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Author Discussion

Ayahuasca

17,989 posts

163 months

[news] 
Monday 21st November 2011 quote quote all
Council Baby said:
Just checking if I can now post on this one wavey
Me too wavey


LordGrover

22,042 posts

96 months

[news] 
Tuesday 22nd November 2011 quote quote all
On the ASDA PA system: 'Clean-up on aisle 25, we have a husband down'



Husband Down
A husband and wife were shopping in their local ASDA.
The husband picked up a case of Tennents and put it in the trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asked the wife.
'They're on sale, only £10 for 24 cans', he replied.
'Put them back, we can't afford them', demanded the wife and carried on shopping.
A few aisles further on along she picked up a £20 jar of face cream and put it in the trolley 'What do you think you're doing?', asked the husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replied the wife.
To which her husband retorted, 'So does 24 cans of Tennents and it's half the price.'

He never knew what hit him.

Jonboy_t

3,101 posts

67 months

[news] 
Tuesday 22nd November 2011 quote quote all
The first rule of thesaurus club is you do not talk about, converse, discuss, chat or mention thesaurus club.

JonRB

42,927 posts

156 months

[news] 
Tuesday 22nd November 2011 quote quote all
Jonboy_t said:
The first rule of thesaurus club is you do not talk about, converse, discuss, chat or mention thesaurus club.
rofl

Immediately stolen for Facebook. hehe

McAndy

6,157 posts

61 months

[news] 
Tuesday 22nd November 2011 quote quote all
Jonboy_t said:
The first rule of thesaurus club is you do not talk about, converse, discuss, chat or mention thesaurus club.
Very good hehe.
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Jonboy_t

3,101 posts

67 months

[news] 
Tuesday 22nd November 2011 quote quote all
I was chatting up this hot bird the other day. 'What do you do for a living' I asked her. 'I'm an estate agent, you know, selling houses, flats etc' she said.

'Well, what a coincidence', I replied, 'I just happen to have a semi'.

Lord R

245 posts

81 months

[news] 
Tuesday 22nd November 2011 quote quote all
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a tax disk.


CaptiV8ted

802 posts

95 months

[news] 
Tuesday 22nd November 2011 quote quote all
Jonboy_t said:
(to be read in a Yorkshire accent)

A Yorkshire lad's wife dies one day and he decides to have something fitting engraved on her headstone. He decides upon 'She were thine' and trundles off t'engraver to get t'job done.

On the day before t'funeral, he goes into t'engraver to have a look at his work. T'engraver pulls out the headstone and, to the lads horror, he has put 'She were thin' on it. 'Hey, you daft get', he says, 'you missed out an E. Have it fixed and I'll be back in t'morning to get it'.

The next morning, he comes back in to pick up the headstone, lift's it up and reads the passage.

'E, she were thin'.





A Yorkshire lads dog dies one day and he decides, as a tribute, to have a model of the dog cast in gold so he can still keep his little pal around. He goes off to the goldsmith and tells him what kind of thing he's after, 'D'you want 18 carot?' asks the goldsmith. 'No, you daft get,' he replies, 'I want it eatin a bone'.


(Apologies for the appalling grammar and shocking attempt at a Yorkshire accent joke!)
Yorkshire man goes to the vet. "Can tha newter me cat?" he asks,
Vet says "Is it a tom?"
Yorky replies "No, I've brought 'im with me"

PH lurker

1,300 posts

41 months

[news] 
Tuesday 22nd November 2011 quote quote all
CaptiV8ted said:
Yorkshire man goes to the vet. "Can tha newter me cat?" he asks,
Vet says "Is it a tom?"
Yorky replies "No, I've brought 'im with me"
hehe

Hiromitsu11

2,299 posts

77 months

[news] 
Tuesday 22nd November 2011 quote quote all
Jonboy_t said:
The first rule of thesaurus club is you do not talk about, converse, discuss, chat or mention thesaurus club.
Someone explain this one for the retard over in the corner silly

Thanks

JonRB

42,927 posts

156 months

[news] 
Tuesday 22nd November 2011 quote quote all
Hiromitsu11 said:
Jonboy_t said:
The first rule of thesaurus club is you do not talk about, converse, discuss, chat or mention thesaurus club.
Someone explain this one for the retard over in the corner silly

Thanks
http://thesaurus.com/browse/talk

Would it help if the joke was "The first rule of thesaurus club is that you do not talk, articulate, babble, broach, chant, chat, chatter, comment on, communicate, confess, converse, describe, divulge, drawl, drone, express, flap one's tongue, gab, gabble, give voice to, gossip, influence, intone, notify, palaver, parley, patter, persuade, prate, prattle, pronounce, reveal, rhapsodize, run on, say, soliloquize, speak, spill the beans, spout, squeak, squeal, talk one's leg off, tell, tell all, use, utter, ventriloquize, verbalize, voice, yak, argue, be in contact, canvass, carry on conversation, collogue, commune, confabulate, confer, confide, consult, contact, deliberate, dialogue, engage in conversation, exchange, go into a huddle, groupthink, have a meet, hold discussion, huddle, interact, interface, interview, join in conversation, keep in touch, negotiate, network, palaver, parley, reach out, reason, relate, thrash out, touch base, vent about thesaurus club"?



Edited by JonRB on Tuesday 22 November 19:14

EarlOfHazard

842 posts

42 months

[news] 
Tuesday 22nd November 2011 quote quote all
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service..

Ganglandboss

7,091 posts

87 months

[news] 
Tuesday 22nd November 2011 quote quote all
I've been to a mate's funeral today; he drowned last week. I got a lot of abuse for my floral tribute in the shape of a life belt. They said it was in bad taste but I think it's what he would have wanted.

mywifeshusband

297 posts

82 months

[news] 
Wednesday 23rd November 2011 quote quote all
I've been diagnosed with chronic fear of giants;

Feefiphobia


omgus

6,423 posts

59 months

[news] 
Wednesday 23rd November 2011 quote quote all
mywifeshusband said:
I've been diagnosed with chronic fear of giants;

Feefiphobia
I was really struggling to get that, it was only as i was telling a colleague "listen to this joke it doesn't make sense! I mean what is feefiphobia" that i realised.
paperbag


alock

2,156 posts

95 months

[news] 
Wednesday 23rd November 2011 quote quote all
JonRB said:
Hiromitsu11 said:
Jonboy_t said:
The first rule of thesaurus club is you do not talk about, converse, discuss, chat or mention thesaurus club.
Someone explain this one for the retard over in the corner silly

Thanks
http://thesaurus.com/browse/talk

Would it help if the joke was "The first rule of thesaurus club is that you do not talk, articulate, babble, broach, chant, chat, chatter, comment on, communicate, confess, converse, describe, divulge, drawl, drone, express, flap one's tongue, gab, gabble, give voice to, gossip, influence, intone, notify, palaver, parley, patter, persuade, prate, prattle, pronounce, reveal, rhapsodize, run on, say, soliloquize, speak, spill the beans, spout, squeak, squeal, talk one's leg off, tell, tell all, use, utter, ventriloquize, verbalize, voice, yak, argue, be in contact, canvass, carry on conversation, collogue, commune, confabulate, confer, confide, consult, contact, deliberate, dialogue, engage in conversation, exchange, go into a huddle, groupthink, have a meet, hold discussion, huddle, interact, interface, interview, join in conversation, keep in touch, negotiate, network, palaver, parley, reach out, reason, relate, thrash out, touch base, vent about thesaurus club"?



Edited by JonRB on Tuesday 22 November 19:14
It probably helps if you've seen the film fight club as well.

timf

342 posts

128 months

[news] 
Wednesday 23rd November 2011 quote quote all
WestYorkie said:
Urgent advice to ginger women........ Don't have a brazilian... It will look like a fish finger!!
once a month, fish finger and ketchup

JonRB

42,927 posts

156 months

[news] 
Wednesday 23rd November 2011 quote quote all
alock said:
It probably helps if you've seen the film fight club as well.
Oh yeah. That too. hehe

Piersman2

3,938 posts

83 months

[news] 
Wednesday 23rd November 2011 quote quote all
JonRB said:
Hiromitsu11 said:
Jonboy_t said:
The first rule of thesaurus club is you do not talk about, converse, discuss, chat or mention thesaurus club.
Someone explain this one for the retard over in the corner silly

Thanks
http://thesaurus.com/browse/talk

Would it help if the joke was "The first rule of thesaurus club is that you do not talk, articulate, babble, broach, chant, chat, chatter, comment on, communicate, confess, converse, describe, divulge, drawl, drone, express, flap one's tongue, gab, gabble, give voice to, gossip, influence, intone, notify, palaver, parley, patter, persuade, prate, prattle, pronounce, reveal, rhapsodize, run on, say, soliloquize, speak, spill the beans, spout, squeak, squeal, talk one's leg off, tell, tell all, use, utter, ventriloquize, verbalize, voice, yak, argue, be in contact, canvass, carry on conversation, collogue, commune, confabulate, confer, confide, consult, contact, deliberate, dialogue, engage in conversation, exchange, go into a huddle, groupthink, have a meet, hold discussion, huddle, interact, interface, interview, join in conversation, keep in touch, negotiate, network, palaver, parley, reach out, reason, relate, thrash out, touch base, vent about thesaurus club"?
Oh. I get it now. I thought i was already slightly amusing on the premise that 'thesaurus' could be slightly mispronounced as "the sore arse" and that it might not be a club you'd want to publicise being a member of.getmecoat

Caruso

5,957 posts

140 months

[news] 
Wednesday 23rd November 2011 quote quote all
I had a weird dream that I weighed infinitesimally less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!
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