Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
Coporal Jones met a lovly girl in the army, she was in the catering corps, her name was Tina.
They got on like a house on fire, didnt matter she was a Sargent and he was only a Corporal.
They would often chat in the mess room when he when down for breakfast, and she was cooking up the egg and bacon for the boys.
Time came when Jones had to leave the army, on the final day Tina said "Do you want me to do you a lovly egg and bacon buttie"
He said "Dont fry for me Sargent Tina"
(I am but the messnger)
They got on like a house on fire, didnt matter she was a Sargent and he was only a Corporal.
They would often chat in the mess room when he when down for breakfast, and she was cooking up the egg and bacon for the boys.
Time came when Jones had to leave the army, on the final day Tina said "Do you want me to do you a lovly egg and bacon buttie"
He said "Dont fry for me Sargent Tina"
(I am but the messnger)
Vipers said:
Coporal Jones met a lovly girl in the army, she was in the catering corps, her name was Tina.
They got on like a house on fire, didnt matter she was a Sargent and he was only a Corporal.
They would often chat in the mess room when he when down for breakfast, and she was cooking up the egg and bacon for the boys.
Time came when Jones had to leave the army, on the final day Tina said "Do you want me to do you a lovly egg and bacon buttie"
He said "Dont fry for me Sargent Tina"
(I am but the messnger)
I've had people shot for less than this. They got on like a house on fire, didnt matter she was a Sargent and he was only a Corporal.
They would often chat in the mess room when he when down for breakfast, and she was cooking up the egg and bacon for the boys.
Time came when Jones had to leave the army, on the final day Tina said "Do you want me to do you a lovly egg and bacon buttie"
He said "Dont fry for me Sargent Tina"
(I am but the messnger)
You've let me down, you've let the thread down and, most importantly, you've let yourself down. Go away and think about what you've done and don't come back until you're ready to apologise.
Yes, have skipped back to the beginning of the Internet for this one!
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the f**kin' skipping!
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'
The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the f**kin' skipping!
The last joke reminds me of my early courting days.
my then girlfriend (Lorrain) found out about my second girlfriend (Claira).
Lorraine dumped me.
So I bought this record to remember her by.
I CAN SEE CLAIRA NOW LORRAIN HAS GONE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XtiXiYMS86U
my then girlfriend (Lorrain) found out about my second girlfriend (Claira).
Lorraine dumped me.
So I bought this record to remember her by.
I CAN SEE CLAIRA NOW LORRAIN HAS GONE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XtiXiYMS86U
k me, I knew things were tight up north, but didn't think it had got that bad?!Ok, here goes...
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
Sylvia: Hi! Wanda.
Wanda: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
Sylvia: I froze to death.
Wanda: How horrible!
Sylvia: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
Wanda: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
Sylvia: So, what happened?
Wanda: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
Sylvia: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.
Wanda: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
Sylvia: I froze to death.
Wanda: How horrible!
Sylvia: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
Wanda: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
Sylvia: So, what happened?
Wanda: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.
I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
Sylvia: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.
Life Saab Itch said:
Marty63 said:
what is the joke?
Now can someone explain WHY kids think footballers are role-models, exactly?!?
Vipers said:
Coporal Jones met a lovly girl in the army, she was in the catering corps, her name was Tina.
They got on like a house on fire, didnt matter she was a Sargent and he was only a Corporal.
They would often chat in the mess room when he when down for breakfast, and she was cooking up the egg and bacon for the boys.
Time came when Jones had to leave the army, on the final day Tina said "Do you want me to do you a lovly egg and bacon buttie"
He said "Dont fry for me Sargent Tina"
(I am but the messnger)
Your keyboard must be sorted for whizz, but not Es...They got on like a house on fire, didnt matter she was a Sargent and he was only a Corporal.
They would often chat in the mess room when he when down for breakfast, and she was cooking up the egg and bacon for the boys.
Time came when Jones had to leave the army, on the final day Tina said "Do you want me to do you a lovly egg and bacon buttie"
He said "Dont fry for me Sargent Tina"
(I am but the messnger)
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