Has anyone used a private detective?

[MissChief]

Kateg28 said:

You know what, she might not brainwash them. My ex husband was the cheater yet I never slagged him off to my son. Their relationship is their business.

However, you need to be strong and behave properly no matter what she does. Do not slag her off to them, it will not work in your favour. Be honourable in all that you do and the children will see that.

This is true, but you seem to be (worryingly) not consumed by, in PH speak, 'The Mental'. A friend who's parents got divorced once told me her mother used to bad mouth her dad every time she could. All it taught her was that her mother was a vindictive and spiteful person and she's closer to her Dad because of it. Always remember the kids come first and she, as much as you hate her is their mum and always will be and they love her. Bite your tongue if necessary, but never say a bad word about her to your kids.

[Kateg28]

Oh, I have The Mental. I am just hiding it and storing it up until I can unleash it on my unsuspecting (and undeserving) OH at the most inappropriate time.



Or maybe not......

[blindswelledrat]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

One anecdote does not make a rule.
My parents divorced when I was about 7 and my brothers and sisters were similar. We all acted like ABDs children as our world briefly fell apart.
2 months later and it was no big deal.
I know literally dozens of people whos parents divorced and all of them without exception see it as largely an irrelevance.
Sorry to put a dampner on you trying to put a dampner on ABD, but I think you are completely wrong on this.

[DannyScene]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

Agreed, my best mates mum split from his dad when he was 7 and married his dads brother a year on (jeremy kyle that st)
Both my best mate and his little brother have been nothing but successful since and it hasn't efected them negatively at all
Too many kids/single parents will use the divorce as a reason to argue why their kid is a little st, gets boring if im honest

[Kateg28]

DannyScene said:

Too many kids/single parents will use the divorce as a reason to argue why their kid is a little st, gets boring if im honest

Spot on.

Concentrate on the positives, my son boasts about his two Christmasses (Christmi?), two holidays, two birthday celebrations, so much so that I have to reign him in sometimes.

They still need structure and confidence in their parents unfailing love and stability. No life is perfect, you just play to it's strengths and work around it's negatives. To be honest, I sometimes feel sorry for people in nuclear families as I get a weekend off from being 'on duty', and I have an amazing relationship with my son which we both admit would not be the same if I had not got divorced. There are positives when all the initial pain starts to ease. Look for the silver lining, it will appear eventually if you seek it.

[BliarOut]

A bit down said:

We told the children tonight. We put a lot of thought into what to say, made sure we reassured them as much as possible, told them how much we both loved them and that we will be staying friends so they don't need to feel uncomfortable and can talk to either of us about anything at any time.

They both tried to be brave for a few minutes, then fell to pieces. They are still crying now, three hours later. This has absolutely broken my heart - I absolutely hate X at the moment. Although I take some responsibility for letting our marriage slip, it didn't need to come to this and it is her fault that it has.

I have no idea how I am supposed to be civil to this woman for the next ten years. I have a lot of patience, but not this much.

She moves out next weekend. The house is full of boxes, the kids don't know if they are coming or going (literally) and everything is a mess. I'm really, really hoping it can only get better from here but I fear that with X in our lives, the worst will be yet to come.

Sorry for the downer post, but I have never felt this bad in my life.

Edited by A bit down on Friday 2nd November 22:45

When the time comes for her to move out, help her and the kids settle and play up the good points for them. Help them set out their new rooms and generally be involved in their new adventure.

It'll be tough on you, but it will help the kids enormously and that's what really matters

[Ari]

Kateg28 said:

DannyScene said:

Too many kids/single parents will use the divorce as a reason to argue why their kid is a little st, gets boring if im honest

Spot on.

Concentrate on the positives, my son boasts about his two Christmasses (Christmi?), two holidays, two birthday celebrations, so much so that I have to reign him in sometimes.

They still need structure and confidence in their parents unfailing love and stability. No life is perfect, you just play to it's strengths and work around it's negatives. To be honest, I sometimes feel sorry for people in nuclear families as I get a weekend off from being 'on duty', and I have an amazing relationship with my son which we both admit would not be the same if I had not got divorced. There are positives when all the initial pain starts to ease. Look for the silver lining, it will appear eventually if you seek it.

Wise words both.

There are hundreds of thousands of kids from divorced parents out there, the vast majority are happy normal kids. Sure, there are some that will be "permanently affected/scarred" by it, but chances are if it wasn't that it'll be something else.

[Ari]

Pig Skill said:

Might be worth talking to the wife and agreeing a common explanation of what has happened and stick to it.

Wouldn't bother. They'll get her version of events whatever's "agreed".

[mikefacel]

blindswelledrat said:

One anecdote does not make a rule.
My parents divorced when I was about 7 and my brothers and sisters were similar. We all acted like ABDs children as our world briefly fell apart.
2 months later and it was no big deal.
I know literally dozens of people whos parents divorced and all of them without exception see it as largely an irrelevance.
Sorry to put a dampner on you trying to put a dampner on ABD, but I think you are completely wrong on this.

Quite right. I'm a year ahead of ABD and things get a lot better and the kids get used to their altered life. Yes there are some big downs, but the kids (and me) have made some seriously good progress (kids mainly live with me - I'm their dad). I strongly recommend this book - bought a copy for the ex too - it really has helped us minimise the impact on the kids (there's always an impact but it is fundamental the parents are civil to eachother and the kids see that they are both still there for them): It's No Big Deal Really: A Parent's Guide to Making Divorce Easy for Children

[Boshly]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

It was bound to have more of an impact to the older generations as it used to carry a stigma that maybe would have affected a child of divorced parents. That's no longer the case these days as divorce is more common and considerably more acceptable.

I would therefore suggest, that research is out of date.

[tonyvid]

A bit down said:

They both tried to be brave for a few minutes, then fell to pieces. They are still crying now, three hours later. This has absolutely broken my heart - I absolutely hate X at the moment. Although I take some responsibility for letting our marriage slip, it didn't need to come to this and it is her fault that it has.

I have no idea how I am supposed to be civil to this woman for the next ten years. I have a lot of patience, but not this much.

What a horrid situation. I really hope she can't look at herself in the mirror after what she has done to her family.

You've been amazing up to this point ABD, dig deep and lay the foundations for you and your kids happiness.

[blindswelledrat]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

Out of interest, why are you so insistently trying to make ABD feel worse about this? TO the extent that you are hunting for twisted-fact Daily Mail articles which "prove" that he is harming his child?
As for that statistic:

DailyMailTripe said:

Millennium Study results show that fewer than 5 per cent of girls and only 7 per cent of boys from traditional families have behavioural difficulties at age five. Among unemployed lone mother families, the figures are 18 per cent for girls and 22 per cent for boys

What a load of fking tripe. What is the average demographic of "unemployed lone mothers"?
Do you honestly think that stating that the children of this demographic on average has a higher incident of behavioural problems than ordinary familise has any bearing whatsoever on ABD and this thread?

[Landlord]

blindswelledrat said:

anonymous said:

[redacted]

Out of interest, why are you so insistently trying to make ABD feel worse about this? TO the extent that you are hunting for twisted-fact Daily Mail articles which "prove" that he is harming his child?
As for that statistic:

DailyMailTripe said:

Millennium Study results show that fewer than 5 per cent of girls and only 7 per cent of boys from traditional families have behavioural difficulties at age five. Among unemployed lone mother families, the figures are 18 per cent for girls and 22 per cent for boys

What a load of fking tripe. What is the average demographic of "unemployed lone mothers"?
Do you honestly think that stating that the children of this demographic on average has a higher incident of behavioural problems than ordinary familise has any bearing whatsoever on ABD and this thread?

Here, here.

[blindswelledrat]

But you are stating something as fact, when it is evident that your only support is one friend and a daily mail article with no actual point to it.
I love the way you dismiss everyone elses opinion as "lemmings" because they disagree with you.
SO in your arrogant eyes, if you hold an opinion and nobody else agrees with you it is certainly because they are all copying each other and has nothing to do with the possibility that you are wrong?

[Landlord]

Aaaaaaanyway. This is ABD's thread. No need to argue about opinions on here.

[shibby!]

Just a quick post to let you know i came in to this very late, i thought this was a thread about private detectives.
I have read it from start to finish.

Thanks for updating it all.

I hope it all works for you, unfortunatly things like this happen, and i suppose you have to take it on the chin for fear of making it worse i suppose.

I hope it all works anyway, and that you are not paying for an ex wifes lifestyle instead of the kids.
Seems like you have been a good man through it.

[minimoog]

Landlord said:

Aaaaaaanyway. This is ABD's thread. No need to argue about opinions on here.

Hopefully the assurance that divorce does not equal fked-up kids will be of use to ABD.

My parents faught like hell my entire childhood and eventually divorced when I was 16. Apart from being tiresome and occasionally distressing to behold the conflict didn't affect me mentally at all, and I still love them both very much.

<sticks another pin in the efigies>

[Kateg28]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

You are not comparing apples with apples. Working versus unemployed could be the factor, not the marital status of the parents. Divorce does affect the children but it can be minimised and ABD is focussing on this. My son is well adjusted, getting good grades, persuing interests and is happy with life (and he has a great relationship with his father). And he was brought up from the age of 3 weeks in a lone mother household.

But I have always been employed....

And I believe in structure and stability dealt out within a framework of love.

[tank slapper]

Why do people have to generalise then insist their position is the only one?

From experience, parent's divorce can be a very damaging experience, but it really depends on the circumstances and personalities of the people and the ages of the children involved. My parents divorce was protracted and very bitter, and it absolutely had a negative effect.

It is not guaranteed to be detrimental, but I think that to dismiss the possibility out of hand is not sensible.

[blindswelledrat]

tank slapper said:

Why do people have to generalise then insist their position is the only one?

From experience, parent's divorce can be a very damaging experience, but it really depends on the circumstances and personalities of the people and the ages of the children involved. My parents divorce was protracted and very bitter, and it absolutely had a negative effect.

It is not guaranteed to be detrimental, but I think that to dismiss the possibility out of hand is not sensible.

Agreed, but you can see that ABD is extremely level-headed and the divorce is inevitably going to be amicable for the sake of the kids and that both parties see the kids welfare as being central to the arrangements. THere is no need to speculate on what other types of family suffer and when, merely the situation we have here and I don't think anyone could take that scenario and think that it will have any significant long term effects on the children.