Has anyone used a private detective?

[A bit down]

BrabusMog said:

Agreed. In this case I think it is fair to put yourself in your exes shoes and ask if you would be happy should she ask to meet someone you were involved with? If they are engaged I'd imagine he would have been around the kids a fair bit already? As you have finished with her (regardless of why) you have given up any influence you had on who she meets and who the children meet through her.

Thanks for the input. It seems this would make me an outlier but I definitely would be happy for her to meet someone who is likely to be a big influence in the children's lives and I can (of course) completely understand why that would be important to her. It's not like it's a "test", or that I have any say in the matter - it just seems to make sense for us to meet. Wouldn't you want to meet him if he was going to spend half the week with your kids? I'm not trying to be spiky, it just seems a natural thing to me.

Just to be absolutely clear, I completely understand that I have no control or influence over this, it would be weird for me to think I did (or wanted to). There is every chance that they would decline my invitation and they would be well within their rights to do so. I would just like to know what kind of person he is.

MissChief said:

I did think that was a bit sudden! You'll get to meet him eventually, probably sooner than you think. You'll get a feel for him pretty quickly and the kids will let you know soon enough, although not always by telling you directly. Watch for the signs. Wanting to stay with you more or for longer, taking ages to get ready to go back to their mums compared to previously etc.

This is interesting. The kids are with me tonight and they told me about it. They are both upset (I can sort of understand this, it puts the lid on any chance they may have hoped for of reconciliation) but they have both asked (seriously) if they can come and live with me full time. I'm now taking the "it's important that you spend time with both of us" line (which I do believe) but I'm annoyed at once again having to play devil's advocate. It probably doesn't help that the kids were told at the same time as X's parents over dinner in front of new person (I'll call him "N") and when they asked what that would mean for them they were told "we don't know yet". They'll be a bit scared of the unknown and they'll also feel like they have to defend me so we'll see how they feel in a few days.

I should be clear here that I see this overall as a good thing. From the little I know of him he sounds like an OK bloke, the kids seem to get along reasonably with him from what I can gather and it will give X the chance to focus on something else and get on with her life. I can't help thinking that the timing is suspect (which is nothing to do with me) and that X seems incapable of putting the kids before herself when it comes to communicating big events for them (which leaves me to pick up the pieces).

Anyway, thanks as ever for the comments - I hadn't expected any views that I shouldn't ask to meet N but maybe I'm reacting emotionally without realising it so I'll sleep on it. As ever, it helps to write things down.

[5potTurbo]

I can understand your childrens' concerns here.

My parents split when I was about 4 or 5, but I also have older brothers (then 8 & 10) who understood more what was going on; I know I didn't! So for your children to be told "not sure yet" was completely stupid on the part of your ex, but you know that.

As tough as it is, please keep it all positive for your children. It sounds like you're doing a great job already.

[WinstonWolf]

A bit down said:

BrabusMog said:

Agreed. In this case I think it is fair to put yourself in your exes shoes and ask if you would be happy should she ask to meet someone you were involved with? If they are engaged I'd imagine he would have been around the kids a fair bit already? As you have finished with her (regardless of why) you have given up any influence you had on who she meets and who the children meet through her.

Thanks for the input. It seems this would make me an outlier but I definitely would be happy for her to meet someone who is likely to be a big influence in the children's lives and I can (of course) completely understand why that would be important to her. It's not like it's a "test", or that I have any say in the matter - it just seems to make sense for us to meet. Wouldn't you want to meet him if he was going to spend half the week with your kids? I'm not trying to be spiky, it just seems a natural thing to me.

Just to be absolutely clear, I completely understand that I have no control or influence over this, it would be weird for me to think I did (or wanted to). There is every chance that they would decline my invitation and they would be well within their rights to do so. I would just like to know what kind of person he is.

MissChief said:

I did think that was a bit sudden! You'll get to meet him eventually, probably sooner than you think. You'll get a feel for him pretty quickly and the kids will let you know soon enough, although not always by telling you directly. Watch for the signs. Wanting to stay with you more or for longer, taking ages to get ready to go back to their mums compared to previously etc.

This is interesting. The kids are with me tonight and they told me about it. They are both upset (I can sort of understand this, it puts the lid on any chance they may have hoped for of reconciliation) but they have both asked (seriously) if they can come and live with me full time. I'm now taking the "it's important that you spend time with both of us" line (which I do believe) but I'm annoyed at once again having to play devil's advocate. It probably doesn't help that the kids were told at the same time as X's parents over dinner in front of new person (I'll call him "N") and when they asked what that would mean for them they were told "we don't know yet". They'll be a bit scared of the unknown and they'll also feel like they have to defend me so we'll see how they feel in a few days.

I should be clear here that I see this overall as a good thing. From the little I know of him he sounds like an OK bloke, the kids seem to get along reasonably with him from what I can gather and it will give X the chance to focus on something else and get on with her life. I can't help thinking that the timing is suspect (which is nothing to do with me) and that X seems incapable of putting the kids before herself when it comes to communicating big events for them (which leaves me to pick up the pieces).

Anyway, thanks as ever for the comments - I hadn't expected any views that I shouldn't ask to meet N but maybe I'm reacting emotionally without realising it so I'll sleep on it. As ever, it helps to write things down.

I see both ends of the scale. My ex's OH is an arse, I've been OK with him since day one but even after about fifteen years he still blanks me, my kids think he's a tt.

Conversely my OH's ex is a mate these days. I'll quite happily go out for a beer with him, he rings me up when he has car problems, I'll always ring him if my bike breaks in the middle of nowhere and I need picking up. It has great advantages when anything 'family' comes up. If there's a birthday celebration for one of her lads everyone can go out for a meal and there's no awkwardness whatsoever.

It was kinda weird at first, but many years down the line it's far better for her kids.

[Tony427]

ABD looking at the bigger picture I would be now preparing for the eventuality that the kids will be living with you full time. They obviously want to do it, and your ex seems incapable of giving them the stability that children deserve and need.

The fact that she doesn't know what the future holds for the children in her new relationship speaks volumes.

I would suggest you sell this arrangement to the ex who once more will be able to focus on her own wants and let her get on with her life with the new husband.

Once married you should, of course, nail the happy couple for child support.

[ali_kat]

Is it just me that thinks she's pregnant?...

There was something wrong a couple of weeks ago, so wrong she wanted her ex-husband back

2 weeks later they are engaged

They aren't sure what being engaged means for the kids

[A bit down]

It's not something I had considered but I suppose anything is possible.

She does still want to have the kids for half the week, the lack of clarity is around where they will live, whether his children will live there too etc. He currently lives about 50 miles away so I'll be strongly resisting the kids moving that far away.

I'd love to have the children with me full time but I'd really struggle to manage to retain anything like the current lifestyle they/we have. I've already cut back a lot on work to have them for half the week (they're not hard work, it's just the logistics of having to be local for school pickup/dropoff etc.) and couldn't realistically cut back any more and remain in the same type of role. The children are the most important thing of course so if it comes to it and I have to re-think the whole thing then I will - I hope it doesn't come to that.

Thanks again for the comments.

[The Beaver King]

A bit down said:

I'd love to have the children with me full time but I'd really struggle to manage to retain anything like the current lifestyle they/we have. I've already cut back a lot on work to have them for half the week (they're not hard work, it's just the logistics of having to be local for school pickup/dropoff etc.) and couldn't realistically cut back any more and remain in the same type of role. The children are the most important thing of course so if it comes to it and I have to re-think the whole thing then I will - I hope it doesn't come to that.

I haven't read the whole thread in ages, so forgive me if I gloss over the details etc.

I think you'd probably find it easier if the kids did live with you full time....

At the moment, you're cutting back on work to sort the kids out on your days. If you had them full time, you could arrange to have someone take them to and from school each morning. Plenty of parents looking to make some extra money by child minding someones kids for an hour a day after school etc.

I'm not sure if you are, but what about child maintenance? If your paying that to X currently, that will stop when the children live with you.

Don't get me wrong, it isn't ideal; but it isn't as bad as you think.

[br d]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

He might have to change his user name to 'A Bit Up'

[xjay1337]

Was just reading back through this thread out of interest.

This post moved me very deeply.

Joey Deacon said:

I have actually read a lot of articles on the Manosphere about Red Pill/Blue Pill theory, and in my opinion it is pretty much spot on. I have found it best to try and keep these theories to myself as discussing them with others just leads to being called bitter and twisted.

Hypergamy explains the situation A Bit Down and I (and millions of other decent, married men) find ourselves in. I am guessing that A Bit Down is a decent guy who provided well for his family. His wife got bored, mistoke this for unhappiness and started looking for attention from other men. This became exciting and made her feel alive again, and at this point she mentally left the marriage. You eventually found out, split up and she thought she could now have the exciting life she had been craving. Of course, the grass was not any greener and once the excitement wore off she realised she was in a worse position that she was in before. She now has two options, does she resign herself to a life of being bitter with cats or does she settle for another Beta male. Your wife, like mine has now settled for another Beta provider. The tragic thing is she will still never be happy and has destroyed a family for nothing.

And this, in my opinion is the problem with women on dating websites in their late 30s/early 40s. They still crave the excitement of an Alpha male, but are hoping to land a Beta Provider before it is too late. On their profile they will state they are not into one night stands, but in reality they are more than happy to sleep with you on a first date if they deem you exciting enough. So you end up with a group of women pretending to be something they are not. They are looking for a mug to provide for them, while all the while having sex with any man who comes along that they find exciting. I am sure A Bit Down is smart enough to realise he does not want to be that mug.

There does seem to be an entitlement princess culture in the UK, and women seem to think they deserve a guy to provide for them when they are bringing virtually nothing to the table.

I doubt very much I would ever get married again, I think it is way too risky nowdays. I was 40 years old when I split with my wife, and I left the house with two bin liners of clothes, my laptop and my passport. It is very difficult having to start again at 40 with nothing, and I am certainly not going to run the risk of having to do it all over again.

Also, I look at all my married friends and I realise that this could happen to them at any time. That, for me is a constant worry, although they are all blissfully unaware. Facebook has made this threat much bigger as women can get all the attention they like now without even having to get off the Sofa. Marriage to me is just a constant line of st tests, and each failure is just another stone chip away in the creation of the divorce sculpture.

[longblackcoat]

br d said:

anonymous said:

[redacted]

He might have to change his user name to 'A Bit Up'

Yes, but then you need to provide a car, recognise that the insurance will be expensive, and deal with the giddiness and unreliability you can get from young female au pairs. It's not quite like having another teenager in your house but trust me, the problem-free lithe Latvian live-in lovely is a myth.

If you want an actual nanny, they cost a good bit more.

Or you can do what I did and go for a male au pair, in this case a Hungarian ex-soldier. Totally reliable, a great driver, and even a decade on he still visits. Not eye candy though!

[Vizsla]

longblackcoat said:

Yes, but then you need to provide a car, recognise that the insurance will be expensive, and deal with the giddiness and unreliability you can get from young female au pairs. It's not quite like having another teenager in your house but trust me, the problem-free lithe Latvian live-in lovely is a myth.

Quality alliteration!

[theboss]

xjay1337 said:

Was just reading back through this thread out of interest.

This post moved me very deeply.

Joey Deacon said:

I have actually read a lot of articles on the Manosphere about Red Pill/Blue Pill theory, and in my opinion it is pretty much spot on. I have found it best to try and keep these theories to myself as discussing them with others just leads to being called bitter and twisted.

Hypergamy explains the situation A Bit Down and I (and millions of other decent, married men) find ourselves in. I am guessing that A Bit Down is a decent guy who provided well for his family. His wife got bored, mistoke this for unhappiness and started looking for attention from other men. This became exciting and made her feel alive again, and at this point she mentally left the marriage. You eventually found out, split up and she thought she could now have the exciting life she had been craving. Of course, the grass was not any greener and once the excitement wore off she realised she was in a worse position that she was in before. She now has two options, does she resign herself to a life of being bitter with cats or does she settle for another Beta male. Your wife, like mine has now settled for another Beta provider. The tragic thing is she will still never be happy and has destroyed a family for nothing.

And this, in my opinion is the problem with women on dating websites in their late 30s/early 40s. They still crave the excitement of an Alpha male, but are hoping to land a Beta Provider before it is too late. On their profile they will state they are not into one night stands, but in reality they are more than happy to sleep with you on a first date if they deem you exciting enough. So you end up with a group of women pretending to be something they are not. They are looking for a mug to provide for them, while all the while having sex with any man who comes along that they find exciting. I am sure A Bit Down is smart enough to realise he does not want to be that mug.

There does seem to be an entitlement princess culture in the UK, and women seem to think they deserve a guy to provide for them when they are bringing virtually nothing to the table.

I doubt very much I would ever get married again, I think it is way too risky nowdays. I was 40 years old when I split with my wife, and I left the house with two bin liners of clothes, my laptop and my passport. It is very difficult having to start again at 40 with nothing, and I am certainly not going to run the risk of having to do it all over again.

Also, I look at all my married friends and I realise that this could happen to them at any time. That, for me is a constant worry, although they are all blissfully unaware. Facebook has made this threat much bigger as women can get all the attention they like now without even having to get off the Sofa. Marriage to me is just a constant line of st tests, and each failure is just another stone chip away in the creation of the divorce sculpture.

I recall reading this whenever it was posted and thinking that whilst it made made some painful sense it seemed overly cynical. In the time that has elapsed since then, I've had my own marital ststorm to endure (and have thought of ABD and this thread many times, thus 'indirectly' benefiting from much of the sage advice dispensed here), and now re-reading this same post is enlightening but also depressing because it hits the nail so firmly on the head.

[xjay1337]

I hope you (and ABD) are in better places now.

I find PH generally very good for dating/relationship stuff. I think most of us are decent blokes and most of us meet / date / shag / marry / divorce/split up for many of the same reasons lol.

Unfortunately you see it more and more, more so with social networking.
There's always some sly prick out there.
Usually one of your friends.
"friends".

[BrabusMog]

A bit down said:

BrabusMog said:

Agreed. In this case I think it is fair to put yourself in your exes shoes and ask if you would be happy should she ask to meet someone you were involved with? If they are engaged I'd imagine he would have been around the kids a fair bit already? As you have finished with her (regardless of why) you have given up any influence you had on who she meets and who the children meet through her.

Thanks for the input. It seems this would make me an outlier but I definitely would be happy for her to meet someone who is likely to be a big influence in the children's lives and I can (of course) completely understand why that would be important to her. It's not like it's a "test", or that I have any say in the matter - it just seems to make sense for us to meet. Wouldn't you want to meet him if he was going to spend half the week with your kids? I'm not trying to be spiky, it just seems a natural thing to me.

Just to be absolutely clear, I completely understand that I have no control or influence over this, it would be weird for me to think I did (or wanted to). There is every chance that they would decline my invitation and they would be well within their rights to do so. I would just like to know what kind of person he is.

That's fair enough. Maybe it was just the tone of your post, but the way I read it was that you wanted to sit down and have a one-to-one chat with the guy. It's reasonable to express concern for the welfare of your children, I am sure this guy only wants the best for them as well, but there are ways of doing it and asking to have an arranged chat is not one of them, in my opinion, as it will more than likely not be well received by both the fiance and also your ex.

[A bit down]

BrabusMog said:

That's fair enough. Maybe it was just the tone of your post, but the way I read it was that you wanted to sit down and have a one-to-one chat with the guy. It's reasonable to express concern for the welfare of your children, I am sure this guy only wants the best for them as well, but there are ways of doing it and asking to have an arranged chat is not one of them, in my opinion, as it will more than likely not be well received by both the fiance and also your ex.

Thanks - I've decided to give it a little while and see how things develop re X's plans as things are often fluid in her world.

The nanny idea is an interesting one and I can definitely see the upside. I value my privacy (and peace&quiet) a lot though so I might look into a pickup/dropoff school service if it comes to that.

[ClaphamGT3]

olly22n said:

anonymous said:

[redacted]

Where does one 'find' these swiss ladies?

We have found our au pairs on gumtree

[NiceCupOfTea]

If you need to do occasional work in a school, even in a non-contact role, you (quite rightly) need to have full DBS clearance. However, in order to live 24 hours a day and (in this case) half of the week with somebody else's children quite possibly unsupervised for a lot of the time, you need.... absolutely no checks or clearance whatsoever. Indeed, the absent parent of the child has absolutely no say in this and could conceivably not even be able to meet said person.

It's a funny old world.

[TheExcession]

anonymous said:

[redacted]

Good stuff, I'm delighted that Little Ex is in a mixed school, I know for certain that his school education is hindered by this, but at the same time, I can fill in the gaps of his English Grammar or Mathematics.

What I can't do is fill in all the gaps of Lithuanian, Polish and Chinese speaking skills. All I can do is encourage him to try and talk to people in their language and come home and teach these things to me.

[A bit down]

Thanks for the input, certainly opened my eyes to options.

[johnwilliams77]

How are you doing ABD?