Sean Connery Joke (Vol 6)
Discussion
silverfoxcc said:
Topical Joke
It was Eater Sunday and Jesus had just done his resurrection bit. As he exitsd the cave, he is expecting the disciples to greet him..Nobody. So he hangs around for an hour and then realises they are not going to turn up. so off he goes in search of them. Asking around, he finds out they were last seen in a tavern,and he goes there only to find they have left and gone on to another tavern. This happens several times and he is beginning to despair of ever finding them, when the next tavern finds them all drinking like there as no tomorrow.
As he approaches them Peter sees him and says
'Jesus, come and have a drink, Judas has come into some money'
It was Eater Sunday and Jesus had just done his resurrection bit. As he exitsd the cave, he is expecting the disciples to greet him..Nobody. So he hangs around for an hour and then realises they are not going to turn up. so off he goes in search of them. Asking around, he finds out they were last seen in a tavern,and he goes there only to find they have left and gone on to another tavern. This happens several times and he is beginning to despair of ever finding them, when the next tavern finds them all drinking like there as no tomorrow.
As he approaches them Peter sees him and says
'Jesus, come and have a drink, Judas has come into some money'
Definitely worth 3 - not seen that before, still chuckling
GloverMart said:
im said:
Save Ferris said:
There are some bars, some grey walls, a toilet and a big black man.
Can you guess what it is yet Rolf?
Can you guess what it is yet Rolf?
GloverMart said:
im said:
Save Ferris said:
There are some bars, some grey walls, a toilet and a big black man.
Can you guess what it is yet Rolf?
Can you guess what it is yet Rolf?
- * MAN RULES ***
2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.
3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!
5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.
6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.
7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.
10. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.
11. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are drunk However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
12. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
13. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.
14. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
15. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.
16. TAKING OUT 200 POUNDS FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
17. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."
18. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.
19. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
20. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
21. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"
22. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.
Dan Dare took off for Mars, not being the best navigator in the solar system lands in a city, instead of the outskirts, obliterated buildings and killing some Martians.
The Martians were all for lynching him, when Dan said, "You can't kill me. I am the most famous man on Earth"
The Martian said "How can you prove it"
Dan said, "Come back with me to Earth, and I can guarantee the first person who sees me will recognise me.
So off he goes planning to land at Kennedy.
His navigation skills set in again, and he lands in deepest darkest Africa, s
tting his pants he slowly opens the door to see a bunch of tribesmen.
The chief of the tribe approachs the rocket and says "Hello dare"
The Martians were all for lynching him, when Dan said, "You can't kill me. I am the most famous man on Earth"
The Martian said "How can you prove it"
Dan said, "Come back with me to Earth, and I can guarantee the first person who sees me will recognise me.
So off he goes planning to land at Kennedy.
His navigation skills set in again, and he lands in deepest darkest Africa, s
tting his pants he slowly opens the door to see a bunch of tribesmen.The chief of the tribe approachs the rocket and says "Hello dare"
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