Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)
Discussion
Jonboy_t said:
Powerful mushrooms.
Like it. Would fit here: http://www.pistonheads.com/gassing/topic.asp?h=0&a...
king let me. bAnother old one.....
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working too,"
Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a paper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck."Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?" The duck asks again. With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?"says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .
> .
> .
> .
> .
"What the f.... would they want with a plasterer??!"
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working too,"
Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a paper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck."Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?" The duck asks again. With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?"says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .
> .
> .
> .
> .
"What the f.... would they want with a plasterer??!"
The last one is a worthy winner.
6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in
the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
____________________________
5th Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'
____________________________
4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of
Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'
____________________________
3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he
stopped for speeding.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.
____________________________
2nd Place
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.
A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck
under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab
And said to the driver,
'Got stuck, eh?'
The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
petrol!'
____________________________
SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's
final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.
6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in
the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
____________________________
5th Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said,
'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'
____________________________
4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of
Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'
____________________________
3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he
stopped for speeding.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.
____________________________
2nd Place
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.
A sign came up that read ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck
under it.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab
And said to the driver,
'Got stuck, eh?'
The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
petrol!'
____________________________
SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's
final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.
Gassing Station | The Lounge | Top of Page | What's New | My Stuff