Has anyone used a private detective?
Discussion
OK then..... :-)
I mentioned a few days ago that I had been treated as an "orbiter" but hadn't recognised it. This is a woman I have been out with a couple of times over a fairly long period and the actual dates went very well but she was flaky and elusive in between. I had largely moved on but in the interests of science I sent her a text last night that was a bit more "Alpha". No chest beating, just asked how it was going and mentioned that I'd been approached about an interesting new job and that I had a couple of dates lined up for the weekend (both true but more by accident than design). Not stuff I'd normally discuss with her but I thought I'd test the water around the hypergamy "female competition" theory.
Ten minutes later I had a text back of "been meaning to catch up with you for ages, are you free next weekend?". Unbelievable. I feel like a horrible fraud but will of course now continue with the experiment. Has anyone got any fake tribal tattoos and orange paint I can borrow before next weekend?
I mentioned a few days ago that I had been treated as an "orbiter" but hadn't recognised it. This is a woman I have been out with a couple of times over a fairly long period and the actual dates went very well but she was flaky and elusive in between. I had largely moved on but in the interests of science I sent her a text last night that was a bit more "Alpha". No chest beating, just asked how it was going and mentioned that I'd been approached about an interesting new job and that I had a couple of dates lined up for the weekend (both true but more by accident than design). Not stuff I'd normally discuss with her but I thought I'd test the water around the hypergamy "female competition" theory.
Ten minutes later I had a text back of "been meaning to catch up with you for ages, are you free next weekend?". Unbelievable. I feel like a horrible fraud but will of course now continue with the experiment. Has anyone got any fake tribal tattoos and orange paint I can borrow before next weekend?
A bit down said:
OK then..... :-)
I mentioned a few days ago that I had been treated as an "orbiter" but hadn't recognised it. This is a woman I have been out with a couple of times over a fairly long period and the actual dates went very well but she was flaky and elusive in between. I had largely moved on but in the interests of science I sent her a text last night that was a bit more "Alpha". No chest beating, just asked how it was going and mentioned that I'd been approached about an interesting new job and that I had a couple of dates lined up for the weekend (both true but more by accident than design). Not stuff I'd normally discuss with her but I thought I'd test the water around the hypergamy "female competition" theory.
Ten minutes later I had a text back of "been meaning to catch up with you for ages, are you free next weekend?". Unbelievable. I feel like a horrible fraud but will of course now continue with the experiment. Has anyone got any fake tribal tattoos and orange paint I can borrow before next weekend?
I got severely berated for this by a naive poster in the online dating thread, but that's how they work. I did exactly the same thing recently and it worked a treat. Took me a long time to work it out mind. You have to tell yourself that it's just a flirting technique - women mess blokes around too, and are never completely honest in the early stages (eg. most women online over 40 lie about their age). Same for blokes (eg. exaggerating about how much they earn). This is not a bad thing in the early stages - it's a game after all. But if you're a really honest, "nice" chap it's hard to do.I mentioned a few days ago that I had been treated as an "orbiter" but hadn't recognised it. This is a woman I have been out with a couple of times over a fairly long period and the actual dates went very well but she was flaky and elusive in between. I had largely moved on but in the interests of science I sent her a text last night that was a bit more "Alpha". No chest beating, just asked how it was going and mentioned that I'd been approached about an interesting new job and that I had a couple of dates lined up for the weekend (both true but more by accident than design). Not stuff I'd normally discuss with her but I thought I'd test the water around the hypergamy "female competition" theory.
Ten minutes later I had a text back of "been meaning to catch up with you for ages, are you free next weekend?". Unbelievable. I feel like a horrible fraud but will of course now continue with the experiment. Has anyone got any fake tribal tattoos and orange paint I can borrow before next weekend?
IMO, the best thing to do is as you said yourself in a previous post - be happy in yourself, do the things you like to do. And if a woman wants to she's welcome to join you. The reality is, they're attracted to those sorts of guys, and not the sort who do what they tell them to do. Also, even if it doesn't work out, at least you're happy anyway! (and that's why I've just bought an MX5!!).
Anyroad, good to see you're moving things on mate!
Well, I started reading this thread about 8pm, and I've just got to the end. I only read about 20% too, I haven't been that engulfed by a PH thread for ages!
Anyway, it's rare that when these grown up threads come up that I have anything to contribute, so here goes. Around 12 years ago, when I was 10/11 my parents went through a similar thing from what I remember. My dad went to buy my mum a Vauxhall Tigra, I went with him, and the purchase never happened. I asked why a few days later, and he told me that Mum had decided to get a new boyfriend. I didn't really know what that meant at the time, or whether or not we would be getting the new car, but the years to follow weren't the best. They decided to keep it together, I remember mum saying this was for myself and my sister (2 years older), though she never went in to what happened of course. I don't think this was a good move by my mum. I don't recall her exact wording but hearing something along the lines of "we don't love each other but are going to wait 'til you're older to split up" was pretty s
t. My mum isn't a bad person, very far from it, just not the best with words. I think my dad did well to keep it together, but there is part of me that wishes he wouldn't have. Family activity was pretty much extinct since, with regard to holidays etc. My mum goes to bed at 9pm-ish, and dad spends every night in front of the TV asleep until around 1am then goes to bed. He's done this for as long as I remember, but I don't recall this never not happening. It might sound like an odd thing to note but I don't think they've ever gone to bed at the same time since. It's pretty annoying having my girlfriend round knowing my mum is in the next room trying to sleep at 9pm I tell you that (I still live at home if you hadn't guessed). I almost thought their behavior was normal until I met my girlfriends parents, who do many things together at any given opportunity, go to bed at the same time etc. I can't help but think they (my parents) have wasted 10 years of their lives clutching on to something that died a long time ago. They don't argue anymore, but they don't really speak to each other all that much. That said, my dad doesn't really speak to anyone bar his friends, I might have to make another thread about that.
Anyway, I only post this as I was at a similar age then as your kids were when this started. There is no doubting that it caused a great deal of sadness at the time, and hearing them argue for the following years was tough. I'd escape it as much as I could, yet I still heard way too much. As a child you think that things can just go back to normal, not really understanding the seriousness of what happened. When you said about your son being fine for a few weeks, then out of the blue asking why you weren't together with X, I can relate to feeling that way. I don't think it has affected me as a person or changed who I am, but my home was never one I wanted to spend any time in, or for my friends to come to through fear of them feeling the tension, seeing the arguments etc.
Cannot agree more with the guy above too, until he mentioned buying an MX5.
Anyway, it's rare that when these grown up threads come up that I have anything to contribute, so here goes. Around 12 years ago, when I was 10/11 my parents went through a similar thing from what I remember. My dad went to buy my mum a Vauxhall Tigra, I went with him, and the purchase never happened. I asked why a few days later, and he told me that Mum had decided to get a new boyfriend. I didn't really know what that meant at the time, or whether or not we would be getting the new car, but the years to follow weren't the best. They decided to keep it together, I remember mum saying this was for myself and my sister (2 years older), though she never went in to what happened of course. I don't think this was a good move by my mum. I don't recall her exact wording but hearing something along the lines of "we don't love each other but are going to wait 'til you're older to split up" was pretty s
t. My mum isn't a bad person, very far from it, just not the best with words. I think my dad did well to keep it together, but there is part of me that wishes he wouldn't have. Family activity was pretty much extinct since, with regard to holidays etc. My mum goes to bed at 9pm-ish, and dad spends every night in front of the TV asleep until around 1am then goes to bed. He's done this for as long as I remember, but I don't recall this never not happening. It might sound like an odd thing to note but I don't think they've ever gone to bed at the same time since. It's pretty annoying having my girlfriend round knowing my mum is in the next room trying to sleep at 9pm I tell you that (I still live at home if you hadn't guessed). I almost thought their behavior was normal until I met my girlfriends parents, who do many things together at any given opportunity, go to bed at the same time etc. I can't help but think they (my parents) have wasted 10 years of their lives clutching on to something that died a long time ago. They don't argue anymore, but they don't really speak to each other all that much. That said, my dad doesn't really speak to anyone bar his friends, I might have to make another thread about that. Anyway, I only post this as I was at a similar age then as your kids were when this started. There is no doubting that it caused a great deal of sadness at the time, and hearing them argue for the following years was tough. I'd escape it as much as I could, yet I still heard way too much. As a child you think that things can just go back to normal, not really understanding the seriousness of what happened. When you said about your son being fine for a few weeks, then out of the blue asking why you weren't together with X, I can relate to feeling that way. I don't think it has affected me as a person or changed who I am, but my home was never one I wanted to spend any time in, or for my friends to come to through fear of them feeling the tension, seeing the arguments etc.
Cannot agree more with the guy above too, until he mentioned buying an MX5.
DanielJames said:
Well, I started reading this thread about 8pm, and I've just got to the end. I only read about 20% too, I haven't been that engulfed by a PH thread for ages!
Anyway, it's rare that when these grown up threads come up that I have anything to contribute, so here goes. Around 12 years ago, when I was 10/11 my parents went through a similar thing from what I remember. My dad went to buy my mum a Vauxhall Tigra, I went with him, and the purchase never happened. I asked why a few days later, and he told me that Mum had decided to get a new boyfriend. I didn't really know what that meant at the time, or whether or not we would be getting the new car, but the years to follow weren't the best. They decided to keep it together, I remember mum saying this was for myself and my sister (2 years older), though she never went in to what happened of course. I don't think this was a good move by my mum. I don't recall her exact wording but hearing something along the lines of "we don't love each other but are going to wait 'til you're older to split up" was pretty st. My mum isn't a bad person, very far from it, just not the best with words. I think my dad did well to keep it together, but there is part of me that wishes he wouldn't have. Family activity was pretty much extinct since, with regard to holidays etc. My mum goes to bed at 9pm-ish, and dad spends every night in front of the TV asleep until around 1am then goes to bed. He's done this for as long as I remember, but I don't recall this never not happening. It might sound like an odd thing to note but I don't think they've ever gone to bed at th same time since. It's pretty annoying having my girlfriend round knowing my mum is in the next room trying to sleep at 9pm I tell you that (I still live at home if you hadn't guessed). I almost thought their behavior was normal until I met my girlfriends parents, who do many things together at any given opportunity, go to bed at the same time etc. I can't help but think they (my parents) have wasted 10 years of their lives clutching on to something that died a long time ago. They don't argue anymore, but they don't really speak to each other all that much. That said, my dad doesn't really speak to anyone bar his friends, I might have to make another thread about that.
Anyway, I only post this as I was at a similar age then as your kids were when this started. There is no doubting that it caused a great deal of sadness at the time, and hearing them argue for the following years was tough. I'd escape it as much as I could, yet I still heard way too much. As a child you think that things can just go back to normal, not really understanding the seriousness of what happened. When you said about your son being fine for a few weeks, then out of the blue asking why you weren't together with X, I can relate to feeling that way. I don't think it has affected me as a person or changed who I am, but my home was never one I wanted to spend any time in, or for my friends to come to through fear of them feeling the tension, seeing the arguments etc.
Cannot agree more with the guy above too, until he mentioned buying an MX5.
I wonder then, if you look back to that time, although I'm sure you would have had a very different viewpoint then, do you think it would have been better for you (and any siblings?) if they did split up, as painful as it would have been then?Anyway, it's rare that when these grown up threads come up that I have anything to contribute, so here goes. Around 12 years ago, when I was 10/11 my parents went through a similar thing from what I remember. My dad went to buy my mum a Vauxhall Tigra, I went with him, and the purchase never happened. I asked why a few days later, and he told me that Mum had decided to get a new boyfriend. I didn't really know what that meant at the time, or whether or not we would be getting the new car, but the years to follow weren't the best. They decided to keep it together, I remember mum saying this was for myself and my sister (2 years older), though she never went in to what happened of course. I don't think this was a good move by my mum. I don't recall her exact wording but hearing something along the lines of "we don't love each other but are going to wait 'til you're older to split up" was pretty s
t. My mum isn't a bad person, very far from it, just not the best with words. I think my dad did well to keep it together, but there is part of me that wishes he wouldn't have. Family activity was pretty much extinct since, with regard to holidays etc. My mum goes to bed at 9pm-ish, and dad spends every night in front of the TV asleep until around 1am then goes to bed. He's done this for as long as I remember, but I don't recall this never not happening. It might sound like an odd thing to note but I don't think they've ever gone to bed at th same time since. It's pretty annoying having my girlfriend round knowing my mum is in the next room trying to sleep at 9pm I tell you that (I still live at home if you hadn't guessed). I almost thought their behavior was normal until I met my girlfriends parents, who do many things together at any given opportunity, go to bed at the same time etc. I can't help but think they (my parents) have wasted 10 years of their lives clutching on to something that died a long time ago. They don't argue anymore, but they don't really speak to each other all that much. That said, my dad doesn't really speak to anyone bar his friends, I might have to make another thread about that. Anyway, I only post this as I was at a similar age then as your kids were when this started. There is no doubting that it caused a great deal of sadness at the time, and hearing them argue for the following years was tough. I'd escape it as much as I could, yet I still heard way too much. As a child you think that things can just go back to normal, not really understanding the seriousness of what happened. When you said about your son being fine for a few weeks, then out of the blue asking why you weren't together with X, I can relate to feeling that way. I don't think it has affected me as a person or changed who I am, but my home was never one I wanted to spend any time in, or for my friends to come to through fear of them feeling the tension, seeing the arguments etc.
Cannot agree more with the guy above too, until he mentioned buying an MX5.
. Picked it up today 
DanielJames said:
Well, I started reading this thread about 8pm, and I've just got to the end. I only read about 20% too, I haven't been that engulfed by a PH thread for ages!
Anyway, it's rare that when these grown up threads come up that I have anything to contribute, so here goes. Around 12 years ago, when I was 10/11 my parents went through a similar thing from what I remember. My dad went to buy my mum a Vauxhall Tigra, I went with him, and the purchase never happened. I asked why a few days later, and he told me that Mum had decided to get a new boyfriend. I didn't really know what that meant at the time, or whether or not we would be getting the new car, but the years to follow weren't the best. They decided to keep it together, I remember mum saying this was for myself and my sister (2 years older), though she never went in to what happened of course. I don't think this was a good move by my mum. I don't recall her exact wording but hearing something along the lines of "we don't love each other but are going to wait 'til you're older to split up" was pretty st. My mum isn't a bad person, very far from it, just not the best with words. I think my dad did well to keep it together, but there is part of me that wishes he wouldn't have. Family activity was pretty much extinct since, with regard to holidays etc. My mum goes to bed at 9pm-ish, and dad spends every night in front of the TV asleep until around 1am then goes to bed. He's done this for as long as I remember, but I don't recall this never not happening. It might sound like an odd thing to note but I don't think they've ever gone to bed at the same time since. It's pretty annoying having my girlfriend round knowing my mum is in the next room trying to sleep at 9pm I tell you that (I still live at home if you hadn't guessed). I almost thought their behavior was normal until I met my girlfriends parents, who do many things together at any given opportunity, go to bed at the same time etc. I can't help but think they (my parents) have wasted 10 years of their lives clutching on to something that died a long time ago. They don't argue anymore, but they don't really speak to each other all that much. That said, my dad doesn't really speak to anyone bar his friends, I might have to make another thread about that.
Anyway, I only post this as I was at a similar age then as your kids were when this started. There is no doubting that it caused a great deal of sadness at the time, and hearing them argue for the following years was tough. I'd escape it as much as I could, yet I still heard way too much. As a child you think that things can just go back to normal, not really understanding the seriousness of what happened. When you said about your son being fine for a few weeks, then out of the blue asking why you weren't together with X, I can relate to feeling that way. I don't think it has affected me as a person or changed who I am, but my home was never one I wanted to spend any time in, or for my friends to come to through fear of them feeling the tension, seeing the arguments etc.
Cannot agree more with the guy above too, until he mentioned buying an MX5.
Out of interest, why are they still together now that you're 22/23? Anyway, it's rare that when these grown up threads come up that I have anything to contribute, so here goes. Around 12 years ago, when I was 10/11 my parents went through a similar thing from what I remember. My dad went to buy my mum a Vauxhall Tigra, I went with him, and the purchase never happened. I asked why a few days later, and he told me that Mum had decided to get a new boyfriend. I didn't really know what that meant at the time, or whether or not we would be getting the new car, but the years to follow weren't the best. They decided to keep it together, I remember mum saying this was for myself and my sister (2 years older), though she never went in to what happened of course. I don't think this was a good move by my mum. I don't recall her exact wording but hearing something along the lines of "we don't love each other but are going to wait 'til you're older to split up" was pretty s
t. My mum isn't a bad person, very far from it, just not the best with words. I think my dad did well to keep it together, but there is part of me that wishes he wouldn't have. Family activity was pretty much extinct since, with regard to holidays etc. My mum goes to bed at 9pm-ish, and dad spends every night in front of the TV asleep until around 1am then goes to bed. He's done this for as long as I remember, but I don't recall this never not happening. It might sound like an odd thing to note but I don't think they've ever gone to bed at the same time since. It's pretty annoying having my girlfriend round knowing my mum is in the next room trying to sleep at 9pm I tell you that (I still live at home if you hadn't guessed). I almost thought their behavior was normal until I met my girlfriends parents, who do many things together at any given opportunity, go to bed at the same time etc. I can't help but think they (my parents) have wasted 10 years of their lives clutching on to something that died a long time ago. They don't argue anymore, but they don't really speak to each other all that much. That said, my dad doesn't really speak to anyone bar his friends, I might have to make another thread about that. Anyway, I only post this as I was at a similar age then as your kids were when this started. There is no doubting that it caused a great deal of sadness at the time, and hearing them argue for the following years was tough. I'd escape it as much as I could, yet I still heard way too much. As a child you think that things can just go back to normal, not really understanding the seriousness of what happened. When you said about your son being fine for a few weeks, then out of the blue asking why you weren't together with X, I can relate to feeling that way. I don't think it has affected me as a person or changed who I am, but my home was never one I wanted to spend any time in, or for my friends to come to through fear of them feeling the tension, seeing the arguments etc.
Cannot agree more with the guy above too, until he mentioned buying an MX5.
Persisting in a loveless marriage when kids are young is naive, persisting in a loveless marriage when the kids are all grown up is just strange.
MissChief said:
I wonder then, if you look back to that time, although I'm sure you would have had a very different viewpoint then, do you think it would have been better for you (and any siblings?) if they did split up, as painful as it would have been then?
I've held the view for a few years now that I thought they could have been happier had they moved on. It would have been hard to deal with at the time sure, but they might be happier now. This view has been strengthened somewhat by reading this thread last night about the men of a similar age to my dad who moved on and found new love. That said, maybe they are happy still being together. Maybe they feel happy knowing they are still together but since growing up I haven't seen another relationship like it!
279 said:
Out of interest, why are they still together now that you're 22/23?
Persisting in a loveless marriage when kids are young is naive, persisting in a loveless marriage when the kids are all grown up is just strange.
They must love each other still, even if they don't show it. I agree, it's strange. I reckon my dad really doesn't give a sPersisting in a loveless marriage when kids are young is naive, persisting in a loveless marriage when the kids are all grown up is just strange.
t either was as long as he's busy at work and can still golf 3/4 times a week. A bit down said:
OK then..... :-)
I mentioned a few days ago that I had been treated as an "orbiter" but hadn't recognised it. This is a woman I have been out with a couple of times over a fairly long period and the actual dates went very well but she was flaky and elusive in between. I had largely moved on but in the interests of science I sent her a text last night that was a bit more "Alpha". No chest beating, just asked how it was going and mentioned that I'd been approached about an interesting new job and that I had a couple of dates lined up for the weekend (both true but more by accident than design). Not stuff I'd normally discuss with her but I thought I'd test the water around the hypergamy "female competition" theory.
Ten minutes later I had a text back of "been meaning to catch up with you for ages, are you free next weekend?". Unbelievable. I feel like a horrible fraud but will of course now continue with the experiment. Has anyone got any fake tribal tattoos and orange paint I can borrow before next weekend?
Has the date happened yet ABD? And the other ones too?I mentioned a few days ago that I had been treated as an "orbiter" but hadn't recognised it. This is a woman I have been out with a couple of times over a fairly long period and the actual dates went very well but she was flaky and elusive in between. I had largely moved on but in the interests of science I sent her a text last night that was a bit more "Alpha". No chest beating, just asked how it was going and mentioned that I'd been approached about an interesting new job and that I had a couple of dates lined up for the weekend (both true but more by accident than design). Not stuff I'd normally discuss with her but I thought I'd test the water around the hypergamy "female competition" theory.
Ten minutes later I had a text back of "been meaning to catch up with you for ages, are you free next weekend?". Unbelievable. I feel like a horrible fraud but will of course now continue with the experiment. Has anyone got any fake tribal tattoos and orange paint I can borrow before next weekend?
MissChief said:
Has the date happened yet ABD? And the other ones too?
It's supposed to be tomorrow night but there are signs of flakiness so we'll see. Will let you know :-)Of the two last weekend I cancelled one as I just didn't fancy it and the other one went OK but I don't think I'll see her again (my choice).
I enjoy the company but I really don't think I want another "relationship" so I'm thinking I'll just set up dates when it suits me and see how things go.
Well at least I'm now tuning in. I could see the flake coming and despite promising to call me on Friday and then yesterday to confirm details for tonight.....not a peep. Despite it being her idea.
Consider me not surprised. Still struggling to see how people think it's OK to just utterly waste other people's time though. Not sure I ever will, but onwards and upwards.
Consider me not surprised. Still struggling to see how people think it's OK to just utterly waste other people's time though. Not sure I ever will, but onwards and upwards.
Hello,
It's three years since X moved out and I feel like I've had some time and space to gain perspective on things. As there are a few people who seem to be in a similar boat (or heading in the same direction) I thought I'd give an update.
My relationship with my kids is brilliant. I couldn't have asked for two better children and although they have their challenges we are really close and can/do talk about anything, as well as doing fun stuff together. My son is at high school now and has settled in fantastically - I'm actually very surprised by how well he has coped with what for him was a big change. With the odd "teenage moment", my daughter is a real pleasure to be around.
X never filed the divorce papers. I have no idea why and she doesn't want to have the discussion - I'm going to have to start again and do it myself. She had been seeing someone for some time and he had got to know the kids - they seem to quite like him which is good. Two weeks ago I think they must have split up as I had a text from X asking to move back in...I declined of course. They now seem to be back together. I don't really have anything to do with her beyond logistics for the kids and that works OK.
My work has suffered over the last three years. Although I had to scale back my responsibilities in order to spend more time with the children (which I don't regret for a second and I still have them for half the week), I'm nowhere near as sharp as I used to be and I often have to force myself to focus. I seem to be tired a lot of the time too, even though my diet is fairly good and I exercise well. I just seem to care less about work. I hope I can turn this around a little as I used to derive a lot of satisfaction from my job.
Relationship-wise I'm a mess. I mentioned earlier in the thread that my tolerance for strange behaviour/histrionics is completely shot. At the first sign of irrational behaviour I'm gone, irrespective of how much I like the person. I also can't bring myself to let anyone into my world and I certainly don't trust anyone. Of perhaps 30 women I've dated one way or another over the last three years I haven't introduced a single one to any of my friends or family, even when I've been part of a "couple". I don't/can't discuss feelings with them at all and I eventually end up breaking it off (ironically the one person I actually really felt like I would like to spend time with long-term was the one who broke up with me...in every other case it's been my decision).
It's now reached the point where I've been "off the market" for months. I thought I just wasn't ready but if anything I'm even less inclined to make the effort now. I do have days when I feel like it would be good to have someone in my life but they are few and far between - I can't picture what a proper relationship would actually be like and it doesn't seem fair to put another person in the position of having to deal with that. I'm sure this isn't healthy and I'm thinking of going back to counselling to try and organise my thoughts a little. Basically I have no idea what I want, or how to get there.
I've made a lot of mistakes in life, made some poor choices and I'm not handling my emotional side well. I'm very much enjoying my time with the kids which is great but I'm not getting much else right.
So there we have it - not very positive but it's how things are. I'd welcome any input from anyone that the above resonates with but even if everyone else is bored now, it always helps me to write it down.
Hope everyone else is doing OK.
It's three years since X moved out and I feel like I've had some time and space to gain perspective on things. As there are a few people who seem to be in a similar boat (or heading in the same direction) I thought I'd give an update.
My relationship with my kids is brilliant. I couldn't have asked for two better children and although they have their challenges we are really close and can/do talk about anything, as well as doing fun stuff together. My son is at high school now and has settled in fantastically - I'm actually very surprised by how well he has coped with what for him was a big change. With the odd "teenage moment", my daughter is a real pleasure to be around.
X never filed the divorce papers. I have no idea why and she doesn't want to have the discussion - I'm going to have to start again and do it myself. She had been seeing someone for some time and he had got to know the kids - they seem to quite like him which is good. Two weeks ago I think they must have split up as I had a text from X asking to move back in...I declined of course. They now seem to be back together. I don't really have anything to do with her beyond logistics for the kids and that works OK.
My work has suffered over the last three years. Although I had to scale back my responsibilities in order to spend more time with the children (which I don't regret for a second and I still have them for half the week), I'm nowhere near as sharp as I used to be and I often have to force myself to focus. I seem to be tired a lot of the time too, even though my diet is fairly good and I exercise well. I just seem to care less about work. I hope I can turn this around a little as I used to derive a lot of satisfaction from my job.
Relationship-wise I'm a mess. I mentioned earlier in the thread that my tolerance for strange behaviour/histrionics is completely shot. At the first sign of irrational behaviour I'm gone, irrespective of how much I like the person. I also can't bring myself to let anyone into my world and I certainly don't trust anyone. Of perhaps 30 women I've dated one way or another over the last three years I haven't introduced a single one to any of my friends or family, even when I've been part of a "couple". I don't/can't discuss feelings with them at all and I eventually end up breaking it off (ironically the one person I actually really felt like I would like to spend time with long-term was the one who broke up with me...in every other case it's been my decision).
It's now reached the point where I've been "off the market" for months. I thought I just wasn't ready but if anything I'm even less inclined to make the effort now. I do have days when I feel like it would be good to have someone in my life but they are few and far between - I can't picture what a proper relationship would actually be like and it doesn't seem fair to put another person in the position of having to deal with that. I'm sure this isn't healthy and I'm thinking of going back to counselling to try and organise my thoughts a little. Basically I have no idea what I want, or how to get there.
I've made a lot of mistakes in life, made some poor choices and I'm not handling my emotional side well. I'm very much enjoying my time with the kids which is great but I'm not getting much else right.
So there we have it - not very positive but it's how things are. I'd welcome any input from anyone that the above resonates with but even if everyone else is bored now, it always helps me to write it down.
Hope everyone else is doing OK.
A bit down said:
Hello,
It's three years since X moved out and I feel like I've had some time and space to gain perspective on things. As there are a few people who seem to be in a similar boat (or heading in the same direction) I thought I'd give an update.
My relationship with my kids is brilliant. I couldn't have asked for two better children and although they have their challenges we are really close and can/do talk about anything, as well as doing fun stuff together. My son is at high school now and has settled in fantastically - I'm actually very surprised by how well he has coped with what for him was a big change. With the odd "teenage moment", my daughter is a real pleasure to be around.
X never filed the divorce papers. I have no idea why and she doesn't want to have the discussion - I'm going to have to start again and do it myself. She had been seeing someone for some time and he had got to know the kids - they seem to quite like him which is good. Two weeks ago I think they must have split up as I had a text from X asking to move back in...I declined of course. They now seem to be back together. I don't really have anything to do with her beyond logistics for the kids and that works OK.
My work has suffered over the last three years. Although I had to scale back my responsibilities in order to spend more time with the children (which I don't regret for a second and I still have them for half the week), I'm nowhere near as sharp as I used to be and I often have to force myself to focus. I seem to be tired a lot of the time too, even though my diet is fairly good and I exercise well. I just seem to care less about work. I hope I can turn this around a little as I used to derive a lot of satisfaction from my job.
Relationship-wise I'm a mess. I mentioned earlier in the thread that my tolerance for strange behaviour/histrionics is completely shot. At the first sign of irrational behaviour I'm gone, irrespective of how much I like the person. I also can't bring myself to let anyone into my world and I certainly don't trust anyone. Of perhaps 30 women I've dated one way or another over the last three years I haven't introduced a single one to any of my friends or family, even when I've been part of a "couple". I don't/can't discuss feelings with them at all and I eventually end up breaking it off (ironically the one person I actually really felt like I would like to spend time with long-term was the one who broke up with me...in every other case it's been my decision).
It's now reached the point where I've been "off the market" for months. I thought I just wasn't ready but if anything I'm even less inclined to make the effort now. I do have days when I feel like it would be good to have someone in my life but they are few and far between - I can't picture what a proper relationship would actually be like and it doesn't seem fair to put another person in the position of having to deal with that. I'm sure this isn't healthy and I'm thinking of going back to counselling to try and organise my thoughts a little. Basically I have no idea what I want, or how to get there.
I've made a lot of mistakes in life, made some poor choices and I'm not handling my emotional side well. I'm very much enjoying my time with the kids which is great but I'm not getting much else right.
So there we have it - not very positive but it's how things are. I'd welcome any input from anyone that the above resonates with but even if everyone else is bored now, it always helps me to write it down.
Hope everyone else is doing OK.
I guess ABD your still processing your feelings that have come with the lose of what you thought you had in the relationship prior to her infidelity. Going back into therapy is a good decision and I hope it enables you to find some contentment. Don't let this experience or hurt ultimately change you as a person with regards to being over guarded with relationships, allow yourself to be vulnerable. All the best It's three years since X moved out and I feel like I've had some time and space to gain perspective on things. As there are a few people who seem to be in a similar boat (or heading in the same direction) I thought I'd give an update.
My relationship with my kids is brilliant. I couldn't have asked for two better children and although they have their challenges we are really close and can/do talk about anything, as well as doing fun stuff together. My son is at high school now and has settled in fantastically - I'm actually very surprised by how well he has coped with what for him was a big change. With the odd "teenage moment", my daughter is a real pleasure to be around.
X never filed the divorce papers. I have no idea why and she doesn't want to have the discussion - I'm going to have to start again and do it myself. She had been seeing someone for some time and he had got to know the kids - they seem to quite like him which is good. Two weeks ago I think they must have split up as I had a text from X asking to move back in...I declined of course. They now seem to be back together. I don't really have anything to do with her beyond logistics for the kids and that works OK.
My work has suffered over the last three years. Although I had to scale back my responsibilities in order to spend more time with the children (which I don't regret for a second and I still have them for half the week), I'm nowhere near as sharp as I used to be and I often have to force myself to focus. I seem to be tired a lot of the time too, even though my diet is fairly good and I exercise well. I just seem to care less about work. I hope I can turn this around a little as I used to derive a lot of satisfaction from my job.
Relationship-wise I'm a mess. I mentioned earlier in the thread that my tolerance for strange behaviour/histrionics is completely shot. At the first sign of irrational behaviour I'm gone, irrespective of how much I like the person. I also can't bring myself to let anyone into my world and I certainly don't trust anyone. Of perhaps 30 women I've dated one way or another over the last three years I haven't introduced a single one to any of my friends or family, even when I've been part of a "couple". I don't/can't discuss feelings with them at all and I eventually end up breaking it off (ironically the one person I actually really felt like I would like to spend time with long-term was the one who broke up with me...in every other case it's been my decision).
It's now reached the point where I've been "off the market" for months. I thought I just wasn't ready but if anything I'm even less inclined to make the effort now. I do have days when I feel like it would be good to have someone in my life but they are few and far between - I can't picture what a proper relationship would actually be like and it doesn't seem fair to put another person in the position of having to deal with that. I'm sure this isn't healthy and I'm thinking of going back to counselling to try and organise my thoughts a little. Basically I have no idea what I want, or how to get there.
I've made a lot of mistakes in life, made some poor choices and I'm not handling my emotional side well. I'm very much enjoying my time with the kids which is great but I'm not getting much else right.
So there we have it - not very positive but it's how things are. I'd welcome any input from anyone that the above resonates with but even if everyone else is bored now, it always helps me to write it down.
Hope everyone else is doing OK.
A bit down said:
So there we have it - not very positive but it's how things are. I'd welcome any input from anyone that the above resonates with but even if everyone else is bored now, it always helps me to write it down.
Hope everyone else is doing OK.
Not very positive? I see the opposite, your kids are obviously thriving after an extremely difficult time, and you are rational and sensible. Isn't perfect, but I suspect much better than many, so focus on the real achievement of happy kids.Hope everyone else is doing OK.
A bit down said:
X never filed the divorce papers. I have no idea why and she doesn't want to have the discussion - I'm going to have to start again and do it myself. She had been seeing someone for some time and he had got to know the kids - they seem to quite like him which is good. Two weeks ago I think they must have split up as I had a text from X asking to move back in...I declined of course. They now seem to be back together. I don't really have anything to do with her beyond logistics for the kids and that works OK.
Hang on hang on... Move back in with you - like as a couple..? 
Ari said:
A bit down said:
X never filed the divorce papers. I have no idea why and she doesn't want to have the discussion - I'm going to have to start again and do it myself. She had been seeing someone for some time and he had got to know the kids - they seem to quite like him which is good. Two weeks ago I think they must have split up as I had a text from X asking to move back in...I declined of course. They now seem to be back together. I don't really have anything to do with her beyond logistics for the kids and that works OK.
Hang on hang on... Move back in with you - like as a couple..? ABD - good post and nice one on being honest - not fun to do.
I do suggest you see a counsellor about your emotions/dating/work - you sound like talking it through to work with a clear focus in all parts would really help. Your username is also a clue
Thanks for the replies.
Yes, to move in as a couple. Bizarre but nothing surprises me any more. Obviously Pommygranite is right about the ulterior motive.
I think I would like to talk things through with someone. I'll try the same service we used at the time as they were very good. I don't understand why I've been affected in this way so I'm not sure how to deal with it - can't do any harm to try and get some outside perspective.
Thanks again.
Yes, to move in as a couple. Bizarre but nothing surprises me any more. Obviously Pommygranite is right about the ulterior motive.
I think I would like to talk things through with someone. I'll try the same service we used at the time as they were very good. I don't understand why I've been affected in this way so I'm not sure how to deal with it - can't do any harm to try and get some outside perspective.
Thanks again.
A bit down said:
Thanks for the replies.
Yes, to move in as a couple. Bizarre but nothing surprises me any more. Obviously Pommygranite is right about the ulterior motive.
I think I would like to talk things through with someone. I'll try the same service we used at the time as they were very good. I don't understand why I've been affected in this way so I'm not sure how to deal with it - can't do any harm to try and get some outside perspective.
Thanks again.
It would seem strange without the background, and not stalking your thread, but it's a common theme since way back. Some people just can't be alone/self-sufficient/both.Yes, to move in as a couple. Bizarre but nothing surprises me any more. Obviously Pommygranite is right about the ulterior motive.
I think I would like to talk things through with someone. I'll try the same service we used at the time as they were very good. I don't understand why I've been affected in this way so I'm not sure how to deal with it - can't do any harm to try and get some outside perspective.
Thanks again.
I was rolled over by my ex 7 years ago, was in bits, couldn't think straight, didn't care about anything so went to see a counsellor - best thing ever - got my head straight. Also went on anti anxiety pills - not recommending them but for me was brilliant - could think with a clear head, was motivated at work, handled conversations with her without emotion - basically stopped me from giving a crap and lng story short - work got blitzed, I was happy and met my now wife shortly after and now have an awesome terrorist 2 yr old - nothing wrong with marriage it's just depends who you marry.
Best thing I found was just the ability to trust and realised if you can't trust you will lead to great unhappiness.
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