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Miguel Alvarez

4,944 posts

169 months

Thursday 15th March 2012
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Big Fat Fatty said:
WTF??!!

The father in-law is willing to throw punches around without hearing both sides of the story?
To be fair I'd imagine most dad's would feel the same if their daughter had told them their boyfriend/hubby had hit them.

I echo the advice that get an independent adult to try and be a go between.

My only thoughts on this would be why does she think you hit her? Most sane people don't out and out lie. Sure they'll miss big parts of the truth out but not lie.

stuartmmcfc

8,653 posts

191 months

Thursday 15th March 2012
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If she's got PND then she's not "sane" at the moment.
Time is one of the biggest healers in this sort of situation.
Don 't fk it up before things have cooled down.

steeveeboy

Original Poster:

663 posts

172 months

Thursday 15th March 2012
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I havent got it in me to hit a woman, she told her friend that i had beaten her (bruise was all up her side) now bearing in mind even at the time i was on crutches with all the ligaments ripped in my leg her story is a bit feeble, as soon as her fathers eyes set on me he went mental, ive had threats from her other friends who dont know and curiously enough a boy threatening me!

Puggit

48,318 posts

247 months

Thursday 15th March 2012
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steeveeboy said:
I havent got it in me to hit a woman, she told her friend that i had beaten her (bruise was all up her side) now bearing in mind even at the time i was on crutches with all the ligaments ripped in my leg her story is a bit feeble, as soon as her fathers eyes set on me he went mental, ive had threats from her other friends who dont know and curiously enough a boy threatening me!
Mental - for the sake of your child I hope you can sort it all out, but when they start lying about such serious subjects...

As per a few previous posters, get some impartial and professional assistance.

oldbanger

4,316 posts

237 months

Thursday 15th March 2012
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One thing going for you at the moment is that you have been left holding the baby, rather than the baby's rather unwell mother. Baby should be no 1 priority and you need to be the bigger person here, even if it means growing up.

Assuming that what you've told us is true, you need to get your house in order with baby before your girlfriend or her parent's ask for baby back.

1) Find baby's red book if possible. Book the earliest non-emergency long/double appointment with baby's GP, in baby's name, that you can get. Take book and a freshly bathed, tidily presented baby along with you. Explain that baby's mum has gone AWOL and you are the primary carer for the time being at least. Explain that you were already involved in baby's care, night feeds etc, and that you are not completely clueless. Explain that you have a bit of a support network, stepdad, other family etc. Tell the GP that you want to make sure that baby doesn't miss any developmental reviews, jabs etc and ask if things are all up to date (shots would normally have been due at 4 months). Listen to any advice they have or offers of assistance. Tell the GP about your girlfriend's erratic behaviour and that her family don't seem to recognise that she might be ill. Ask if there's anything they can do to help.

red book - http://www.nhs.uk/Planners/birthtofive/Pages/Check...

2) Consider contacting the baby's health visitor (details will be in the red book) and have a similar conversation with them too.

3) Clean your place from top to bottom (and immediately out the front), rope in mates/family to help. Keep it as clean as you can manage with a baby in tow. Keep the beer, ciggies etc tidied away (if you partake). In my experience, social services put a lot of weight on tidiness/cleanliness - far more than they should - in deciding whether to give people the benefit of the doubt about the standard of childcare. Be as friendly and open as you can if they do turn up, as compliance is another thing they will be looking for when they make any risk assessment.

4) Contact your girlfriend/girlfriend's parents. Tell them that you now realise that you didn't support her enough and that her crisis is a result of that. Tell them that you're sorry and that you hope that your girlfriend will get the help she needs. If they rant and rave, calmly state your case. Then leave them to it for at least a while. I'd probably even let her keep the car for now - you don't need to stir up another hornets nest.

5) Look for support where you can. Gingerbread may be able to give some practical advice for example. http://www.gingerbread.org.uk/


Edited by oldbanger on Thursday 15th March 19:01

prand

5,907 posts

195 months

Thursday 15th March 2012
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Awesome, very practical and sensible advice above!

stuartmmcfc

8,653 posts

191 months

Thursday 15th March 2012
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prand said:
Awesome, very practical and sensible advice above!
+1

steeveeboy

Original Poster:

663 posts

172 months

Thursday 15th March 2012
quotequote all
That is amazing advice and im so grateful for it, i called the health visitor and had a chat with her, she said because of living with my parents and visiting the house shes happy that amy stays with me until things are sorted, she also said shes going to go and see the gf tomorrow at her house and try and find out whats been going on, i also said about her accusing me of hitting her to which she said "judging your character from my visits that sounds like total rubbish"

cymtriks

4,560 posts

244 months

Thursday 15th March 2012
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OP

Try not to get too upset about her telling people how terrible you are. She is just trying to attack you emotionally and psychologically by telling these lies. It's part of her condition.

Miguel Alvarez said:
My only thoughts on this would be why does she think you hit her? Most sane people don't out and out lie.
Girls do. Especially about this sort of thing and especially when they have some reason, justifiable or not, to give a bloke a hard time.

Miguel Alvarez said:
Sure they'll miss big parts of the truth out but not lie.
That as well.

Steeveeboy said:
..as soon as her fathers eyes set on me he went mental, ive had threats from her other friends who don't know and curiously enough a boy threatening me!
If you care what these people think calmly state your case. If they repeat the accusations tell them that they would not like someone spreading lies about them so could they please stop telling them about you. Stick to this line.

I'm sorry to say that some people will belive her. It really does make you wonder where they have been all their lives as surely some of them, at least, will have encountered a Mental and will have the brainpower to recognise what is going on.

health visitor said:
"judging your character from my visits that sounds like total rubbish"
She's seen it before! She probably deals with two or three complete Mentals every week!

zetec

4,465 posts

250 months

Thursday 15th March 2012
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OP, I hope you get things sorted.

One thing that came into my mind today, you talk of closure, there will never, ever, be closure for you. There is a child involved and that child will need a father figure, forever.

BorkFactor

7,257 posts

157 months

Friday 16th March 2012
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Good luck to you OP - all I can really say is take the advice that is listed above.

Make absolutely sure that you keep your head and don't let the red mist descend - her family are waiting for you to fk up so they can point the finger at you, don't give them that chance.

Keep your house and the baby looking very presentable especially when the girlfriend / girlfriend's family / social workers / other health professionals are over.

Keep us updated, there are a lot of people on here who can offer you good advice and hopefully provide the best outcome for you, and most importantly, your daughter smile

snowdude2910

754 posts

163 months

Friday 16th March 2012
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If your relationship was good before the baby came along then I'd think long and hard before letting it go if I were you.
I have a 16month old so the sleepless nights are a not too distant memory now but from the other side I can tell you it only gets better babywise your already a 5th of the way towards easy street (comparatively speaking) so keep it up :-)
As for your O/H although it's hard I'd try not to take things that she says and does whilst depressed to heart, this is only temporary and in order to come out of the other side it'll mean making sacrafices and letting things slide that you usually wouldn't. But if it was a good relationship before what is a few months of stress and looking the terrible boyfriend compared to 60+ years as a mostly happy family? If you want to sort things you need to stick with her despite your friends and family thinking (and often telling you) your mad and just be patient and wait for her to come back to her normal self again, I wouldn't even bother trying to sort your relationship until she regains herself which she will just try and be as accomidating as you can whatever it takes things will be good again.
My O/H suffers from bi-polar so depression is an occasional challenge in our lives, you just have to tell yourself it's not permanent let things slide and just ride it out with them. When depressed she doesn't care about me to an extent the kids or anything else in her life, she'll spend money like water with no regard for what we actually need it for and just generally please herself. My family don't understand and just think she is taking the piss again as do my friends it's just something you have to ignore it's not worth arguing with them I just thank them for their concern but it's my business and I'll do the worrying about it although sometimes not that politely.
I sincerely feel for you and hope you sort things out only you know if your relationship is worth the effort but I wish you luck with whatever you decide to do, people who say she's clearly not the sort of person you'd want to be with have probably never experienced depression 4years ago before meeting my O/H I'd have been on that side of the fence too but it really isn't her fault and she can't help it.
I'm by no means an expert and this is just my experience but I hope it helps you whatever you do just keep in mind that this is only temporary and she can't help it and you can get through it with everything you dreamt of before the little one arrived :-)

gtdc

4,259 posts

282 months

Friday 16th March 2012
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You just couldn't have better advice than Old Banger's above.

SeanyD

3,371 posts

199 months

Friday 16th March 2012
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Only thing I would suggest is you, babies mother, and a midwife type person have an open and honest discussion, without any interfering family around. Only you and the mother can work things out one way or another. I would add a new born baby will test any relationship to the limit, no matter how solid you've been before baby arrived, work with each other and not against each other.

Hope you work it out, and hope it doesn't end up in another 'mental using baby as bribery' relationship, which seems quite common these days.

Miguel Alvarez

4,944 posts

169 months

Friday 16th March 2012
quotequote all
cymtriks said:
OP

Try not to get too upset about her telling people how terrible you are. She is just trying to attack you emotionally and psychologically by telling these lies. It's part of her condition.

Miguel Alvarez said:
My only thoughts on this would be why does she think you hit her? Most sane people don't out and out lie.
Girls do. Especially about this sort of thing and especially when they have some reason, justifiable or not, to give a bloke a hard time.
I was going to say I must have been very luck with the mentals but remembered one loopy ex who I had to call the police for.

gtdc

4,259 posts

282 months

Friday 16th March 2012
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It's not really fair to talk about this in terms of the "mental". The OP is having a very seriously stty and scary time with a partner (and a new baby) who quite probably has PND. "The mental" on the other hand seems to be largely encouraged/enabled by the junior members of the forum in return for a more exciting frisk in reward.

The two are rather different.

Miguel Alvarez

4,944 posts

169 months

Friday 16th March 2012
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Very true.

oldbanger

4,316 posts

237 months

Sunday 18th March 2012
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steeveeboy said:
That is amazing advice and im so grateful for it, i called the health visitor and had a chat with her, she said because of living with my parents and visiting the house shes happy that amy stays with me until things are sorted, she also said shes going to go and see the gf tomorrow at her house and try and find out whats been going on, i also said about her accusing me of hitting her to which she said "judging your character from my visits that sounds like total rubbish"
Good to see things are hopefully moving in the right direction. Let us know how you get on. smile

R1gtr

3,423 posts

153 months

Sunday 18th March 2012
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The whole family sound like scum, leave them to it, she will turn her on her parents as she won't have you to blame any more.
Or call the police and say that ex has gone mental, accusing you of stuff, father tried to assault you etc, they may get in some specialists who can assess and help her, she def needs help but not from you, you deserve better.

steeveeboy

Original Poster:

663 posts

172 months

Tuesday 10th April 2012
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Sorry for the long wait, the update is ive called it a day! Ive had enough of the aggro, shes a person i dont want to be in tow with any more, thank you for the advice, im going to do my beat to be there for my daughter