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Jasandjules

51,027 posts

114 months

[news] 
Tuesday 11th September 2012 quote quote all
As above, even if he does not post I hope that ABD reads some of the posts and is able to extract helpful comments from them. Whether or not he decides to post again is up to him, but I for one hope he does.

I do however ask that people please just stick to the topic at hand rather than petty bickering about tangential points, for ABD's sake. Imagine it was you asking for impartial advice from strangers, how would you feel?

A bit down

Original Poster:

159 posts

26 months

[news] 
Wednesday 12th September 2012 quote quote all
Hello,

It has been a very difficult few days. I spoke to X at length (constructively, and she answered all of my questions honestly, I believe) several times and then I went away and was offline for a while to really think things through.

What I came around to was that I would be prepared to really commit to giving things one last go, but only if things changed significantly between X and I, rather than just going back to playing happy families for the sake of the children.

When I discussed this with X it became clear that she would only be trying out of guilt and remorse. I just think she has fallen out of love with me but is scared of what a future by herself means (I'm pretty sure that A doesn't mean anything serious to her and that she has already ceased contact with him, although I will never really know). We were very honest with each other about expectations and likely outcomes and the result is that we have agreed to separate amicably. We are both very sad that our marriage has failed, but if both of us are not willing to do what is required to try and get it back on track, it's better that we admit that now.

We will stay in the house together for a short while until we can amicably arrange alternative living arrangements and we will share the children. We have agreed to focus completely on them and try to minimise the negative impact this will have on them.

After everything that has gone on, I have to say that this feels like the right outcome. I am sure there are many difficult days ahead but I will get through them.

Finally, huge thanks to everyone who contributed to this thread and via PM. Although it didn't go where I expected it to, I got a lot from it in many different ways and for the most part this was PH at its best. Thanks too to the moderators who allowed it to run, even when things got a bit heated.

So, no happy ending here, sadly. Just another failed marriage to add to the books. I hope people can draw their own support from this thread if they need it, and I hope it doesn't put anyone off wanting to get married. There were a lot of good times, and I have two beautiful children that I adore. How could I ever regret that?

slippery

13,677 posts

124 months

[news] 
Wednesday 12th September 2012 quote quote all
Best wishes and thanks for the update ABD. Keep your chin up, tough times ahead for both of you, but things WILL get better in time.

ali_kat

26,534 posts

106 months

[news] 
Wednesday 12th September 2012 quote quote all
Nice to hear about some honesty between you both smile

I'm sorry about the result for you all frown

Good luck & best wishes

AndyNetwork

1,562 posts

79 months

[news] 
Wednesday 12th September 2012 quote quote all
Sorry to hear that the outcome is not what you originally wanted.

As you say, there will be difficult days, even when separating amicably, but look at them as just that, days where you don't get along.

It is possible to be amicable, and even friends, I still consider my ex a good friend, and she has been there to help when things haven't gone my way, and I have been there for her when things aren't going her way.

We just don't love each other any more, and after nearly 6 years we now have our own way of doing things, which would really grate against each other if we were to be together again.

Keep the children in the front of your mind, whenever you are feeling down, whenever you want to just give up, whenever you want to rip X a new one, remember that they are there. It will not only put a different perspective on things, but also lift your mood!

I have a sound recording on my mobile phone, that I took one afternoon when my girls were at mine, and having a whale of a time being silly, and generally doing what kids do. Whenever I feel fed up or lonely, I listen to that, and everything seems ok again.

Take care of yourself, and your kids, those are your priorities now, not X, she will cope her own way.
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captainzep

12,837 posts

77 months

[news] 
Wednesday 12th September 2012 quote quote all
Maybe it's just me but there seems a palpable sense of distance from your wife in the language of your post. Maybe it's just emotional weariness. Seems very final.

Fair enough, it's time to plan for your own future happiness after such a rough few weeks. I'm sure you'll prioritise your kids. But your kids will need a solid and happy Dad to provide the foundation of their own happiness.

Look after yourself.


Ari

9,719 posts

100 months

[news] 
Wednesday 12th September 2012 quote quote all
A bit down said:
Hello,

It has been a very difficult few days. I spoke to X at length (constructively, and she answered all of my questions honestly, I believe) several times and then I went away and was offline for a while to really think things through.

What I came around to was that I would be prepared to really commit to giving things one last go, but only if things changed significantly between X and I, rather than just going back to playing happy families for the sake of the children.

When I discussed this with X it became clear that she would only be trying out of guilt and remorse. I just think she has fallen out of love with me but is scared of what a future by herself means (I'm pretty sure that A doesn't mean anything serious to her and that she has already ceased contact with him, although I will never really know). We were very honest with each other about expectations and likely outcomes and the result is that we have agreed to separate amicably. We are both very sad that our marriage has failed, but if both of us are not willing to do what is required to try and get it back on track, it's better that we admit that now.

We will stay in the house together for a short while until we can amicably arrange alternative living arrangements and we will share the children. We have agreed to focus completely on them and try to minimise the negative impact this will have on them.

After everything that has gone on, I have to say that this feels like the right outcome. I am sure there are many difficult days ahead but I will get through them.

Finally, huge thanks to everyone who contributed to this thread and via PM. Although it didn't go where I expected it to, I got a lot from it in many different ways and for the most part this was PH at its best. Thanks too to the moderators who allowed it to run, even when things got a bit heated.

So, no happy ending here, sadly. Just another failed marriage to add to the books. I hope people can draw their own support from this thread if they need it, and I hope it doesn't put anyone off wanting to get married. There were a lot of good times, and I have two beautiful children that I adore. How could I ever regret that?
As good a result as you were ever going to get.

Things WILL get better in time.

Stay strong, and good luck.

mondeoman

7,741 posts

151 months

[news] 
Wednesday 12th September 2012 quote quote all
At least now you have a result and you can start building your future the way you want to to be. Yes it hurts when a marriage fails, and there will be times when you ask yourself if you could've changed anything, but they will only be fleeting moments and will become less frequent as time goes by.

Concentrate on you and your kids now and as Spock used to say, live well and prosper (or something smile )

Good luck and best wishes.

silvagod

656 posts

45 months

[news] 
Wednesday 12th September 2012 quote quote all
ABD.....I feel remorse for your situation however, as you know I do not feel sorry for you. This is, albeit almost unbelievable, the first positive step you have taken for many a year.

You have read my story, you know I went through pretty much the same, but 4 and a half years down the line, I am happier than ever and my GF and I have just decided to get married.

I never, in a million years, thought this would happen, but the best thing I have heard from this...'As long as you are happy Dad' from my 2 sons smile

My 'family' is no more, and that still irks me, my stability in life was ruined, but I never thought I would be this happy.

May all my happiness be shared with you.

You will be better for this in the long run, and so will your children.

Finally, well done for being the person you always thought you were, stay as that person. (you know what I mean, I'm sure)

All the best.




rich1231

16,922 posts

145 months

[news] 
Wednesday 12th September 2012 quote quote all
silvagod said:
ABD.....I feel remorse for your situation however, as you know I do not feel sorry for you. This is, albeit almost unbelievable, the first positive step you have taken for many a year.

You have read my story, you know I went through pretty much the same, but 4 and a half years down the line, I am happier than ever and my GF and I have just decided to get married.

I never, in a million years, thought this would happen, but the best thing I have heard from this...'As long as you are happy Dad' from my 2 sons smile

My 'family' is no more, and that still irks me, my stability in life was ruined, but I never thought I would be this happy.

May all my happiness be shared with you.

You will be better for this in the long run, and so will your children.

Finally, well done for being the person you always thought you were, stay as that person. (you know what I mean, I'm sure)

All the best.
Why do you feel remorse? Are you A?

El Guapo

2,154 posts

75 months

[news] 
Wednesday 12th September 2012 quote quote all
A bit down said:
We were very honest with each other about expectations and likely outcomes and the result is that we have agreed to separate amicably.

We will stay in the house together for a short while until we can amicably arrange alternative living arrangements and we will share the children. We have agreed to focus completely on them and try to minimise the negative impact this will have on them.
It takes strength to accept when a marriage is over, to put the pain, anger and resentment to one side and to do what's best for everybody involved, especially the kids.
The best of luck to all of you.

silvagod

656 posts

45 months

[news] 
Wednesday 12th September 2012 quote quote all
rich1231 said:
Why do you feel remorse? Are you A?
I feel remorse for the breakup of any family unit. You obviously haven't read any of my other posts.

Actually if you wish to categorise me, I am 'Z'

Rude-boy

18,714 posts

118 months

[news] 
Wednesday 12th September 2012 quote quote all
A bit down said:
Hello,
So, no happy ending here, sadly. Just another failed marriage to add to the books. I hope people can draw their own support from this thread if they need it, and I hope it doesn't put anyone off wanting to get married. There were a lot of good times, and I have two beautiful children that I adore. How could I ever regret that?
This might not be the path you thought you were going to tread 10 years ago, mine is also very different in some ways, yet very similar in others.

Over the next ten years you may find love again, you may have your heart broken again. You will grow older and your children will grow up, their personalities evolving and lives starting to properly take shape.

Learn from your past (and that of others!) but never live in it.

This is not just the end of one chapter but the beginning of another and there is a World of possibilities which only your balls, your luck and you can chose where it takes you. Good luck and enjoy the ride!

drivin_me_nuts

15,953 posts

96 months

[news] 
Thursday 13th September 2012 quote quote all
A bit down said:
... So, no happy ending here, sadly. Just another failed marriage to add to the books. I hope people can draw their own support from this thread if they need it, and I hope it doesn't put anyone off wanting to get married. There were a lot of good times, and I have two beautiful children that I adore. How could I ever regret that?
Well, that's one way of looking at it for now and no doubt for a while to come there will be days when sadness is the defining emotion. However, life is not just measured by notions of 'success' and 'failure' of relationships with others. It is a mere part of who you are.. perhaps think of this more as punctuation within your life; a something that will shape and mould you, even in part define part of you... but only part of you.

You have the rest of your life to live now. It is different, it is not the same as this time last year, or the day you said I do, but as then, it is a future with as much potential for happiness, expression, love, nurture, joy, intimacy, success, satisfaction and any other measure you choose to include. That has not changed, not unless you let it. You shape your path and your destiny, no one other does. It is just punctuation in your life, no more and no less than that; a stone in the road that smarts or maybe makes you stumble. But it is one stone. See the road for what it is and do not dwell too long on what was, that might have been and what has not come to pass. Embrace what lies ahead, because compared to the stones of late upon which you have trod, the future is less painful. Better to walk the path alone than with a reluctant companion.

rich1231

16,922 posts

145 months

[news] 
Thursday 13th September 2012 quote quote all
silvagod said:
I feel remorse for the breakup of any family unit. You obviously haven't read any of my other posts.

Actually if you wish to categorise me, I am 'Z'
Why? Check a dictionary.

Remorse is what you would feel if you were responsible. Not as an observer.

MissChief

2,318 posts

53 months

[news] 
Thursday 13th September 2012 quote quote all
I'm sorry to hear what happened ABD but as you said you think it is for the best. it might be best to try and lay a few ground rules as some things in the future will cause trouble. I would suggest, as a minimum:

No introducing new partners to the children without prior warning/permission.
No new partners staying over when the kids are there for as long as possible.
I would recommend being as honest as you can with the children, but stopping short of 'mummy slept with someone else'!

You WILL have arguments but always try and be the one to attempt to broker the peace. it's good that you've both agreed to put the children first and I have no doubt they've picked up on the atmosphere and you being away at strange times.

uk_vette

2,921 posts

89 months

[news] 
Thursday 13th September 2012 quote quote all
Gizmoish said:
uk_vette said:
I wouldn't think it's possible to patch things up.
I guess when ABD is giving his wife some decent knobing, then he wouldn't be able to stop thinking some other bloke has had his knob in there also.
Kinda' put a damper on the whole thing.


vette
One assumes that your wife was chaste when you met her?
.
Yeah, first there.

vette

PeanutHead

7,814 posts

55 months

[news] 
Thursday 13th September 2012 quote quote all
OP, i think in a way you do have the happy ending you just can't see it yet.
When you get your own place and spending some time with the kids you and the Ex will no doubt see the this also.
Onwards and upwards.

Jasandjules

51,027 posts

114 months

[news] 
Thursday 13th September 2012 quote quote all
A bit down said:
After everything that has gone on, I have to say that this feels like the right outcome. I am sure there are many difficult days ahead but I will get through them.
I am glad that you feel that way.

I truly believe that if you had "tried again" you would be in the same situation in a number of months at best, perhaps years if she did a better job of hiding it. I would even suggest that your mind would be messed up by constantly thinking about what she was up to and every little thing would make you think about what she did and question what she is doing, simply because she lied even to your counsellor.

I don't agree that you have failed, quite to the contrary, I think you have done the right thing and that is never wrong. Moreso, you have done the right thing with honour and dignity, and even though you have been wronged, you have no desire to ruin her, your only concern is your children. That is not the mark of a failure.

So, I wish you all the best in your future which I believe will be better for you.

tyrewrecker

6,419 posts

39 months

[news] 
Thursday 13th September 2012 quote quote all
Really glad it didn't get messy. Each day is the start of the rest of your life. (I think that cliche is apt here)
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