Has anyone used a private detective?
Discussion
MentalSarcasm said:
ABD, I know you won't want to keep messages from her, but it might be a good idea to keep the recent ones from her about the state of her mental health, that way if someone approaches her with "ABD said this..." and she accuses you of lying to make her feel worse, then you've got the proof.
Hopefully her family will be able to get her to face up to her problems and start dealing with them on her own, with help from them rather than you.
Good idea, thanks.Hopefully her family will be able to get her to face up to her problems and start dealing with them on her own, with help from them rather than you.
Chim said:
Off to the left question ABD, do you still have feelings for her, going back a year you where very much in love with her. I know what she has done is wrong, very wrong, none of us though are perfect. If there is anything left of the person you loved last year and if you think you could learn to love her again it may be worth exploring. Perhaps some counselling sessions to start with.
Thanks for the suggestion.Amazingly it's actually been nearly two years since we separated and longer than that since these issues surfaced (it's flown). My biggest concern was breaking up the family unit and not seeing my children every day and I still struggle with this. A bit of time and distance has made me realise that things weren't right between X and I for a very long time and some of the things she has said and done have made me realise that I'm far better off without her.
To answer your question directly no, there's no feeling left for me towards her and there is no chance of reconciliation. I'd fully admit that I made mistakes during our marriage and I wish there are some things I could change but she has proven to be a cheat and a liar, and prepared to put herself ahead of the children and family. Although it sounds pompous, I'm none of those things and I don't need them in my life.
Tough one. How involved do you get? How involved do you WANT to get? It's a balancing act, for me at least. Twice now I have stepped in, since October 2010 when my ex made poor choices that could affect my children. I try and steer as clear as I can, I don't want to know, or be involved in, her issues.....they're hers. She absolved me of that chore/requirement when she lied, cheated (etc).
As I said though, twice I have had to step in. Once when she got beaten up by [new bloke 1] to the point of unconsciousness with my kids asleep upstairs, a week or two later I was returning them of a morning and he was there. Stupid, stupid woman. I refused to hand them back and took them home until he was out. I told her I would create havoc for her if I ever saw him around my kids. Luckily she listened.
Second, recently, [new bloke 3] (After [new bloke 2] went green eyed monster mental on her) was a mutual friend. I warned him about her and he didnt listen....I told him what would happen. Fast forward three months and he's threatening to kill himself in front of her. Even she saw cause to involve the police which is worrying. He took back presents he had given to the children (my poor 6yo lad was devastated at the xbox going) and generally behaved like an utter moron. I had to let him know if he did anything to upset my children I was going to go and sort him out. I told him that if he wanted to do anything silly, to let me know so I could get the kids out the way first- which I did on one occasion when he took their gifts back.
Eventually I negotiated a truce between them. I bought my lad a new xbox. It's calmed down now.
So, is there a point to my ramble? Yes. She is not your responsibility any more, but that comes with a caveat because her wellbeing affects your kids wellbeing which IS your responsibility. By proxy, you kind of have to afford her some sort of concern. My choice is to sit back and watch the melee unfold until it hits a point where there might be a direct impact on the children (now 8 and 6). I have told her that her life is her life, but I will be right in her face the second it crosses the line, and I will do what I need to to make sure the kids are not impacted, be it to her benefit or detriment.
I think that last line is an important line to communicate to your ex. Be it to her benefit or detriment.
As I said though, twice I have had to step in. Once when she got beaten up by [new bloke 1] to the point of unconsciousness with my kids asleep upstairs, a week or two later I was returning them of a morning and he was there. Stupid, stupid woman. I refused to hand them back and took them home until he was out. I told her I would create havoc for her if I ever saw him around my kids. Luckily she listened.
Second, recently, [new bloke 3] (After [new bloke 2] went green eyed monster mental on her) was a mutual friend. I warned him about her and he didnt listen....I told him what would happen. Fast forward three months and he's threatening to kill himself in front of her. Even she saw cause to involve the police which is worrying. He took back presents he had given to the children (my poor 6yo lad was devastated at the xbox going) and generally behaved like an utter moron. I had to let him know if he did anything to upset my children I was going to go and sort him out. I told him that if he wanted to do anything silly, to let me know so I could get the kids out the way first- which I did on one occasion when he took their gifts back.
Eventually I negotiated a truce between them. I bought my lad a new xbox. It's calmed down now.
So, is there a point to my ramble? Yes. She is not your responsibility any more, but that comes with a caveat because her wellbeing affects your kids wellbeing which IS your responsibility. By proxy, you kind of have to afford her some sort of concern. My choice is to sit back and watch the melee unfold until it hits a point where there might be a direct impact on the children (now 8 and 6). I have told her that her life is her life, but I will be right in her face the second it crosses the line, and I will do what I need to to make sure the kids are not impacted, be it to her benefit or detriment.
I think that last line is an important line to communicate to your ex. Be it to her benefit or detriment.
Hi ABD I often wonder how you're getting along.... I don't have much to add to what has already been said but I appreciate how difficult it is to do the right thing by your kids but not appear to become too involved with the X and the issues she's so obviously brought upon herself..... My X has also had a few wobbles and I found the best course of action was to meet face to face and be somewhat to the point and blunt about it. Not a nice situation and I hope you get it resolved.
DaveL, thanks for the comments and sharing your experiences. I really hope it doesn't come to that for me but X isn't known for her rationality or good decision making so who knows?
STK, Pommy - thanks, appreciated.
I haven't had any texts that don't relate to the kids for a couple of days. I'm hoping that the family have intervened, rather than that she's just letting things build up to the next explosion.
STK, Pommy - thanks, appreciated.
I haven't had any texts that don't relate to the kids for a couple of days. I'm hoping that the family have intervened, rather than that she's just letting things build up to the next explosion.
ADB.
Been reading this since day one.
You need a holiday mate.
Not 2 weeks in Nee Foo Young or Bali but a couple of days and nights (ie long weekend) just you and a close mate or even just you as you do seem to be the sort who can enjoy and make the most of their own company.
Doesn't even have to be abroad, just a couple of nights off and to get your head clear and work through the scenarios and solutions. You have some serious s
t ahead of you. You know that, others have mentioned that and even I can see it. Take this opportunity to work a weekend (or week days if your life rolls that way) in the next 2 or 3 weeks where you can do this. I have a feeling, and suspect that you do, that it might be the last chance you get for a while when this really kicks off and you need to be straight for you, the kids, and I hate to say it but her to, if only for the kids!
Been reading this since day one.
You need a holiday mate.
Not 2 weeks in Nee Foo Young or Bali but a couple of days and nights (ie long weekend) just you and a close mate or even just you as you do seem to be the sort who can enjoy and make the most of their own company.
Doesn't even have to be abroad, just a couple of nights off and to get your head clear and work through the scenarios and solutions. You have some serious s
t ahead of you. You know that, others have mentioned that and even I can see it. Take this opportunity to work a weekend (or week days if your life rolls that way) in the next 2 or 3 weeks where you can do this. I have a feeling, and suspect that you do, that it might be the last chance you get for a while when this really kicks off and you need to be straight for you, the kids, and I hate to say it but her to, if only for the kids!I'm writing about my personal experiences to show some perspective from a kids point of view, and how it made me who I am.
I was 13 when my "mother" upped and left, blaming my Dad, health scares, wanted to pursue her career, me, pretty much anything she could, when in reality she wanted to f*ck off with some other (married) bloke. It went on for a couple of months with no real doubts until my dad noticed her change similar to the way the OP's wife did. It all came to a head about 3 months later when she dropped the bombshell on my dad. I can remember coming downstairs after doing something to find my dad sat in the kitchen, head in his hands crying his eyes out, saying that she was leaving him, and that it was all his fault. At 13, no child wants to see their Father crying, and I had never seen him cry before or since.
She told my 2 older sisters who had moved out the following day and then blamed everything on dad, saying he didn't support her through a totally fictitious cancer scare, she promptly changed her story to wanted to pursue her career. So that was that, she was leaving, 2 weeks after I started year 9, 6 weeks until the start of my SATS exams. She had until the end of the month to find her own place because Dad had given me the option to decide when she left (he initially talked me out of "end of the week" seeing at it was unfair and it was a Thursday) so it was the end of September. During the 2 weeks she was lodging at Dad's house she came and went as she pleased, never cooked dinner for anybody except herself (not ever me) and left the house in an absolute stheap. At 13, I came back from a half day at school and had to clear a way into the front room through junk and crap of hers.
After she had left my Dad contacted the school telling my tutor on what happened. When I went in the next day I was pulled into a separate room, offered counseling to which I declined. I was then asked if I was okay and how I was holding up. I then exploded into tears due to the stress of it all and it took 2 hours for me to calm down. It was one of the most scarring months of my life, trying to hold it all together when all of my family was crumbling around me. I lost a load of weight (went dangerously thin) and so did my dad, down to stress. Bearing in mind that during all of this my dad, who's a pensioner, with a completely facked hip so he can't walk properly who also works was trying to keep me fed, the house warm, the washing done, the dishes clean, food in my belly and a lunchbox for school every day needless to say he become overwhelmed and was signed off stressed & depressed.
Once my "mother" had found her own place my dad suggested to me and her that I come over and stay, which was swiftly met with a bluntly put "absolutely not" We later confirmed our suspicions that she was having an affair, and when I confronted her about it she told me to "butt out, it's none of your business, you know nothing" and told my dad he was a "guttersnipe" when he informed her that we would be telling both daughters.
After this episode I politely asked her that as long as she's with that gutless gobste (He got all cocky with me, telling me I should keep my nose out, which was quickly met confrontation to pipe down or get a whack (from a 13 year old lad who was almost spitting nails) he quietly bid a retreat behind "mother") I then told her that I want nothing to do with her and she needs to choose, love life, or her son.
She chose her love life, and told me to "have a nice life"..
for all of about 6 months, until he ditched and swanned off back to his wife and the 2 kids he left behind aswell.
Then I couldn't get rid of her, after many times of being told that I wasn't interested, my dad convinced me that I should at least hear her out. So I did and began rekindling a relationship for all of about 4 months until it suddenly stopped.
Upon further investigation, we found that she had got back with him, so I gave her the ultimatum again to which she responded "fine, call me when you lose the attitude"
This was well over 5 years ago now, and I haven't spoken to her since.
Anyway, that's a bit a of a ramble and I doubt you really wanted to read all of that, so I'll get to my actual reason for posting.
You highlighted that your little boy has asked, a couple of times why you can't get back together. When he gets older he'll understand, when he begins to ask questions(same with your daughter) tell them the truth, everything. If they hear dibs and drabs they'll tell their mum and you'll be made to be the bad person. If you tell the whole truth, as my dad did with me, you then leave them to make their own decisions and if they then tell their mum you can hold the moral high ground claiming, they asked, you told them the truth. When I went through it I thought a couple of times that surely it would be easier for them to get back together, but I now see what really happened, and can understand what my dad did and why.
It was bloody hard on my dad, well into his 60's trying to keep on top of the bills, work, keep the house warm,keep the house clean, do the washing and ironing, keep food in the fridge, making me do homework whilst raising a mentally damaged young boy all on his own, with important exams only weeks away, whilst trying to maintain some form of stability in his home, and try to limit the implications on future life was hard for him, and to this day I still see it affects him.
But, 7 years on, I've got a wonderful Fianceé (which I am punching well above my weight on, even I'll admit!) A decent car, a great, VERY well paid job, with good GCSE and A Level results, and enough savings to put down on a house I can finally say that after 7 long, hard years I've done my dad proud and most importantly shown that whilst my home life got wrecked because of my mothers infidelity, I managed to come back and get my life into a very, very good position and I can honestly put my hand on my heart and say that the only reason I am who I am today, is because my dad taught me that even at your lowest, you still matter. Yes I will admit that it has caused some permanent damage to myself but I don't see it as a bad thing anymore, I see it as a life skill that I had to learn the hard way, and at the same time as my dad did too.
That's just my experience when I was 13. I hope that this has put some perspective on it, so hopefully you can see it from their view and get some insight on how I dealt with it when it happened to me and how it affects them, even if they don't say.
I will also add that if I ever meet you, the first pint is on me. You've done a great job throughout and put your kids first. You are the true definition of a "dad" not just a father. I commend you sir!
I was 13 when my "mother" upped and left, blaming my Dad, health scares, wanted to pursue her career, me, pretty much anything she could, when in reality she wanted to f*ck off with some other (married) bloke. It went on for a couple of months with no real doubts until my dad noticed her change similar to the way the OP's wife did. It all came to a head about 3 months later when she dropped the bombshell on my dad. I can remember coming downstairs after doing something to find my dad sat in the kitchen, head in his hands crying his eyes out, saying that she was leaving him, and that it was all his fault. At 13, no child wants to see their Father crying, and I had never seen him cry before or since.
She told my 2 older sisters who had moved out the following day and then blamed everything on dad, saying he didn't support her through a totally fictitious cancer scare, she promptly changed her story to wanted to pursue her career. So that was that, she was leaving, 2 weeks after I started year 9, 6 weeks until the start of my SATS exams. She had until the end of the month to find her own place because Dad had given me the option to decide when she left (he initially talked me out of "end of the week" seeing at it was unfair and it was a Thursday) so it was the end of September. During the 2 weeks she was lodging at Dad's house she came and went as she pleased, never cooked dinner for anybody except herself (not ever me) and left the house in an absolute s
theap. At 13, I came back from a half day at school and had to clear a way into the front room through junk and crap of hers.After she had left my Dad contacted the school telling my tutor on what happened. When I went in the next day I was pulled into a separate room, offered counseling to which I declined. I was then asked if I was okay and how I was holding up. I then exploded into tears due to the stress of it all and it took 2 hours for me to calm down. It was one of the most scarring months of my life, trying to hold it all together when all of my family was crumbling around me. I lost a load of weight (went dangerously thin) and so did my dad, down to stress. Bearing in mind that during all of this my dad, who's a pensioner, with a completely facked hip so he can't walk properly who also works was trying to keep me fed, the house warm, the washing done, the dishes clean, food in my belly and a lunchbox for school every day needless to say he become overwhelmed and was signed off stressed & depressed.
Once my "mother" had found her own place my dad suggested to me and her that I come over and stay, which was swiftly met with a bluntly put "absolutely not" We later confirmed our suspicions that she was having an affair, and when I confronted her about it she told me to "butt out, it's none of your business, you know nothing" and told my dad he was a "guttersnipe" when he informed her that we would be telling both daughters.
After this episode I politely asked her that as long as she's with that gutless gobs
te (He got all cocky with me, telling me I should keep my nose out, which was quickly met confrontation to pipe down or get a whack (from a 13 year old lad who was almost spitting nails) he quietly bid a retreat behind "mother") I then told her that I want nothing to do with her and she needs to choose, love life, or her son. She chose her love life, and told me to "have a nice life"..
for all of about 6 months, until he ditched and swanned off back to his wife and the 2 kids he left behind aswell.
Then I couldn't get rid of her, after many times of being told that I wasn't interested, my dad convinced me that I should at least hear her out. So I did and began rekindling a relationship for all of about 4 months until it suddenly stopped.
Upon further investigation, we found that she had got back with him, so I gave her the ultimatum again to which she responded "fine, call me when you lose the attitude"
This was well over 5 years ago now, and I haven't spoken to her since.
Anyway, that's a bit a of a ramble and I doubt you really wanted to read all of that, so I'll get to my actual reason for posting.
You highlighted that your little boy has asked, a couple of times why you can't get back together. When he gets older he'll understand, when he begins to ask questions(same with your daughter) tell them the truth, everything. If they hear dibs and drabs they'll tell their mum and you'll be made to be the bad person. If you tell the whole truth, as my dad did with me, you then leave them to make their own decisions and if they then tell their mum you can hold the moral high ground claiming, they asked, you told them the truth. When I went through it I thought a couple of times that surely it would be easier for them to get back together, but I now see what really happened, and can understand what my dad did and why.
It was bloody hard on my dad, well into his 60's trying to keep on top of the bills, work, keep the house warm,keep the house clean, do the washing and ironing, keep food in the fridge, making me do homework whilst raising a mentally damaged young boy all on his own, with important exams only weeks away, whilst trying to maintain some form of stability in his home, and try to limit the implications on future life was hard for him, and to this day I still see it affects him.
But, 7 years on, I've got a wonderful Fianceé (which I am punching well above my weight on, even I'll admit!) A decent car, a great, VERY well paid job, with good GCSE and A Level results, and enough savings to put down on a house I can finally say that after 7 long, hard years I've done my dad proud and most importantly shown that whilst my home life got wrecked because of my mothers infidelity, I managed to come back and get my life into a very, very good position and I can honestly put my hand on my heart and say that the only reason I am who I am today, is because my dad taught me that even at your lowest, you still matter. Yes I will admit that it has caused some permanent damage to myself but I don't see it as a bad thing anymore, I see it as a life skill that I had to learn the hard way, and at the same time as my dad did too.
That's just my experience when I was 13. I hope that this has put some perspective on it, so hopefully you can see it from their view and get some insight on how I dealt with it when it happened to me and how it affects them, even if they don't say.
I will also add that if I ever meet you, the first pint is on me. You've done a great job throughout and put your kids first. You are the true definition of a "dad" not just a father. I commend you sir!
JakeThePeg said:
I will also add that if I ever meet you, the first pint is on me. You've done a great job throughout and put your kids first. You are the true definition of a "dad" not just a father. I commend you sir!
And I will get you your first.You sound very switched on and have done well considering what you went through. Well done.
Jasandjules said:
JakeThePeg said:
I will also add that if I ever meet you, the first pint is on me. You've done a great job throughout and put your kids first. You are the true definition of a "dad" not just a father. I commend you sir!
And I will get you your first.You sound very switched on and have done well considering what you went through. Well done.
Chim said:
Jasandjules said:
JakeThePeg said:
I will also add that if I ever meet you, the first pint is on me. You've done a great job throughout and put your kids first. You are the true definition of a "dad" not just a father. I commend you sir!
And I will get you your first.You sound very switched on and have done well considering what you went through. Well done.
Chim - My oldest half sister (which isn't realated to my "Mother" at all doesn't speak to her at all. Whereas my other sister who is her daughter (from previous relationship) does, and what I have found out recently is that my "mother" was pushing my sister/her daughter to get back in touch with her real dad, not mine. Which is something she forbid when she was with my dad. Talk about double standards eh?
It has in someways and it hasn't in others.
Sister 2 (share mother) I rarely see/speak to anymore, not because we've fallen out, but because we don't see eye-to-eye on the way she's gone about things (deliberately withheld information relating to grandparents illness) and I don't like how she's now borderling disowning my father because her biological one has made a re-appearance.
(Ooh! I should add that when sister2's mum and Dad split up, mum made up lies to tell the courts to stop him from picking her up in the car, so he got the bus numerous times only to be told she wasn't well, bearing in mind he had just done a 30 mile trip, without a phone call, that's what she's like)
But, in others it hasn't because I'm now a lot closer to my other sister and the other side of my family, so in someways it has affected the family, in others it hasn't. But my sentiment on it is that I've always held my own mind and defended for what I believed in, even if it has got my in trouble, whereas sister2 backs down at any sign on confrontation and lets other people lead her decisions.
But I'm happy with the way my life has worked out even if she has wrecked the family, I'm proud to say she hasn't wrecked my life.
JakeThePeg, thanks so much for taking the time to give some perspective and I'm glad things have worked out for you. It sounds like your Dad is a good man and did everything he could for you, which on the surface would appear to be what every parent should do but we all know that they don't.
My kids seem to be doing OK now. It's over two years since X moved out and I'm settled into the logistics of my life, which has helped them settle too. I won't ever tell them what happened but they are pretty sharp and I'm sure they will work things out - especially as X apparently often tells them how much she regrets her behaviour over the latter part of our marriage.
I've now reached the stage where I need to sort finances for the future and that is going to involve some tricky conversations with X, probably around divorce. She has been really keeping her distance over the last couple of months, to the point where I don't think we've actually spoken face to face or on the phone. Arrangements are made by text or via the kids - I hope this is her moving on and trying to put things behind her, we'll see.
In other news, I broke things off with the woman I had been seeing for most of this year. I enjoyed her company and we had fun but my heart wasn't really in it and I was struggling to find time for a relationship. I thing she perhaps saw things differently and was a bit more into it than I was and although I was open and honest (without hurting her) when I ended it she hasn't taken it well and I'm getting some fairly bizarre texts/voicemails. It seems I attract the slightly unhinged type but it only surfaces when things get tricky! I think this has probably put me off dating for a while as I really don't need the hassle. At least it means I can fully focus on the kids over Christmas and we'll have a great time.
By the way, no need for a pint - I reckon I owe about a hundred to people who have provided support and advice through this thread so I hope karma evens things out!
My kids seem to be doing OK now. It's over two years since X moved out and I'm settled into the logistics of my life, which has helped them settle too. I won't ever tell them what happened but they are pretty sharp and I'm sure they will work things out - especially as X apparently often tells them how much she regrets her behaviour over the latter part of our marriage.
I've now reached the stage where I need to sort finances for the future and that is going to involve some tricky conversations with X, probably around divorce. She has been really keeping her distance over the last couple of months, to the point where I don't think we've actually spoken face to face or on the phone. Arrangements are made by text or via the kids - I hope this is her moving on and trying to put things behind her, we'll see.
In other news, I broke things off with the woman I had been seeing for most of this year. I enjoyed her company and we had fun but my heart wasn't really in it and I was struggling to find time for a relationship. I thing she perhaps saw things differently and was a bit more into it than I was and although I was open and honest (without hurting her) when I ended it she hasn't taken it well and I'm getting some fairly bizarre texts/voicemails. It seems I attract the slightly unhinged type but it only surfaces when things get tricky! I think this has probably put me off dating for a while as I really don't need the hassle. At least it means I can fully focus on the kids over Christmas and we'll have a great time.
By the way, no need for a pint - I reckon I owe about a hundred to people who have provided support and advice through this thread so I hope karma evens things out!
Sorry for the delay and thanks for asking.
It's an interesting time now - nearly three years since I started to have suspicions and it feels like a lifetime ago. I can barely remember what my previous life was like.
The kids are doing OK - the eldest has a bit of anxiety but we're dealing with it and the school have been good. Academically they are both doing well and they are good, pleasant kids. I work very hard at this, I feel like it's my main purpose in life now. It always should have been.
Christmas was nice, I had the kids for most of it as X doesn't like Christmas - this year she told our ten year old that Father Christmas isn't real!
Speaking of X, she's met someone and seems happy. Her erratic behaviour has calmed down a bit but now she wants to introduce him to the kids. Her reasoning is that "if we bump into him, I don't want to lie to them". The mind boggles - the irony of her not wanting to lie about relationships is brilliant. Plus, we had agreed (at her absolute insistence) that we wouldn't let anyone new meet the kids until the youngest was settled in high school (which will be later this year). Surprisingly, that only seems to have applied to me when I was seeing someone and now that it suits her she wants to introduce him now.
I don't think this is a great idea as my son is still sensitive around the subject and the move from primary school to high school will be tricky anyway. However, I don't suppose I'll ever be thrilled at the prospect of someone else being around my kids (especially with X's decision making) and she will do what she wants anyway.
She actually got me to take a week off work recently as she had to go on a residential training course with her new job and her Mum couldn't have the kids on her days. I took the week off, looked after the kids (which I'm fine with of course - I love having them), then brilliantly her Dad told me she had gone to Spain for the week with her new bloke...a "training course" of sorts I suppose :-). I shouldn't be surprised with her lies and manipulation but it still catches me off guard sometimes. I hope he's a good guy and is a good influence on her and the kids, he's got his work cut out.
There is an upside though, which is now that new bloke is around she's kicked off the divorce - she has filed the papers and everything (I've seen them). This is something she previously fought against so I was quite surprised when she did it. In a few months we'll be divorced which although it won't really make any difference, I'll feel a lot better.
My own love life has been non-existent since I ended a relationship late last year. I've been completely off the market voluntarily. I was seeing someone for most of the year but it made me realise that I don't really have time for a "proper" relationship (weekends and the odd weekday suited me fine), nor if I'm honest do I have the inclination. I seem to attract high-maintenance types and my tolerance for unreasonable behaviour is shot. When we split she accused me of being emotionally unavailable and I think that's true to an extent. I never introduced her to any of my friends or family, never told her I loved her (I probably didn't) and although I put in some effort, I knew deep down it wasn't going to work.
I would love to meet someone who will make me see the world differently but I'm pretty cynical about my chances. I don't put myself in the position now and I quite often actively remove myself from it. I suppose my head isn't yet where it needs to be and I don't have a lot of time to get it there. This is probably normal, I don't know.
I'm glad to have come through this in one piece though, and I hope everyone else in a similar boat is doing well. I've got to run now but will be back online later.
It's an interesting time now - nearly three years since I started to have suspicions and it feels like a lifetime ago. I can barely remember what my previous life was like.
The kids are doing OK - the eldest has a bit of anxiety but we're dealing with it and the school have been good. Academically they are both doing well and they are good, pleasant kids. I work very hard at this, I feel like it's my main purpose in life now. It always should have been.
Christmas was nice, I had the kids for most of it as X doesn't like Christmas - this year she told our ten year old that Father Christmas isn't real!
Speaking of X, she's met someone and seems happy. Her erratic behaviour has calmed down a bit but now she wants to introduce him to the kids. Her reasoning is that "if we bump into him, I don't want to lie to them". The mind boggles - the irony of her not wanting to lie about relationships is brilliant. Plus, we had agreed (at her absolute insistence) that we wouldn't let anyone new meet the kids until the youngest was settled in high school (which will be later this year). Surprisingly, that only seems to have applied to me when I was seeing someone and now that it suits her she wants to introduce him now.
I don't think this is a great idea as my son is still sensitive around the subject and the move from primary school to high school will be tricky anyway. However, I don't suppose I'll ever be thrilled at the prospect of someone else being around my kids (especially with X's decision making) and she will do what she wants anyway.
She actually got me to take a week off work recently as she had to go on a residential training course with her new job and her Mum couldn't have the kids on her days. I took the week off, looked after the kids (which I'm fine with of course - I love having them), then brilliantly her Dad told me she had gone to Spain for the week with her new bloke...a "training course" of sorts I suppose :-). I shouldn't be surprised with her lies and manipulation but it still catches me off guard sometimes. I hope he's a good guy and is a good influence on her and the kids, he's got his work cut out.
There is an upside though, which is now that new bloke is around she's kicked off the divorce - she has filed the papers and everything (I've seen them). This is something she previously fought against so I was quite surprised when she did it. In a few months we'll be divorced which although it won't really make any difference, I'll feel a lot better.
My own love life has been non-existent since I ended a relationship late last year. I've been completely off the market voluntarily. I was seeing someone for most of the year but it made me realise that I don't really have time for a "proper" relationship (weekends and the odd weekday suited me fine), nor if I'm honest do I have the inclination. I seem to attract high-maintenance types and my tolerance for unreasonable behaviour is shot. When we split she accused me of being emotionally unavailable and I think that's true to an extent. I never introduced her to any of my friends or family, never told her I loved her (I probably didn't) and although I put in some effort, I knew deep down it wasn't going to work.
I would love to meet someone who will make me see the world differently but I'm pretty cynical about my chances. I don't put myself in the position now and I quite often actively remove myself from it. I suppose my head isn't yet where it needs to be and I don't have a lot of time to get it there. This is probably normal, I don't know.
I'm glad to have come through this in one piece though, and I hope everyone else in a similar boat is doing well. I've got to run now but will be back online later.
Thanks for taking the time to give us such a comprehensive update ABD. Sounds like you're still a bit damaged from the whole experience, which is entirely understandable, you wouldn't be the person you are if you weren't. You'll probably find that perfect match when you least expect it. In the meantime, relish the freedom you've got and use it to do the stuff you'd probably never be able to do if you weren't single. All the very best to you. 
Thank you.
Ironically I've been out this evening at a sports event and been asked out on a date at the weekend. I surprised myself by saying yes, so we'll see how it goes :-).
I'm now really glad I've got my diet/fitness and wardrobe in order - I've learned a lot from the Match thread!
Ironically I've been out this evening at a sports event and been asked out on a date at the weekend. I surprised myself by saying yes, so we'll see how it goes :-).
I'm now really glad I've got my diet/fitness and wardrobe in order - I've learned a lot from the Match thread!
A bit down said:
Thank you.
Ironically I've been out this evening at a sports event and been asked out on a date at the weekend. I surprised myself by saying yes, so we'll see how it goes :-).
I'm now really glad I've got my diet/fitness and wardrobe in order - I've learned a lot from the Match thread!
Lol excellent news. Feels good to be asked out by a woman. Real confidence boost.Ironically I've been out this evening at a sports event and been asked out on a date at the weekend. I surprised myself by saying yes, so we'll see how it goes :-).
I'm now really glad I've got my diet/fitness and wardrobe in order - I've learned a lot from the Match thread!
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