Has anyone used a private detective?
Discussion
I can't not respond as this exactly what happened to me, almost word perfect. Tried to PM, but you don't accepts emails .. this goes against most advice on here, but I wish that I had hired a PI, and still do, even 8 years later. It would have made a LOT of difference to many aspects of my life for her not to be able to take a moral high ground - as it is she could/can just deny deny, even though he moved in with her the day after we sold our house.
Still the best thing that happened to me though!
Still the best thing that happened to me though!
t bond new boyfriend, launch a fruit ff his heed, then getleathered. It'll all work out in the end.OP has others have said, you need to sort out your finances to ensure that you are not f***ed over.
Being realistic, what do you want out of this? Do you want your wife to love you? Finish her affair? Remain living in the same house even with the kids regardless of her affair? It's a tough question but what are you hoping for as an outcome here?
Being realistic, what do you want out of this? Do you want your wife to love you? Finish her affair? Remain living in the same house even with the kids regardless of her affair? It's a tough question but what are you hoping for as an outcome here?
AJS- said:
Why? Then she'll know she's been rumbled. Get some evidence of her adultery and divorce her on those grounds, before she buries it and divorces you on some other spurious grounds, goes weeping to the courts and lawyers and screws you over for your house, money and possibly even access to children as well.
I've seen it happen, and sorry to play SWT PH classic but some women can be as cynical and manipulative as all hell with stuff like that and it's an awful thing to see.
On the assumption that she is a decent mother, and the OP said as much in his original post, the grounds of the divorce will not effect the settlement. She was almost certainly get the house/money/custody. The best interests of the children are paramount. If she loves the kids like the OP says, then she is unlikely to deny the OP access. She'll want what's best for the kids.I've seen it happen, and sorry to play SWT PH classic but some women can be as cynical and manipulative as all hell with stuff like that and it's an awful thing to see.
Tyrewrecker said:
Ikemi said:
Only if she has set one ... Fingers crossed she hasn't!
Indeed. But surely if she is getting nailed by every tom dick and harry she will have. Wont stop texts flashing up though.blindswelledrat said:
A bit down said:
I have a wonderful relationship with both of them and they dote on me - they much prefer me to their mother.
.
I can't really put my finger on it, but above all else this sentence saddens me. Your marriage is long-dead I am afraid..
Zwolf said:
A bit down said:
I'm sure she would say she met a friend at the services and left her car there for convenience while they went for food/shopping.
Women do not meet each other at services for the horrendously overpriced culinary and shopping delights on offer. If they live a fair distance apart, they usually take turns at meeting in their own towns or pick a neutral one for a change of scene. Driving to services, leaving one car, going off shopping and returning to collect the car is unlikely in the extreme and I think you know that, however much you would like to think otherwise. Zwolf said:
A bit down said:
I certainly haven't been shown any pictures of the trip.
Another loud alarm bell. The first thing my wife would do is bore me to tears with pics, I'd be concerned indeed if she didn't spend hours and hours telling me all about it and what she got up to upon her return. You do not know anything but you have to consider what you would do with knowledge one way or the other. I would be devastated if my OH genuinely thought I was having an affair and would struggle to recover from the suspicions.
I want everyone to be happy and am sometimes very naive but your story does not fill me with confidence.
TwigtheWonderkid said:
AJS- said:
Why? Then she'll know she's been rumbled. Get some evidence of her adultery and divorce her on those grounds, before she buries it and divorces you on some other spurious grounds, goes weeping to the courts and lawyers and screws you over for your house, money and possibly even access to children as well.
I've seen it happen, and sorry to play SWT PH classic but some women can be as cynical and manipulative as all hell with stuff like that and it's an awful thing to see.
On the assumption that she is a decent mother, and the OP said as much in his original post, the grounds of the divorce will not effect the settlement. She was almost certainly get the house/money/custody. The best interests of the children are paramount. If she loves the kids like the OP says, then she is unlikely to deny the OP access. She'll want what's best for the kids.I've seen it happen, and sorry to play SWT PH classic but some women can be as cynical and manipulative as all hell with stuff like that and it's an awful thing to see.
I don't doubt that she does care for her kids, but in nearly every divorce I've seen, especially where the wife is cheating, even the apparently calmest and most devoted mother's turn into manipulative vipers who will use any tool at their disposal to ensure their own wellbeing.
Mistakes happen, people get restless and sometimes meeting someone else is the prompt to do something about it. But then why didn't she go to the OP at some point (well before now) and say "It's over. I've met someone else, and I'm really sorry for that. But I want to separate and move on." Then work out a mutually satisfactory divorce settlement.
Instead she's been running around behind the OPs back for two months, taking contraceptive pills "to calm her moods" and I don't doubt grabbing every penny of the OPs money she can ready to clear off when she's good and ready, and leave the OP high and dry. Then no doubt divorce him sighting his neglect and unreasonable behaviour.
A bit down said:
- she does have an iPhone but there is no way I will get near it
tick A bit down said:
- one thing I remembered last night is that she went back on the pill a couple of months ago "to help control her moods". She had never been a fan of the pill before and put up with it as she thought it was the best option, but she had been very moody for a while and it seemed plausible at the time. She had been off it for several years.
tick A bit down said:
- she actually asked me to buy her some Canesten a couple of weeks ago (which I did) as she said she was suffering with thrush. I have no idea whether that's true or relevant but I thought I'd mention it here in case it's pertinent.
tick A bit down said:
- I haven't spoken to her parents about this although I have a very good relationship with them. She is insistent that I shouldn't, as "they are my parents and I don't want you talking to them about this" and "it's none of their business anyway". I have respected this so far but I know they are dying to talk to me.
tick Time to get your affairs in order young man (no pun intented), get some slush fund built up if possible and definitely get to have a chat with her parents. No wild accusations (I don't get the impression you'd do that), but a calm conversation with them, laying out what you've said here and see what it was that got them riled up - that might just fill in a few gaps for you.
Good luck OP, its not a fun place to be at all. Oh, and start talking to one or two of your close friends, you'll need them more than you know in the future.
Sorry to say OP, but the writing is on the wall. Some may mock people coming on PH to air their problems but sometimes it takes writing it down and having it looked at by complete strangers to finally put all the pieces together.
With the holiday to Turkey, the parking fine, going back on the pill and Thrush cream it looks 99% certain to me.
Just take her phone when she's in the shower or asleep, there will almost certainly be some text/call/images on it if she's so protective of it. If she was clever enough to delete all evidence as soon as it came onto the phone, she would have shown you the phone when you questioned if she was having an affair.
And finally, I'm truly sorry that this has happened. You seem like a genuinely nice chap.
With the holiday to Turkey, the parking fine, going back on the pill and Thrush cream it looks 99% certain to me.
Just take her phone when she's in the shower or asleep, there will almost certainly be some text/call/images on it if she's so protective of it. If she was clever enough to delete all evidence as soon as it came onto the phone, she would have shown you the phone when you questioned if she was having an affair.
And finally, I'm truly sorry that this has happened. You seem like a genuinely nice chap.
There is at least one way in which the OP is better off than many other man whose wives are about to have them thrown out, and that is that he knows it is coming (whether he accepts that or not). The best advice that has been on this thread so far is to start preparing. It will only need one small crisis to trigger the actual breakup, and then it will be too late.
I'm not sure if the lawyer is a good idea or not, at this stage anyway. But advice from people who have been through this themselves will be invaluable, all he has to do is to start taking it.
I'm not sure if the lawyer is a good idea or not, at this stage anyway. But advice from people who have been through this themselves will be invaluable, all he has to do is to start taking it.
OP, been in a not dissimilar position regarding the lack of sex in a relationship etc.
I'm afraid you are married in name only, your "wife" left years ago. You're just two "family carers" who live in the same house.
Don't worry about your marriage breaking up, that happened years ago.
Sorry mate.
I'm afraid you are married in name only, your "wife" left years ago. You're just two "family carers" who live in the same house.
Don't worry about your marriage breaking up, that happened years ago.
Sorry mate.
OP - gutted for you - it must be incredibly hard, but I'd say this, think of yourself a bit more mate. The family clearly dote on you, and you clearly do a hell of a lot for them - so take a little bit of time for yourself.
I work in law and have dealt with plenty of divorces - not all of them have to be the hate filled court battles that people imagine. Good luck.
I work in law and have dealt with plenty of divorces - not all of them have to be the hate filled court battles that people imagine. Good luck.
OP,
Despite everyone on here saying she's 'at it' with someone else you should try to balance things up, she may not be seeing anyone and you may just be over emotional and paranoid.
Us blokes at terrible with assuming the worst when it comes to our partners. All they need to do is come in late from a night on the town and we think they're seeing someone when the reality is they're just on the pi** with their mates dancing around handbags. We put 2 and 2 together and always get 5. I've got a mate who went to jail because he couldnt control his emotions, he beat a guy up v badly who he thought was seeing his Mrs on the sly, turned out the other guy was of a different persuasion and just a mate of hers!! Not everything is as it seems in most occaisions.
Hiring a PD isn't going to help anything, if you're that suspicious why don't you just ask her?
Despite everyone on here saying she's 'at it' with someone else you should try to balance things up, she may not be seeing anyone and you may just be over emotional and paranoid.
Us blokes at terrible with assuming the worst when it comes to our partners. All they need to do is come in late from a night on the town and we think they're seeing someone when the reality is they're just on the pi** with their mates dancing around handbags. We put 2 and 2 together and always get 5. I've got a mate who went to jail because he couldnt control his emotions, he beat a guy up v badly who he thought was seeing his Mrs on the sly, turned out the other guy was of a different persuasion and just a mate of hers!! Not everything is as it seems in most occaisions.
Hiring a PD isn't going to help anything, if you're that suspicious why don't you just ask her?
Oakey said:
I would concur with those who say to get some evidence before you go in guns blazing. Even with evidence she's still going to deny it so it'll be hell for you if you accuse her without any.
I would not, I can't see what he's going to do with the info once he's got it, it would be extremely counter productive to accuse her of anything, that's the triggering point for the whole thing to collapse, and he will be out on his ear.Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff