The Cancer Kiss off - being dumped after diagnosis

[sk7ine man]

Thanks chaps. A meet would be good. I'm hoping to try and get out this Sunday to BSB at Brands.

I've had some awesome advice, inspiration and encouragement from all of you on this thread and the previous one, its really kept me going. It's not a nice feeling sometimes thinking about living the rest of your life without a partner but I guess that's the hand we're dealt sometimes and just have to get on with it...and I guess in someways it would be unfair, for me to be with anyone who would have to put up with my illness and the risks involved...sorry just thinking out loud and feeling sorry for myself!

[Pesty]

Get the gixxer get some training do some track days.

Good luck

[Corpulent Tosser]

sk7ine man said:

My last chemo infusion is next Monday. The Radiotherapy dept at Charing Cross phoned me today to book me into having a planning scan the following week. The nurse that called was also discussing effects & side effects of having Radiotherapy and one of the things that has got me worried is the strong possibility of developing secondary's after having Radio Seems there's a lot more side effects than chemo, including impotency and incontinence, soreness, bleeding, nausea, fatigue. Not looking forward to it. This is 5 days a week over 5 weeks as an outpatient.

In other news, I've found a bike going with my dad on Saturday to have a look and possibly even bring home. It's a GXSR 1000 K6, I last had a R1 5VY and love the lazy power of litre bikes even though ill not even be using close to 10% of its ability. Interestingly it's apparently been a ex-police bike (undercover), so a little dubious about its condition so we'll see on Saturday!

My duaghter had more side effects with the Chemo than Radio, hers was only for 3 weeks though, she did experience redness of the skin and there was concern over the skin breaking and leaving her open to infections, which as she had lymph nodes removed increased the concern. Anyway it wasn't as bad as she expected, so fingers crossed they are giving you worst case scenario and it will all go well for you.

In the meantime enjoy your new bike.

[sk7ine man]

Corpulent Tosser said:

My duaghter had more side effects with the Chemo than Radio, hers was only for 3 weeks though, she did experience redness of the skin and there was concern over the skin breaking and leaving her open to infections, which as she had lymph nodes removed increased the concern. Anyway it wasn't as bad as she expected, so fingers crossed they are giving you worst case scenario and it will all go well for you.

In the meantime enjoy your new bike.

Thanks buddy. I've got to go squirt in a pot next week as I'll be impotent after it, that's a certainty I'm told. I'm wondering whether to bother as I hardly think anyone would wanna be with me after all this but hey ho. All this has really hit my self confidence hard.

Went to look at a bike in the bitter cold, wasn't in great condition so I'm looking at the Gixxer as mentioned before on Saturday morning. Sellers an old chappie and quite enthusiastic and knowledge about the bike so hoping its a good un. If I do get it I'm planning a little trip to Brands on Sunday with it.

[BlackVanDyke]

sk7ine man said:

Corpulent Tosser said:

My duaghter had more side effects with the Chemo than Radio, hers was only for 3 weeks though, she did experience redness of the skin and there was concern over the skin breaking and leaving her open to infections, which as she had lymph nodes removed increased the concern. Anyway it wasn't as bad as she expected, so fingers crossed they are giving you worst case scenario and it will all go well for you.

In the meantime enjoy your new bike.

Thanks buddy. I've got to go squirt in a pot next week as I'll be impotent after it, that's a certainty I'm told. I'm wondering whether to bother as I hardly think anyone would wanna be with me after all this but hey ho. All this has really hit my self confidence hard.

Went to look at a bike in the bitter cold, wasn't in great condition so I'm looking at the Gixxer as mentioned before on Saturday morning. Sellers an old chappie and quite enthusiastic and knowledge about the bike so hoping its a good un. If I do get it I'm planning a little trip to Brands on Sunday with it.

Definitely bother. Firstly, yes, as your body heals so will your headspace and the whole relationships thing won't seem so unlikely. With the stunts your ex has pulled you're gonna have a fair bit of healing to do from that too but heal you will. That's a given. Obviously the non-given is wanting to be a dad again - but at risk of stating the bleeding obvious, freezing sperm doesn't actually oblige you to use it in the future - it just means that you can, if you ever want to. As insurance plans go it has a fair bit to recommend it - only costs a bit of time.

[sk7ine man]

BlackVanDyke said:

Definitely bother. Firstly, yes, as your body heals so will your headspace and the whole relationships thing won't seem so unlikely. With the stunts your ex has pulled you're gonna have a fair bit of healing to do from that too but heal you will. That's a given. Obviously the non-given is wanting to be a dad again - but at risk of stating the bleeding obvious, freezing sperm doesn't actually oblige you to use it in the future - it just means that you can, if you ever want to. As insurance plans go it has a fair bit to recommend it - only costs a bit of time.

I think I just needed to sleep on it, as that makes a lot of sense now, as silly as it may seem. It's funny how even the simple decisions & choices become so confusing and obscure.

[anonymous-user]

sk7ine man said:

I think I just needed to sleep on it, as that makes a lot of sense now, as silly as it may seem. It's funny how even the simple decisions & choices become so confusing and obscure.

Just be aware that what you think of as 'silly' is nothing of the sort. With everything that's going on in your life, you now have a new 'normal'. in the new new normal its completely understandable that so-called simple decisions become difficult.

Be aware that the old normal will eventually return when you are not faced with such an overwhelming amount of decisions and stress.

All the best.

[oddman]

sk7ine man said:

I've got to go squirt in a pot next week as I'll be impotent after it, that's a certainty I'm told.

Do you mean infertile?

If the treatment might damage nerves in the pelvis there is a possibility of impotence but I'd be surprised if they would tell you it was certain.

I'm with the others. Banking your sperm is a no brainer. I can fully understand why contemplating a future child must be difficult in your situation but if you abandon the possibility of having another child you might be seeding unecessary difficulties for yourself in future relationships.

[sk7ine man]

oddman said:

Do you mean infertile?

If the treatment might damage nerves in the pelvis there is a possibility of impotence but I'd be surprised if they would tell you it was certain.

I'm with the others. Banking your sperm is a no brainer. I can fully understand why contemplating a future child must be difficult in your situation but if you abandon the possibility of having another child you might be seeding unecessary difficulties for yourself in future relationships.

Sorry, infertile as well as impotent as it does damage the nerves, she didn't exactly say it was 100% it would happen but more than likely. They're zapping a large area of the pelvis and with the tumour being a rectal carcinoma, the genitalia are unfortunately right in the way . My planning CT scan is on Monday and apparently going to have small tattoos on me?

I really didn't think of it like that, so thank you for helping. It's just as Garyhun said about a new 'normal'. Simple decisions become so obscured. I've for the past few nights been having dreams of being back with the mental, which are really depressing me for a good few hours when I wake up. By the evening I'm ok again but then back to sleep and its such a vicious circle. It's funny how you never think these things would happen to you. A few years ago, looking back, I had a beautiful wife, an amazing son, great job, bought our home and life was nigh on perfect, we had fairly simple lives and I had little want for anything else. Granted we had our problems but I pedalled on and tried to create a good environment for my son to grow up in, Little did I expect everything to come crashing down overnight

I had a call from the new family centre in Ealing today. They're going to be interviewing the Mental tomorrow and myself separately on the 13th. The sessions will start again on the 27th. That's almost 2 months after I last saw him
I felt like snapping at the lady but she's only a volunteer and its completely not her fault, just felt like taking out my frustration out on someone.

[Du1point8]

Can you not report the mental and her solicitor for fking all this up?

Pretty certain that judge/whoever solicitors answer to would be very unhappy with them after they stuck their foot in, resulting in the centre denied them access anymore and thus results in you not seeing your kiddy for 2 months.

[sk7ine man]

Du1point8 said:

Can you not report the mental and her solicitor for fking all this up?

Pretty certain that judge/whoever solicitors answer to would be very unhappy with them after they stuck their foot in, resulting in the centre denied them access anymore and thus results in you not seeing your kiddy for 2 months.

I did ask a few posts up but I think it's too late now but given the lastest developments may be worth a shot. Who would I complain to in court? Would someone be able to help me with a rough template?

[drivin_me_nuts]

sk7ine man said:

oddman said:

Do you mean infertile?

If the treatment might damage nerves in the pelvis there is a possibility of impotence but I'd be surprised if they would tell you it was certain.

I'm with the others. Banking your sperm is a no brainer. I can fully understand why contemplating a future child must be difficult in your situation but if you abandon the possibility of having another child you might be seeding unecessary difficulties for yourself in future relationships.

Sorry, infertile as well as impotent as it does damage the nerves, she didn't exactly say it was 100% it would happen but more than likely. They're zapping a large area of the pelvis and with the tumour being a rectal carcinoma, the genitalia are unfortunately right in the way . My planning CT scan is on Monday and apparently going to have small tattoos on me?

I really didn't think of it like that, so thank you for helping. It's just as Garyhun said about a new 'normal'. Simple decisions become so obscured. I've for the past few nights been having dreams of being back with the mental, which are really depressing me for a good few hours when I wake up. By the evening I'm ok again but then back to sleep and its such a vicious circle. It's funny how you never think these things would happen to you. A few years ago, looking back, I had a beautiful wife, an amazing son, great job, bought our home and life was nigh on perfect, we had fairly simple lives and I had little want for anything else. Granted we had our problems but I pedalled on and tried to create a good environment for my son to grow up in, Little did I expect everything to come crashing down overnight

I had a call from the new family centre in Ealing today. They're going to be interviewing the Mental tomorrow and myself separately on the 13th. The sessions will start again on the 27th. That's almost 2 months after I last saw him
I felt like snapping at the lady but she's only a volunteer and its completely not her fault, just felt like taking out my frustration out on someone.

I have a suggestion for you. It's something that I did when my lass went through her cancer and I was plagued with some pretty horrendous nightmares - to the point that I point blank refused to go to bed.

Often it helps to let the mind full wander where the mind needs to go. So, next time you wake up feeling depressed.. let your mind go where it needs to go. Work through the 'what would happen if we got back together scenario. Let it play out completely in your mind and see where it takes you to. At the end of it you will more than likely be surprised at where your mind's journey has taken you. Believe me, it beats endless days of getting depressed and trying to 'fight' your way out of it. I did this a few times - the first time was really bloody grim and I wanted to stop. The second time I actually took the time to add more detail and the third time, I created a full blown 'real' image of what it would be like. Once it was real enough - I stopped being terrified, because I came out the other side.

The house and home and reality part of your post about it all coming crashing down is your mind now not quite believing this is your new reality. It will past. give it time and again, rather than fight it or bury it, explore it in your mind. Try and work it out and try and make sense of what your mind is actually telling you. It will all pass.

As for the tattoo - it will be miniscule and is needed for positioning - it will be barely noticeable.

[sk7ine man]

drivin_me_nuts said:

I have a suggestion for you. It's something that I did when my lass went through her cancer and I was plagued with some pretty horrendous nightmares - to the point that I point blank refused to go to bed.

Often it helps to let the mind full wander where the mind needs to go. So, next time you wake up feeling depressed.. let your mind go where it needs to go. Work through the 'what would happen if we got back together scenario. Let it play out completely in your mind and see where it takes you to. At the end of it you will more than likely be surprised at where your mind's journey has taken you. Believe me, it beats endless days of getting depressed and trying to 'fight' your way out of it. I did this a few times - the first time was really bloody grim and I wanted to stop. The second time I actually took the time to add more detail and the third time, I created a full blown 'real' image of what it would be like. Once it was real enough - I stopped being terrified, because I came out the other side.

The house and home and reality part of your post about it all coming crashing down is your mind now not quite believing this is your new reality. It will past. give it time and again, rather than fight it or bury it, explore it in your mind. Try and work it out and try and make sense of what your mind is actually telling you. It will all pass.

As for the tattoo - it will be miniscule and is needed for positioning - it will be barely noticeable.

Thank you I will try that. The dreams are so vivid that I wake up in the first few seconds believing they are real, the the depression sets in when I realise they aren't. I will certainly try and go the other way and let it come.

[drivin_me_nuts]

sk7ine man said:

Thank you I will try that. The dreams are so vivid that I wake up in the first few seconds believing they are real, the the depression sets in when I realise they aren't. I will certainly try and go the other way and let it come.

OK, what you need to do is create an alternative dream - one so vivid, so real that it becomes in fact your reality.

Say for example, 'I see my son and me walking down to the beach together. It's a hot day and I can feel the heat of the sun upon my back. We go to an icecream shop and he chooses a cone. He asks me what I want and I say Strawberry. It tastes so cold and I can taste it now ...'

.. you need to add as much detail to YOUR ALTERNATIVE DREAM as is realistically possible. So in the example I gave, what are you wearing? where are you going? what day of the week is it? What does your son want to eat? Do you go and sit on the sand with the ice cream.

Turn it into your own beautiful daydream - let your mind wander and go where ever it needs and wants to and when you have settled upon the daydream, fill it with as much detail as you can; sights, sounds, smells, tastes.. in fact all the senses. Counter your nightmare with a vivid dream that becomes real.

My hospital nightmare was I used to be chased down corridors by a T Rex. It was so real that on several occasions, late at night, down the same corridors I really did run in blind panic. But your T Rex, my T Rex... they can faced down and beaten. We're the clever monkeys and all we need to do is give the brain a lovely, vibrant, realistic alternative to take instead. Believe me, it will jump at it - providing you make it as vivid and realistic as possible. Give it a go DMN.

[Du1point8]

sk7ine man said:

Du1point8 said:

Can you not report the mental and her solicitor for fking all this up?

Pretty certain that judge/whoever solicitors answer to would be very unhappy with them after they stuck their foot in, resulting in the centre denied them access anymore and thus results in you not seeing your kiddy for 2 months.

I did ask a few posts up but I think it's too late now but given the lastest developments may be worth a shot. Who would I complain to in court? Would someone be able to help me with a rough template?

I would say post this (a linky) in SP&L and ask them and see what they say... worth an ask off the lawyers there and they sometimes dont come into this part of the forums.

I would do it but I dont want to step on your toes asking them when it can come from you.

[mjb1]

sk7ine man said:

Du1point8 said:

Can you not report the mental and her solicitor for fking all this up?

Pretty certain that judge/whoever solicitors answer to would be very unhappy with them after they stuck their foot in, resulting in the centre denied them access anymore and thus results in you not seeing your kiddy for 2 months.

I did ask a few posts up but I think it's too late now but given the lastest developments may be worth a shot. Who would I complain to in court? Would someone be able to help me with a rough template?

Seriously, you need a good solicitor who is going to fight your corner. They are trying all manner of tricks, and getting one over on you. When I suggested leaving it as water under the bridge, I thought you were about to see you son again any day, but the 27th is still weeks away. Kick off (in a controlled but firm way, not a crazed rant) at her solicitor - blame them, tell them it simply isn't good enough and ask what are they going to do about it immediately? Suggest that they personally supervise your contact (at her expense) if they can't find anyone else to do it when you are due to see your son, or that they let you have unsupervised access. It's not like you're a flight risk or there's any danger of him coming to harm. This is the sort of st where a good solicitor would eat them for breakfast.

Further, I can't see any good reason why your contact is so minimal and needs to be supervised at all. You should be aiming to get that amended (and this latest episode must be very good ammo, as they are flouting the existing order).

And most definitely ask for help in the Speed, plod, & law section. There are some very knowledgeable folk over there.

Edited by mjb1 on Saturday 6th April 01:20

[sk7ine man]

mjb1 said:

Seriously, you need a good solicitor who is going to fight your corner. They are trying all manner of tricks, and getting one over on you. When I suggested leaving it as water under the bridge, I thought you were about to see you son again any day, but the 27th is still weeks away. Kick off (in a controlled but firm way, not a crazed rant) at her solicitor - blame them, tell them it simply isn't good enough and ask what are they going to do about it immediately? Suggest that they personally supervise your contact (at her expense) if they can't find anyone else to do it when you are due to see your son, or that they let you have unsupervised access. It's not like you're a flight risk or there's any danger of him coming to harm. This is the sort of st where a good solicitor would eat them for breakfast.

Further, I can't see any good reason why your contact is so minimal and needs to be supervised at all. You should be aiming to get that amended (and this latest episode must be very good ammo, as they are flouting the existing order).

And most definitely ask for help in the Speed, plod, & law section. There are some very knowledgeable folk over there.

Edited by mjb1 on Saturday 6th April 01:20

Excellent advice. Ill get onto it first thing Monday. I may as you've suggested, write her a strong letter and get this BS under control now and the secondary reason is obviously getting more permanent contact.

[sk7ine man]

What do you think of this? Please feel free to amend, add or change as appropriate. I don't think it's threatening enough buts Ali could come up with within 5 minutes!

Dear Solicitor

I was contacted by Wendy of the St. Andrews Contact centre informing me of a interview date of the 13th April and a contact date of the 27th April. This isn't good enough. It would have been almost 2 months from when I last saw my son and this is because of the altercation between yourself and Mrs M***.

I would like to know what you will be doing to initiate contact immediately, as the 27th April is unacceptable. I strongly suggest you personally supervise or arrange supervision for a contact session (at your cost) when I'm due to see my son or if you cannot find anyone then I want unsupervised access. I have been more than reasonable and patient and you know need to take responsibility for ensuring immediate contact, supervised or unsupervised.

I have been clearly taken advantage of, as I have no solicitor and the contact order has not been adhered to. I feel there is a urgent need to refer this matter back to court and have the order enforced if a contact session is not arranged for the 13th April?

[BlackVanDyke]

I would maybe change "I want unsupervised access" to perhaps something along the lines of "then unsupervised access will need to be considered in order to ensure that <your little boy> does not miss out on any further contact time" or similar - remind them that at the heart of this is a young kid and THEIR stty stunts are stopping HIM from seeing his dad.

You might want it in better English than I am capable of at 4am, but I hope that makes sense!

[anonymous-user]

As has been said - post the 'letter' in SP&L and a real solicitor will probably re-write it for you in proper legal speak.