Rant: The fatso next to me
Discussion
I'm posting this because it's a Friday afternoon and I need to vent (feel free to exit).
At work we have no fixed places - it's a case of turn up and sit at any available desk. My usual spot was taken today; "No worries, it's not the end of the world" I think to myself and so I sit in another spot a few rows away. Happily working away as you do this huge fat guy sits at the desk next to me.
Now I couldn't care less if you're tall, short, fat or thin but what fg does bother me is when you eat with your by mouth open gobbling away whilst slapping your chops for hours on end with half eaten food in your mouth on full show to the world.
At 10:30am I contemplated whether to say something, however being British I tolerate it trying to ignore the constant mush noises swirling around Jabba the Huts pie hole whilst fatso is gorging on yet another M&S yum yum. 20 minutes pass and he finally stops eating and does some work on the computer. A sigh of relief. Finally I can concentrate and with blood pressure returning to normal I proceed to do 10 minutes of work.
As we enter the eleventh hour of the day, Sir fg Munchalot decides to return to his full to the brim carrier bag and pluck another item out to eat. The same noises return making me want to punch this chap square on the nose, vomit or both - the know the type; we all know the type - unfortunately this type does not know the by type.
This chap is mega size; we're talking the revolting fat from the Monty Python sketch fat. Belly hanging several times over his trousers yet as every single minute passes more food is entering this things face. He is utterly revolting and is making me feel ill; constantly slurping, chomping, slapping, squelching.
I feel like standing up and shouting "STOP FING EATING YOU FAT BD. LOOK AT THE SIZE OF YOU - YOU'RE A TUB OF LARD THAT GETS OUT OF BREATH LEAVING YOUR OWN CHAIR". But I don't. Of course I don't because that would make me in the eyes of my colleagues a complete wr for some reason.
And so, I continue to sit here next to this disgusting fing blub of a 'colleague' mid afternoon with no where else to sit whilst he is cramming a huge salad down his throat, half of it hanging out of it's mouth whilst holding a half eaten bagel in the other hand as if his life depended on it. The noise alone makes me gag; as if someone is eating in my ear and spitting food out along the way.
At present we are now half way through the by selection of food - dear mother of God I have 3 hours to go!.
I've always wondered how we could solve world hunger and now I know - just get rid of this fat fr and problem solved. How anyone can be so obese and disgusting is beyond me. What's even more challenging is how anyone can eat virtually non stop from 10:30am ("sorry, just started lunch" was muttered at 11am in between swallowing something and grabbing yet another item). Lunch! Lunch! It's 11am you ct - you've already had two sandwiches and it's at least an hour before everyone else deems it lunch - STOP EATING!
Make sure you choose wisely where you sit peeps - don't make the mistake I unknowingly did.
Rant over
At work we have no fixed places - it's a case of turn up and sit at any available desk. My usual spot was taken today; "No worries, it's not the end of the world" I think to myself and so I sit in another spot a few rows away. Happily working away as you do this huge fat guy sits at the desk next to me.
Now I couldn't care less if you're tall, short, fat or thin but what fg does bother me is when you eat with your by mouth open gobbling away whilst slapping your chops for hours on end with half eaten food in your mouth on full show to the world.
At 10:30am I contemplated whether to say something, however being British I tolerate it trying to ignore the constant mush noises swirling around Jabba the Huts pie hole whilst fatso is gorging on yet another M&S yum yum. 20 minutes pass and he finally stops eating and does some work on the computer. A sigh of relief. Finally I can concentrate and with blood pressure returning to normal I proceed to do 10 minutes of work.
As we enter the eleventh hour of the day, Sir fg Munchalot decides to return to his full to the brim carrier bag and pluck another item out to eat. The same noises return making me want to punch this chap square on the nose, vomit or both - the know the type; we all know the type - unfortunately this type does not know the by type.
This chap is mega size; we're talking the revolting fat from the Monty Python sketch fat. Belly hanging several times over his trousers yet as every single minute passes more food is entering this things face. He is utterly revolting and is making me feel ill; constantly slurping, chomping, slapping, squelching.
I feel like standing up and shouting "STOP FING EATING YOU FAT BD. LOOK AT THE SIZE OF YOU - YOU'RE A TUB OF LARD THAT GETS OUT OF BREATH LEAVING YOUR OWN CHAIR". But I don't. Of course I don't because that would make me in the eyes of my colleagues a complete wr for some reason.
And so, I continue to sit here next to this disgusting fing blub of a 'colleague' mid afternoon with no where else to sit whilst he is cramming a huge salad down his throat, half of it hanging out of it's mouth whilst holding a half eaten bagel in the other hand as if his life depended on it. The noise alone makes me gag; as if someone is eating in my ear and spitting food out along the way.
At present we are now half way through the by selection of food - dear mother of God I have 3 hours to go!.
I've always wondered how we could solve world hunger and now I know - just get rid of this fat fr and problem solved. How anyone can be so obese and disgusting is beyond me. What's even more challenging is how anyone can eat virtually non stop from 10:30am ("sorry, just started lunch" was muttered at 11am in between swallowing something and grabbing yet another item). Lunch! Lunch! It's 11am you ct - you've already had two sandwiches and it's at least an hour before everyone else deems it lunch - STOP EATING!
Make sure you choose wisely where you sit peeps - don't make the mistake I unknowingly did.
Rant over
Makes you wonder why people are fat, huh? I used to work with a couple of massively fat girls - Who had whole tins of biscuits, and Celebrations etc on their desks that they munched on all day long - same example, but luckily I didn't sit next to, just near them.
I used to always see them, daily without fail visit the vending machine and come back with crisps and chocolate bars - No wonder they're fat, jesus.
I used to always see them, daily without fail visit the vending machine and come back with crisps and chocolate bars - No wonder they're fat, jesus.
Brother, I feel your pain.
I fking hate, really fking hate people who eat loudly especially in office or transport environments. My wife can't understand it, sounds just don't bother her but they really grind my gears.
People chewing gum on a flight next to me, clack-clack-clack as their vacuous gob swings open like a yawning demented hippo - learn some fking manners!
People grazing in the office, rustling crisps and chomping through them, crumbs flying out of their open mouths - learn some fking manners!
I'm very happy that I can work from home
I fking hate, really fking hate people who eat loudly especially in office or transport environments. My wife can't understand it, sounds just don't bother her but they really grind my gears.
People chewing gum on a flight next to me, clack-clack-clack as their vacuous gob swings open like a yawning demented hippo - learn some fking manners!
People grazing in the office, rustling crisps and chomping through them, crumbs flying out of their open mouths - learn some fking manners!
I'm very happy that I can work from home
Nicholas Blair said:
Tough shift - folk in here like that, maybe not so big but constantly eating. WHY??????????
Boredom. I certainly eat more on quiet days. In fact, to the point that I need to get a grip or get another arse fitted - at this rate, I'll be giving Mr Creasote a run for his money by Christmas. Here's what you do.
Pop out and get a bar of Dairy Milk and a bar of Exlax.
Wrap the Exlax in the Dairy Milk wrapper and then snap off one segment.
Then tell Sir Munchalot that you don't fancy the rest of the bar and offer it to him, and watch while he devours it like a starved wolf.
Then snigger to yourself at the thought of his bowels expolding like Krakatoa on the train home and him having to walk from the station like he's holding a live eel between the cheeks of his arse.
Pop out and get a bar of Dairy Milk and a bar of Exlax.
Wrap the Exlax in the Dairy Milk wrapper and then snap off one segment.
Then tell Sir Munchalot that you don't fancy the rest of the bar and offer it to him, and watch while he devours it like a starved wolf.
Then snigger to yourself at the thought of his bowels expolding like Krakatoa on the train home and him having to walk from the station like he's holding a live eel between the cheeks of his arse.
There are so many things you could do to help this person rather than rant about him.
Do him a favour and slip some ex-lax choc bars in his carrier (he might lose some weight).
Loosen the bolts on his chair which will inevitably collapse on his return (he will be off work for some time with a tasty payout).
Drop a few high strength caffeine tablets in his coffee (the best workout his heart will have had for years).
Order Domino's for him, every hour on the hour (he does like food and no doubt his boss will take a dim view of the regular deliveries).
The list goes on... Maybe you should start a thread on "how could I help this chap sitting by me". I'm sure the PH collective can come up with some suggestions.
Do him a favour and slip some ex-lax choc bars in his carrier (he might lose some weight).
Loosen the bolts on his chair which will inevitably collapse on his return (he will be off work for some time with a tasty payout).
Drop a few high strength caffeine tablets in his coffee (the best workout his heart will have had for years).
Order Domino's for him, every hour on the hour (he does like food and no doubt his boss will take a dim view of the regular deliveries).
The list goes on... Maybe you should start a thread on "how could I help this chap sitting by me". I'm sure the PH collective can come up with some suggestions.
B3Svert said:
Brother, I feel your pain.
I fking hate, really fking hate people who eat loudly especially in office or transport environments. My wife can't understand it, sounds just don't bother her but they really grind my gears.
People chewing gum on a flight next to me, clack-clack-clack as their vacuous gob swings open like a yawning demented hippo - learn some fking manners!
People grazing in the office, rustling crisps and chomping through them, crumbs flying out of their open mouths - learn some fking manners!
I'm very happy that I can work from home
This entirely this, shut your mouth and chew you fking mouth breathing bellend. It is rapidly becoming my number once hate!I fking hate, really fking hate people who eat loudly especially in office or transport environments. My wife can't understand it, sounds just don't bother her but they really grind my gears.
People chewing gum on a flight next to me, clack-clack-clack as their vacuous gob swings open like a yawning demented hippo - learn some fking manners!
People grazing in the office, rustling crisps and chomping through them, crumbs flying out of their open mouths - learn some fking manners!
I'm very happy that I can work from home
I would tell him something like ' sorry I have to move as you are a loud, fat etc'
We are currently trying to blow up a fat tt in our office. Every now and again the 55 year old fat bellend (trust me he's vile)tells us how much he's lost in his non existent diet, so we place sausage rolls and cakes on the desk opposite him and wait....Bingo, he takes it every time.
I feel your pain (it's not me by the way ), I used to work in a hotel kitchen as a teenager with a guy who had/probably still has a 56" waist with yet more hanging over his trousers. Watching him eat was the single most horrifying experience of my life so far. Platefuls of food just disappeared into what I assumed was a bottomless pit in his face, then he'd wipe his hands over his shirt and start picking at stuff from the fridges talking, slurping and munching as he went.
Edited by Big Fat Fatty on Friday 12th October 15:32
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