Has anyone used a private detective?
Discussion
Assuming that she is playing away and you find evidence or she admits it, you can retain the moral high ground by telling her that you can put up with her having an affair but you aren't willing to break up your family by separating.
It might sound crazy but she will, in all probability, tire of the affair before long, especially once she knows that you're aware of it. You would need to be very strong to pull this off but you'd be seen as the bigger man by your family and hers too.
It might sound crazy but she will, in all probability, tire of the affair before long, especially once she knows that you're aware of it. You would need to be very strong to pull this off but you'd be seen as the bigger man by your family and hers too.
A bit down said:
the children are 11 and 8. They have been quite sheltered in their upbringing and are not really emotionally mature enough to process or input to this.
A typically-developing 8 year old absolutely is mature enough to talk about and understand these type of issues (presented in an age-appropriate way)... please don't make the mistake of telling yourself they're not up to discussing it or that you shouldn't burden them with the knowledge. They're old enough that they'll remember this for the rest of their lives, you don't want the realisation that you chose to keep information from them to be part of that. You all have my sympathies. This sounds like a really hard situation and I'm worried that it's not going to have a happy ending. Chin up, fella - and talk to those kids, as soon as you know what you need to say to them.
ETA: I've just realised two things.
1) If she's not having an affair, she's having a breakdown, or is very close to it. This is also a real possibility and you need to bear it in mind as you choose your words and actions over the next few days/weeks.
2) In true PH style: if there is an affair, the affair is with the female friend she went to Turkey with.
Edited by BlackVanDyke on Friday 17th August 03:00
Sorry man, but you are getting completely s
t on here. Yes you need evidence to get a more reasonable divorce settlement. And you can bet your bottom dollar (if she hasn't already salted that away somewhere) that she's been building up an escape/fighting fund for the coming divorce, and hiding the evidence as thoroughly as she can.
Tough times, but my advice would be to put yourself in a position where you are able to fight a divorce and then do it. Obviously keep it as amicable as possible for the kids sake, but don't let yourself get screwed.
t on here. Yes you need evidence to get a more reasonable divorce settlement. And you can bet your bottom dollar (if she hasn't already salted that away somewhere) that she's been building up an escape/fighting fund for the coming divorce, and hiding the evidence as thoroughly as she can.Tough times, but my advice would be to put yourself in a position where you are able to fight a divorce and then do it. Obviously keep it as amicable as possible for the kids sake, but don't let yourself get screwed.
Does she have an iPhone? There are quite a few programs that will recover text, photos both current and deleted.
Buy the software and download, tell her that there is an update and whilst next to her plug it in (so she can see you aren't looking at it) run the program, and voila - all her messages in excel format.
Saving that sniff her used panties when she comes in from her friend date....
Buy the software and download, tell her that there is an update and whilst next to her plug it in (so she can see you aren't looking at it) run the program, and voila - all her messages in excel format.
Saving that sniff her used panties when she comes in from her friend date....
Thanks again for all the replies, some very insightful commentary.
After a fairly restless night, my mind is racing. To answer a few questions:
- she does have an iPhone but there is no way I will get near it
- she definitely did go to Turkey, we dropped her off and picked her up at the airport (including the arrivals gate). I don't know for sure with whom, though
- BVD, it's interesting you mention a breakdown. This is what I thought was happening a first as she had little energy, was very moody, would often spend entire days in bed, lost her appetite, etc. Several of her friends suggested she may be suffering from depression (they all seem to be on happy pills) but she categorically ruled it out and refused to see the GP, even after the counsellor suggested it for her.
- I have considered the possibility of an affair with her female friend. It's not as though I can confirm that she is still interested in men, but...
- one thing I remembered last night is that she went back on the pill a couple of months ago "to help control her moods". She had never been a fan of the pill before and put up with it as she thought it was the best option, but she had been very moody for a while and it seemed plausible at the time. She had been off it for several years.
- she actually asked me to buy her some Canesten a couple of weeks ago (which I did) as she said she was suffering with thrush. I have no idea whether that's true or relevant but I thought I'd mention it here in case it's pertinent.
- I haven't spoken to her parents about this although I have a very good relationship with them. She is insistent that I shouldn't, as "they are my parents and I don't want you talking to them about this" and "it's none of their business anyway". I have respected this so far but I know they are dying to talk to me.
Thanks very much to everyone for the offers of lifts, cars etc. I'm in the north west but I'm happy to take my own car to the services if I go with that option.
The more I read on this thread, the more I feel like a fool but something in me still hopes for the best. To reiterate, finding out about any affair isn't really an ego/pride thing - if I had any of that I wouldn't have put up with things as they are for so long. It's all around trust - if she would openly lie to me about something like this which has such an impact then I think that would be the end for me.
I had another thought overnight - after some research it seems these parking fines aren't enforceable but that the issuer is likely to ramp up the letters and threats. My wife usually just hands me anything that looks like a problem or needs paying to deal with - it will be interesting to see whether she lets me know about this.
Regarding putting her on a pedestal - perhaps this is the case, I'm not sure. There is no doubt that she (and the children) have a very easy, pampered life. I took a decision fairly early on that being a provider doesn't just mean bringing in money, it means providing the best environment possible for your family (to me at least) and so I handle problems, manage risk and generally do all of the tricky stuff on behalf of the family. I want the children to be as safe, secure and loved as possible for as long as possible and my wife has certainly benefited from that.
Generally speaking I'm a fairly resilient character. I have a close group of friends that I've known for many years that I can rely on and I know that I am a decent person who tries very hard to do the right thing. Although this is a horrible situation to be in, many people face a lot worse every day. I will not let this effect my self-worth and whatever happens I will come out of it ok, knowing that I did my best, made the decisions I thought were right, and that I put my children first. I do take some comfort in that.
Anyway, enough rambling. I need to go to work - something to take my mind of things for a few hours will really help.
Thanks again for the support.
After a fairly restless night, my mind is racing. To answer a few questions:
- she does have an iPhone but there is no way I will get near it
- she definitely did go to Turkey, we dropped her off and picked her up at the airport (including the arrivals gate). I don't know for sure with whom, though
- BVD, it's interesting you mention a breakdown. This is what I thought was happening a first as she had little energy, was very moody, would often spend entire days in bed, lost her appetite, etc. Several of her friends suggested she may be suffering from depression (they all seem to be on happy pills) but she categorically ruled it out and refused to see the GP, even after the counsellor suggested it for her.
- I have considered the possibility of an affair with her female friend. It's not as though I can confirm that she is still interested in men, but...
- one thing I remembered last night is that she went back on the pill a couple of months ago "to help control her moods". She had never been a fan of the pill before and put up with it as she thought it was the best option, but she had been very moody for a while and it seemed plausible at the time. She had been off it for several years.
- she actually asked me to buy her some Canesten a couple of weeks ago (which I did) as she said she was suffering with thrush. I have no idea whether that's true or relevant but I thought I'd mention it here in case it's pertinent.
- I haven't spoken to her parents about this although I have a very good relationship with them. She is insistent that I shouldn't, as "they are my parents and I don't want you talking to them about this" and "it's none of their business anyway". I have respected this so far but I know they are dying to talk to me.
Thanks very much to everyone for the offers of lifts, cars etc. I'm in the north west but I'm happy to take my own car to the services if I go with that option.
The more I read on this thread, the more I feel like a fool but something in me still hopes for the best. To reiterate, finding out about any affair isn't really an ego/pride thing - if I had any of that I wouldn't have put up with things as they are for so long. It's all around trust - if she would openly lie to me about something like this which has such an impact then I think that would be the end for me.
I had another thought overnight - after some research it seems these parking fines aren't enforceable but that the issuer is likely to ramp up the letters and threats. My wife usually just hands me anything that looks like a problem or needs paying to deal with - it will be interesting to see whether she lets me know about this.
Regarding putting her on a pedestal - perhaps this is the case, I'm not sure. There is no doubt that she (and the children) have a very easy, pampered life. I took a decision fairly early on that being a provider doesn't just mean bringing in money, it means providing the best environment possible for your family (to me at least) and so I handle problems, manage risk and generally do all of the tricky stuff on behalf of the family. I want the children to be as safe, secure and loved as possible for as long as possible and my wife has certainly benefited from that.
Generally speaking I'm a fairly resilient character. I have a close group of friends that I've known for many years that I can rely on and I know that I am a decent person who tries very hard to do the right thing. Although this is a horrible situation to be in, many people face a lot worse every day. I will not let this effect my self-worth and whatever happens I will come out of it ok, knowing that I did my best, made the decisions I thought were right, and that I put my children first. I do take some comfort in that.
Anyway, enough rambling. I need to go to work - something to take my mind of things for a few hours will really help.
Thanks again for the support.
Edited by A bit down on Friday 17th August 06:29
Edited by A bit down on Friday 17th August 06:31
Edited by A bit down on Friday 17th August 06:33
I've read all your posts carefully.
You seem like a decent, committed person who is trying hard to do the right thing for your children, and your wife. You have written a lot about their happiness.
I don't think you are very happy though - or that the situation has been meeting your needs in any way for a long time. Seven years without sex/making love/intimacy/fking (delete according to your sensitivies 
) seems a long, long time and must make you feel unloved/unloveable.
It may actually be better for everyone - your wife (who wants freedom), your kids (who want a happy stable network to love them) and you (who presumably want to love and be loved) if you do actually separate.
Happy parents are better parents - and your children are lucky to have two parents who want them (your wife has been unhappy for a while, but stays for their sake, too so obviously is trying to be a good mum).
As far as 'evidence' goes - I don't think it will change anything as you seem to know that your marriage is over. I know it's really difficult, but I think trying to split up amicably, regardless of who has wronged whom, is the best idea.
I'm sure it will work out for you.
You seem like a decent, committed person who is trying hard to do the right thing for your children, and your wife. You have written a lot about their happiness.
I don't think you are very happy though - or that the situation has been meeting your needs in any way for a long time. Seven years without sex/making love/intimacy/f
king (delete according to your sensitivies ) seems a long, long time and must make you feel unloved/unloveable.It may actually be better for everyone - your wife (who wants freedom), your kids (who want a happy stable network to love them) and you (who presumably want to love and be loved) if you do actually separate.
Happy parents are better parents - and your children are lucky to have two parents who want them (your wife has been unhappy for a while, but stays for their sake, too so obviously is trying to be a good mum).
As far as 'evidence' goes - I don't think it will change anything as you seem to know that your marriage is over. I know it's really difficult, but I think trying to split up amicably, regardless of who has wronged whom, is the best idea.
I'm sure it will work out for you.
Pommygranite said:
Ona bright note at least if it ends you can start seeing new people and trust me, that first 'session' with a new girl after being irrelevant to your ex partner is sensational.
May be furthest thing on your mind but it is a small part of happier times ahead.
Glad it's not just me 'lowering the tone' in my post. May be furthest thing on your mind but it is a small part of happier times ahead.
Read all of it now! It could be that she just didn't register her car with the hotel that visit, but she'd be a fool to forget to do so of she's been there a while, these things are automated on entry/departure & checked against the hotel list.
She could be meeting her friend there to go shopping as she says, but strange hours these shops open
Whatever the story there...
She's gone mate
Whether she is cheating or not, in her head it is over or she'd have been on holiday with you & the kids!
Listen to RandleMarcus etc that are advising about your next steps from here, and talk to her Parents!
However
You've not had sex for 7 years & she's gone back on the pill for mood swings & depression she swears she hasn't got?!
Wake up & smell the coffee!!
She could be meeting her friend there to go shopping as she says, but strange hours these shops open
Whatever the story there...
She's gone mate
Whether she is cheating or not, in her head it is over or she'd have been on holiday with you & the kids!
Listen to RandleMarcus etc that are advising about your next steps from here, and talk to her Parents!
However
You've not had sex for 7 years & she's gone back on the pill for mood swings & depression she swears she hasn't got?!
Wake up & smell the coffee!!
Sorry to hear about this OP
its never easy to be under such a cloud of doubt in a relationship. I hope whatever the conclusion is you maintain the great relationship you have with your children with nothing barred.
I'm based in the NW if you ever need a drink or help just pm me.
All the best.
its never easy to be under such a cloud of doubt in a relationship. I hope whatever the conclusion is you maintain the great relationship you have with your children with nothing barred.
I'm based in the NW if you ever need a drink or help just pm me.
All the best.
By the time a women has worked up the courage to tell you that she is not happy, it is usually already over. She would probably have been mulling that conversation over for some time before instigating it.
Whether she is having an affair or not seems fairly immaterial. Your marriage has been over for a long time, years by the sounds of it. You are currently friends sharing a house and parental responsibilities.
Were you happy with this situation before you suspected an affair? Or were you unhappy and keeping going for the sake of the children and a nice stable family home?
I would be talking to her parents if it were me, get some support from them. If you do seperate, then it is good to have an ongoing relationship with them as it makes things easier with the kids and access etc.
It's a crap situation OP, the best you can do now is look after yourself and the kids
Whether she is having an affair or not seems fairly immaterial. Your marriage has been over for a long time, years by the sounds of it. You are currently friends sharing a house and parental responsibilities.
Were you happy with this situation before you suspected an affair? Or were you unhappy and keeping going for the sake of the children and a nice stable family home?
I would be talking to her parents if it were me, get some support from them. If you do seperate, then it is good to have an ongoing relationship with them as it makes things easier with the kids and access etc.
It's a crap situation OP, the best you can do now is look after yourself and the kids
Seriously, just grab her phone and leg it it with it, go up the street and just read it
If she gets angry explain why you've taken it saying everythg you've said in here - it all makes sense you're not paranoid and if you're wrong at least you've raised the subject.
Seriously just steal her phone and all will be revealed. If you're right you stealing her phone will be the least of her worries.
If she gets angry explain why you've taken it saying everythg you've said in here - it all makes sense you're not paranoid and if you're wrong at least you've raised the subject.
Seriously just steal her phone and all will be revealed. If you're right you stealing her phone will be the least of her worries.
Pommygranite said:
Seriously, just grab her phone and leg it it with it, go up the street and just read it
If she gets angry explain why you've taken it saying everythg you've said in here - it all makes sense you're not paranoid and if you're wrong at least you've raised the subject.
Seriously just steal her phone and all will be revealed. If you're right you stealing her phone will be the least of her worries.
This, even if it means taking it when she is sleeping.If she gets angry explain why you've taken it saying everythg you've said in here - it all makes sense you're not paranoid and if you're wrong at least you've raised the subject.
Seriously just steal her phone and all will be revealed. If you're right you stealing her phone will be the least of her worries.
ali_kat said:
Mobile Chicane said:
I'd say the service station 'parking ticket' were evidence enough.
Such places often have hotels attached, right?
Sorry to hear this, btw.
They do, but if you are in the Hotel you don't get fined!Such places often have hotels attached, right?
Sorry to hear this, btw.
On the other hand, she might have been so excited at the prospect of the encounter, she forgot to give reception her number. I don't know, none of us do. I just with people wouldn't pretend they do know.
Why? Then she'll know she's been rumbled. Get some evidence of her adultery and divorce her on those grounds, before she buries it and divorces you on some other spurious grounds, goes weeping to the courts and lawyers and screws you over for your house, money and possibly even access to children as well.
I've seen it happen, and sorry to play SWT PH classic but some women can be as cynical and manipulative as all hell with stuff like that and it's an awful thing to see.
I've seen it happen, and sorry to play SWT PH classic but some women can be as cynical and manipulative as all hell with stuff like that and it's an awful thing to see.
A bit down said:
The more I read on this thread, the more I feel like a fool but something in me still hopes for the best. To reiterate, finding out about any affair isn't really an ego/pride thing - if I had any of that I wouldn't have put up with things as they are for so long. It's all around trust - if she would openly lie to me about something like this which has such an impact then I think that would be the end for me.
No one thinks you're a fool. You're doing extremely well to keep calm, calculated and keeping your children's best interests in what must be an incredible difficult time. As you say, knowing is not an ego/pride thing. I'd want to know too. It would help me make the decision you are trying to make. However if it turns out she is seeing someone else, you need to keep your composure from thereon and sort out an exit strategy, without her knowing.Have you spoken to any of your friends or family about this? What have they said? Do you think it might be worth speaking to her parents? I wouldn't mention any of your plans etc, but just find out why they have their suspicions/noticed anything different about their daughter.
AJS- said:
Why? Then she'll know she's been rumbled. Get some evidence of her adultery and divorce her on those grounds, before she buries it and divorces you on some other spurious grounds, goes weeping to the courts and lawyers and screws you over for your house, money and possibly even access to children as well.
I've seen it happen, and sorry to play SWT PH classic but some women can be as cynical and manipulative as all hell with stuff like that and it's an awful thing to see.
Sadly, regardless of who divorces whom, and what evidence you lay before the Court, you are going to get the rough side of the divorce, and are vanishingly unlikely to get custody. Deal with the realities of what is going to happen, and control those elements you can control, i.e. the finances. What's that? You've developed a gambling problem, and are using cash a lot more than card transactions? Gosh!I've seen it happen, and sorry to play SWT PH classic but some women can be as cynical and manipulative as all hell with stuff like that and it's an awful thing to see.
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