Cheating wife - what to do?
Discussion
broken biscuit said:
i have been avoiding PH and this thread in particular. Whilst I never expected PH to be full of helpful advice and understanding, I have to say there are a huge number of a
holes appearing in this thread.
I have had to face up to the fact that my behaviour, and my lifestyle have neglected my wife and child, creating huge cracks in my relationship. I have been a st husband, and, if i am brutally honest with myself, a st father to my lad. I have had a massive reality check, and been able to see what I have done, and where it went wrong.
Agree with it or not, the affair is a product of my behaviour. I was so horrible and mean and nasty to my wife, and she found a person who she could talk to, who appreciated her for being her, not trying to change who she was as I did. She got close to this person, finding the affection and attraction I had neglected to give her.
Now, we are trying to work things out. I am doing everything I can to fix the last few years of negativity and destruction, because I love her and value my marriage above everything else. It will be hard, and I have to try and trust her again. This is the hardest part. It will come, and providing she stays and it works, we will be stronger than before. I understand though, that our marriage may have gone past the point of saving, hence the affair, and if that is the case, I have to face facts and try to move on. Whatever happens, I shall come out of this knowing who I can count on and trust as family/friends, and what I can make of my life.
Whilst I admire your attempt to fix your marriage....holes appearing in this thread. I have had to face up to the fact that my behaviour, and my lifestyle have neglected my wife and child, creating huge cracks in my relationship. I have been a s
t husband, and, if i am brutally honest with myself, a st father to my lad. I have had a massive reality check, and been able to see what I have done, and where it went wrong. Agree with it or not, the affair is a product of my behaviour. I was so horrible and mean and nasty to my wife, and she found a person who she could talk to, who appreciated her for being her, not trying to change who she was as I did. She got close to this person, finding the affection and attraction I had neglected to give her.
Now, we are trying to work things out. I am doing everything I can to fix the last few years of negativity and destruction, because I love her and value my marriage above everything else. It will be hard, and I have to try and trust her again. This is the hardest part. It will come, and providing she stays and it works, we will be stronger than before. I understand though, that our marriage may have gone past the point of saving, hence the affair, and if that is the case, I have to face facts and try to move on. Whatever happens, I shall come out of this knowing who I can count on and trust as family/friends, and what I can make of my life.
You are so delusional to think that it is all your fault and that your wife is the innocent victim here mate, you are both adults if she felt there were issues there are a whole host of other things she could have done to get attention and allow you to face up to your failings as a husband.
Am sorry but you have been taken hook, line and sinker by the classic SWT blame turnaround game mate.
anonymous said:
[redacted]
What a load of bks.The OP caught his so called wife shagging someone else, in their house and it is somehow his fault. He was working long hours to provide for his family and after talking to her she has managed to convince him this is why she has been playing away.
How can he ever trust her again? There will always be a doubt in his mind. Is she really at her sisters/Sainsburys/out with the girls. It may be a PH cliche but he needs to grow a set and ditch the b
h. He is stirring someone elses porridge from now on.
Leptons said:
his wife's pussy is her solely property
Who else's is it? I certainly don't consider myself to own my wife, even in part. I'll leave that kind of dark ages mentality to the Saudis. All credit to you OP for recognising your own role in events that ultimately led to this unfortunate outcome. It's exactly why people in marriages (of either gender) tend to stray.
It seems you're going about the path of reconciliation with your eyes open to all the possible outcomes. Rebuilding trust is very hard, but not impossible. it's a slow process with the odd leap of faith thrown in, else you run the risk of becoming overly paranoid about any time she's not around and that in itself can destroy a marriage from within, even if it's completely unfounded. That's where you extend a little bit of trust and hopefully it gets repaid.
Ten years down the line, it can be less a big black hole in your relationship and you'll both recognise it for the catalyst it was in giving you both a chance to really work at your marriage and make it last the distance. Ironically it could be the thing that makes it work over the long haul. Good luck and I hope with the mature approach being taken, things will go the distance for you all.
A lot of people can distil complex moral situations into simplistic black and white terms and think they know exactly how they'll behave if a particular hypothetical situation arises. Yet when it actually does happen to them, it all becomes very grey indeed and people don't always behave as they themselves thought they would when the situation was abstract.
As was said in I think the first reply to your opening post, it doesn't matter what anyone here thinks, feels or says about your situation - they're not the ones in it or having to live the reality and with any consequences beyond tapping a few words out on a screen to forget they were ever there a week or two later. There's no easy solution to these situations, you've chosen the harder of two very difficult ones I think. But that you're both willing to at least try to rebuild says a lot. Forgiveness is an all too often under-rated commodity. As is recognising and taking responsibility for one's own role in one's life and those close to them.
Thom987 said:
He is stirring someone elses porridge from now on.
Ridiculous hyperbole. Unless all our partners were virgins before we got together with them, we've all "stirred someone else's porridge". What a strange, base mentality to have. Edited by Zwoelf on Sunday 2nd October 12:01
broken biscuit said:
i have been avoiding PH and this thread in particular. Whilst I never expected PH to be full of helpful advice and understanding, I have to say there are a huge number of aholes appearing in this thread.
FWIW, I agree with you. It reads like a bunch of caveman who believe they can do what they want once they're married. Affairs, divorces, 16 hours a day at work can as much be symptoms of a relationship going wrong as a cause. Acting like a arse towards someone for years can make them do desperate things - just be glad it wasn't weed killer in your coffee.holes appearing in this thread. Good luck sorting it out. Even if you don't manage to patch up the relationship, I hope you can both come out of it knowing you tried.
King Herald said:
broken biscuit said:
.....The other part of me wants to move on - recognise we have both made mistakes, accept her version of events, and deal with it. See Relate or whatever, work things out and build back the trust she has completely destroyed........
At least you have this fact to build your new relationship on: She WILL fk your work mates whenever she feels like it.Before you were just suspicious, now you KNOW she has no problem acting like the night safe at a sperm bank!
You have nothing to build on. She has breached the final levy, dropped to the lowest level possible: screwed someone else in your own home.
It really doesn't get much worse.
An individual has absolute control over their body.
But acting in this way in the marital home is a different level of seriousness.
I personally think the OP deserves a better and more genuine partner.
In my view trust is the problem. You can forgive. But forget? No.
Zwoelf said:
Ridiculous hyperbole. Unless all our partners were virgins before we got together with them, we've all "stirred someone else's porridge". What a strange, base mentality to have.
We all have history, some good, some not so, but when you marry someone it is supposed to be for life. You would like to think that no one else is going to be having his way with your wife and indeed your wife should expect the same.Edited by Zwoelf on Sunday 2nd October 12:01
This guy came home from work, obviously suspecting something and caught her if not in the act, then either side of the act. She then admitted to shagging this guy, once (cough cough) and you and others are making excuses for her.
A strange base mentality indeed.
Edited to add, the OP clearly is stirring someone elses porridge.
RevYob said:
The wife should have made the OP aware of the issues and how she was feeling.
Jumping on some other guys d**k just seems unforgivable to me.
Sounds like she just thought she could getaway with it, and when caught, used how she was feeling as an excuse.
She tried - but looking back, I never wanted to talk. Ever. Just went day to day pretending all was great, burying my head in the sand. After so long of this (yrs more than months) she stopped trying to talk. I know this as i look back at our problems. I can forgive her, but wont forget it. I will need a long time to rebuild trust.Jumping on some other guys d**k just seems unforgivable to me.
Sounds like she just thought she could getaway with it, and when caught, used how she was feeling as an excuse.
She's told me she knew she wouldnt get away with it. Admits she would have told me directly, but thought if we split, it would come out eventually anyway. When it happened, our marriage was hanging in the balance. It was practically over based on my previous behaviour. She still doesnt know if it can work, but we are trying. I have been able to take a good look at myself over recent weeks, and can identify a lot of faults i need to fix.
broken biscuit said:
She tried - but looking back, I never wanted to talk. Ever. Just went day to day pretending all was great, burying my head in the sand. After so long of this (yrs more than months) she stopped trying to talk. I know this as i look back at our problems. I can forgive her, but wont forget it. I will need a long time to rebuild trust.
She's told me she knew she wouldnt get away with it. Admits she would have told me directly, but thought if we split, it would come out eventually anyway. When it happened, our marriage was hanging in the balance. It was practically over based on my previous behaviour. She still doesnt know if it can work, but we are trying. I have been able to take a good look at myself over recent weeks, and can identify a lot of faults i need to fix.
Why are you blaming yourself for your wifes behaviour? She has cheated and in my book that is unforgiveable.She's told me she knew she wouldnt get away with it. Admits she would have told me directly, but thought if we split, it would come out eventually anyway. When it happened, our marriage was hanging in the balance. It was practically over based on my previous behaviour. She still doesnt know if it can work, but we are trying. I have been able to take a good look at myself over recent weeks, and can identify a lot of faults i need to fix.
But its your life/marriage and maybe you know best. Good luck with watever you decide, it is you that has to live with this, not some faceless people on PH.
broken biscuit said:
i have been avoiding PH and this thread in particular. Whilst I never expected PH to be full of helpful advice and understanding, I have to say there are a huge number of aholes appearing in this thread.
I have had to face up to the fact that my behaviour, and my lifestyle have neglected my wife and child, creating huge cracks in my relationship. I have been a st husband, and, if i am brutally honest with myself, a st father to my lad. I have had a massive reality check, and been able to see what I have done, and where it went wrong.
Agree with it or not, the affair is a product of my behaviour. I was so horrible and mean and nasty to my wife, and she found a person who she could talk to, who appreciated her for being her, not trying to change who she was as I did. She got close to this person, finding the affection and attraction I had neglected to give her.
Now, we are trying to work things out. I am doing everything I can to fix the last few years of negativity and destruction, because I love her and value my marriage above everything else. It will be hard, and I have to try and trust her again. This is the hardest part. It will come, and providing she stays and it works, we will be stronger than before. I understand though, that our marriage may have gone past the point of saving, hence the affair, and if that is the case, I have to face facts and try to move on. Whatever happens, I shall come out of this knowing who I can count on and trust as family/friends, and what I can make of my life.
If you didn't want this thread to go as it has then perhaps you shouldn't have titled this thread 'cheating bholes appearing in this thread. I have had to face up to the fact that my behaviour, and my lifestyle have neglected my wife and child, creating huge cracks in my relationship. I have been a s
t husband, and, if i am brutally honest with myself, a st father to my lad. I have had a massive reality check, and been able to see what I have done, and where it went wrong. Agree with it or not, the affair is a product of my behaviour. I was so horrible and mean and nasty to my wife, and she found a person who she could talk to, who appreciated her for being her, not trying to change who she was as I did. She got close to this person, finding the affection and attraction I had neglected to give her.
Now, we are trying to work things out. I am doing everything I can to fix the last few years of negativity and destruction, because I love her and value my marriage above everything else. It will be hard, and I have to try and trust her again. This is the hardest part. It will come, and providing she stays and it works, we will be stronger than before. I understand though, that our marriage may have gone past the point of saving, hence the affair, and if that is the case, I have to face facts and try to move on. Whatever happens, I shall come out of this knowing who I can count on and trust as family/friends, and what I can make of my life.
h'?All you have done since you titled it and wrote about how she has been snagging your work colleague is defend her behaviour, in which case why did you feel the need to go public.
Personally for me it would either be over, but your call if you want to take responsibility for working hard whilst your wife is at home doing god knows what, with god know who.
Bennno
broken biscuit said:
She tried - but looking back, I never wanted to talk. Ever. Just went day to day pretending all was great, burying my head in the sand. After so long of this (yrs more than months) she stopped trying to talk. I know this as i look back at our problems. I can forgive her, but wont forget it. I will need a long time to rebuild trust.
She's told me she knew she wouldnt get away with it. Admits she would have told me directly, but thought if we split, it would come out eventually anyway. When it happened, our marriage was hanging in the balance. It was practically over based on my previous behaviour. She still doesnt know if it can work, but we are trying. I have been able to take a good look at myself over recent weeks, and can identify a lot of faults i need to fix.
Remember though, it's not just you who needs to 'fix' yourself. There is your wife to, who has to resolve a number of her own issues . Then there is your relationship. It's very positive to be looking at all of this. It all takes time, even before you can start to make progress and get to the point where you both feel a relationship is viable.She's told me she knew she wouldnt get away with it. Admits she would have told me directly, but thought if we split, it would come out eventually anyway. When it happened, our marriage was hanging in the balance. It was practically over based on my previous behaviour. She still doesnt know if it can work, but we are trying. I have been able to take a good look at myself over recent weeks, and can identify a lot of faults i need to fix.
Many people do get beyond affairs. It does not have to be the end of your marriage world. You can both only do your best and what you feel to be the right thing for both of you. What more can you do than take it one day at a time and in those days begin to make sense of what is really important for both of you. You are clearly more than some base, primitive kneejerk and ego response. That you can already make progress in honesty processing your own thoughts and feelings in all of this, says a great deal about you as a whole man and not some ego driven facsimile of what a man is 'supposed to do'.
broken biscuit said:
She still doesn't know if it can work, but we are trying. I have been able to take a good look at myself over recent weeks, and can identify a lot of faults I need to fix.
It's good that you are. For it to be successful I hope she is going through a similar process of introspection and wants to improve herself in future. It doesn't take one person to have an affair, it takes three. It also takes two to make forgiveness work, breed mutual understanding of your own and each others needs (both emotional and physical) and as result of that, over time, trust to be re-established and rebuilt. If two people genuinely want to make things work, they can - by accepting each others failings as human beings and either working them into a best compromise, or deciding it's too much and parting ways, having understood the differences are irreconcileable.
Speak to couples who have been married for decades. They will all have faced trials of various sorts, infidelity included. That they manage to overcome their own and each other's deficiencies is testament to the fundamental strength of their union. Every serious relationship faces trials, the best of them manage to make it work. others fall by the wayside at the first sign of adversity. It's those times IMO when you discover just how much you really love someone, it's easy to do so when everything is rosy.
PH answer: Plus it means you now have one "in the bag" so get a free pass on that bird in Accounts you've been eyeing up for years.
Edited by Zwoelf on Sunday 2nd October 17:03
I genuinely wish you all the best with it O/P.
I do think you are making excuses for her though. If she was getting that desperate and you wouldn't listen, she should have just said "we need some time apart". Shagging somebody else is not the answer and she knows it. She needs to apportion a fair chunk of the blame and it doesn't really sound like she is at the moment. She slept with him while you were trying to sort it out with a counsellor!
I do think you are making excuses for her though. If she was getting that desperate and you wouldn't listen, she should have just said "we need some time apart". Shagging somebody else is not the answer and she knows it. She needs to apportion a fair chunk of the blame and it doesn't really sound like she is at the moment. She slept with him while you were trying to sort it out with a counsellor!
Been there and played this game.
I was working almost 24/7 to keep the 'home' sorted when it became apparent my wife was a bit cosy with a friend of a friend.
I talked at length with her and of course she kept to the 'nothing happened' defence.
I agreed to alter my work habits and spend more time at home, relationship did not improve.
Eventually I broke into her office and found a stash of letters and photographs showing that not only had she shagged the first guy but that he had been one of many.
IMHO there are people you can trust and there are those you can't. No offence OP but it sounds like the next ten years will be spent wondering who she is shagging.
Hope I'm wrong and good luck.
I was working almost 24/7 to keep the 'home' sorted when it became apparent my wife was a bit cosy with a friend of a friend.
I talked at length with her and of course she kept to the 'nothing happened' defence.
I agreed to alter my work habits and spend more time at home, relationship did not improve.
Eventually I broke into her office and found a stash of letters and photographs showing that not only had she shagged the first guy but that he had been one of many.
IMHO there are people you can trust and there are those you can't. No offence OP but it sounds like the next ten years will be spent wondering who she is shagging.
Hope I'm wrong and good luck.
broken biscuit said:
She tried - but looking back, I never wanted to talk. Ever. Just went day to day pretending all was great, burying my head in the sand. After so long of this (yrs more than months) she stopped trying to talk. I know this as i look back at our problems. I can forgive her, but wont forget it. I will need a long time to rebuild trust.
She was perfectly free to leave you and divorce you. She did not do so.No matter what you say and no matter how much she has persuaded you otherwise, this is not your fault.
However, the bottom line if you want to try and save the marriage then that is for you and only you to determine. I personally (given what she's done) believe that you will find yourself in the same situation in future (it is a leopard situation IMHO, I am sorry to say, because a person is either willing to act that way or they are not).... BUT I wish you all the best and hope it all goes well for you.
Leptons said:
Zwoelf said:
Leptons said:
his wife's pussy is her solely property
Who else's is it? I certainly don't consider myself to own my wife, even in part. I'll leave that kind of dark ages mentality to the Saudis. Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff