Has anyone used a private detective?
Discussion
A bit down said:
Well, they are gone (yesterday). Most of the furniture has gone and the place seems like a shell with bare walls/spaces everywhere. I'm here by myself and for the first time I can remember, it's quiet.
I won't see the kids until Thursday when I pick them up from school, this is really upsetting me.
I know this outcome is for the best and I do feel like a cloud has been lifted without X around. I'll be seeing a lawyer next week and trying to keep busy at work for the next few days - difficult as all I can think about is the children.
I'm so sad it has come to this. Apart from the children, I feel like I have wasted 16 years.
Hopefully this is the start of much better times. Thanks again for the messages and support, it means a lot.
When you have a chance, read this back to your self out loud. When you do, I hope you will see, as I do that there should be no sense of waste in the passing of sixteen years. Throughout this time, you have learned a great deal, done a great deal and developed in more ways than you can consciously think.I won't see the kids until Thursday when I pick them up from school, this is really upsetting me.
I know this outcome is for the best and I do feel like a cloud has been lifted without X around. I'll be seeing a lawyer next week and trying to keep busy at work for the next few days - difficult as all I can think about is the children.
I'm so sad it has come to this. Apart from the children, I feel like I have wasted 16 years.
Hopefully this is the start of much better times. Thanks again for the messages and support, it means a lot.
It is indeed the start of different times - times that need to be perhaps at first grappled with as you would a cactus, but in time to be carried comfortably and with confidence in the knowledge that you and your children can and have come through this as complete peoples. Step aside a moment or two and see your self walking a mile in your shoes and see the man who is indeed forging ahead in life. It's not easy, it's all new and unsure, but every day will return to you, something new and different. Embrace the change, what ever it is, both good and bad and life will turn the way you want it to. Mourn the sense of loss, grieve in part for those parts now history, but live. Remember to really, really live.
Hello ABD, Now might be a good time to consider engaging with a counsellor. A lot has been said about keeping strong and keeping your chin up, this can be unhelpful as at some time that's not what you need. Within a counselling relationship you can in a safe place be authentic with yourself and go with what ever emotion is right for you rather then bottling it up.
Try not to think of the past 16 years as wasted, you have two kids who you love and sure there are a lot of other good memories. Time to look forward and move onto the next chapter of your life, things will get better and you will look back and think I'm glad I did what I did.
Chin up and keep smiling.
Chin up and keep smiling.
Lotusless said:
Try not to think of the past 16 years as wasted, you have two kids who you love and sure there are a lot of other good memories. Time to look forward and move onto the next chapter of your life, things will get better and you will look back and think I'm glad I did what I did.
Chin up and keep smiling.
100% agree.Chin up and keep smiling.
You have not wasted your time at all.
blindswelledrat said:
A bit down said:
. Apart from the children, I feel like I have wasted 16 years.
The simple way to look at this is to ask yourself that if you could trade those 16 years for different kids, what would you do?It's a no-brainer.
Mate you have my sympathy & understanding because... 3 years ago I went through the same, married 12 years, 2 children who were 9 & 12 at the time.
So I felt the same achy..empty pain you feel in your stomach & heart. I thought just the same, what a waste of 12 years. Lost my house/home, lost my family. It's the little things that hurt the most, like putting your kids to bed at night with a hug & kiss.
I had to leave the maritalnhome...of course, so I ended up buying a small caravan & lived on my aunts drive for 6 months.
Now though, I can see much clearer and rationally, the years were not wasted, how could they be, I got 2 amazing kids out of it! It took a while to heal, but heal you will. Try to see your kids as much as possible. Call them regularly on the phone, they will need reassuring you are still there for them.
My life now is 100% better. I bought my own house 2 years ago, moved to a different area but still close enough to see the kids, and I have a new relationship. Looking back now, I can see how miserable I had become. My ex had cheated after 2 years together, but I lived in denial, that it was a one off & would not happen again. It did of course. But now it feels like that time, that relationship was someone else, not me.
Life will improve, I know it's corny & cliche.. but time is a great healer. Hang in there, follow some of the advice on here, get out with some mates, keep yourself busy. Good luck
So I felt the same achy..empty pain you feel in your stomach & heart. I thought just the same, what a waste of 12 years. Lost my house/home, lost my family. It's the little things that hurt the most, like putting your kids to bed at night with a hug & kiss.
I had to leave the maritalnhome...of course, so I ended up buying a small caravan & lived on my aunts drive for 6 months.
Now though, I can see much clearer and rationally, the years were not wasted, how could they be, I got 2 amazing kids out of it! It took a while to heal, but heal you will. Try to see your kids as much as possible. Call them regularly on the phone, they will need reassuring you are still there for them.
My life now is 100% better. I bought my own house 2 years ago, moved to a different area but still close enough to see the kids, and I have a new relationship. Looking back now, I can see how miserable I had become. My ex had cheated after 2 years together, but I lived in denial, that it was a one off & would not happen again. It did of course. But now it feels like that time, that relationship was someone else, not me.
Life will improve, I know it's corny & cliche.. but time is a great healer. Hang in there, follow some of the advice on here, get out with some mates, keep yourself busy. Good luck
Waynester said:
Mate you have my sympathy & understanding because... 3 years ago I went through the same, married 12 years, 2 children who were 9 & 12 at the time.
So I felt the same achy..empty pain you feel in your stomach & heart. I thought just the same, what a waste of 12 years. Lost my house/home, lost my family. It's the little things that hurt the most, like putting your kids to bed at night with a hug & kiss.
I had to leave the maritalnhome...of course, so I ended up buying a small caravan & lived on my aunts drive for 6 months.
Now though, I can see much clearer and rationally, the years were not wasted, how could they be, I got 2 amazing kids out of it! It took a while to heal, but heal you will. Try to see your kids as much as possible. Call them regularly on the phone, they will need reassuring you are still there for them.
My life now is 100% better. I bought my own house 2 years ago, moved to a different area but still close enough to see the kids, and I have a new relationship. Looking back now, I can see how miserable I had become. My ex had cheated after 2 years together, but I lived in denial, that it was a one off & would not happen again. It did of course. But now it feels like that time, that relationship was someone else, not me.
Life will improve, I know it's corny & cliche.. but time is a great healer. Hang in there, follow some of the advice on here, get out with some mates, keep yourself busy. Good luck
Wow, what a sad thing to read. You certainly went from the top to the bottom there.So I felt the same achy..empty pain you feel in your stomach & heart. I thought just the same, what a waste of 12 years. Lost my house/home, lost my family. It's the little things that hurt the most, like putting your kids to bed at night with a hug & kiss.
I had to leave the maritalnhome...of course, so I ended up buying a small caravan & lived on my aunts drive for 6 months.
Now though, I can see much clearer and rationally, the years were not wasted, how could they be, I got 2 amazing kids out of it! It took a while to heal, but heal you will. Try to see your kids as much as possible. Call them regularly on the phone, they will need reassuring you are still there for them.
My life now is 100% better. I bought my own house 2 years ago, moved to a different area but still close enough to see the kids, and I have a new relationship. Looking back now, I can see how miserable I had become. My ex had cheated after 2 years together, but I lived in denial, that it was a one off & would not happen again. It did of course. But now it feels like that time, that relationship was someone else, not me.
Life will improve, I know it's corny & cliche.. but time is a great healer. Hang in there, follow some of the advice on here, get out with some mates, keep yourself busy. Good luck
Its good to hear you are making a new life now and that the children you have are a part of it!
I'm sure your story will serve as a good source of hope for our OP
OP, this is the worst period (am about a year ahead of you, similar circumstances). As said above, it gets so much better. I certainly had thoughts of having wasted those years of marriage but really I just made the best decisions I thought at the time and that's all you can ask of life.
Decorating is a great idea - do that and get the kids involved so that they can choose the decor for their room/s. Buy some of the crap that she wouldn't let you too - doesn't have to be an Aston!
Other than making sure you're there for the kids, the biggest tip I'd give is to make time for yourself. You've probably focused too much on pleasing your ex during married life (they take you forgranted for doing that, hence the stupid s
t). Do stuff you enjoy doing, see mates you haven't seen for a while.
You'll need some time to yourself initially, and it's really important that you enjoy your own company. After a few months I made a point that if I haven't got the kids, then I go out - see mates, go to classes, dates, cinema, play football, etc. Now find I'm really enjoying myself. I'm also in another relationship with a really lovely girl but right now am valuing the freedom too much to want to get too serious - being able to do what you want when you want is pretty nice! I'm more relaxed, healthier, happier, doing better at work, and the kids are doing well and happy too.
Be there for the kids and call them when they're not with you. They WILL recover and be happy as long as both their parents are civilised. As said above, think about the positive of a happier future and lucky escape rather than the years "lost" to a miserable marriage that would only have got more miserable into old age. All the best.
Decorating is a great idea - do that and get the kids involved so that they can choose the decor for their room/s. Buy some of the crap that she wouldn't let you too - doesn't have to be an Aston!
Other than making sure you're there for the kids, the biggest tip I'd give is to make time for yourself. You've probably focused too much on pleasing your ex during married life (they take you forgranted for doing that, hence the stupid s
t). Do stuff you enjoy doing, see mates you haven't seen for a while.You'll need some time to yourself initially, and it's really important that you enjoy your own company. After a few months I made a point that if I haven't got the kids, then I go out - see mates, go to classes, dates, cinema, play football, etc. Now find I'm really enjoying myself. I'm also in another relationship with a really lovely girl but right now am valuing the freedom too much to want to get too serious - being able to do what you want when you want is pretty nice! I'm more relaxed, healthier, happier, doing better at work, and the kids are doing well and happy too.
Be there for the kids and call them when they're not with you. They WILL recover and be happy as long as both their parents are civilised. As said above, think about the positive of a happier future and lucky escape rather than the years "lost" to a miserable marriage that would only have got more miserable into old age. All the best.
To Mr ABD
I started to read the first couple of pages ...and then skipped to the end ...knowing what the outcome was going to be.
I was in a similar situation 8 years ago, and it still breaks my heart that my children where not brought up in a traditional family home, however I have never bad mouthed the mother and the children still live with me fifty percent of the time.
I asked my employer if I could have a late start on school mornings so I could drop the children off at school when they stayed with me for 2 nights during the school week ....I put my heart and soul into being a good father and now I have a great relationship with my children, more likely a better relationship than if I had remained married.
In honesty the children more likely spend more time with me than their mother, so keep on fighting to be that good father, children dont need foreign holidays ...they just want adventure so camping is just as much fun to them as going to an airport.
In my opinion, the chemicals in women are in a bad mix around the 39 to 41 year old age bracket, they feel they are in a rut and want to experience something new... problem is the rest of the family also get a new life!
The best bit ...I now have no nagging / no diy and dont have to go shopping ...the drive is filled cars & I can do motorsport without having to justify the expense to anyone.
You have a rough couple of years ahead of you as your head swirls with questions you cant answer ....just get on the internet and find a few ladies to entertain ...it will save you sitting around 'mulling' over life.
Best of luck
I started to read the first couple of pages ...and then skipped to the end ...knowing what the outcome was going to be.
I was in a similar situation 8 years ago, and it still breaks my heart that my children where not brought up in a traditional family home, however I have never bad mouthed the mother and the children still live with me fifty percent of the time.
I asked my employer if I could have a late start on school mornings so I could drop the children off at school when they stayed with me for 2 nights during the school week ....I put my heart and soul into being a good father and now I have a great relationship with my children, more likely a better relationship than if I had remained married.
In honesty the children more likely spend more time with me than their mother, so keep on fighting to be that good father, children dont need foreign holidays ...they just want adventure so camping is just as much fun to them as going to an airport.
In my opinion, the chemicals in women are in a bad mix around the 39 to 41 year old age bracket, they feel they are in a rut and want to experience something new... problem is the rest of the family also get a new life!
The best bit ...I now have no nagging / no diy and dont have to go shopping ...the drive is filled cars & I can do motorsport without having to justify the expense to anyone.
You have a rough couple of years ahead of you as your head swirls with questions you cant answer ....just get on the internet and find a few ladies to entertain ...it will save you sitting around 'mulling' over life.
Best of luck
Hello,
Thanks again for all the kind words and support.
I've been very focused on the children and sorting the house out for the last couple of weeks. The house is now more or less how I want it (and a lot cleaner/tidier!) and the children are doing well, at least when I have them. They have a wobble every now and again but have adapted remarkably quickly. I'm just giving them all the love and support I can and my family and friends have been excellent. I very much feel like I am getting on with my life.
Things seem a bit trickier for them when they are with X but they call/facetime me every day (or when they want some advice) and they are coping with her moodiness very well. My daughter in particular is showing real strength of character - my son is a little young to manage his emotions but he's doing very well too. I'm really proud of both of them.
In an almost unbelievable turn of events, I have been asked out on a date next weekend...I think if it goes well I will marry her.
Nice to feel my sense of humour coming back, anyway
ABD
Thanks again for all the kind words and support.
I've been very focused on the children and sorting the house out for the last couple of weeks. The house is now more or less how I want it (and a lot cleaner/tidier!) and the children are doing well, at least when I have them. They have a wobble every now and again but have adapted remarkably quickly. I'm just giving them all the love and support I can and my family and friends have been excellent. I very much feel like I am getting on with my life.
Things seem a bit trickier for them when they are with X but they call/facetime me every day (or when they want some advice) and they are coping with her moodiness very well. My daughter in particular is showing real strength of character - my son is a little young to manage his emotions but he's doing very well too. I'm really proud of both of them.
In an almost unbelievable turn of events, I have been asked out on a date next weekend...I think if it goes well I will marry her.
Nice to feel my sense of humour coming back, anyway
ABD
A bit down said:
In an almost unbelievable turn of events, I have been asked out on a date next weekend...I think if it goes well I will marry her.
Ahhh... The vultures circling.A man of means... Presumably not pig-ugly... But even if you were... It couldn't be long.
My advice to you is by all means have 'a bit of fun', but make sure you bag it, and don't make any rash decisions until at least two years have passed.
NB: I am female btw. (In body, at least.)
I don't know about not being pig-ugly...
I'm not too worried - this is someone I have known for a very long time (longer than X) and for whom I have a lot of time. I've not seen her for more than ten years though.
However, it's only been two weeks since my wife moved out - I'm just going for an evening out and a bit of company. I know I won't be in any sort of state to make any rational decisions for ages and it will be a very, very long time before I let anyone get close again. I appreciate the guidance though.
I might see if she'll pay
I'm not too worried - this is someone I have known for a very long time (longer than X) and for whom I have a lot of time. I've not seen her for more than ten years though.
However, it's only been two weeks since my wife moved out - I'm just going for an evening out and a bit of company. I know I won't be in any sort of state to make any rational decisions for ages and it will be a very, very long time before I let anyone get close again. I appreciate the guidance though.
I might see if she'll pay
A bit down said:
I might see if she'll pay
No harm in trying 
However it could well be that someone who has been up until now waiting on the sidelines, takes her opportunity for a clear strike at the quarry.
That quarry being you.
David Attenborough's documentaries about lionesses on the Masai Mara have nothing on the stealthy wiles of wimmins of a certain age - especially if they're still secretly hoping for children - when they're on the hunt and scenting fresh prey.
Just sayin'.
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff