Has anyone used a private detective?
Discussion
Tango13 said:
You b
d!! You could've put a spoiler on that little bit of information! You've totally fked my Christmases now 
Tango13 (Aged 43yrs & 2 weeks)
Hey, I'm not saying I believe that. After all someone must get and wrap the presents, sneak around putting them out, leave carrots/cookies/footprints, etc. It must be him.d!! You could've put a spoiler on that little bit of information! You've totally fked my Christmases now Tango13 (Aged 43yrs & 2 weeks)
I agree with the "damaged" bit above. I've tried hard to be even handed and positive but I think it's hard not to have it change you. Just need to accept it and move on, which I'm largely doing - just letting it shape me a bit I suppose.
I'll report back on how the date goes :-)
This has been a very informative thread for me as I went through the same thing 18 months ago. It is strange reading some of your posts as they could have almost been written by me. The most telling part of your update is her lying to you about having a training course when in actual fact she went away on holiday with her boyfriend for a week! It was only after we split that I realised how lying and manipulative my ex is, and to this day she is still pulling the same tricks. Like you, I am totally wise to it all now, but it also catches me off guard occasionally. Plus, I find it exhausting and a total waste of energy to have to second guess her on every little thing she does and says.
She too found a new guy, but 6 months after we split up. I have not met him but the children think he is OK and that is the main thing as far as I am concerned.
After we split, I filed for divorce and my Decree Nisi is going before the judge on Friday. All being well, the Decree Absolute should be granted 6 weeks later. We still have to sort out all the finances, but being divorced is one major hurdle out of the way.
Strangely enough, a couple of months ago my ex messaged me hinting that she had made a massive mistake and that she hoped we would get back together one day. At this point, your statement about your ex not suddenly realising what a great guy you are, but in reality not liking living in the real world sprung to mind. It also made me realise that she has not changed at all, as she is clearly stringing her new boyfriend along in the hope someone better comes along.
Do you think your ex has filed for divorce because she is thinking she might want to marry this guy? Poor decision making seems to be a very common theme in women in these situations.
I think being cynical is a totally natural thing to be, and I know I am exactly the same. I used online dating a lot for about about 9 months and met a lot of women who seemed to be exactly like my ex in a lot of ways. I wonder if this is a common trait for women in their late 30s/early 40s?
Also, as soon as I see a post on any forum where a guy talks about his wife's suspicious behaviour, I know exactly how it is going to pan out!
She too found a new guy, but 6 months after we split up. I have not met him but the children think he is OK and that is the main thing as far as I am concerned.
After we split, I filed for divorce and my Decree Nisi is going before the judge on Friday. All being well, the Decree Absolute should be granted 6 weeks later. We still have to sort out all the finances, but being divorced is one major hurdle out of the way.
Strangely enough, a couple of months ago my ex messaged me hinting that she had made a massive mistake and that she hoped we would get back together one day. At this point, your statement about your ex not suddenly realising what a great guy you are, but in reality not liking living in the real world sprung to mind. It also made me realise that she has not changed at all, as she is clearly stringing her new boyfriend along in the hope someone better comes along.
Do you think your ex has filed for divorce because she is thinking she might want to marry this guy? Poor decision making seems to be a very common theme in women in these situations.
I think being cynical is a totally natural thing to be, and I know I am exactly the same. I used online dating a lot for about about 9 months and met a lot of women who seemed to be exactly like my ex in a lot of ways. I wonder if this is a common trait for women in their late 30s/early 40s?
Also, as soon as I see a post on any forum where a guy talks about his wife's suspicious behaviour, I know exactly how it is going to pan out!
Thanks for the post.
Yes, it's amazing how many stories go the same way with "she promises me there's no-one else involved...". I'm sure that's true for both sexes, we just get the male-oriented view on PH. You really feel for the guys at the beginning of the process though.
I don't know whether she wants to marry the new guy although it wouldn't surprise me as she certainly hasn't liked dealing with the world by herself. I really don't like the thought of a stranger becoming involved in my children's upbringing but it's not something I can control so I just have to accept it.
The lying and manipulation almost seems like second nature now - it's almost as though she has constructed some sort of reality where it's normal and OK to behave like that, as if she "deserves to be happy, whatever the cost to others". I'm not sure it's quite that bad but it doesn't feel far off. Like you, I experienced a lot of this behaviour over a period of online dating and it didn't do much to ease my cynicism. I hope you are right about it being an age/stage of life thing because it has made me very suspicious of almost everyone and their motives. It feels like there are very few left who will actually treat others as they would want to be treated themselves. One thing I did notice is that quite a few of them talked a good game but when circumstances arose where they had to actually do something, the true colours came through. I won't be specific but it really opened my eyes.
I hope your divorce goes through OK and that things work out for you, and thanks for sharing your experience - it's always strangely comforting to know that I'm not the only one.
Yes, it's amazing how many stories go the same way with "she promises me there's no-one else involved...". I'm sure that's true for both sexes, we just get the male-oriented view on PH. You really feel for the guys at the beginning of the process though.
I don't know whether she wants to marry the new guy although it wouldn't surprise me as she certainly hasn't liked dealing with the world by herself. I really don't like the thought of a stranger becoming involved in my children's upbringing but it's not something I can control so I just have to accept it.
The lying and manipulation almost seems like second nature now - it's almost as though she has constructed some sort of reality where it's normal and OK to behave like that, as if she "deserves to be happy, whatever the cost to others". I'm not sure it's quite that bad but it doesn't feel far off. Like you, I experienced a lot of this behaviour over a period of online dating and it didn't do much to ease my cynicism. I hope you are right about it being an age/stage of life thing because it has made me very suspicious of almost everyone and their motives. It feels like there are very few left who will actually treat others as they would want to be treated themselves. One thing I did notice is that quite a few of them talked a good game but when circumstances arose where they had to actually do something, the true colours came through. I won't be specific but it really opened my eyes.
I hope your divorce goes through OK and that things work out for you, and thanks for sharing your experience - it's always strangely comforting to know that I'm not the only one.
Joey Deacon said:
I think being cynical is a totally natural thing to be, and I know I am exactly the same. I used online dating a lot for about about 9 months and met a lot of women who seemed to be exactly like my ex in a lot of ways. I wonder if this is a common trait for women in their late 30s/early 40s?
It certainly is. I strongly recommend you read this book, it's a real eye-opener: http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/B00FK901R8/ref=mp_...mikefacel said:
It certainly is. I strongly recommend you read this book, it's a real eye-opener: http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/B00FK901R8/ref=mp_...
I have actually read a lot of articles on the Manosphere about Red Pill/Blue Pill theory, and in my opinion it is pretty much spot on. I have found it best to try and keep these theories to myself as discussing them with others just leads to being called bitter and twisted. Hypergamy explains the situation A Bit Down and I (and millions of other decent, married men) find ourselves in. I am guessing that A Bit Down is a decent guy who provided well for his family. His wife got bored, mistoke this for unhappiness and started looking for attention from other men. This became exciting and made her feel alive again, and at this point she mentally left the marriage. You eventually found out, split up and she thought she could now have the exciting life she had been craving. Of course, the grass was not any greener and once the excitement wore off she realised she was in a worse position that she was in before. She now has two options, does she resign herself to a life of being bitter with cats or does she settle for another Beta male. Your wife, like mine has now settled for another Beta provider. The tragic thing is she will still never be happy and has destroyed a family for nothing.
And this, in my opinion is the problem with women on dating websites in their late 30s/early 40s. They still crave the excitement of an Alpha male, but are hoping to land a Beta Provider before it is too late. On their profile they will state they are not into one night stands, but in reality they are more than happy to sleep with you on a first date if they deem you exciting enough. So you end up with a group of women pretending to be something they are not. They are looking for a mug to provide for them, while all the while having sex with any man who comes along that they find exciting. I am sure A Bit Down is smart enough to realise he does not want to be that mug.
There does seem to be an entitlement princess culture in the UK, and women seem to think they deserve a guy to provide for them when they are bringing virtually nothing to the table.
I doubt very much I would ever get married again, I think it is way too risky nowdays. I was 40 years old when I split with my wife, and I left the house with two bin liners of clothes, my laptop and my passport. It is very difficult having to start again at 40 with nothing, and I am certainly not going to run the risk of having to do it all over again.
Also, I look at all my married friends and I realise that this could happen to them at any time. That, for me is a constant worry, although they are all blissfully unaware. Facebook has made this threat much bigger as women can get all the attention they like now without even having to get off the Sofa. Marriage to me is just a constant line of s
t tests, and each failure is just another stone chip away in the creation of the divorce sculpture.Joey Deacon said:
I have actually read a lot of articles on the Manosphere about Red Pill/Blue Pill theory, and in my opinion it is pretty much spot on. I have found it best to try and keep these theories to myself as discussing them with others just leads to being called bitter and twisted.
Hypergamy explains the situation A Bit Down and I (and millions of other decent, married men) find ourselves in. I am guessing that A Bit Down is a decent guy who provided well for his family. His wife got bored, mistoke this for unhappiness and started looking for attention from other men. This became exciting and made her feel alive again, and at this point she mentally left the marriage. You eventually found out, split up and she thought she could now have the exciting life she had been craving. Of course, the grass was not any greener and once the excitement wore off she realised she was in a worse position that she was in before. She now has two options, does she resign herself to a life of being bitter with cats or does she settle for another Beta male. Your wife, like mine has now settled for another Beta provider. The tragic thing is she will still never be happy and has destroyed a family for nothing.
And this, in my opinion is the problem with women on dating websites in their late 30s/early 40s. They still crave the excitement of an Alpha male, but are hoping to land a Beta Provider before it is too late. On their profile they will state they are not into one night stands, but in reality they are more than happy to sleep with you on a first date if they deem you exciting enough. So you end up with a group of women pretending to be something they are not. They are looking for a mug to provide for them, while all the while having sex with any man who comes along that they find exciting. I am sure A Bit Down is smart enough to realise he does not want to be that mug.
There does seem to be an entitlement princess culture in the UK, and women seem to think they deserve a guy to provide for them when they are bringing virtually nothing to the table.
I doubt very much I would ever get married again, I think it is way too risky nowdays. I was 40 years old when I split with my wife, and I left the house with two bin liners of clothes, my laptop and my passport. It is very difficult having to start again at 40 with nothing, and I am certainly not going to run the risk of having to do it all over again.
Also, I look at all my married friends and I realise that this could happen to them at any time. That, for me is a constant worry, although they are all blissfully unaware. Facebook has made this threat much bigger as women can get all the attention they like now without even having to get off the Sofa. Marriage to me is just a constant line of st tests, and each failure is just another stone chip away in the creation of the divorce sculpture.
One of the best, and at the same time saddest, posts on the thread... Hypergamy explains the situation A Bit Down and I (and millions of other decent, married men) find ourselves in. I am guessing that A Bit Down is a decent guy who provided well for his family. His wife got bored, mistoke this for unhappiness and started looking for attention from other men. This became exciting and made her feel alive again, and at this point she mentally left the marriage. You eventually found out, split up and she thought she could now have the exciting life she had been craving. Of course, the grass was not any greener and once the excitement wore off she realised she was in a worse position that she was in before. She now has two options, does she resign herself to a life of being bitter with cats or does she settle for another Beta male. Your wife, like mine has now settled for another Beta provider. The tragic thing is she will still never be happy and has destroyed a family for nothing.
And this, in my opinion is the problem with women on dating websites in their late 30s/early 40s. They still crave the excitement of an Alpha male, but are hoping to land a Beta Provider before it is too late. On their profile they will state they are not into one night stands, but in reality they are more than happy to sleep with you on a first date if they deem you exciting enough. So you end up with a group of women pretending to be something they are not. They are looking for a mug to provide for them, while all the while having sex with any man who comes along that they find exciting. I am sure A Bit Down is smart enough to realise he does not want to be that mug.
There does seem to be an entitlement princess culture in the UK, and women seem to think they deserve a guy to provide for them when they are bringing virtually nothing to the table.
I doubt very much I would ever get married again, I think it is way too risky nowdays. I was 40 years old when I split with my wife, and I left the house with two bin liners of clothes, my laptop and my passport. It is very difficult having to start again at 40 with nothing, and I am certainly not going to run the risk of having to do it all over again.
Also, I look at all my married friends and I realise that this could happen to them at any time. That, for me is a constant worry, although they are all blissfully unaware. Facebook has made this threat much bigger as women can get all the attention they like now without even having to get off the Sofa. Marriage to me is just a constant line of s
t tests, and each failure is just another stone chip away in the creation of the divorce sculpture.
Joey Deacon said:
I doubt very much I would ever get married again, I think it is way too risky nowdays.
This reminded me of someone I know who said this and in his and your situation I can see how you'd become disillusioned with marriage.I've lost a lot of respect for what was a good mate of mine, who at knocking on 38 has been engaged 3 times and married once. Repeats a pattern of splitting up with his partner being jack the lad for a fortnight and then falling for literally the first thing that comes along. He's since got engaged again and fathered a child to the same girl all within <12 months of leaving splitting from his now ex wife who was having an affair. The guy has serious issues........
Joey Deacon said:
Also, I look at all my married friends and I realise that this could happen to them at any time. That, for me is a constant worry, although they are all blissfully unaware.
Maybe they're just happy? Most marriages still go the distance after all. I appreciate why your experience may have embittered you a little, but it isn't a good idea to project your fears on other people.Joey Deacon said:
And this, in my opinion is the problem with women on dating websites in their late 30s/early 40s. They still crave the excitement of an Alpha male, but are hoping to land a Beta Provider before it is too late. On their profile they will state they are not into one night stands, but in reality they are more than happy to sleep with you on a first date if they deem you exciting enough. So you end up with a group of women pretending to be something they are not. They are looking for a mug to provide for them, while all the while having sex with any man who comes along that they find exciting. I am sure A Bit Down is smart enough to realise he does not want to be that mug.
There does seem to be an entitlement princess culture in the UK, and women seem to think they deserve a guy to provide for them when they are bringing virtually nothing to the table.
My ex (coming up to 30) is exactly the picture above. Focussing on diets and getting in shape and scoffs when I say ambition is a much better trait. Unfortunately the increasing age and desire for marriage and babies means she looks for guys with good jobs (sleeps with them shortly afterwards) and then gets surprised that they don't hang around.There does seem to be an entitlement princess culture in the UK, and women seem to think they deserve a guy to provide for them when they are bringing virtually nothing to the table.
Bluebarge said:
Joey Deacon said:
Also, I look at all my married friends and I realise that this could happen to them at any time. That, for me is a constant worry, although they are all blissfully unaware.
Maybe they're just happy? Most marriages still go the distance after all. I appreciate why your experience may have embittered you a little, but it isn't a good idea to project your fears on other people.Reading for the embittered, or naive, depending on your point of view:
http://www.ons.gov.uk/ons/rel/vsob1/divorces-in-en...
I'm just glad I had 2 serious relationships before my current one, what I thought was love wasn't love, but now I'm confident I am with "the one". I think the pressure of getting married and starting a family makes people make far too many compromises in relationships. I am now engaged to a girl I know is perfect for me and the only concession I make to her is that I wipe the toilet seat if I've pissed on it. I'm sure she window shops, I do the same, but that's as far as it goes.
I wonder how many middle aged "menopause madness" divorcees go on to a happy relationship with a new partner?
Most seem to go crazy for a while then end up with someone no better looking/richer/interesting than the hapless husband they dumped. Plus, having to deal with the debris of the wrecked marriage, awkward social meetings, lowered income, upset offspring, ruined Christmas, birthdays, weddings, funerals etc.
How many actually find the grass greener on the other side, not many I would wager.
Not saying blokes are any better but getting a convertible and trawling Ebay for Harleys seems a lot more practical than destroying a marriage and turning everyones' life upside down because the kids have left home.
Most seem to go crazy for a while then end up with someone no better looking/richer/interesting than the hapless husband they dumped. Plus, having to deal with the debris of the wrecked marriage, awkward social meetings, lowered income, upset offspring, ruined Christmas, birthdays, weddings, funerals etc.
How many actually find the grass greener on the other side, not many I would wager.
Not saying blokes are any better but getting a convertible and trawling Ebay for Harleys seems a lot more practical than destroying a marriage and turning everyones' life upside down because the kids have left home.
Oakey said:
Won't be long before you resort to dogging and swinging to keep things exciting, eh?
I think Paul Ross's reported experiences are a sober tale to those looking to add a bit of spice to middle age when things get a bit stale in marriege:http://www.mirror.co.uk/3am/celebrity-news/married...
fair play to Mrs Ross for "sticking by him", but wonder how long for.
prand said:
Oakey said:
Won't be long before you resort to dogging and swinging to keep things exciting, eh?
I think Paul Ross's reported experiences are a sober tale to those looking to add a bit of spice to middle age when things get a bit stale in marriege:http://www.mirror.co.uk/3am/celebrity-news/married...
fair play to Mrs Ross for "sticking by him", but wonder how long for.
wife said:
I feel the sex was part of the mephedrone package, I don’t see it as a gay relationship, I see it as part of the drugs.
Yes love, it's widely known a line or two of methodrone can cause men to play hide the sauasage with each other 
The stuff is about as addictive as poking yourself in the eye with a rusty spoon which smells of cat piss. Back in my day at least celebs did 'proper' drugs.
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