Has anyone used a private detective?
Discussion
Thanks for asking.
Nothing further from X at all beyond the normal logistical stuff which isn't too surprising. She's working quite a lot over Christmas and I'm off for all of it so I've got the kids for most of the time which is great.
Just to show that these updates are all about timing, I decided last week to "put myself out there" a bit as my outlook has improved (some very good counselling helped here) and I've lined up several dates/activities over the holidays during the time I have free - looking forward to it :-).
It's interesting for me to note that my mood has been fairly low around relationships (and if I'm honest around most things other than my kids) for quite a while and I realised I wasn't lifting myself out of it. Having an hour with a counsellor every couple of weeks has really helped me to understand my thoughts and feelings better and my general mood and demeanour has lifted considerably. I'd encourage anyone in the same boat to give consideration to speaking to someone - there's no shame in needing a bit of help from time to time, even if it took me a while to realise it.
Hope everyone else is doing OK.
Nothing further from X at all beyond the normal logistical stuff which isn't too surprising. She's working quite a lot over Christmas and I'm off for all of it so I've got the kids for most of the time which is great.
Just to show that these updates are all about timing, I decided last week to "put myself out there" a bit as my outlook has improved (some very good counselling helped here) and I've lined up several dates/activities over the holidays during the time I have free - looking forward to it :-).
It's interesting for me to note that my mood has been fairly low around relationships (and if I'm honest around most things other than my kids) for quite a while and I realised I wasn't lifting myself out of it. Having an hour with a counsellor every couple of weeks has really helped me to understand my thoughts and feelings better and my general mood and demeanour has lifted considerably. I'd encourage anyone in the same boat to give consideration to speaking to someone - there's no shame in needing a bit of help from time to time, even if it took me a while to realise it.
Hope everyone else is doing OK.
It seems appropriate to provide a bit of an update. I went on a few dates before Christmas with a more open and enthusiastic outlook and it was very positive. All the dates went well but in most cases I didn't feel a "spark"
However, with one woman I really did - and she did. We've seen a lot of each other over the last couple of weeks and it's difficult to imagine how things could be going any better. We're really well suited, are very attracted to each other and get along brilliantly.
I'm obviously trying to keep a sensible pace and we'll see how it goes but I haven't felt this happy in ages :-). My big learning from this is that once I let myself be open to things, something brilliant came along. Funny how fate can intervene when it wants to :-).
If anyone's at the low point right now there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel :-).
However, with one woman I really did - and she did. We've seen a lot of each other over the last couple of weeks and it's difficult to imagine how things could be going any better. We're really well suited, are very attracted to each other and get along brilliantly.
I'm obviously trying to keep a sensible pace and we'll see how it goes but I haven't felt this happy in ages :-). My big learning from this is that once I let myself be open to things, something brilliant came along. Funny how fate can intervene when it wants to :-).
If anyone's at the low point right now there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel :-).
Thanks for the kind words all.
Point taken re X - I'd actually forgotten about her :-). She sent me a text just before midnight on new year's eve - clearly well considered and well worded (rather than a drunken rant), taking full responsibility for what happened, offering an unreserved apology and suggesting it's time to properly move on. Obviously (as those who are familiar with this thread will be well aware) it wasn't all her fault but I reciprocated and it does feel like another barrier between us has been removed. Another reason to be cheerful! I still won't be telling her about new person for a while though... :-)
Feels good to have a positive mindset about the future :-). I'll keep you updated periodically.
Point taken re X - I'd actually forgotten about her :-). She sent me a text just before midnight on new year's eve - clearly well considered and well worded (rather than a drunken rant), taking full responsibility for what happened, offering an unreserved apology and suggesting it's time to properly move on. Obviously (as those who are familiar with this thread will be well aware) it wasn't all her fault but I reciprocated and it does feel like another barrier between us has been removed. Another reason to be cheerful! I still won't be telling her about new person for a while though... :-)
Feels good to have a positive mindset about the future :-). I'll keep you updated periodically.
That's very kind and thanks for the good wishes but I was lucky enough to have good advice from friends, family (and PH!) which kept me level headed. I think most people would have behaved the same as me given the support I had.
My new friend is on her way over to visit, apparently she has packed her toothbrush ;-)
My new friend is on her way over to visit, apparently she has packed her toothbrush ;-)
Time for a bit of an update.
The short version is that things are going very well. I'm still seeing the woman I met in December and she's just great. Obviously I'm extremely sensitive to strange behaviour but more than three months in and there has been absolutely no sign of it (from her, anyway
).
She's now met my family and I've met hers - they are a really nice bunch. She's also met and spent time with my children which I know I said I didn't think I'd ever do but it seemed like the most normal thing in the world and it went brilliantly - in fact she and my Daughter are baking a cake together tomorrow :-).
I told X about C (C being new lady) and that I was going to introduce her to the kids and she predictably went apes
t. She actually asked if C was younger and prettier than her (which of course she is ;-)) and when the kids did meet her she accused them of taking C's "side" over her 
. This is someone who introduced her new man to the kids without telling me having said she wouldn't, who got engaged to him and didn't tell the kids what that meant for them, and who is supposed to be getting married again later this year despite not having submitted the divorce paperwork yet. I was fed up with this childish stupid behaviour, especially as she was dragging the kids into it and I bked her. She's been OK since then and admitted that she reacted badly but I'm sure there is more insanity around the corner. I don't think about her much now though, I've got other things on my mind 
.
The children are great and my relationship with them is better than ever. We do a lot of fun stuff together as well as the "must do" stuff like homework, uniforms, etc. I have to work very hard on my logistics now as I still have a fairly demanding job, the children half the week and a new girlfriend but it all seems very much worth it
I keep updating this thread now partly in the hope that all the other people going through the same thing but struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel will know that things can and do get better. I've had some very, very dark times over the last 3 and a half years (and well before that actually) but now I can honestly say that my life is great, and getting better every day. Thanks again for all the good advice over the course of this thread and to those still struggling, hang in there folks
The short version is that things are going very well. I'm still seeing the woman I met in December and she's just great. Obviously I'm extremely sensitive to strange behaviour but more than three months in and there has been absolutely no sign of it (from her, anyway
).She's now met my family and I've met hers - they are a really nice bunch. She's also met and spent time with my children which I know I said I didn't think I'd ever do but it seemed like the most normal thing in the world and it went brilliantly - in fact she and my Daughter are baking a cake together tomorrow :-).
I told X about C (C being new lady) and that I was going to introduce her to the kids and she predictably went apes
t. She actually asked if C was younger and prettier than her (which of course she is ;-)) and when the kids did meet her she accused them of taking C's "side" over her . This is someone who introduced her new man to the kids without telling me having said she wouldn't, who got engaged to him and didn't tell the kids what that meant for them, and who is supposed to be getting married again later this year despite not having submitted the divorce paperwork yet. I was fed up with this childish stupid behaviour, especially as she was dragging the kids into it and I bked her. She's been OK since then and admitted that she reacted badly but I'm sure there is more insanity around the corner. I don't think about her much now though, I've got other things on my mind .The children are great and my relationship with them is better than ever. We do a lot of fun stuff together as well as the "must do" stuff like homework, uniforms, etc. I have to work very hard on my logistics now as I still have a fairly demanding job, the children half the week and a new girlfriend but it all seems very much worth it
I keep updating this thread now partly in the hope that all the other people going through the same thing but struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel will know that things can and do get better. I've had some very, very dark times over the last 3 and a half years (and well before that actually) but now I can honestly say that my life is great, and getting better every day. Thanks again for all the good advice over the course of this thread and to those still struggling, hang in there folks
Afternoon, thanks for asking.
It's been more than a year since my last update - time really flies, it's getting on for five years now since I started to have my suspicions.
In general, things are great. I'm still with C and we're getting on brilliantly - we've had the odd bicker but nothing even vaguely serious and after getting on for 18 months I think I'd know whether it was all an act from her - I've long since stopped worrying about that. We've been on several holidays together and have another one booked for later in the year and we see each other 3-4 times a week (we stay over at each others' houses very often but we don't live together - no plans there at the moment and we're both happy as is, we'll see what happens). I still look forward to seeing her every time, she regularly sends me thoughtful messages or does nice things for me and she's very tactile and affectionate (this is interesting as I'm sure a lot of people at the start of this process will recognise the feeling of being completely taken for granted and not cared about at all) and I think we're really well suited. My daughter in particular hero worships her :-). Her family are lovely people too.
The children are settled now, school is going well and they have friends, hobbies and interests and they are great kids (almost both teenagers now!). My relationship with them is still brilliant (not without its occasional challenges!) and we're off to Florida at half term. Their relationship with their mother is a bit more difficult, they sometimes call me in tears as she's shouted at them over something trivial but they have also come to their own conclusions that "she's just a drama queen" and "she always has to make it about her" - those are their words, I've never said anything bad about their mum in front of them nor will I.
X has moved house to a fairly rough area to be nearer to boyfriend number 5 I think it is, he's more or less moved in with his dog as his house is apparently "in need of repair". This is about my only area of concern now - half the week the kids are in a rough place with an unknown man in the house. No problems so far in the first few months but I'm keeping an eye on things from a distance. When it became clear he is spending nearly all his time there I asked to meet him but that's been well and truly avoided so far. The kids would both like to live with me full time but I still think they need to spend some time with their mum. She's working full time now and the erratic behaviour (at least towards me or anything to do with me) has more or less stopped - we're still not divorced as she doesn't want to but in November I'll be doing it anyway at five years separated.
One thing I have noticed is that I still haven't really re-engaged with work. I've changed jobs a couple of times over the last few years, largely because I get bored quickly or I have less tolerance for stupid behaviour or organisational politics. I'm lucky in as much as I have a good network and a reasonable track record in my industry so it's never a problem to find another job but I'll have to keep an eye on this - I'd much rather be at home doing something with the kids or C than in the office, sometimes to the detriment of my profile and reputation at work.
In summary, life is really good for me - my time takes a lot of managing and there is always a lot to do but I'm healthy, have great kids, a partner who cares about me, good friends and a career that (within reason) affords me decent balance. There's not a lot to complain about.
I do follow some of the other similar threads and I've been in touch with some of the other posters but I don't often post as I haven't got much to add to what's in this thread, what I've already posted elsewhere and what others have suggested. There's nothing special about me and I hope that if I can come out the other side of this then others certainly can too.
Thanks again for enquiring after me and keep chins up everyone, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
It's been more than a year since my last update - time really flies, it's getting on for five years now since I started to have my suspicions.
In general, things are great. I'm still with C and we're getting on brilliantly - we've had the odd bicker but nothing even vaguely serious and after getting on for 18 months I think I'd know whether it was all an act from her - I've long since stopped worrying about that. We've been on several holidays together and have another one booked for later in the year and we see each other 3-4 times a week (we stay over at each others' houses very often but we don't live together - no plans there at the moment and we're both happy as is, we'll see what happens). I still look forward to seeing her every time, she regularly sends me thoughtful messages or does nice things for me and she's very tactile and affectionate (this is interesting as I'm sure a lot of people at the start of this process will recognise the feeling of being completely taken for granted and not cared about at all) and I think we're really well suited. My daughter in particular hero worships her :-). Her family are lovely people too.
The children are settled now, school is going well and they have friends, hobbies and interests and they are great kids (almost both teenagers now!). My relationship with them is still brilliant (not without its occasional challenges!) and we're off to Florida at half term. Their relationship with their mother is a bit more difficult, they sometimes call me in tears as she's shouted at them over something trivial but they have also come to their own conclusions that "she's just a drama queen" and "she always has to make it about her" - those are their words, I've never said anything bad about their mum in front of them nor will I.
X has moved house to a fairly rough area to be nearer to boyfriend number 5 I think it is, he's more or less moved in with his dog as his house is apparently "in need of repair". This is about my only area of concern now - half the week the kids are in a rough place with an unknown man in the house. No problems so far in the first few months but I'm keeping an eye on things from a distance. When it became clear he is spending nearly all his time there I asked to meet him but that's been well and truly avoided so far. The kids would both like to live with me full time but I still think they need to spend some time with their mum. She's working full time now and the erratic behaviour (at least towards me or anything to do with me) has more or less stopped - we're still not divorced as she doesn't want to but in November I'll be doing it anyway at five years separated.
One thing I have noticed is that I still haven't really re-engaged with work. I've changed jobs a couple of times over the last few years, largely because I get bored quickly or I have less tolerance for stupid behaviour or organisational politics. I'm lucky in as much as I have a good network and a reasonable track record in my industry so it's never a problem to find another job but I'll have to keep an eye on this - I'd much rather be at home doing something with the kids or C than in the office, sometimes to the detriment of my profile and reputation at work.
In summary, life is really good for me - my time takes a lot of managing and there is always a lot to do but I'm healthy, have great kids, a partner who cares about me, good friends and a career that (within reason) affords me decent balance. There's not a lot to complain about.
I do follow some of the other similar threads and I've been in touch with some of the other posters but I don't often post as I haven't got much to add to what's in this thread, what I've already posted elsewhere and what others have suggested. There's nothing special about me and I hope that if I can come out the other side of this then others certainly can too.
Thanks again for enquiring after me and keep chins up everyone, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
briangriffin said:
Great update and glad you're doing ok.
Out of interest do you think that X has seen that the grass isn't always greener or is does she still think she's made a good choice in what she did originally?
Thank you. I've just spent a couple of hours going back through the thread and I'd forgotten a lot of what happened so it's good to know that it's captured somewhere. I can definitely remember how low I got at times though, and I don't miss those feelings at all. The support from PH was phenomenal and I'll always be grateful.Out of interest do you think that X has seen that the grass isn't always greener or is does she still think she's made a good choice in what she did originally?
X has tried several times for a reconciliation but I made it clear I wasn't interested and the subject hasn't come up for a long time. I may have written this before but I don't particularly think she suddenly realised how fabulous I am, just that she began to understand how hard life can be and she didn't like it.
Someone wrote earlier in the thread that I would look back and thank her for her behaviour as she was doing me a favour in bringing things to a head. She was, and I'm infinitely happier now. I don't think she found whatever she was looking for but I'm glad that's no longer my problem. I now get love and affection by the bucket load, and it's great
^oops, sorry
Thanks for asking how things are going, sorry for late response but I don't log in as much any more. I can't believe how fast time goes - the bulk of this stuff was 6 years ago...
In summary, life is grand. I'm still with C and it's a fantastic relationship - full of mutual respect, care and attraction. Feeling loved and valued on a daily basis is wonderful. She gets on brilliantly with the kids too. We're off for some sun in a couple of weeks and I can't wait.
I settled down into a new job and it's going very well - I've got the flexibility I need and can earn what I need to after a couple of slight mis-steps with other roles.
The children are doing well, they still spend half the week with me and I take them on a couple of holidays a year. We're very close and I love spending time with them - they are turning into great people.
I still speak to X occasionally in relation to children stuff and apart from her leaving the kids by themselves when she goes on days and nights out (less of an issue now that they are older and I'm still nearby) there isn't much craziness (at least that affects me). Otherwise I don't really know (or care) what she's up to.
I still look after myself and I'm in decent shape/health which I think is important when it comes to facing life's challenges. It took me a long time to realise that you can look after everyone else a lot better if you make the effort to look after yourself.
I'm sure I've said it before on this thread but I hope my tale helps others out - I was at an absolute low point for a long time but now I don't really remember a lot of the bad times and I'm really happy. If it can work for me then it can work for anyone.
Best wishes to everyone else on the journey - keep your chin up!
Thanks for asking how things are going, sorry for late response but I don't log in as much any more. I can't believe how fast time goes - the bulk of this stuff was 6 years ago...
In summary, life is grand. I'm still with C and it's a fantastic relationship - full of mutual respect, care and attraction. Feeling loved and valued on a daily basis is wonderful. She gets on brilliantly with the kids too. We're off for some sun in a couple of weeks and I can't wait.
I settled down into a new job and it's going very well - I've got the flexibility I need and can earn what I need to after a couple of slight mis-steps with other roles.
The children are doing well, they still spend half the week with me and I take them on a couple of holidays a year. We're very close and I love spending time with them - they are turning into great people.
I still speak to X occasionally in relation to children stuff and apart from her leaving the kids by themselves when she goes on days and nights out (less of an issue now that they are older and I'm still nearby) there isn't much craziness (at least that affects me). Otherwise I don't really know (or care) what she's up to.
I still look after myself and I'm in decent shape/health which I think is important when it comes to facing life's challenges. It took me a long time to realise that you can look after everyone else a lot better if you make the effort to look after yourself.
I'm sure I've said it before on this thread but I hope my tale helps others out - I was at an absolute low point for a long time but now I don't really remember a lot of the bad times and I'm really happy. If it can work for me then it can work for anyone.
Best wishes to everyone else on the journey - keep your chin up!
MikeDrop said:
ALP (formerly ABD - Hope you and yours have had a lovely Christmas! (Well, 2 now since you last updated!)
I missed this completely but thank you - and to you!Can't believe it's been two years since I updated :-).
This may be my last post but eight years on things are very different from when I started this thread and I'm posting now in the hope that anyone starting out where I did will be able to see light at the end of the tunnel.
I'll try to be brief :-). C and I are still together and the relationship is as strong as ever. I consider myself very lucky to have found her and we're coming up to 5 years together now. A little while ago we bought a lovely house together and so far it's working out brilliantly. I'd forgotten what it's like when you don't have to do everything yourself and it's taken me a little while to get used to not feeling guilty for not emptying the dishwasher or something (I do my turns too!).
The kids have been great too - although they both had a challenging year with covid and both missed important exams they've both secured the next stage they needed. My daughter is off to her first choice uni this coming week (although for how long we'll see based on lockdown) and although I'll miss her like mad, she's grown into a fantastic, mature, balanced young woman and I'm massively proud of her.
My son knuckled down and got into the sixth form college he wanted to and is just setting off on that journey and he's a really great kid too (I may be biased :-)). Their resilience throughout all this has amazed me although the new setup has now been the norm for almost as long as the previous one so they are well and truly settled in.
I've continued to try and look after myself, I exercise regularly and try to watch what I eat - the other half keeps me honest on that as she's great at it so I just try to keep up.
X has settled down too. I think she probably has some regrets but she seems to have learned to live with them and she generally behaves normally now when I interact with her (which isn't very often).
There have of course been some challenges over the last few years but having got through what felt like the darkest of times, I now know I've (we've) got the resilience to cope with more or less anything. I think that's true for most people if they can believe there is an end to the hard times so to anyone going through it - you can definitely make it out the other side and don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it. Just looking at the kindness shown in this thread towards me should be testament to that.
Who knows what the future holds but that's where we are as of today. Once more, a huge thanks to PH for allowing this thread and to everyone who contributed. This can be a great community at times like this and I've been trying to give back where I can.
TL;DR - things were bad and now they're great. Keep your chin up.
Look after yourselves everyone.
ALP
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