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mat777
3,199 posts
30 months
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Carthage said: 1. I wouldn't quote from someone's profile on here.
2. I'd avoid if I were you - it's an odd and slightly risky thing to declare herself a victim on a dating site. Point taken, I've edited my post so you may want to edit yours
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Echo66
114 posts
59 months
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The girl i'm seeing now has been a victim of DV. On more than one occasion too. Feckin horrendous stories about 2 ex'es she's told me. I dunno how some people end up in these situ's but it takes all sorts. She is quite open about what has happened to her even though one particular incident has her in floods.
Best thing to do is just be there to listen or whatever else she wants to do. Unless its something that dominates her life meriting some professional help then it shouldn't necessarily affect a new relationship.
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279
1,392 posts
59 months
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Echo66 said: The girl i'm seeing now has been a victim of DV. On more than one occasion too. Feckin horrendous stories about 2 ex'es she's told me. I dunno how some people end up in these situ's but it takes all sorts. She is quite open about what has happened to her even though one particular incident has her in floods.
Best thing to do is just be there to listen or whatever else she wants to do. Unless its something that dominates her life meriting some professional help then it shouldn't necessarily affect a new relationship. Please don't read this in a 'keyboard warrior' vane but I'd find it incredibly, incredibly difficult to resist the the urge to turn up to the ex's door and give him a healthy dose of his own medicine. People like that do such things are complete and utter scum.
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TVR1
3,001 posts
95 months
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279 said: Please don't read this in a 'keyboard warrior' vane but I'd find it incredibly, incredibly difficult to resist the the urge to turn up to the ex's door and give him a healthy dose of his own medicine.
People like that do such things are complete and utter scum. Not wanting to put a slight downer on the mood on such a lovely evening but yes they are. But, more accurately they are bullies. Sometimes there is only one way with bullies. My Mum had this over a number of years both in private and in front of my brother and I. In particular, there is one incident that still gets to me, 30 years down the track. Walking in on my Mum and Stepfather with him sitting on top of her strangling her. Later, coming home after being sent out to the cinema and coming home to find her with two black eyes. I sometimes think about the couple of hours that we went out and what went on whilst we weren't there. I know where he lives, only a few minutes away from me and sometimes it makes me SO angry that I really do want to punish him. Very badly. Thing is, the lung cancer is doing that now and as much as I want to see him suffer sometimes, I can't quite do that to a dying man. I wish I could but then, I guess I'm a pussy. And I would make him suffer. Badly.
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NightRunner
4,303 posts
64 months
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TVR1 said: Not wanting to put a slight downer on the mood on such a lovely evening but yes they are. But, more accurately they are bullies. Sometimes there is only one way with bullies. My Mum had this over a number of years both in private and in front of my brother and I. In particular, there is one incident that still gets to me, 30 years down the track. Walking in on my Mum and Stepfather with him sitting on top of her strangling her. Later, coming home after being sent out to the cinema and coming home to find her with two black eyes. I know where he lives, only a few minutes away from me and sometimes it makes me SO angry that I really do want to punish him. Very badly. Thing is, the lung cancer is doing that now and as much as I want to see him suffer sometimes, I can't quite do that to a dying man. I wish I could but then, I guess I'm a pussy. And I would make him suffer. Badly. Just hide his meds.
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Gorilla Boy
7,348 posts
43 months
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TVR1 said: 279 said: Please don't read this in a 'keyboard warrior' vane but I'd find it incredibly, incredibly difficult to resist the the urge to turn up to the ex's door and give him a healthy dose of his own medicine.
People like that do such things are complete and utter scum. Not wanting to put a slight downer on the mood on such a lovely evening but yes they are. But, more accurately they are bullies. Sometimes there is only one way with bullies. My Mum had this over a number of years both in private and in front of my brother and I. In particular, there is one incident that still gets to me, 30 years down the track. Walking in on my Mum and Stepfather with him sitting on top of her strangling her. Later, coming home after being sent out to the cinema and coming home to find her with two black eyes. I know where he lives, only a few minutes away from me and sometimes it makes me SO angry that I really do want to punish him. Very badly. Thing is, the lung cancer is doing that now and as much as I want to see him suffer sometimes, I can't quite do that to a dying man. I wish I could but then, I guess I'm a pussy. And I would make him suffer. Badly. Wouldn't say it was a downer just what bullies deserve IMO. As for the step father the lung cancer is karma (or whatever you want to call it) getting him back for being a coward and a bully. No point harming an injured man, if he was perfectly healthy there would be nothing wrong in putting him in his place/humiliating him however.
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66comanche
2,369 posts
29 months
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Justayellowbadge said: 66comanche said: Justayellowbadge said: Carthage said: Sorry to hear that, but fortunately, it is unusual in most people's experience. Is it? Interested in how you know this? Are you suggesting more than 50% of people are subjected to domestic violence? No. But having experience of it (IMO) could be through helping a new partner, friends or family through/after a period of DV (Carthage must think in the same manner as she later clarified she hadn't been subject to it herself). I also wouldn't use the word unusual for something affecting less than 50% of the population.
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NightRunner
4,303 posts
64 months
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On an upside, I think I have found potential mental.
6 mths out of a 7yr oppressive relationship (since she was 17). Told me about her 'closet' which seems to contain the entire catalogue from Ann Summers. Yet to see the treasures therein.
Win.
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Justayellowbadge
29,850 posts
112 months
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66comanche said: Justayellowbadge said: 66comanche said: Justayellowbadge said: Carthage said: Sorry to hear that, but fortunately, it is unusual in most people's experience. Is it? Interested in how you know this? Are you suggesting more than 50% of people are subjected to domestic violence? No. But having experience of it (IMO) could be through helping a new partner, friends or family through/after a period of DV (Carthage must think in the same manner as she later clarified she hadn't been subject to it herself). I also wouldn't use the word unusual for something affecting less than 50% of the population. The 50% was referring to 'most'. By definition. Of course it is unusual. To suggest otherwise is offensive.
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279
1,392 posts
59 months
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Justayellowbadge said: The 50% was referring to 'most'. By definition.
Of course it is unusual. To suggest otherwise is offensive. I think it is more 'usual' than you think. Most people I know have some experience of at least witnessing it or being subjected to it as a child.
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Justayellowbadge
29,850 posts
112 months
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279 said: Justayellowbadge said: The 50% was referring to 'most'. By definition.
Of course it is unusual. To suggest otherwise is offensive. I think it is more 'usual' than you think. Most people I know have some experience of at least witnessing it or being subjected to it as a child. I have experience of it, by proxy, from people I have known and been involved with. Most people probably have. That by no means the actual incidence of it is as common as suggested. And Carthage, to suggest that you didn't want to mention the subject on a forum 'of men' is gobsmackingly insulting to roughly half the population,
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Tonberry
1,356 posts
62 months
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Why would you get grief about it?
I presume you were an innocent party?
Some people deserve a pasting but I can't abide by innocent, decent people being abused.
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MissChief
1,167 posts
38 months
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TVR1 said: Not wanting to put a slight downer on the mood on such a lovely evening but yes they are. But, more accurately they are bullies. Sometimes there is only one way with bullies. My Mum had this over a number of years both in private and in front of my brother and I. In particular, there is one incident that still gets to me, 30 years down the track. Walking in on my Mum and Stepfather with him sitting on top of her strangling her. Later, coming home after being sent out to the cinema and coming home to find her with two black eyes. I sometimes think about the couple of hours that we went out and what went on whilst we weren't there. I know where he lives, only a few minutes away from me and sometimes it makes me SO angry that I really do want to punish him. Very badly. Thing is, the lung cancer is doing that now and as much as I want to see him suffer sometimes, I can't quite do that to a dying man. I wish I could but then, I guess I'm a pussy. And I would make him suffer. Badly.
Karma is indeed wonderful. I suggest you tell him that next time you see him.
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Echo66
114 posts
59 months
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279 said: Please don't read this in a 'keyboard warrior' vane but I'd find it incredibly, incredibly difficult to resist the the urge to turn up to the ex's door and give him a healthy dose of his own medicine.
People like that do such things are complete and utter scum. Believe me I feel the same. Nothing keyboard warrior about it. When someone you care about has/is suffering then the natural instinct is to protect. Her most recent ex mistreated her but not to the extent someone else did. She is still in contact with the most recent guy due to shared financial things soon to be resolved. He is a coward quite obviously. A previous ex mistreated & abused her in the worst way possible, I will let conclusions be drawn. My blood boiled in my veins when she broke down & told me, but it was a fair few years ago & shes now a very strong girl but she felt i should know. If she was strong enough to get through that, felt able to share it with me then all i can do is be there for her if ever the demons return. One thing i do know she won't get fists or abuse from me. Just care. I don't care what provocation there is, to use violence against your partner is wrong on every level.
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Oldandslow
900 posts
76 months
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What if she sticks a fork in your leg?
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Council Baby
16,424 posts
60 months
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Oldandslow said: What if she sticks a fork in your leg? 
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The Beaver King
3,616 posts
65 months
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Anyone have experience with attending a social function that will be graced by your ex's presence? I've got a friend's birthday party on Sunday, I go every year and I've known them a long time. I spoke to my mate yesterday confirming that I would be there with the girlfriend. He called me back 5 minutes later: "s  t, I forgot to mention that I created an event on Faceboook and invited a load of people. The problem is ex-BK has accepted and says she is coming! We only invited her out of courtesy and honestly didn't expect her to come..." I explained that it wouldn't be an issue and it would still be a good night. He asked me to write on the event wall so she could see it and hopefully discourage her from coming, but I've blocked her so she wouldn't see it anyway. So, what is the likelihood of awkwardness? My GF doesn't have a problem with it and, initally, neither did I, but now I'm starting to think that it could cause a bit of tension. I haven't seen/spoken to her in 6 months, she'll no doubt be bringing her new fella and I'm bringing the new GF. It seems very odd that she would go to be honest. Although she knows the friends in question, they are definitely more my social circle rather than hers. I see them every couple of weeks and always attend their parties, she hasn't seen them since Aug/Sept and only really saw them when she wanted to find out things about me. I suppose if if my friends really didn't want her to go then they wouldn't of invited her, but it's one of those things where you invite certain people knowing full well that they won't turn up, but you do so purely for appearances. The ex must know that I'm going, so is this an 'olive branch' or a chance to 'peacock' with her new fella in my backyard?
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Agoogy
6,558 posts
118 months
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Both IMO...take charm ofensive iniative, seek her and her other half out, introduce, small talk, move on, all in a smiley-I've moved and am happy air of not bothered-ness...
Thats what I'd do..and probably will be doing in the not too distant...
depending on how your current realtionship is, perhaps prep her as to what you're intending and thatere may be a polite air kiss...and a 5 mins of chat...
the alternative is that your ex tsakes that high groud or you all spend the whole evening avoiding the 'elephant in the room'...
good luck...
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The Beaver King
3,616 posts
65 months
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Agoogy said: Both IMO...take charm ofensive iniative, seek her and her other half out, introduce, small talk, move on, all in a smiley-I've moved and am happy air of not bothered-ness...
Thats what I'd do..and probably will be doing in the not too distant...
depending on how your current realtionship is, perhaps prep her as to what you're intending and thatere may be a polite air kiss...and a 5 mins of chat...
the alternative is that your ex tsakes that high groud or you all spend the whole evening avoiding the 'elephant in the room'...
good luck... Yeah, I'm thinking I might have to take that angle. Ignoring her would just make things very awkward and create the kind of atmosphere I'm trying to avoid. I've spoken to the GF and explained the situation, she knows that I'll have to talk to her and doesn't have a problem with it. I can't see it being a long chat though, probably the standard 'how are you? how is uni going?' type of crap. It seems very odd that she'd come to a party with her boyfriend that is inhabited by people that are good friends with her ex. I'm not exactly the quiet one at parties either, so it might make him feel a little awkward. God knows I'd feel a little put out if I went to a party and my girlfriend's ex knew everyone and was quite extrovert. Maybe I'm thinking too much into it, but I feel mindgames coming on...
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Agoogy
6,558 posts
118 months
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The Beaver King said: Yeah, I'm thinking I might have to take that angle. Ignoring her would just make things very awkward and create the kind of atmosphere I'm trying to avoid.
I've spoken to the GF and explained the situation, she knows that I'll have to talk to her and doesn't have a problem with it. I can't see it being a long chat though, probably the standard 'how are you? how is uni going?' type of crap.
It seems very odd that she'd come to a party with her boyfriend that is inhabited by people that are good friends with her ex. I'm not exactly the quiet one at parties either, so it might make him feel a little awkward. God knows I'd feel a little put out if I went to a party and my girlfriend's ex knew everyone and was quite extrovert.
Maybe I'm thinking too much into it, but I feel mindgames coming on... Depends how confident he is in himself... I've been to parties with my ex when I unattached and her new bo was there...I took the mindset that no matter how miserable my life was at that point, that we split for a reason and if she could find happiness with someone else, then good for her..and if he could do with/for her what I couldn't then good on him too... She's gone through 2 so far who couldn't...so I feel pretty justified so far. If you're comfy with why you are where you are and who you're with, then that'll come across and mind games get reversed.... Sounds a pretty easy scenario if most/all are your'e mates..just be you. Job done.
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