Idiotic Neighbour!
Discussion
Welcome to the land of Chandlers Keep on the outskirts of Walsall. It's a nice enough area and has never had any trouble to speak of.
Chandlers Keep is a cul de sac that looks out over a canal. Sounds idyllic? It isn't, you've forgotten that it is on the outskirts of Walsall, but that's besides the point.
We bought our first house here 6 years ago and have marvelled at what a quiet, trouble free road it is, we get on with all the neighbours on the street... except one...
Very much the 'Boo Radley' of the street. Except without the undiscovered niceness.
To put this in context he contacts the police every time one of the 8 kids on the street plays in the road outside the houses. Playing in the road sounds more dangerous than it is. It's not ideal of course but there are only ever about 6 cars that will go up and down it. Everytime he phones the police he tries to get an Anti Social Behaviour Order strapped on them, which in turns means that everytime he calls the police the rest of us get a visit asking about the levels of Anti Social behaviour on the street. This must have happened at least 10 times in the last 5 years, no exaggeration. It has happened so many times now that an ASBO survey has had to be taken out, the results have just been posted. Surprise surprise 89% of residents consider there to be no Anti social behaviour... So that's him..
Plus, I'm not one for rumour or gossip but those that do claim that he films everything that goes on in the street. I have never seen this behaviour so cannot comment. But until 3 days ago I'd never seen him. Ever.
Last Saturday we had snow. Mountains of the stuff.
See...
In that picture you'll spot a house in the background... that is Boo Radley's House. My wife took the picture from our doorstep just so you can work out the layout of the road... Normally I park in the off road parking spaces we have available opposite our house (To the left of the picture) but because the snow was coming down pretty thick the night before I decided to park on the road.
A good idea but I still couldn't get the car down the road so in the end I gave up and parked opposite Boo Radley's house, against the kerb opposite his front door (So the car would be facing towards me and on the right of frame in the picture)
The car stayed there until Monday.
On Monday there was sufficiently less snow so I moved it.
On Tuesday morning I was awoken early.
By a Policeman.
Boo Radley had called the police on Saturday night because the car was 'Blocking his Drive' and Tuesday morning the Police came round to advise me that he had done so. They confirmed the car was parked beautifully as was befitting a PH'er and also that I should be considerate of where I was parking in future. Only to then backtrack and say that actually there was nothing wrong with where I'd parked and that he was being sent round unnecessarily just to keep the peace.
It's fair to say I've now had my fill of this idiot.
So I wrote him a letter.
Here it is...
"Dear Sir/Madam,
I'm writing so as to cause least inconvenience to you but am perfectly happy to have this conversation face to face.
I live at number xx Chandlers Keep.
I work peculiar hours, often late into the evening and during most weekends. This morning I was awoken by a policeman knocking on my door informing me that they had received a complaint that they had to follow up, regardless of fault.
The complaint was based around my Ford Focus (Reg: OU07 xxx) being parked 'across' your drive limiting access to your premises.
Firstly, Chandlers Keep was built to be wide enough to allow 2 cars to pass each other when coming from opposite directions and has, in fact, proven to be fit for purpose on many occasions during the last 6 years of me living here.
Secondly, let's mention the snow. Saturday daytime I spent nearly three hours digging out trackways in the snow to allow the residents of Chandlers Keep to be able to access the main road. I , with the help of 5 Children (also residents), pushed out 2 cars which otherwise would have had to be abandoned. I do not want a medal for this, nor do I want praise or thanks. But it is worth noting that the inclement weather made it difficult for residents to leave the road. My car, unfortunately could not leave the road, which caused me to park it opposite your drive.
Apparently, despite being parked against the curb, as was verified by the policeman who saw me this morning, you saw fit to telephone the police. What you were hoping to gain by this course of action I have no idea. Did you expect it to be towed away? A fine perhaps, for being parked legally and not causing an obstruction?
I cannot count the number of Policemen & Community Support Officers who have turned up at my door over the last 6 years who have been sent round 'unnecessarily' (their words, not mine) by an unnamed local resident who has complained about something trivial occurring on the road.
Normally I turn a blind eye to this behaviour of yours, as besides having my work day interrupted by pointless conversations about the so-called 'Anti-Social' behaviour of playing children, it doesn't actually bother me. If you've got nothing better to do than phone the police every time a child laughs too close to your house and the police are forbidden to just tell you to stop whining then I have no issue. Though I do look forward to their response when you complain about me sending you this letter...
However, this particular factually vapid, un-supportable claim was aimed at me and I am writing to tell you, in no uncertain terms, that if I open my door to another dejected Policeman sent over at your request to discover the untold truths of the hidden Preteen Gang Culture living on Chandlers Keep or to deal with any other fabricated misunderstanding of reality then I shall make a formal complaint about you. You are the only menace on this street as far as I am concerned and I am now sick of it. Kindly stop wasting police time and mine.
If you have issues with this letter or indeed with its contents then please do come over and explain them to me. I am perfectly rational and have no intentions of causing a dispute nor to engage in any threatening language or behaviour.
I'm just a resident who wants a quiet life without constant and needless interruptions.
Kind Regards
Ben"
Yes it's waffley and a bit pretentious but what the hell, this d*ckhead has been annoying me for years with his ridiculous behaviour...
So imagine my surprise when he turned up on my doorstep looking like something from the docks of Liverpool circa 1985.
He got quite irate at why I felt it necessary to write him a letter, presumably because he'd had to learn how to read, or employ an interpreter to do it for him. His whinging didn't really didn't bring anything new to my attention, other than he refused to shake my hand and that he no longer has to telephone the police because they've given him their 'Special Email Address' - how I didn't laugh when he told me that I don't know...
Anyway he left and I got on with my life.
Though part of me now wants payback for all the time of mine he's wasted... And I can't help feeling that actually it wouldn't take too long. Especially as this is how he parks his car every day...
I don't care that someone else is doing the same thing 100 yards up the road... but i'd love the police to knock on his door everyday for the next month with a different, yet valid complaint!
I doubt this will be the last post about Boo Radley as a friend of mine is a traffic cop and currently writing him a letter.
Childish... but fun!
Chandlers Keep is a cul de sac that looks out over a canal. Sounds idyllic? It isn't, you've forgotten that it is on the outskirts of Walsall, but that's besides the point.
We bought our first house here 6 years ago and have marvelled at what a quiet, trouble free road it is, we get on with all the neighbours on the street... except one...
Very much the 'Boo Radley' of the street. Except without the undiscovered niceness.
To put this in context he contacts the police every time one of the 8 kids on the street plays in the road outside the houses. Playing in the road sounds more dangerous than it is. It's not ideal of course but there are only ever about 6 cars that will go up and down it. Everytime he phones the police he tries to get an Anti Social Behaviour Order strapped on them, which in turns means that everytime he calls the police the rest of us get a visit asking about the levels of Anti Social behaviour on the street. This must have happened at least 10 times in the last 5 years, no exaggeration. It has happened so many times now that an ASBO survey has had to be taken out, the results have just been posted. Surprise surprise 89% of residents consider there to be no Anti social behaviour... So that's him..
Plus, I'm not one for rumour or gossip but those that do claim that he films everything that goes on in the street. I have never seen this behaviour so cannot comment. But until 3 days ago I'd never seen him. Ever.
Last Saturday we had snow. Mountains of the stuff.
See...
In that picture you'll spot a house in the background... that is Boo Radley's House. My wife took the picture from our doorstep just so you can work out the layout of the road... Normally I park in the off road parking spaces we have available opposite our house (To the left of the picture) but because the snow was coming down pretty thick the night before I decided to park on the road.
A good idea but I still couldn't get the car down the road so in the end I gave up and parked opposite Boo Radley's house, against the kerb opposite his front door (So the car would be facing towards me and on the right of frame in the picture)
The car stayed there until Monday.
On Monday there was sufficiently less snow so I moved it.
On Tuesday morning I was awoken early.
By a Policeman.
Boo Radley had called the police on Saturday night because the car was 'Blocking his Drive' and Tuesday morning the Police came round to advise me that he had done so. They confirmed the car was parked beautifully as was befitting a PH'er and also that I should be considerate of where I was parking in future. Only to then backtrack and say that actually there was nothing wrong with where I'd parked and that he was being sent round unnecessarily just to keep the peace.
It's fair to say I've now had my fill of this idiot.
So I wrote him a letter.
Here it is...
"Dear Sir/Madam,
I'm writing so as to cause least inconvenience to you but am perfectly happy to have this conversation face to face.
I live at number xx Chandlers Keep.
I work peculiar hours, often late into the evening and during most weekends. This morning I was awoken by a policeman knocking on my door informing me that they had received a complaint that they had to follow up, regardless of fault.
The complaint was based around my Ford Focus (Reg: OU07 xxx) being parked 'across' your drive limiting access to your premises.
Firstly, Chandlers Keep was built to be wide enough to allow 2 cars to pass each other when coming from opposite directions and has, in fact, proven to be fit for purpose on many occasions during the last 6 years of me living here.
Secondly, let's mention the snow. Saturday daytime I spent nearly three hours digging out trackways in the snow to allow the residents of Chandlers Keep to be able to access the main road. I , with the help of 5 Children (also residents), pushed out 2 cars which otherwise would have had to be abandoned. I do not want a medal for this, nor do I want praise or thanks. But it is worth noting that the inclement weather made it difficult for residents to leave the road. My car, unfortunately could not leave the road, which caused me to park it opposite your drive.
Apparently, despite being parked against the curb, as was verified by the policeman who saw me this morning, you saw fit to telephone the police. What you were hoping to gain by this course of action I have no idea. Did you expect it to be towed away? A fine perhaps, for being parked legally and not causing an obstruction?
I cannot count the number of Policemen & Community Support Officers who have turned up at my door over the last 6 years who have been sent round 'unnecessarily' (their words, not mine) by an unnamed local resident who has complained about something trivial occurring on the road.
Normally I turn a blind eye to this behaviour of yours, as besides having my work day interrupted by pointless conversations about the so-called 'Anti-Social' behaviour of playing children, it doesn't actually bother me. If you've got nothing better to do than phone the police every time a child laughs too close to your house and the police are forbidden to just tell you to stop whining then I have no issue. Though I do look forward to their response when you complain about me sending you this letter...
However, this particular factually vapid, un-supportable claim was aimed at me and I am writing to tell you, in no uncertain terms, that if I open my door to another dejected Policeman sent over at your request to discover the untold truths of the hidden Preteen Gang Culture living on Chandlers Keep or to deal with any other fabricated misunderstanding of reality then I shall make a formal complaint about you. You are the only menace on this street as far as I am concerned and I am now sick of it. Kindly stop wasting police time and mine.
If you have issues with this letter or indeed with its contents then please do come over and explain them to me. I am perfectly rational and have no intentions of causing a dispute nor to engage in any threatening language or behaviour.
I'm just a resident who wants a quiet life without constant and needless interruptions.
Kind Regards
Ben"
Yes it's waffley and a bit pretentious but what the hell, this d*ckhead has been annoying me for years with his ridiculous behaviour...
So imagine my surprise when he turned up on my doorstep looking like something from the docks of Liverpool circa 1985.
He got quite irate at why I felt it necessary to write him a letter, presumably because he'd had to learn how to read, or employ an interpreter to do it for him. His whinging didn't really didn't bring anything new to my attention, other than he refused to shake my hand and that he no longer has to telephone the police because they've given him their 'Special Email Address' - how I didn't laugh when he told me that I don't know...
Anyway he left and I got on with my life.
Though part of me now wants payback for all the time of mine he's wasted... And I can't help feeling that actually it wouldn't take too long. Especially as this is how he parks his car every day...
I don't care that someone else is doing the same thing 100 yards up the road... but i'd love the police to knock on his door everyday for the next month with a different, yet valid complaint!
I doubt this will be the last post about Boo Radley as a friend of mine is a traffic cop and currently writing him a letter.
Childish... but fun!
Edited by H18 ENF on Monday 1st April 17:25
Dear Mr Policeman, there is a van in my cul de Sac parked on the pavement causing an obstruction. It is blocking the pathway completely meaning that anyone who wishes to uise the pavement needs to walk in the road. My 95 year old, blind and infirm grandmother will be visiting and she likes to take a walk with her white stick to keep her moving and I'm worried that she will have to walk into the potentially dangerous roadway in order top get past. Could you come and speak to the owner please?
carreauchompeur said:
Pavement blocking, get him done! 
PAvement blocking is more dangerous than you think...http://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=...
Well done. I would love to do something similar to the odd tool in our road.
However, whilst I find the letter funny, and recognise the frustration that has lead to it. Have you now started a war with your neighbour? One that may end up in an official dispute that has to be declared when you come to move house.
However, whilst I find the letter funny, and recognise the frustration that has lead to it. Have you now started a war with your neighbour? One that may end up in an official dispute that has to be declared when you come to move house.
What you need to do is get together with some mates, dress head to foot in black fire resistant overalls, Hi-Tec Magnum boots, soft leather gloves and a respirator.
Arm yourselves with a Sig Saur 9mm automatic pistol and a Heckler & Koch MP5.
Use a shaped high explosive charges to simultaneously take out his front and rear windows, pump in large quantities of CS gas, dive in and shoot the first thing that moves, 'If it moves it's thinking and if it's thinking it's dangerous' to quote a certain Lofty Wiseman.
This should cure your problem, HTH?
Arm yourselves with a Sig Saur 9mm automatic pistol and a Heckler & Koch MP5.
Use a shaped high explosive charges to simultaneously take out his front and rear windows, pump in large quantities of CS gas, dive in and shoot the first thing that moves, 'If it moves it's thinking and if it's thinking it's dangerous' to quote a certain Lofty Wiseman.
This should cure your problem, HTH?
Tango13 said:
What you need to do is get together with some mates, dress head to foot in black fire resistant overalls, Hi-Tec Magnum boots, soft leather gloves and a respirator.
Arm yourselves with a Sig Saur 9mm automatic pistol and a Heckler & Koch MP5.
Use a shaped high explosive charges to simultaneously take out his front and rear windows, pump in large quantities of CS gas, dive in and shoot the first thing that moves, 'If it moves it's thinking and if it's thinking it's dangerous' to quote a certain Lofty Wiseman.
This should cure your problem, HTH?
I feel this is unnecessarily risky.Arm yourselves with a Sig Saur 9mm automatic pistol and a Heckler & Koch MP5.
Use a shaped high explosive charges to simultaneously take out his front and rear windows, pump in large quantities of CS gas, dive in and shoot the first thing that moves, 'If it moves it's thinking and if it's thinking it's dangerous' to quote a certain Lofty Wiseman.
This should cure your problem, HTH?
You ought instead to encircle your besieged neighbour's house with floodlights and high-powered audio speakers, keeping him in a state of sleep deprivation. Regular low-level rotary and fixed-wing overflights should also be part of your plan.
If you follow this regimen for no more than a month or two I predict you'll see a change in behaviour from your neighbour.
Buy a clamp.
Buy a padlock.
Hide in bushes and let an evenings entertainment begin.
If funds allow, when he goes in to phone the police/council/whomever quickly put a second clamp on and then a third and if you manage to do all four shout 'BINGO' at the the top of your voice and run off giggling like a schoolgirl.
Buy a padlock.
Hide in bushes and let an evenings entertainment begin.
If funds allow, when he goes in to phone the police/council/whomever quickly put a second clamp on and then a third and if you manage to do all four shout 'BINGO' at the the top of your voice and run off giggling like a schoolgirl.
trickywoo said:
He is a cock.
Put up with it or move.
What kind of attitude is that? Put up with it or move.
s
t on his windscreen.If you're worried about DNA, I'll come and do it for the price of the petrol and a coffee (~£45).
Please don't think I'm being greedy with the coffee; due to some long term medical problems I only go once or twice a week and will need the coffee (and a cigarette, but I'll supply that) to kick start proceedings.
It won't be pleasant.
50% of the time I need two or three buckets of water chucked down the pan from head hight to get things moving.
You can take pictures, but please keep them to yourself (and close family members) as I don't want to end up being used for medical experiments.
xxx
Bacon.
When I finished Uni the landlord flatly refused to refund any part of our deposit. This was about £200 or so each, and was before I knew about small claims etc. So I just got on with my life
A year or so later a couple of my old housemates came round and we had a lot of beer. After the usual stuff of playing Grand Theft Auto or whatever we were up to, we ended up on the laptop using auto-fill to order this tt a prospectus from almost every single university in the country.
So this tt would have had days on end of 100 page booklets being passed through his post box. That at least made us laugh at the thought; shame we couldn't see it happen. But you can OP!
I don't know if such large prospectuses exist anymore, but something along these lines could work? Sign him up for all sorts of catalogues (sex shop ones are better).
Have takeaways delivered to him; book him taxis/airport runs at 3am; send prostitutes round.
Order him a skip? (this would work better if he was on holiday at the time)
Get the neighbours on board with this one. Get some kids to knock on his door and run away, and when he comes out all of the adults bombard him with water bombs (filled with piss?) or shoot him with paintball guns.
Fill his wheelie bin with concrete?
A year or so later a couple of my old housemates came round and we had a lot of beer. After the usual stuff of playing Grand Theft Auto or whatever we were up to, we ended up on the laptop using auto-fill to order this t
t a prospectus from almost every single university in the country. So this t
t would have had days on end of 100 page booklets being passed through his post box. That at least made us laugh at the thought; shame we couldn't see it happen. But you can OP!I don't know if such large prospectuses exist anymore, but something along these lines could work? Sign him up for all sorts of catalogues (sex shop ones are better).
Have takeaways delivered to him; book him taxis/airport runs at 3am; send prostitutes round.
Order him a skip? (this would work better if he was on holiday at the time)
Get the neighbours on board with this one. Get some kids to knock on his door and run away, and when he comes out all of the adults bombard him with water bombs (filled with piss?) or shoot him with paintball guns.
Fill his wheelie bin with concrete?
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