Has anyone used a private detective?
Discussion
GloverMart said:
I'm not quite sure what advice to give here, ABD. You are grounded enough to know that your kids are the first and last priority for you but equally, you have to get on with your own life.
My situation is different. Briefly, I split from my ex and lived alone for six years but still having them one evening in the week and from Friday 6pm to Sunday 6pm. It was horrible, especially when she started seeing some really rough blokes who were treating her badly. You don't know how heartbreaking that is seeing your children walk back into that house knowing that they weren't going to get much attention as she was too busy with her bloke to look after them properly.
Eventually, she started drinking heavily (there's mental illness there as well) and fell down the stairs once. She once went out drunk in the car chasing her boyfriend after an argument and crashed the car but got away from a DD charge as she started drinking when she got home and by the time the police caught up with her an hour later, they couldn't 100% prove she was drunk prior to the crash. I used to get horrible abusive texts too, the like of which would get me a ban if I posted them on here. Anyhow each time something went wrong, the emergency services were notified who in turn told Social Services. Eventually, the children were put on a CPP and six months later, after she threatened to kill herself and I disarmed her from doing it, the kids came to live with me.
That was January 1st 2012 and they've never stayed overnight at her house since. Nearly have a few times but it's just not happened. Financially, it's been a struggle but I now work from home so it actually fits in with my lifestyle quite nicely. She is getting worse still now, letting me down by not having the kids when she should be, which changes my plans at the last minute. Still drinking, still get the abusive texts from her.
Sorry for going off topic but there are similarities i our situations. The thing I had which is easier than you have is a direct line in the sand between not having the kids with me and having them, January 1st 2012 was the day my life changed. You might end up having the kids extra to start with and still have to work full time which is difficult but you are strong enough, resourceful enough and a bloody good father to be able to manage it. Something will come out inside you to help you to cope.
Might be an idea to get someone to look after the kids for a couple of hours and go round there and have a proper chat. If she really is going downhill fast, are you prepared to give up your career and become a full time dad? I had my dream job (worked in the media department of the football team I supported since a kid) but the logistics did not work out sadly, particularly during the summer holidays. Do you think she will let you have them full time? Do you still have any feelings for her?
One thing. Don't ever compromise on what you do with the kids. They obviously enjoy being with you as their holiday time seems more varied but if this is causing awkwardness with your ex, don't change and do less with them. They have been your focus and should remain so.
Financially, in my situation, I found that Tax Credits looked after me quite well to be honest but then my circumstances are much different than yours; I was an ex-bankrupt living in a rented property and I guess you aren't.
Whatever decision you make, make sure it's 100% right for the kids. Not your ex, the kids. I still get really nasty texts from her saying I stole her kids and that she'd have been a good mother if SS hadn't been involved. She wouldn't, that's her way of dealing with the situation. But what helped me is the truth inside, that I did what I could FOR THE KIDS and not her. At times now, I can't stand her and wish she would leave us all alone but the kids are better with two parents.
Good luck. Not sure this has been much help.
Just curious.. Do you know you are entitled to CSA, apparently it works both ways. It can be backdated too.My situation is different. Briefly, I split from my ex and lived alone for six years but still having them one evening in the week and from Friday 6pm to Sunday 6pm. It was horrible, especially when she started seeing some really rough blokes who were treating her badly. You don't know how heartbreaking that is seeing your children walk back into that house knowing that they weren't going to get much attention as she was too busy with her bloke to look after them properly.
Eventually, she started drinking heavily (there's mental illness there as well) and fell down the stairs once. She once went out drunk in the car chasing her boyfriend after an argument and crashed the car but got away from a DD charge as she started drinking when she got home and by the time the police caught up with her an hour later, they couldn't 100% prove she was drunk prior to the crash. I used to get horrible abusive texts too, the like of which would get me a ban if I posted them on here. Anyhow each time something went wrong, the emergency services were notified who in turn told Social Services. Eventually, the children were put on a CPP and six months later, after she threatened to kill herself and I disarmed her from doing it, the kids came to live with me.
That was January 1st 2012 and they've never stayed overnight at her house since. Nearly have a few times but it's just not happened. Financially, it's been a struggle but I now work from home so it actually fits in with my lifestyle quite nicely. She is getting worse still now, letting me down by not having the kids when she should be, which changes my plans at the last minute. Still drinking, still get the abusive texts from her.
Sorry for going off topic but there are similarities i our situations. The thing I had which is easier than you have is a direct line in the sand between not having the kids with me and having them, January 1st 2012 was the day my life changed. You might end up having the kids extra to start with and still have to work full time which is difficult but you are strong enough, resourceful enough and a bloody good father to be able to manage it. Something will come out inside you to help you to cope.
Might be an idea to get someone to look after the kids for a couple of hours and go round there and have a proper chat. If she really is going downhill fast, are you prepared to give up your career and become a full time dad? I had my dream job (worked in the media department of the football team I supported since a kid) but the logistics did not work out sadly, particularly during the summer holidays. Do you think she will let you have them full time? Do you still have any feelings for her?
One thing. Don't ever compromise on what you do with the kids. They obviously enjoy being with you as their holiday time seems more varied but if this is causing awkwardness with your ex, don't change and do less with them. They have been your focus and should remain so.
Financially, in my situation, I found that Tax Credits looked after me quite well to be honest but then my circumstances are much different than yours; I was an ex-bankrupt living in a rented property and I guess you aren't.
Whatever decision you make, make sure it's 100% right for the kids. Not your ex, the kids. I still get really nasty texts from her saying I stole her kids and that she'd have been a good mother if SS hadn't been involved. She wouldn't, that's her way of dealing with the situation. But what helped me is the truth inside, that I did what I could FOR THE KIDS and not her. At times now, I can't stand her and wish she would leave us all alone but the kids are better with two parents.
Good luck. Not sure this has been much help.
Carthage said:
Children's welfare is inextricably linked to the parents' involvement and mental (as well as physical) health. It's in ABD's interest to help his ex get treatment to benefit his kids, and ensure he can keep working rather than have to look after the children FT.
She wasn't that fussed about his mental health when all this kicked off two years ago and deserves no sympathy now. The kids will be fine with their dad and she can begin her recovery journey free from being responsible for anyone other than herself, which will probably appeal to her prevalent selfish streak - although I suspect she'll never be sane as her personality seems to be one of self destruction. It's up to ABD to remove the children from any potential collateral damage.Impasse said:
She wasn't that fussed about his mental health when all this kicked off two years ago and deserves no sympathy now. The kids will be fine with their dad and she can begin her recovery journey free from being responsible for anyone other than herself, which will probably appeal to her prevalent selfish streak - although I suspect she'll never be sane as her personality seems to be one of self destruction. It's up to ABD to remove the children from any potential collateral damage.
But ABD isn't sure he can afford to give up his job and/or doesn't want to? So he needs her to be a safe carer for them.And two (preferably functional) parents are always better than one, male or female.
In practical, not emotive and vengeful terms, it's in ABD's interest to help her stay fit to share parental care.
Carthage said:
But ABD isn't sure he can afford to give up his job and/or doesn't want to? So he needs her to be a safe carer for them.
And two (preferably functional) parents are always better than one, male or female.
In practical, not emotive and vengeful terms, it's in ABD's interest to help her stay fit to share parental care.
What she said And two (preferably functional) parents are always better than one, male or female.
In practical, not emotive and vengeful terms, it's in ABD's interest to help her stay fit to share parental care.
Carthage said:
But ABD isn't sure he can afford to give up his job and/or doesn't want to? So he needs her to be a safe carer for them.
And two (preferably functional) parents are always better than one, male or female.
In practical, not emotive and vengeful terms, it's in ABD's interest to help her stay fit to share parental care.
As already mentioned, the CSA along with the various government paid benefits can help the financial concerns and yes, two parents are better than one. However, she's unstable and hasn't really been a particularly good role model over the past couple of years. She's their mother but she's not been a parent for a while. She should think herself lucky not to be facing two hours per fortnight of supervised contact as per a court order.And two (preferably functional) parents are always better than one, male or female.
In practical, not emotive and vengeful terms, it's in ABD's interest to help her stay fit to share parental care.
Let's, for a moment, do a gender swap. Apart from the kids, every one of those involved is their reverse gender. A man having an affair and subsequently feeling sorry for himself because his new partner left him wouldn't be garnering much sympathy. If this were a forum where vipers lurk consider what their input might be about this gender swapped situation. Their advice would have been much more dramatic and a world away from the wet liberal approach now being touted.
Giving this woman a softly softly shoulder is only continuing to enable her victim mentality. I would wager that no matter what words come from her mouth, she still feels it wasn't her fault the marriage ended.
Impasse said:
As already mentioned, the CSA along with the various government paid benefits can help the financial concerns and yes, two parents are better than one. However, she's unstable and hasn't really been a particularly good role model over the past couple of years. She's their mother but she's not been a parent for a while. She should think herself lucky not to be facing two hours per fortnight of supervised contact as per a court order.
Let's, for a moment, do a gender swap. Apart from the kids, every one of those involved is their reverse gender. A man having an affair and subsequently feeling sorry for himself because his new partner left him wouldn't be garnering much sympathy. If this were a forum where vipers lurk consider what their input might be about this gender swapped situation. Their advice would have been much more dramatic and a world away from the wet liberal approach now being touted.
Giving this woman a softly softly shoulder is only continuing to enable her victim mentality. I would wager that no matter what words come from her mouth, she still feels it wasn't her fault the marriage ended.
I'm worried we're taking this OT for ABD, so briefly;Let's, for a moment, do a gender swap. Apart from the kids, every one of those involved is their reverse gender. A man having an affair and subsequently feeling sorry for himself because his new partner left him wouldn't be garnering much sympathy. If this were a forum where vipers lurk consider what their input might be about this gender swapped situation. Their advice would have been much more dramatic and a world away from the wet liberal approach now being touted.
Giving this woman a softly softly shoulder is only continuing to enable her victim mentality. I would wager that no matter what words come from her mouth, she still feels it wasn't her fault the marriage ended.
1. If ABD wanted to give up his job, and go full residence - fine. But he doesn't, and kids are always better with a mother AND a father.
2. Role model - not sure why she's not a good role model (are you saying a cheating spouse makes a bad parent? Not sure I agree). Regardless, contact with a poor mum is better than no mum. The same applies to dads.
3. Gender - totally irrelevant to what I posted. I've always said that men/women should be equal. Really, nobody cares whose fault it was - it's about doing what's best for the kids until they are adult.
Thanks again for all the perspectives.
I'm going to speak to her family tomorrow and share my concerns. Hopefully they will make some effort to help.
If that doesn't work then I'll try to sit down with her (minus the kids) and try to spell things out. This may not be possible for another week or so but at least there's time to think things through.
I do generally think the kids need their mum in as good a frame of mind as possible. If I have to give up work things will change significantly for all of us and I'd prefer to avoid that if possible.
Unfortunately she's on the verge of tears every time I see her at the moment so no chance of doing anything together with the kids. I'm not sure I'd want to anyway but in any case whenever I've been anything other than the bare minimum of civility with her she takes the opportunity of asking why we can't get back together.
It's really wearing me down. I've been feeling run down for several weeks now, and I'm not sleeping well again. Going to be some tricky times ahead I think.
I'm going to speak to her family tomorrow and share my concerns. Hopefully they will make some effort to help.
If that doesn't work then I'll try to sit down with her (minus the kids) and try to spell things out. This may not be possible for another week or so but at least there's time to think things through.
I do generally think the kids need their mum in as good a frame of mind as possible. If I have to give up work things will change significantly for all of us and I'd prefer to avoid that if possible.
Unfortunately she's on the verge of tears every time I see her at the moment so no chance of doing anything together with the kids. I'm not sure I'd want to anyway but in any case whenever I've been anything other than the bare minimum of civility with her she takes the opportunity of asking why we can't get back together.
It's really wearing me down. I've been feeling run down for several weeks now, and I'm not sleeping well again. Going to be some tricky times ahead I think.
tom2019 said:
GloverMart said:
I'm not quite sure what advice to give here, ABD. You are grounded enough to know that your kids are the first and last priority for you but equally, you have to get on with your own life.
My situation is different. Briefly, I split from my ex and lived alone for six years but still having them one evening in the week and from Friday 6pm to Sunday 6pm. It was horrible, especially when she started seeing some really rough blokes who were treating her badly. You don't know how heartbreaking that is seeing your children walk back into that house knowing that they weren't going to get much attention as she was too busy with her bloke to look after them properly.
Eventually, she started drinking heavily (there's mental illness there as well) and fell down the stairs once. She once went out drunk in the car chasing her boyfriend after an argument and crashed the car but got away from a DD charge as she started drinking when she got home and by the time the police caught up with her an hour later, they couldn't 100% prove she was drunk prior to the crash. I used to get horrible abusive texts too, the like of which would get me a ban if I posted them on here. Anyhow each time something went wrong, the emergency services were notified who in turn told Social Services. Eventually, the children were put on a CPP and six months later, after she threatened to kill herself and I disarmed her from doing it, the kids came to live with me.
That was January 1st 2012 and they've never stayed overnight at her house since. Nearly have a few times but it's just not happened. Financially, it's been a struggle but I now work from home so it actually fits in with my lifestyle quite nicely. She is getting worse still now, letting me down by not having the kids when she should be, which changes my plans at the last minute. Still drinking, still get the abusive texts from her.
Sorry for going off topic but there are similarities i our situations. The thing I had which is easier than you have is a direct line in the sand between not having the kids with me and having them, January 1st 2012 was the day my life changed. You might end up having the kids extra to start with and still have to work full time which is difficult but you are strong enough, resourceful enough and a bloody good father to be able to manage it. Something will come out inside you to help you to cope.
Might be an idea to get someone to look after the kids for a couple of hours and go round there and have a proper chat. If she really is going downhill fast, are you prepared to give up your career and become a full time dad? I had my dream job (worked in the media department of the football team I supported since a kid) but the logistics did not work out sadly, particularly during the summer holidays. Do you think she will let you have them full time? Do you still have any feelings for her?
One thing. Don't ever compromise on what you do with the kids. They obviously enjoy being with you as their holiday time seems more varied but if this is causing awkwardness with your ex, don't change and do less with them. They have been your focus and should remain so.
Financially, in my situation, I found that Tax Credits looked after me quite well to be honest but then my circumstances are much different than yours; I was an ex-bankrupt living in a rented property and I guess you aren't.
Whatever decision you make, make sure it's 100% right for the kids. Not your ex, the kids. I still get really nasty texts from her saying I stole her kids and that she'd have been a good mother if SS hadn't been involved. She wouldn't, that's her way of dealing with the situation. But what helped me is the truth inside, that I did what I could FOR THE KIDS and not her. At times now, I can't stand her and wish she would leave us all alone but the kids are better with two parents.
Good luck. Not sure this has been much help.
Just curious.. Do you know you are entitled to CSA, apparently it works both ways. It can be backdated too.My situation is different. Briefly, I split from my ex and lived alone for six years but still having them one evening in the week and from Friday 6pm to Sunday 6pm. It was horrible, especially when she started seeing some really rough blokes who were treating her badly. You don't know how heartbreaking that is seeing your children walk back into that house knowing that they weren't going to get much attention as she was too busy with her bloke to look after them properly.
Eventually, she started drinking heavily (there's mental illness there as well) and fell down the stairs once. She once went out drunk in the car chasing her boyfriend after an argument and crashed the car but got away from a DD charge as she started drinking when she got home and by the time the police caught up with her an hour later, they couldn't 100% prove she was drunk prior to the crash. I used to get horrible abusive texts too, the like of which would get me a ban if I posted them on here. Anyhow each time something went wrong, the emergency services were notified who in turn told Social Services. Eventually, the children were put on a CPP and six months later, after she threatened to kill herself and I disarmed her from doing it, the kids came to live with me.
That was January 1st 2012 and they've never stayed overnight at her house since. Nearly have a few times but it's just not happened. Financially, it's been a struggle but I now work from home so it actually fits in with my lifestyle quite nicely. She is getting worse still now, letting me down by not having the kids when she should be, which changes my plans at the last minute. Still drinking, still get the abusive texts from her.
Sorry for going off topic but there are similarities i our situations. The thing I had which is easier than you have is a direct line in the sand between not having the kids with me and having them, January 1st 2012 was the day my life changed. You might end up having the kids extra to start with and still have to work full time which is difficult but you are strong enough, resourceful enough and a bloody good father to be able to manage it. Something will come out inside you to help you to cope.
Might be an idea to get someone to look after the kids for a couple of hours and go round there and have a proper chat. If she really is going downhill fast, are you prepared to give up your career and become a full time dad? I had my dream job (worked in the media department of the football team I supported since a kid) but the logistics did not work out sadly, particularly during the summer holidays. Do you think she will let you have them full time? Do you still have any feelings for her?
One thing. Don't ever compromise on what you do with the kids. They obviously enjoy being with you as their holiday time seems more varied but if this is causing awkwardness with your ex, don't change and do less with them. They have been your focus and should remain so.
Financially, in my situation, I found that Tax Credits looked after me quite well to be honest but then my circumstances are much different than yours; I was an ex-bankrupt living in a rented property and I guess you aren't.
Whatever decision you make, make sure it's 100% right for the kids. Not your ex, the kids. I still get really nasty texts from her saying I stole her kids and that she'd have been a good mother if SS hadn't been involved. She wouldn't, that's her way of dealing with the situation. But what helped me is the truth inside, that I did what I could FOR THE KIDS and not her. At times now, I can't stand her and wish she would leave us all alone but the kids are better with two parents.
Good luck. Not sure this has been much help.
ABD have you thought about taking the kids full time by use of either a housekeeper or even a nanny.
Your ex gets time to get her head together, you stop paying her to keep the kids unoccupied, you use the former maintenance payments and child credit to pay for said housekeeper or nanny, and you keep your job and your sanity.
Just a thought.
Cheers,
Tony
Your ex gets time to get her head together, you stop paying her to keep the kids unoccupied, you use the former maintenance payments and child credit to pay for said housekeeper or nanny, and you keep your job and your sanity.
Just a thought.
Cheers,
Tony
A bit down said:
Thanks again for all the perspectives.
I'm going to speak to her family tomorrow and share my concerns. Hopefully they will make some effort to help.
If that doesn't work then I'll try to sit down with her (minus the kids) and try to spell things out. This may not be possible for another week or so but at least there's time to think things through.
I do generally think the kids need their mum in as good a frame of mind as possible. If I have to give up work things will change significantly for all of us and I'd prefer to avoid that if possible.
Unfortunately she's on the verge of tears every time I see her at the moment so no chance of doing anything together with the kids. I'm not sure I'd want to anyway but in any case whenever I've been anything other than the bare minimum of civility with her she takes the opportunity of asking why we can't get back together.
It's really wearing me down. I've been feeling run down for several weeks now, and I'm not sleeping well again. Going to be some tricky times ahead I think.
This sounds rather like depression, however my greater guess would be that Lover Boy's fI'm going to speak to her family tomorrow and share my concerns. Hopefully they will make some effort to help.
If that doesn't work then I'll try to sit down with her (minus the kids) and try to spell things out. This may not be possible for another week or so but at least there's time to think things through.
I do generally think the kids need their mum in as good a frame of mind as possible. If I have to give up work things will change significantly for all of us and I'd prefer to avoid that if possible.
Unfortunately she's on the verge of tears every time I see her at the moment so no chance of doing anything together with the kids. I'm not sure I'd want to anyway but in any case whenever I've been anything other than the bare minimum of civility with her she takes the opportunity of asking why we can't get back together.
It's really wearing me down. I've been feeling run down for several weeks now, and I'm not sleeping well again. Going to be some tricky times ahead I think.
ked off, and the realisation that life isn't so great as a singleton has hit hard.So what. She made her choices; she can live with the consequences.
Remember, when you gave her the opportunity to come clean about the suspected affair, she lied, lied, and lied again.
Tony427 said:
ABD have you thought about taking the kids full time by use of either a housekeeper or even a nanny.
Your ex gets time to get her head together, you stop paying her to keep the kids unoccupied, you use the former maintenance payments and child credit to pay for said housekeeper or nanny, and you keep your job and your sanity.
Just a thought.
Cheers,
Tony
This may well turn out to be a good idea and I hadn't considered it - thanks very much for the suggestion.Your ex gets time to get her head together, you stop paying her to keep the kids unoccupied, you use the former maintenance payments and child credit to pay for said housekeeper or nanny, and you keep your job and your sanity.
Just a thought.
Cheers,
Tony
Mobile Chicane said:
This sounds rather like depression, however my greater guess would be that Lover Boy's fked off, and the realisation that life isn't so great as a singleton has hit hard.
So what. She made her choices; she can live with the consequences.
Remember, when you gave her the opportunity to come clean about the suspected affair, she lied, lied, and lied again.
i think this is probably true and that's how I feel about her as an individual. However, I still need her in a decent place to be a good carer for the children and I can't afford to just let her break down - my concern is for selfish reasons for me and the kids) rather than altruistic ones.ked off, and the realisation that life isn't so great as a singleton has hit hard.So what. She made her choices; she can live with the consequences.
Remember, when you gave her the opportunity to come clean about the suspected affair, she lied, lied, and lied again.
Appreciate the input, thanks.
ABD,sorry to hear about the latest news. I think I posted early in this thread that I was in a similar situation but probably a year or two ahead of you. My ex behaved almost exactly the same as yours. Initially the kids spent 4 days with me, 3 with her. But her drinking/abuse and her new abusive partner she moved in with meant that they now live with me all the time.
First of all: YOU CAN'T SAVE HER. Not that you should, but she's on a self-destructive path which will bring others around her down with her if she is given the chance. It's all very well saying that your kids need a healthy mother, which is ideal, but if you get involved trying to save her then this is going to bring you down, and your kids will have no-one. You have to protect yourself to protect your kids. Tell her to go to the doctor, or contact MIND, or speak to her family, but otherwise stay away as only pain can result from it.
Secondly, she has said you should probably have the kids. Do it. For a woman to say that, things must be really bad. She is warning you that something bad could happen. Get some help with a nanny or family member. Ask work if you can do flexible hours or work from home more. In my case I gave up work and started doing par time consultancy, which was a big step down but allowed me to look after the kids (and tax credits helped). Strangely, after a couple of years of pain, work is amazing now and I'm earning more than I ever did. Kids are really adaptable and know that stability is good in their lives - you'll be able to handle it. Make sure you have something in writing with regard to you having the kids - good for getting child benefit and tax credits.
Thirdly: Your mental/physical health is vital for the kids. You say you're struggling and this probably has something to do with your ex still being in your life. Make sure you've got time to yourself, speak to a close mate, have some beers.
Finally: It's hard, but seriously just try to have absolutely minimal contact with the ex. These people need boundaries and once told "I'm not interested, go and talk to a friend" a few times then eventually she'll stop trying to burden you with her problems. She still thinks she has some power over you and that you care about her. Any conversation should simply be about the logistics of child care and nothing more.
It does get properly better mate. All the best.
First of all: YOU CAN'T SAVE HER. Not that you should, but she's on a self-destructive path which will bring others around her down with her if she is given the chance. It's all very well saying that your kids need a healthy mother, which is ideal, but if you get involved trying to save her then this is going to bring you down, and your kids will have no-one. You have to protect yourself to protect your kids. Tell her to go to the doctor, or contact MIND, or speak to her family, but otherwise stay away as only pain can result from it.
Secondly, she has said you should probably have the kids. Do it. For a woman to say that, things must be really bad. She is warning you that something bad could happen. Get some help with a nanny or family member. Ask work if you can do flexible hours or work from home more. In my case I gave up work and started doing par time consultancy, which was a big step down but allowed me to look after the kids (and tax credits helped). Strangely, after a couple of years of pain, work is amazing now and I'm earning more than I ever did. Kids are really adaptable and know that stability is good in their lives - you'll be able to handle it. Make sure you have something in writing with regard to you having the kids - good for getting child benefit and tax credits.
Thirdly: Your mental/physical health is vital for the kids. You say you're struggling and this probably has something to do with your ex still being in your life. Make sure you've got time to yourself, speak to a close mate, have some beers.
Finally: It's hard, but seriously just try to have absolutely minimal contact with the ex. These people need boundaries and once told "I'm not interested, go and talk to a friend" a few times then eventually she'll stop trying to burden you with her problems. She still thinks she has some power over you and that you care about her. Any conversation should simply be about the logistics of child care and nothing more.
It does get properly better mate. All the best.
A bit down said:
Mobile Chicane said:
This sounds rather like depression, however my greater guess would be that Lover Boy's fked off, and the realisation that life isn't so great as a singleton has hit hard.
So what. She made her choices; she can live with the consequences.
Remember, when you gave her the opportunity to come clean about the suspected affair, she lied, lied, and lied again.
i think this is probably true and that's how I feel about her as an individual. However, I still need her in a decent place to be a good carer for the children and I can't afford to just let her break down - my concern is for selfish reasons for me and the kids) rather than altruistic ones.ked off, and the realisation that life isn't so great as a singleton has hit hard.So what. She made her choices; she can live with the consequences.
Remember, when you gave her the opportunity to come clean about the suspected affair, she lied, lied, and lied again.
Appreciate the input, thanks.
But then again, more important than that is that my boys get to see their Mum albeit irregularly and it gives me a few hours to myself to be a human being again.
mikefacel said:
ABD,sorry to hear about the latest news. I think I posted early in this thread that I was in a similar situation but probably a year or two ahead of you. My ex behaved almost exactly the same as yours. Initially the kids spent 4 days with me, 3 with her. But her drinking/abuse and her new abusive partner she moved in with meant that they now live with me all the time.
First of all: YOU CAN'T SAVE HER. Not that you should, but she's on a self-destructive path which will bring others around her down with her if she is given the chance. It's all very well saying that your kids need a healthy mother, which is ideal, but if you get involved trying to save her then this is going to bring you down, and your kids will have no-one. You have to protect yourself to protect your kids. Tell her to go to the doctor, or contact MIND, or speak to her family, but otherwise stay away as only pain can result from it.
Secondly, she has said you should probably have the kids. Do it. For a woman to say that, things must be really bad. She is warning you that something bad could happen. Get some help with a nanny or family member. Ask work if you can do flexible hours or work from home more. In my case I gave up work and started doing par time consultancy, which was a big step down but allowed me to look after the kids (and tax credits helped). Strangely, after a couple of years of pain, work is amazing now and I'm earning more than I ever did. Kids are really adaptable and know that stability is good in their lives - you'll be able to handle it. Make sure you have something in writing with regard to you having the kids - good for getting child benefit and tax credits.
Thirdly: Your mental/physical health is vital for the kids. You say you're struggling and this probably has something to do with your ex still being in your life. Make sure you've got time to yourself, speak to a close mate, have some beers.
Finally: It's hard, but seriously just try to have absolutely minimal contact with the ex. These people need boundaries and once told "I'm not interested, go and talk to a friend" a few times then eventually she'll stop trying to burden you with her problems. She still thinks she has some power over you and that you care about her. Any conversation should simply be about the logistics of child care and nothing more.
It does get properly better mate. All the best.
Thanks for this. It sounds like you've had a tough time but come out of the other side and I appreciate your speaking from experience. I spoke to her family today and explained things to them. We get on well and I asked them to take responsibility for helping her out. They'll be getting in touch tomorrow without referencing our conversation, obviously. If we don't see improvement/action over the next week then I'm going to ask her for a meeting and be clear that I've had enough. We'll see where it goes from there. Interestingly her family's view was that she's being selfish and attention seeking. I hope they are right and that's all it is.First of all: YOU CAN'T SAVE HER. Not that you should, but she's on a self-destructive path which will bring others around her down with her if she is given the chance. It's all very well saying that your kids need a healthy mother, which is ideal, but if you get involved trying to save her then this is going to bring you down, and your kids will have no-one. You have to protect yourself to protect your kids. Tell her to go to the doctor, or contact MIND, or speak to her family, but otherwise stay away as only pain can result from it.
Secondly, she has said you should probably have the kids. Do it. For a woman to say that, things must be really bad. She is warning you that something bad could happen. Get some help with a nanny or family member. Ask work if you can do flexible hours or work from home more. In my case I gave up work and started doing par time consultancy, which was a big step down but allowed me to look after the kids (and tax credits helped). Strangely, after a couple of years of pain, work is amazing now and I'm earning more than I ever did. Kids are really adaptable and know that stability is good in their lives - you'll be able to handle it. Make sure you have something in writing with regard to you having the kids - good for getting child benefit and tax credits.
Thirdly: Your mental/physical health is vital for the kids. You say you're struggling and this probably has something to do with your ex still being in your life. Make sure you've got time to yourself, speak to a close mate, have some beers.
Finally: It's hard, but seriously just try to have absolutely minimal contact with the ex. These people need boundaries and once told "I'm not interested, go and talk to a friend" a few times then eventually she'll stop trying to burden you with her problems. She still thinks she has some power over you and that you care about her. Any conversation should simply be about the logistics of child care and nothing more.
It does get properly better mate. All the best.
I'm also meeting up with some of my friends tomorrow, it'll be interesting to see what they have to say.
ABD, I know you won't want to keep messages from her, but it might be a good idea to keep the recent ones from her about the state of her mental health, that way if someone approaches her with "ABD said this..." and she accuses you of lying to make her feel worse, then you've got the proof.
Hopefully her family will be able to get her to face up to her problems and start dealing with them on her own, with help from them rather than you.
Hopefully her family will be able to get her to face up to her problems and start dealing with them on her own, with help from them rather than you.
That's a good point, MS. Another tip I was given early on was to keep a diary of events / issues / problems that happen. If anything happens down the line that means you have to get the authorities involved, you won't be able to rely on your memory (at least you won't if it's anything like mine!).
I kept one for two or three years detailing stuff that happened and I found it invaluable. Still look at it from time to time and smile at how the situation has turned out.
I kept one for two or three years detailing stuff that happened and I found it invaluable. Still look at it from time to time and smile at how the situation has turned out.
A bit down said:
Thanks for this. It sounds like you've had a tough time but come out of the other side and I appreciate your speaking from experience. I spoke to her family today and explained things to them. We get on well and I asked them to take responsibility for helping her out. They'll be getting in touch tomorrow without referencing our conversation, obviously. If we don't see improvement/action over the next week then I'm going to ask her for a meeting and be clear that I've had enough. We'll see where it goes from there. Interestingly her family's view was that she's being selfish and attention seeking. I hope they are right and that's all it is.
I'm also meeting up with some of my friends tomorrow, it'll be interesting to see what they have to say.
Nice one.I'm also meeting up with some of my friends tomorrow, it'll be interesting to see what they have to say.
Off to the left question ABD, do you still have feelings for her, going back a year you where very much in love with her. I know what she has done is wrong, very wrong, none of us though are perfect. If there is anything left of the person you loved last year and if you think you could learn to love her again it may be worth exploring. Perhaps some counselling sessions to start with.
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