him away or shouting at him.
When I got this dog he really didn't like me at all :
For the first few weeks he was clearly not happy being near me... he always chose to stay in the corner of the room or behind the sofa as much as he could. My other rescue dog was helping a bit... he bonded with her quite quickly and he then started following her around all day.
Dogs are good at adapting though. They realise you're now feeding for them, you're caring for them and you're making sure they're safe. Its just some take longer than others. And once he's more affectionate with you its easier the other way too.
Heres that dog right now, I'm lying in my bed:
When I'm at home he simply refuses to be in a different room to me. If I go outside for a break, he comes with me. If I go to the toilet he'll need to come also. If I've got people over and need to close the door then he'll lie on the floor outside until I come back out If I'm at my desk he'll sleep on my feet. If I'm in bed his usual preferred place is under the covers and lying on my legs. He's basically a different dog to the one that was given to me.
I would stick with what you have, its just going to take more time. I guess within a couple of months you're going to have a dog thats way more loyal than one you've brought up from a puppy yourself. They don't really know any different... humans give them food and thats pretty much it. I think if you gave my 'pet' dog a biscuit she'd quite happily go off with you on a lead, no problems. No way my rescues would... if i'm not going then they ain't going either. The rescues also seem the ones happiest to see me when I come home every day!
You're a great person for helping the little guy get back to health and being patient with him, he's obviously lucky to have you as his owner.When I got this dog he really didn't like me at all :
For the first few weeks he was clearly not happy being near me... he always chose to stay in the corner of the room or behind the sofa as much as he could. My other rescue dog was helping a bit... he bonded with her quite quickly and he then started following her around all day.
Dogs are good at adapting though. They realise you're now feeding for them, you're caring for them and you're making sure they're safe. Its just some take longer than others. And once he's more affectionate with you its easier the other way too.
Heres that dog right now, I'm lying in my bed:
When I'm at home he simply refuses to be in a different room to me. If I go outside for a break, he comes with me. If I go to the toilet he'll need to come also. If I've got people over and need to close the door then he'll lie on the floor outside until I come back out
If I'm at my desk he'll sleep on my feet. If I'm in bed his usual preferred place is under the covers and lying on my legs. He's basically a different dog to the one that was given to me.I would stick with what you have, its just going to take more time. I guess within a couple of months you're going to have a dog thats way more loyal than one you've brought up from a puppy yourself. They don't really know any different... humans give them food and thats pretty much it. I think if you gave my 'pet' dog a biscuit she'd quite happily go off with you on a lead, no problems. No way my rescues would... if i'm not going then they ain't going either. The rescues also seem the ones happiest to see me when I come home every day!
Hehe, thanks It can certainly be challenging at times, but its really rewarding too.
Apologies for going off topic, but if anyones interested in dogs / rehoming but doesn't have the space, time or circumstances to get fully involved it would perhaps be worth contacting local rescue places as most are crying out for dog walkers. Basically you just turn up and take a dog out for an hour or two, get them some exercise and socialising, which helps towards getting them ready to rehome
It can certainly be challenging at times, but its really rewarding too. Apologies for going off topic, but if anyones interested in dogs / rehoming but doesn't have the space, time or circumstances to get fully involved it would perhaps be worth contacting local rescue places as most are crying out for dog walkers. Basically you just turn up and take a dog out for an hour or two, get them some exercise and socialising, which helps towards getting them ready to rehome
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