Cheating wife - what to do?
Discussion
Cock Womble 7 said:
broken biscuit said:
and worked it out?
You can't work it out. It's over. Get rid and move on.GTIR said:
Once a cheater always a cheater.
I disagree with these comments. They speak to a very narrow mindset, unforgiving nature and a depressing lack of faith in humanity generally. Often the mindset of a previously wronged party who has chosen to hypocritically overlook their own moral misdeeds in either the same or other areas of life. As we are often reminded here; people cheat when they're not getting something they need from their partner (which isn't always as simple as just sex), however it's easier to castigate and demonise a straying partner/former partner than to recognise and accept responsibility for whatever failing in our own behaviour led them to wander in the first place, or in the case where that can't be found - for being a poor judge of character enough to get into a relationship with that person in the first place.
OP - it depends upon many things: your capacity to forgive, hers to want to return to you and atone for her actions and to start rebuilding the trust and for you to want and allow it to be rebuilt. It also depends if it's just sex she's seeking/getting elsewhere, or if there's emotional involvement too. One of those is much easier to deal with and move on than the other. It can be done; but it is hard work - which is why so many take the easy out. People don't seem to want to work at relationships/marriages any more, only staying in them for as long as the going is good until the first real challenge - then falling at it.
ETA: Sorry, this being PH - ignore all that and just insert some other alpha male BS instead.
Edited by Zwoelf on Wednesday 28th September 10:43
axgizmo said:
GTIR said:
Once a cheater always a cheater
I hate when people say that! it's b
ks! I cheated on my ex, biggest mistake I ever made, would never ever do it to anyone againPH standards are slipping, 3 pages and no one has mentioned snakes with tits.
As others have said move on.
You have three issues to deal with
1) your child - most important, whats best for them. Better to have two parents apart than two arguing together all the time. Take your time for their sake.
2) once a cheat always a cheat. Maybe maybe not. Once someone has gotten away with something - anything the second time is easier but genuine remorse could stop this from happening again. I know a couple who she had an affair within the first year of marriage - emigrated to another country, husband in new job, no family friends etc. no excuses but it happened. they worked things out and couldn't be happier. another girl who cheated on her husband then went back to the family home and announced she was getting a divorce as this proved she didnt love him any more, she wouldn't cheat again.
The temptation is always going to be there, it takes a strong person to say no. but on the other hand who is perfect.
3) your own feelings, your trust of her. personally speaking once this has gone it doesn't come back. It doesn't matter if they never cheat again you will always have the doubt in the back of your head, the temptation to check up on mobile phones, emails, facebook etc.
You can never find proof that she is not cheating short of being with her 24*7 to prevent cheating and whats the point of that, you can't even go to work.
Amicable split - my arse, just try and keep solicitors to a minimum, they have a vested interest in you arguing, not saying any/all do this deliberately it's just the nature of the beast, a third party who is acting in your or her best interests not in both of your interests.
Good luck, do it carefully and do it right. You may have made a mistake and so has she, sometimes things are so broken they can't be fixed.
Bringing another party back to the marital home - very broken IMO.
You have three issues to deal with
1) your child - most important, whats best for them. Better to have two parents apart than two arguing together all the time. Take your time for their sake.
2) once a cheat always a cheat. Maybe maybe not. Once someone has gotten away with something - anything the second time is easier but genuine remorse could stop this from happening again. I know a couple who she had an affair within the first year of marriage - emigrated to another country, husband in new job, no family friends etc. no excuses but it happened. they worked things out and couldn't be happier. another girl who cheated on her husband then went back to the family home and announced she was getting a divorce as this proved she didnt love him any more, she wouldn't cheat again.
The temptation is always going to be there, it takes a strong person to say no. but on the other hand who is perfect.
3) your own feelings, your trust of her. personally speaking once this has gone it doesn't come back. It doesn't matter if they never cheat again you will always have the doubt in the back of your head, the temptation to check up on mobile phones, emails, facebook etc.
You can never find proof that she is not cheating short of being with her 24*7 to prevent cheating and whats the point of that, you can't even go to work.
Amicable split - my arse, just try and keep solicitors to a minimum, they have a vested interest in you arguing, not saying any/all do this deliberately it's just the nature of the beast, a third party who is acting in your or her best interests not in both of your interests.
Good luck, do it carefully and do it right. You may have made a mistake and so has she, sometimes things are so broken they can't be fixed.
Bringing another party back to the marital home - very broken IMO.
Zwoelf said:
I disagree with these comments. They speak to a very narrow mindset, unforgiving nature and a depressing lack of faith in humanity generally. Often the mindset of a previously wronged party who has chosen to hypocritically overlook their own moral misdeeds in either the same or other areas of life.
As we are often reminded here; people cheat when they're not getting something they need from their partner (which isn't always as simple as just sex), however it's easier to castigate and demonise a straying partner/former partner than to recognise and accept responsibility for whatever failing in our own behaviour led them to wander in the first place, or in the case where that can't be found - for being a poor judge of character enough to get into a relationship with that person in the first place.
OP - it depends upon many things: your capacity to forgive, hers to want to return to you and atone for her actions and to start rebuilding the trust and for you to want and allow it to be rebuilt. It also depends if it's just sex she's seeking/getting elsewhere, or if there's emotional involvement too. One of those is much easier to deal with and move on than the other. It can be done; but it is hard work - which is why so many take the easy out. People don't seem to want to work at relationships/marriages any more, only staying in them for as long as the going is good until the first real challenge - then falling at it.
ETA: Sorry, this being PH - ignore all that and just insert some other alpha male BS instead.
Sorry but I totally disagree with that. I've never been cheated on (I hope!) but to me, once someone has cheated on their partner it's over. A relationship is all about trust and once it's broken I don't believe it can ever be fully repaired. As we are often reminded here; people cheat when they're not getting something they need from their partner (which isn't always as simple as just sex), however it's easier to castigate and demonise a straying partner/former partner than to recognise and accept responsibility for whatever failing in our own behaviour led them to wander in the first place, or in the case where that can't be found - for being a poor judge of character enough to get into a relationship with that person in the first place.
OP - it depends upon many things: your capacity to forgive, hers to want to return to you and atone for her actions and to start rebuilding the trust and for you to want and allow it to be rebuilt. It also depends if it's just sex she's seeking/getting elsewhere, or if there's emotional involvement too. One of those is much easier to deal with and move on than the other. It can be done; but it is hard work - which is why so many take the easy out. People don't seem to want to work at relationships/marriages any more, only staying in them for as long as the going is good until the first real challenge - then falling at it.
ETA: Sorry, this being PH - ignore all that and just insert some other alpha male BS instead.
Edited by Zwoelf on Wednesday 28th September 10:43
If you're not getting what you want from a relationship, you talk about it with your partner. If they don't want to talk, write them a letter. If they don't respond, try and get some form of councelling. If this still doesn't solve the problem, and you're still not getting enough from the relationship, it's time to end it. IMO it's incredibly childish to jump into bed with someone else because you're not getting what you want from a relationship. And as much as anyone is responsible for relationship problems and pushing their partner away, the cheating partner is 100% responsible for their actions.
Edited by Dr_Gonzo on Wednesday 28th September 11:49
Dr_Gonzo said:
Sorry but I totally disagree with that. I've never been cheated on (I hope!) but to me, once someone has cheated on their partner it's over. A relationship is all about trust and once it's broken I don't believe it can ever be fully repaired.
If you're getting what they want from a relationship you talk about it with your partner. If they don't want to talk, write them a letter. If they don't respond, try and get some form of councelling. If this still doesn't solve the problem, and you're still not getting enough from the relationship, it's time to end. IMO it's incredibly childish to jump into bed with someone else because you're not getting what you want from a relationship. And as much as anyone is responsible for relationship problems and pushing their partner away, the cheating partner is 100% responsible for their actions.
Interesting post this. I do agree, people are 100% responsible for their actions. I also do believe that many people actions in circumstances such as the one described here by the OP, are actually reactions. It doesn't excuse them, of course not, but if you are interested in trying to repair a relationship, then you have to look beyond the '100%'s' and look at the reasons that lie beneath. If you're getting what they want from a relationship you talk about it with your partner. If they don't want to talk, write them a letter. If they don't respond, try and get some form of councelling. If this still doesn't solve the problem, and you're still not getting enough from the relationship, it's time to end. IMO it's incredibly childish to jump into bed with someone else because you're not getting what you want from a relationship. And as much as anyone is responsible for relationship problems and pushing their partner away, the cheating partner is 100% responsible for their actions.
If you want to move on, blame never works. It abdicates that person's part and removes any real chance of positive progression.
sorry, some levity in a serious thread. Did make me laugh thoughI'm of the opinion that cheating is the symptom and not the disease. Question is, what of?
Some people are simply incapable of being faithful, in which case they need to find someone with equally liberal attitudes, or else not get married at all.
Others jog on in relationships, getting bogged down in routine, taking one another for granted, slowly (but steadily) growing apart, not really realising what's missing at home until someone else points it out to them. Sounds as though this is what's happened here.
I think you both need to take a long hard look at your relationship (positives and negatives), and work out whether you think what you have is worth saving. House and kids are secondary considerations: the focus should be on the two of you.
Trust, once broken, can never entirely be rebuilt, however I do think it is possible (with hard work and a great degree of soul-searching) to re-establish a relationship after an affair. However, I can see why people take the easier route and split.
Some people are simply incapable of being faithful, in which case they need to find someone with equally liberal attitudes, or else not get married at all.
Others jog on in relationships, getting bogged down in routine, taking one another for granted, slowly (but steadily) growing apart, not really realising what's missing at home until someone else points it out to them. Sounds as though this is what's happened here.
I think you both need to take a long hard look at your relationship (positives and negatives), and work out whether you think what you have is worth saving. House and kids are secondary considerations: the focus should be on the two of you.
Trust, once broken, can never entirely be rebuilt, however I do think it is possible (with hard work and a great degree of soul-searching) to re-establish a relationship after an affair. However, I can see why people take the easier route and split.
Oakey said:
broken biscuit said:
Basically i walked in mid-shift at work - she'd had him and a few mates over.
You hear that ringing in your ears?? That's the alarm bell, GET THE fk OUT NOWOP - this is entirely your own fault. You have married, and bred, with a bint SO THICK that she managed to let slip the fact your mate had been slipping her a length ON FACEBOOK?
Either reconcile with her and get back to watching Jeremy Kyle or dump the SWT right now and get your life back.
Either reconcile with her and get back to watching Jeremy Kyle or dump the SWT right now and get your life back.
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