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OdramaSwimLaden

Original Poster:

1,919 posts

55 months

[news] 
Friday 5th October 2012 quote quote all
For me it was about 25 years ago whilst we were on a secondary school visit to a working livestock farm in Kent.

Upon arrival fifty 12 year olds were split into 4 groups with one teacher allocated to look after each group. I knew it wasn't going to be fun when we got Mr Collins; our Latin teacher. Mr Collins was a deeply scary individual, not to mention humourless, strict, large and violent (this was the 1980's Inner London comprehensive school when a smack for misbehaving was common place!).

So off the other groups trotted in jovial spirit whilst we trotted off in silence with Mr Collins to the cow shed with the farm hand.

There was a bit of blah blah blah and we ended up at one end standing behind a cow that we were informed was up the duff. Farm man picked up a long plastic glove (very muffled sniggers!), put it on a told us the cow was pregnant and he was going to check all ok inside. Still muffled sniggers he stuck arm all the way up, fiddled a bit, withdrew and asked who wanted a go.

No one manned up but with quite a bit of coercion Mr Collins, fair play to him, eventually volunteered and pulled on the glove. More very very silent muffled sniggering.

He was up to about his elbow when the cow decided to empty the contents of it's bowels in a powerful and constant greeny brown jet all over Mr Collins face and body, covering him literally head to toe in st. The richocets spattering several of us too along the way (not me).

Mr Collins rapidly withdrew his arm and that's when the main body of the st pratically knocked him over, Mr Collins spewing and swearing like i've never seen anyone replicate to this day.

On his hands and knees covered in green st was the scariest teacher that ever walked the land. Not one of us was not bent double is hysterics, all fear now gone of reprisals.

He, still swearing and fuming covered in st, was taken off to get changed and we were told the farm visit was over and make our way back to the bus. We were all on the bus waiting for Mr Collins, pissing ourselves and sharing what had happened to staff and kids alike, when we saw him in Orange overalls walking over the driveway to the bus. Muffled sniggers all the way home......

Imagine Mr Collins was your teacher Nemesis; you have to see the funny side.




leggly

661 posts

97 months

[news] 
Saturday 6th October 2012 quote quote all
Thank you biggrinbiggrinbiggrin

DuncanM

2,373 posts

165 months

[news] 
Saturday 6th October 2012 quote quote all
In tears just reading it rofl

Fishtigua

6,367 posts

81 months

[news] 
Saturday 6th October 2012 quote quote all
Full on tittering here too. laugh

ikarl

1,579 posts

85 months

[news] 
Saturday 6th October 2012 quote quote all
made me smile




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The Moose

11,683 posts

95 months

[news] 
Saturday 6th October 2012 quote quote all
thumbuprofl

PeanutHead

7,814 posts

56 months

[news] 
Saturday 6th October 2012 quote quote all
Great read and lots of chuckling here, thanks.

slopes

28,164 posts

73 months

[news] 
Saturday 6th October 2012 quote quote all
One of the funniest things i've seen recently was posted in this very forum.
The story goes that someone was trying to remove a stubborn wheel nut, with assisstance from his father. One moment they are putting everything into trying to move it, the next the wheel nut frees right up and this guy belts his dad in the face and lays him out cold. In the process his dad's teeth cut his hand. The guy sees this and promptly faints, whereby his mum comes into the garage to find them both out cold on the floor.


I laughed so hard i had to go to the loo for a leak

Condi

3,757 posts

57 months

[news] 
Saturday 6th October 2012 quote quote all
As someone who has worked on farms for years, such events are no longer regarded as funny.


Mainly because you laugh very hard when a cow sts on your colleagues head in the milking parlour, but within a week or 2 the same will have happened to you and it'll be his turn to be laughing!

DuncanM

2,373 posts

165 months

[news] 
Saturday 6th October 2012 quote quote all
slopes said:
One of the funniest things i've seen recently was posted in this very forum.
The story goes that someone was trying to remove a stubborn wheel nut, with assisstance from his father. One moment they are putting everything into trying to move it, the next the wheel nut frees right up and this guy belts his dad in the face and lays him out cold. In the process his dad's teeth cut his hand. The guy sees this and promptly faints, whereby his mum comes into the garage to find them both out cold on the floor.


I laughed so hard i had to go to the loo for a leak
rofl

essexplumber

7,405 posts

59 months

[news] 
Saturday 6th October 2012 quote quote all
slopes said:
One of the funniest things i've seen recently was posted in this very forum.
The story goes that someone was trying to remove a stubborn wheel nut, with assisstance from his father. One moment they are putting everything into trying to move it, the next the wheel nut frees right up and this guy belts his dad in the face and lays him out cold. In the process his dad's teeth cut his hand. The guy sees this and promptly faints, whereby his mum comes into the garage to find them both out cold on the floor.


I laughed so hard i had to go to the loo for a leak
rofl

And to the OP's tale roflrofl


OP what school did you go to? Mr Collins sounds familiar.

OdramaSwimLaden

Original Poster:

1,919 posts

55 months

[news] 
Saturday 6th October 2012 quote quote all
DuncanM said:
In tears just reading it rofl
It was quarter of a century ago and I still had tears in my eyes writing it......

Dusty964

6,097 posts

76 months

[news] 
Saturday 6th October 2012 quote quote all
For me it's a mate called Brian, in a business meeting, in Hungary, following a hearty lunch and a couple of beers.....

After 20 or so minutes, Brian developed what he called 'a minor tummy irritation'. After sweating for a while, he somewhat meekly asked where the toilet was, vanished hastily, and returned about 10 minutes later looking somewhat more comfortable. The only problem was, he stunk. Not a 'gentle, post dinner farting' aroma, more like an open septic tank. Notes were scribbled, and he excused himself again, only to return in dismay, as he couldn't fathom the problem.
After sitting for another 5 or so minutes, another note was hastily scribbled, basically 'I don't know what you have done, but there is a speck of st on your cuff'. This time, we both made our excuses to 'have a quiet word outside the office', and nigh on ran for the loos.
Oh dear.
In his attempts not to follow through, Brian had shuffled quickly into the smallest room, dropped his trousers and let nature take it's course.
Alas, in his hurry not to soil himself, he had pulled his braces off, they had dropped into the bowl, and what was later described as 'violent bum gravy' had squirted all over them.
Job done, reverse the steps, back to the meeting....
Alas, his shirt would have given Sketchleys a good income for several weeks, so the only course of action was for him to remove it. For reasons best known only to him, he slung it out of the window, put his tie back on, did his suit up, and returned to the meeting room.
The meeting lasted for about 3 more minutes, was called to a close- not for any reason other than it was over, although he did receive a few slightly perplexed looks, so straight to the lift and back to the ground floor.
By now, I'm afraid that complete immaturity had taken over, and I was in pieces.
Just to cement the ordeal into the 'days to forget' file, on the way through the foyer there was a good 20-30 people all looking skyward to the glass roof, where Brians disheveled, stty shirt lay, with several double taking the sight of a short, fat, bright red, sweaty, shirtless, tie wearing 'businessman' hurrying out of the building.
To finally cause pain to my ribs for the next two days, we jumped into a cab, I lay on the back seat fit to burst, and just as I thought I was ok, he turned around from the front, and asked- in complete seriousness- "do you think they noticed?"


m8rky

1,950 posts

45 months

[news] 
Saturday 6th October 2012 quote quote all
Many years ago must have been around 1984 in the days when Saturday nights lasted in to Sunday morning,my mate Gary who,s dad had just bought him a 2.8i Capri and we went to investigate about 6am on a Sunday morning of ways to get on to Goodwood Circuit,we had heard there was an unlocked gate along one of the back access roads.
The circuit was a bit rundown and unloved and the thought of a bit of illicit midnight circuit racing was very appealing.
Anyway as we turned round we noticed a camp had been set up in one of the old carparks at the St marys side of the circuit so we nosed the Capri in to see what was going on and in the corner of the site was a chap having an early morning turn out in the hedge,in his surprise he stands up quickly while pulling up his trouser and slips over backwards on the dewy grass in to last nights dinner.
We genuinely laughed until we could laugh no more,and my parents who always had a breakfast on the go for me and my mate on a Sunday morning were in tears as well as we told them about it.

Defcon5

4,602 posts

77 months

[news] 
Saturday 6th October 2012 quote quote all
Went to buy an engine with a non car savvy mate. He tried to talk the talk with the seller to knock some money off.

Went ok for a few mins then started asking about the graphite bonnet on the guys car.

That'd be the carbon bonnet then. The look on both their faces was priceless

The Hypno-Toad

7,923 posts

91 months

[news] 
Saturday 6th October 2012 quote quote all
One night in 1985.

Two mates + large amounts of red wine +

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GbPovgCP5BU

= the hardest I ever laughed in my life. We played it again & again until about two in the morning. I have no idea why we thought it was so funny, it just was.

Closely followed by the first Hysteria AIDS benefit when the final act was a man stripping himself naked and declaring;

"And now, a man with a firework up his arse,"

With which he stuck a massive Roman Candle up his bum and set light to it. You probably had to be there but I laughed so hard my ribs actually ached the next day.


The Nur

7,855 posts

71 months

[news] 
Saturday 6th October 2012 quote quote all
Dusty964 said:
Poo/shirt interface story
You've posted this story before, either on here or b3ta (if you are a member) it was better told this time round hehe

Edited by The Nur on Saturday 6th October 22:38

magooagain

934 posts

56 months

[news] 
Saturday 6th October 2012 quote quote all
Well yes ! But could you please repost with some spaces / gaps.

The Nur

7,855 posts

71 months

[news] 
Saturday 6th October 2012 quote quote all
Apologies, didn't think at all

Adam B

8,500 posts

140 months

[news] 
Saturday 6th October 2012 quote quote all
and now i am going to have try and find that tale of the guy on a date after a lethal curry and st
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