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Laurel Green
14,881 posts
101 months
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Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "no tanks, I've only got a small garden."
A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweep-stake to guess where they were going..... the driver won £52!
Paddy’s racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic.
It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.
Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?, Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"
Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.
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Convert
2,855 posts
87 months
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Lordsmut said: Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.' f  king hell, he's taking longer to die than the Euro.
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boobles
12,163 posts
84 months
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Paddy & Mick are walking along the road trying to find a great fishing spot when all of a sudden, Sheamus & Murphy walk past with a huge trout! Paddy asks "bejesus how did ya catch dat" Murphy replies "I hang Sheamus over da bridge by his feet & wen he sees da fish swim upstream he reaches in wiv his hands & grabs it" So Paddy & Mick are thinking that they want some of this to & come across the bridge!
5 mins pass and nothing happens... 10 mins pass & nothing happens...
Then all of a sudden Mick screams up to Paddy... "Quick Paddy quick Paddy feckin pull me up" "Have ya caught one Mick have you caught one" asks Paddy!
"No theres a feckin train comin"
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Muncle Trogg
758 posts
27 months
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Laurel Green said: Paddy’s racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic.
It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish. 
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V8mate
34,933 posts
58 months
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Very good - have enjoyed all the Oirish jokes, chaps  Obviously, I've reported you all for waycism too!
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B16 RTT
1,830 posts
104 months
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My wife came home from work early today and caught me shagging our neighbour doggy style.
"Take your cock out of her vagina!" she screamed.
I said, "Babe, this is not what it looks like."
"What is it then?" she shouted.
...
"Anal."
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AyBee
5,243 posts
71 months
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B16 RTT said: My wife came home from work early today and caught me shagging our neighbour doggy style.
"Take your cock out of her vagina!" she screamed.
I said, "Babe, this is not what it looks like."
"What is it then?" she shouted.
...
"Anal."  I'm now getting odd looks in the office...thanks 
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kowalski655
867 posts
12 months
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I took 2 stuffed dogs to Antiques Roadshow.
'Oohh' said the presenter, 'this is a very rare breed do u know wot they would fetch if they were alive?
'Sticks?' I replied.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene,but that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan
"Chatted up a gypsy girl in the pub last night,she asked if I wanted to go back to her place for a good time.
Too right I had a good time,I had a go on the dodgems,the waltzers and the ghost train,and even came away with a goldfish
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havoc
20,159 posts
104 months
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Convert said: f king hell, he's taking longer to die than the Euro. 
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PHmember
1,774 posts
40 months
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kowalski655 said: I took 2 stuffed dogs to Antiques Roadshow.
'Oohh' said the presenter, 'this is a very rare breed do u know wot they would fetch if they were alive?
'Sticks?' I replied. Stolen but edited so that it doesn't look like I write like a Jeremy Kyle guest.
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LordHaveMurci
3,121 posts
38 months
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PHmember said: kowalski655 said: I took 2 stuffed dogs to Antiques Roadshow.
'Oohh' said the presenter, 'this is a very rare breed do u know wot they would fetch if they were alive?
'Sticks?' I replied. Stolen but edited so that it doesn't look like I write like a Jeremy Kyle guest.
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Morningside
16,783 posts
98 months
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Muncle Trogg said: Laurel Green said: Paddy’s racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic.
It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish. Groan.
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Sticks.
3,114 posts
120 months
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kowalski655 said: I took 2 stuffed dogs to Antiques Roadshow.
'Oohh' said the presenter, 'this is a very rare breed do u know wot they would fetch if they were alive?
'Sticks?' I replied. Eh? 
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Smart Mart
4,082 posts
84 months
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Just been offered tickets for "Muesli - The Musical".
Extra dates have been added.
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V8mate
34,933 posts
58 months
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Smart Mart said: Just been offered tickets for "Muesli - The Musical".
Extra dates have been added. Groanola.
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PoleDriver
20,229 posts
63 months
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V8mate said: Smart Mart said: Just been offered tickets for "Muesli - The Musical".
Extra dates have been added. Groanola. That goes against the grain!
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gazchap
850 posts
52 months
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My missus has told me to stop dressing and acting like a flamingo.
I think I'm gonna have to put my foot down.
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mattnunn
4,101 posts
30 months
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PoleDriver said: V8mate said: Smart Mart said: Just been offered tickets for "Muesli - The Musical".
Extra dates have been added. Groanola. That goes against the grain! Raisin the bar with that one.
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Asterix
16,396 posts
97 months
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You lot are cereal offenders.
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Laurel Green
14,881 posts
101 months
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Asterix said: You lot are cereal offenders. It's sorting the wheat from the chaff...
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