Has anyone used a private detective?
Discussion
MissChief said:
It usually gets better doesn't sound the same but many in the same situation will say that when you're down it's all the way up from there.
Which kinda demonstrates just how empty mere words are. I realise the idea is to offer comfort, but hollow is as hollow does and cynical recipients can usually see them for the vacuousness that they are.Impasse said:
Which kinda demonstrates just how empty mere words are. I realise the idea is to offer comfort, but hollow is as hollow does and cynical recipients can usually see them for the vacuousness that they are.
But then any words of encouragement are no doubt welcomed? I'm sure the recipient doesn't see them as 'vacuous'?Edited by MissChief on Sunday 22 June 21:16
Impasse said:
Depends entirely on the recipient.
I don't mean to intrude, but your posts suggest you are quite unhappy. If you are depressed, could you not see your GP for medication, or perhaps book some counselling? I had telephone counselling sessions a couple of years back and although I was cynical about them at the time, in retrospect they helped me work through things.
Or if you are unhappy with life circumstances, is there nothing you can change?
It seems a terrible thing to resign yourself to a life without happiness without fighting it a bit.
Carthage said:
I don't mean to intrude, but your posts suggest you are quite unhappy.
If you are depressed, could you not see your GP for medication, or perhaps book some counselling? I had telephone counselling sessions a couple of years back and although I was cynical about them at the time, in retrospect they helped me work through things.
Or if you are unhappy with life circumstances, is there nothing you can change?
It seems a terrible thing to resign yourself to a life without happiness without fighting it a bit.
I agree with Carthage's intent and words. If you are depressed, could you not see your GP for medication, or perhaps book some counselling? I had telephone counselling sessions a couple of years back and although I was cynical about them at the time, in retrospect they helped me work through things.
Or if you are unhappy with life circumstances, is there nothing you can change?
It seems a terrible thing to resign yourself to a life without happiness without fighting it a bit.
Way ahead of you both there. And like I say, the words, although well meaning, are of little consequence to some and completely fatuous to others. Especially the Time is a Healer concept - almost comical. But even if the smallest comfort is gleaned from them, then initially using this approach is worthwhile when in a position of counsel. Just don't expect it to be a panacea to all.
Impasse said:
Way ahead of you both there. And like I say, the words, although well meaning, are of little consequence to some and completely fatuous to others. Especially the Time is a Healer concept - almost comical. But even if the smallest comfort is gleaned from them, then initially using this approach is worthwhile when in a position of counsel. Just don't expect it to be a panacea to all.
I agree - time doesn't heal.What time does is change.
It changes the living to the dead, but it also brings new lives. it divides couples to individuals, but the reverse is also true.
You can passively wait and see what time does to you, but you could also actively change things.
Anyway, I really hope that things improve for you soon.
Morning everyone,
I know this is extremely cheeky but I could do with a bit of advice please.
Things are not going well for X, and I'm concerned she is heading towards depression. She is just about able to keep things together logistically (although it's always me that is flexible with arrangements and fitting in having the kids around her changing work requirements) but she seems to be struggling elsewhere.
During the school holidays she hasn't done anything with the children. When she has them they just lie in bed all day watching youtube videos, apparently. All showers/baths, exercise, etc. are done when they are with me and I've taken them on holiday this summer, as well as fitted in a lot of activities. I'm not pointscoring here, it's just what parents do in my view. Their confidence is also starting to dip and I'm having to work hard to keep them feeling positive.
Over the last few weeks I've started to get late night texts from X, some aggressive (but unfounded - I won't go into details but it's stuff I could reasonably respond to with "how dare you") and some rambling and vaguely threatening. I normally ignore them but I had a long one after midnight last night, the gist of which is that she feels she can't go on, that she's being a terrible mum, that the kids don't like her, that she can't stand the idea of me with someone else, that she can no longer put on a brave face for the kids and that maybe I should have them full-time as they much prefer being with me. She says she can't wait for each day to be over and that she knows everything is her fault but she doesn't know what to do or how to cope.
This is beginning to worry me a bit. If I'm honest, I'm just about managing to keep on top of everything myself. I have the kids half the week plus a fairly responsible full-time job that sees me travelling quite a lot and under a fair bit of pressure most of the time. I'm financially responsible for everyone around me, and I seem to be the "emotional centre" too. I'm not quite sure how I'd cope if X started failing to hold up her end. She's showing some signs of having real problems and I'm not sure how to handle it. I've replied fairly supportively reminding her how much the kids adore her and that they really need us both now. I also asked if there's anyone she can talk to about how she is feeling but I don't know if there is anyone around her who would be able to help. She's always been completely ruled by her emotions and never really tried to control herself.
Sorry this is a bit rambling but my thoughts aren't really coherent on this. Part of me doesn't care what happens to her now and she certainly didn't seem to care when she put me through the mill, but I know that's just pride and that the children need her to be the best mum she can. I feel like I'm the last person who should step in here, but perhaps I'm the only one who can. None of us can afford for things to get worse.
Anyone been through this or able to offer any constructive advice please? I've talked it through with my friends and whilst they are very supportive, none has any experience of similar situations.
Many thanks
ABD
I know this is extremely cheeky but I could do with a bit of advice please.
Things are not going well for X, and I'm concerned she is heading towards depression. She is just about able to keep things together logistically (although it's always me that is flexible with arrangements and fitting in having the kids around her changing work requirements) but she seems to be struggling elsewhere.
During the school holidays she hasn't done anything with the children. When she has them they just lie in bed all day watching youtube videos, apparently. All showers/baths, exercise, etc. are done when they are with me and I've taken them on holiday this summer, as well as fitted in a lot of activities. I'm not pointscoring here, it's just what parents do in my view. Their confidence is also starting to dip and I'm having to work hard to keep them feeling positive.
Over the last few weeks I've started to get late night texts from X, some aggressive (but unfounded - I won't go into details but it's stuff I could reasonably respond to with "how dare you") and some rambling and vaguely threatening. I normally ignore them but I had a long one after midnight last night, the gist of which is that she feels she can't go on, that she's being a terrible mum, that the kids don't like her, that she can't stand the idea of me with someone else, that she can no longer put on a brave face for the kids and that maybe I should have them full-time as they much prefer being with me. She says she can't wait for each day to be over and that she knows everything is her fault but she doesn't know what to do or how to cope.
This is beginning to worry me a bit. If I'm honest, I'm just about managing to keep on top of everything myself. I have the kids half the week plus a fairly responsible full-time job that sees me travelling quite a lot and under a fair bit of pressure most of the time. I'm financially responsible for everyone around me, and I seem to be the "emotional centre" too. I'm not quite sure how I'd cope if X started failing to hold up her end. She's showing some signs of having real problems and I'm not sure how to handle it. I've replied fairly supportively reminding her how much the kids adore her and that they really need us both now. I also asked if there's anyone she can talk to about how she is feeling but I don't know if there is anyone around her who would be able to help. She's always been completely ruled by her emotions and never really tried to control herself.
Sorry this is a bit rambling but my thoughts aren't really coherent on this. Part of me doesn't care what happens to her now and she certainly didn't seem to care when she put me through the mill, but I know that's just pride and that the children need her to be the best mum she can. I feel like I'm the last person who should step in here, but perhaps I'm the only one who can. None of us can afford for things to get worse.
Anyone been through this or able to offer any constructive advice please? I've talked it through with my friends and whilst they are very supportive, none has any experience of similar situations.
Many thanks
ABD
I'd tell her (probably in no uncertain terms) to go to the doctor. Tell her you think that she is depressed.
Offer (if you can) to home the kids a bit more if that will help her.
Beyond that, I'd be inclined to keep a healthy distance. Being her emotional dump will not be good for either of you, nor the kids imho. Could lead to all sorts of things - but likely none of them will be positive for anyone involved.
Offer (if you can) to home the kids a bit more if that will help her.
Beyond that, I'd be inclined to keep a healthy distance. Being her emotional dump will not be good for either of you, nor the kids imho. Could lead to all sorts of things - but likely none of them will be positive for anyone involved.
I'm not quite sure what advice to give here, ABD. You are grounded enough to know that your kids are the first and last priority for you but equally, you have to get on with your own life.
My situation is different. Briefly, I split from my ex and lived alone for six years but still having them one evening in the week and from Friday 6pm to Sunday 6pm. It was horrible, especially when she started seeing some really rough blokes who were treating her badly. You don't know how heartbreaking that is seeing your children walk back into that house knowing that they weren't going to get much attention as she was too busy with her bloke to look after them properly.
Eventually, she started drinking heavily (there's mental illness there as well) and fell down the stairs once. She once went out drunk in the car chasing her boyfriend after an argument and crashed the car but got away from a DD charge as she started drinking when she got home and by the time the police caught up with her an hour later, they couldn't 100% prove she was drunk prior to the crash. I used to get horrible abusive texts too, the like of which would get me a ban if I posted them on here. Anyhow each time something went wrong, the emergency services were notified who in turn told Social Services. Eventually, the children were put on a CPP and six months later, after she threatened to kill herself and I disarmed her from doing it, the kids came to live with me.
That was January 1st 2012 and they've never stayed overnight at her house since. Nearly have a few times but it's just not happened. Financially, it's been a struggle but I now work from home so it actually fits in with my lifestyle quite nicely. She is getting worse still now, letting me down by not having the kids when she should be, which changes my plans at the last minute. Still drinking, still get the abusive texts from her.
Sorry for going off topic but there are similarities i our situations. The thing I had which is easier than you have is a direct line in the sand between not having the kids with me and having them, January 1st 2012 was the day my life changed. You might end up having the kids extra to start with and still have to work full time which is difficult but you are strong enough, resourceful enough and a bloody good father to be able to manage it. Something will come out inside you to help you to cope.
Might be an idea to get someone to look after the kids for a couple of hours and go round there and have a proper chat. If she really is going downhill fast, are you prepared to give up your career and become a full time dad? I had my dream job (worked in the media department of the football team I supported since a kid) but the logistics did not work out sadly, particularly during the summer holidays. Do you think she will let you have them full time? Do you still have any feelings for her?
One thing. Don't ever compromise on what you do with the kids. They obviously enjoy being with you as their holiday time seems more varied but if this is causing awkwardness with your ex, don't change and do less with them. They have been your focus and should remain so.
Financially, in my situation, I found that Tax Credits looked after me quite well to be honest but then my circumstances are much different than yours; I was an ex-bankrupt living in a rented property and I guess you aren't.
Whatever decision you make, make sure it's 100% right for the kids. Not your ex, the kids. I still get really nasty texts from her saying I stole her kids and that she'd have been a good mother if SS hadn't been involved. She wouldn't, that's her way of dealing with the situation. But what helped me is the truth inside, that I did what I could FOR THE KIDS and not her. At times now, I can't stand her and wish she would leave us all alone but the kids are better with two parents.
Good luck. Not sure this has been much help.
My situation is different. Briefly, I split from my ex and lived alone for six years but still having them one evening in the week and from Friday 6pm to Sunday 6pm. It was horrible, especially when she started seeing some really rough blokes who were treating her badly. You don't know how heartbreaking that is seeing your children walk back into that house knowing that they weren't going to get much attention as she was too busy with her bloke to look after them properly.
Eventually, she started drinking heavily (there's mental illness there as well) and fell down the stairs once. She once went out drunk in the car chasing her boyfriend after an argument and crashed the car but got away from a DD charge as she started drinking when she got home and by the time the police caught up with her an hour later, they couldn't 100% prove she was drunk prior to the crash. I used to get horrible abusive texts too, the like of which would get me a ban if I posted them on here. Anyhow each time something went wrong, the emergency services were notified who in turn told Social Services. Eventually, the children were put on a CPP and six months later, after she threatened to kill herself and I disarmed her from doing it, the kids came to live with me.
That was January 1st 2012 and they've never stayed overnight at her house since. Nearly have a few times but it's just not happened. Financially, it's been a struggle but I now work from home so it actually fits in with my lifestyle quite nicely. She is getting worse still now, letting me down by not having the kids when she should be, which changes my plans at the last minute. Still drinking, still get the abusive texts from her.
Sorry for going off topic but there are similarities i our situations. The thing I had which is easier than you have is a direct line in the sand between not having the kids with me and having them, January 1st 2012 was the day my life changed. You might end up having the kids extra to start with and still have to work full time which is difficult but you are strong enough, resourceful enough and a bloody good father to be able to manage it. Something will come out inside you to help you to cope.
Might be an idea to get someone to look after the kids for a couple of hours and go round there and have a proper chat. If she really is going downhill fast, are you prepared to give up your career and become a full time dad? I had my dream job (worked in the media department of the football team I supported since a kid) but the logistics did not work out sadly, particularly during the summer holidays. Do you think she will let you have them full time? Do you still have any feelings for her?
One thing. Don't ever compromise on what you do with the kids. They obviously enjoy being with you as their holiday time seems more varied but if this is causing awkwardness with your ex, don't change and do less with them. They have been your focus and should remain so.
Financially, in my situation, I found that Tax Credits looked after me quite well to be honest but then my circumstances are much different than yours; I was an ex-bankrupt living in a rented property and I guess you aren't.
Whatever decision you make, make sure it's 100% right for the kids. Not your ex, the kids. I still get really nasty texts from her saying I stole her kids and that she'd have been a good mother if SS hadn't been involved. She wouldn't, that's her way of dealing with the situation. But what helped me is the truth inside, that I did what I could FOR THE KIDS and not her. At times now, I can't stand her and wish she would leave us all alone but the kids are better with two parents.
Good luck. Not sure this has been much help.
scdan4 said:
I'd tell her (probably in no uncertain terms) to go to the doctor. Tell her you think that she is depressed.
Offer (if you can) to home the kids a bit more if that will help her.
Beyond that, I'd be inclined to keep a healthy distance. Being her emotional dump will not be good for either of you, nor the kids imho. Could lead to all sorts of things - but likely none of them will be positive for anyone involved.
Totally agree. Don't get sucked in, don't let her play you again.Offer (if you can) to home the kids a bit more if that will help her.
Beyond that, I'd be inclined to keep a healthy distance. Being her emotional dump will not be good for either of you, nor the kids imho. Could lead to all sorts of things - but likely none of them will be positive for anyone involved.
Difficult one, with lots of dilemmas, and obviously the kids come first.
Is there a chance she could be attention seeking? Could she be leaning on you slightly in an attempt to involve you in her life as much as possible? I can't remember the age of your children, but would they be able to shed some light from their perspective, in terms of her demeanor/happiness etc.
Reason I ask, is I have two sons, ages 9 and 10. They would *love* to spend all day sitting in bed watching YouTube videos and eating Pringles, given the opportunity..
Is there a chance she could be attention seeking? Could she be leaning on you slightly in an attempt to involve you in her life as much as possible? I can't remember the age of your children, but would they be able to shed some light from their perspective, in terms of her demeanor/happiness etc.
Reason I ask, is I have two sons, ages 9 and 10. They would *love* to spend all day sitting in bed watching YouTube videos and eating Pringles, given the opportunity..
scdan4 said:
I'd tell her (probably in no uncertain terms) to go to the doctor. Tell her you think that she is depressed.
Offer (if you can) to home the kids a bit more if that will help her.
Beyond that, I'd be inclined to keep a healthy distance. Being her emotional dump will not be good for either of you, nor the kids imho. Could lead to all sorts of things - but likely none of them will be positive for anyone involved.
Thanks for the reply. I do think she needs to see the GP. I'd like nothing better than to keep a healthy distance, I'm just not sure how far away that is and I want to make sure the kids are OK. IT's tricky to stay close enough to know what's going on and far enough away to avoid becoming the emotional crutch.Offer (if you can) to home the kids a bit more if that will help her.
Beyond that, I'd be inclined to keep a healthy distance. Being her emotional dump will not be good for either of you, nor the kids imho. Could lead to all sorts of things - but likely none of them will be positive for anyone involved.
GloverMart said:
A lot of very useful input
Thanks so much for taking the time to post this. A horrible situation for you and one that I can empathise with certain parts of, although it hadn't occurred to me that things could get that bad. You seem to have coped with it really well.I don't know if (in the short term at least) I could afford to give up my job, but if it was that or nothing, it would be that.
Thanks also for the reminder about it being the kids that matter most. I've generally made a good job of putting them first but sometimes other things demand attention.
I just hope X can see the direction she's heading in time. I'm actually meeting up with my ex brother-in-law tomorrow and if X's sister is around I may have a quiet word.
garyhun said:
Totally agree. Don't get sucked in, don't let her play you again.
I really don't want to - but I'd hate it if something bad happened and I'd seen the signs but not tried to do something. In reality she has no right dumping this on me but "fair" hasn't been involved in this stuff for a while. Thank you for the objectivity though - sometimes you just need someone to say "it's like this".80quattro said:
Difficult one, with lots of dilemmas, and obviously the kids come first.
Is there a chance she could be attention seeking? Could she be leaning on you slightly in an attempt to involve you in her life as much as possible? I can't remember the age of your children, but would they be able to shed some light from their perspective, in terms of her demeanor/happiness etc.
Reason I ask, is I have two sons, ages 9 and 10. They would *love* to spend all day sitting in bed watching YouTube videos and eating Pringles, given the opportunity..
I think there's a lot of possibility in this and it's insightfully observed. The kids are 13 and 10 and they are acutely aware that they are "in the middle". They go out of their way to only say positive things to both of us about the other and I know they would want us back together.Is there a chance she could be attention seeking? Could she be leaning on you slightly in an attempt to involve you in her life as much as possible? I can't remember the age of your children, but would they be able to shed some light from their perspective, in terms of her demeanor/happiness etc.
Reason I ask, is I have two sons, ages 9 and 10. They would *love* to spend all day sitting in bed watching YouTube videos and eating Pringles, given the opportunity..
My kids love lazing around but after a few days they realise it's not good for them. They are both asking regularly if we can go out and do something!
Although I have no experience of a situation like yours ABD I have followed this thread from the start and it would seem to me that X is trying to play on your emotions knowing you're a good guy but you must remember how poorly she's treated you in the past.
Clearly the kids must come first and having a stable mother is important but I don't think you should be sucked in by her, she's made her bed and now she has to lie in it (is that a saying?). I think getting her family involved to support her is the best you can do.
As ever, good luck!
Clearly the kids must come first and having a stable mother is important but I don't think you should be sucked in by her, she's made her bed and now she has to lie in it (is that a saying?). I think getting her family involved to support her is the best you can do.
As ever, good luck!
It's going to be difficult to not get involved. I was very lucky in that my split from my wife was amicable although did involve many shouting matches.
I echo the above, she needs to see her GP. I suspect that she IS depressed, not 'she might be'. In which case going round and saying 'you made your bed now lie in it' is likely to be highly detrimental! I think you do need to go round though and talk to her without the kids but lay down some ground rules. You want to help her as she is the mother of your children and, for their sakes, you want her well but there is no chance of you getting back together. Is there any chance of you both doing something together with the kids or are things a bit too raw?
I echo the above, she needs to see her GP. I suspect that she IS depressed, not 'she might be'. In which case going round and saying 'you made your bed now lie in it' is likely to be highly detrimental! I think you do need to go round though and talk to her without the kids but lay down some ground rules. You want to help her as she is the mother of your children and, for their sakes, you want her well but there is no chance of you getting back together. Is there any chance of you both doing something together with the kids or are things a bit too raw?
I'm struggling to see why this selfish woman still deserves your sympathy. You're no longer her partner and you have no compulsion to help in any way. The only link you have is the children, so concentrate on their welfare. If the children didn't exist you wouldn't consider getting involved in her life these days. She can get help for her mental state via the machinations of the NHS, any practical assistance aside from childcare is not your concern.
pincher said:
I think that's a rather binary view of things - I'm guessing that ABD still has an interest in his ex's well being entirely because of the kids they have together- there will always be an attachment, no matter how much he would probably rather there not be.
This. When kids are involved it's next to impossible to make a clean break. Impasse said:
Not at all. Communication should remain about the children and the requisite contact and that's all that's necessary. No need for any bleeding heart compassion.
Children's welfare is inextricably linked to the parents' involvement and mental (as well as physical) health. It's in ABD's interest to help his ex get treatment to benefit his kids, and ensure he can keep working rather than have to look after the children FT.Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff