Has anyone used a private detective?

[MissChief]

Thanks for the update ABD. I agree it was a slightly bizarre request, especially after so long. Perhaps she still thinks there might be something there, hence the situation with the divorce papers. Starting that process would be very final, perhaps too final in her mind.

It's also understandable that you're unsure about others but there will come a time that you decide that you either need to or are willing to with a particular person. As long as you're aware of it then I think you can work through it.

Regarding work your head is still likely a bit 'not all there' as you put it. You still have a lot of things to work through, a lot of unknowns there too so I think you need to get your head right and everything will drop into place.

You WILL get there though.

[A bit down]

Thanks again. I've grasped the nettle and booked a counselling session for tomorrow. We'll see how it goes.

[Blanchimont]

You're a credit to your children!
Whilst work is hard to focus on at the moment, it will come back, it's just (I suspect) you have more in your mind at the moment, and work is a necessary evil. But, in time, it'll become more pertinent and you'll be able to focus on that.

RE the divorce thing, I think she's still trying to keep her options open, thinking that she still has you as a back up if things go wrong. If I was in your position, I would start divorce proceedings.

[Ari]

A bit down said:

Yes, to move in as a couple. Bizarre but nothing surprises me any more. Obviously Pommygranite is right about the ulterior motive.

That is off the scale..!

[Ari]

A bit down said:

Thanks again. I've grasped the nettle and booked a counselling session for tomorrow. We'll see how it goes.

Very best of luck, I really hope it helps and things work out for you.

[Pommygranite]

A bit down said:

Thanks again. I've grasped the nettle and booked a counselling session for tomorrow. We'll see how it goes.

Good for you, hope it goes well.

[ShyTallKnight]

Thanks for the update ABD. A very quick reply from me but as we're in a very similar position I think what you are going through is perfectly normal. In many ways I'm in the exact same boat..!!

[mikefacel]

Hi ABD, I think you're doing a fantastic job as others are saying. I think I've said before on this thread that I'm a year or two ahead of you. Counselling sounds like a good decision. I have a very basic recommendation: get that divorce done! It gives proper closure, means you can move on into other relationships free of any encumbrance, and not being divorced also affects how others, especially girlfriends or dates, perceive your situation. It really does help your frame of mind and moving on, believe me. Until a few months ago I went out with a woman who is separated but had not divorced and didn't seem to be able to do so. To me it told me a lot about her situation and frame of mind - unable to move on. After my divorce, and my situation was very very similar to yours, it really helped me mentally to move on. Doesn't mean I can open up to someone again, as that's still a problem for me, but certainly has improved. Girl I'm currently seeing is really nice and I'm finding myself thinking maybe I should open my heart again as I too have trust issues like you - takes the right woman and the right time for you.

As for your ex wanting to move back two weeks after a split with her boyfriend - says so much about her as you know. Divorce will also clear any of that crap from her mind too.

Anyroad mate - well done, good progress, A++! (sorry, bit condescending but genuinely seems you've done really well and got your head screwed on). All the best.

[Adam B]

A bit down said:

My relationship with my kids is brilliant. I couldn't have asked for two better children and although they have their challenges we are really close and can/do talk about anything

Echo the compliments above ABD.

What do you say to your kids when they ask about the reason for the split? My daughter is now of the age where these questions are getting close, I won't lie but won't stick the knife in either.

[A bit down]

Thanks a lot for the comments and experiences. When the kids ask I just tell them that it's between me and their Mum but that we both love them very much. I don't think it's for me to tell them and I think they suspect something anyway. They're old enough now to understand that X can be unstable at times.

My counselling was interesting. A very positive experience and we've worked out a plan to try and balance my emotional side a bit over the next few weeks. If nothing else I very much enjoyed the chance to just lay it all out and discuss in an open manner.

[Landlord]

A bit down said:

My relationship with my kids is brilliant.

This is great news. I'm so pleased for you. You say that other areas of your life aren't great, and whilst I have no doubt you already know it, it would be far worse to have it the opposite way round.

[fezst]

ABD, thank you for bumping this thread or I never would have found it.
I think its the most engrossed in a PH thread I have ever been!

[A bit down]

Thanks for the kind words.

X let me know (via text!) yesterday that she's now engaged...at least the divorce paperwork should get sorted now. It's all getting a bit surreal again.

I think it's time for me to ask to meet the new guy. Clearly he's going to be around for a while and I'd like to know what kind of person is going to be around my children - I think that's a reasonable request?

Edited to add, the new guy isn't "A", or whatever I called him in the early messages - just someone she's met since...as far as I know!

Edited by A bit down on Monday 23 November 13:01

[mrtwisty]

Sounds like a perfectly reasonable request to me ABD.

[Buster73]

A bit down said:

Thanks for the kind words.

X let me know (via text!) yesterday that she's now engaged...at least the divorce paperwork should get sorted now. It's all getting a bit surreal again.

I think it's time for me to ask to meet the new guy. Clearly he's going to be around for a while and I'd like to know what kind of person is going to be around my children - I think that's a reasonable request?

Edited to add, the new guy isn't "A", or whatever I called him in the early messages - just someone she's met since...as far as I know!

Edited by A bit down on Monday 23 November 13:01

Arranging to meet him sounds a bit odd to me mind , I'd just wait until you meet him which to be fair will be sooner rather than later anyway.

[blindswelledrat]

Buster73 said:

Arranging to meet him sounds a bit odd to me mind , I'd just wait until you meet him which to be fair will be sooner rather than later anyway.

Agree.
Regardless of whether it is reasonable, you have no rights at all over who she gets engaged to/look after your children hence you definitely shouldn't approach it as though you are entitled or you will just get her back up.
You will meet him in due course and you will hear stuff from the kids so you will get plenty of notice if there is anything untoward.

[BrabusMog]

Buster73 said:

A bit down said:

Thanks for the kind words.

X let me know (via text!) yesterday that she's now engaged...at least the divorce paperwork should get sorted now. It's all getting a bit surreal again.

I think it's time for me to ask to meet the new guy. Clearly he's going to be around for a while and I'd like to know what kind of person is going to be around my children - I think that's a reasonable request?

Edited to add, the new guy isn't "A", or whatever I called him in the early messages - just someone she's met since...as far as I know!

Edited by A bit down on Monday 23 November 13:01

Arranging to meet him sounds a bit odd to me mind , I'd just wait until you meet him which to be fair will be sooner rather than later anyway.

Agreed. In this case I think it is fair to put yourself in your exes shoes and ask if you would be happy should she ask to meet someone you were involved with? If they are engaged I'd imagine he would have been around the kids a fair bit already? As you have finished with her (regardless of why) you have given up any influence you had on who she meets and who the children meet through her.

[A bit down]

Thanks for the replies and perspectives. I wasn't thinking of demanding to meet him as some kind of right, more just asking as it's clear he's going to be involved. I fully understand that I have no say in what goes on here, I'm just interested in what kind of influence he's likely to have.

It'll also make me feel better if a) he seems like a good sort who will be good for the kids and b) he'll be distracting X from doing crazy stuff in my direction.

As a mature and balanced individual, I'm only 60% likely to tell him that she wanted to move back in with me a couple of weeks ago :-)

[kiethton]

A bit down said:

I'm only 60% likely to tell him that she wanted to move back in with me a couple of weeks ago :-)

Sure he'll find out in due course.....a leopard never....

[MissChief]

A bit down said:

Thanks for the replies and perspectives. I wasn't thinking of demanding to meet him as some kind of right, more just asking as it's clear he's going to be involved. I fully understand that I have no say in what goes on here, I'm just interested in what kind of influence he's likely to have.

It'll also make me feel better if a) he seems like a good sort who will be good for the kids and b) he'll be distracting X from doing crazy stuff in my direction.

As a mature and balanced individual, I'm only 60% likely to tell him that she wanted to move back in with me a couple of weeks ago :-)

I did think that was a bit sudden! You'll get to meet him eventually, probably sooner than you think. You'll get a feel for him pretty quickly and the kids will let you know soon enough, although not always by telling you directly. Watch for the signs. Wanting to stay with you more or for longer, taking ages to get ready to go back to their mums compared to previously etc.