Sean Connery Joke Thread (Vol 7)

[Vipers]

sc4589 said:

I saw a woman with four tits today.

She was serving at the dole office, sorting out JLS...

[Jonboy_t]

[Distant]

Jonboy_t said:

[LordHaveMurci]

[Pesty]

Justin Bieber said to be just devastated to hear the news on the Boston marathon but hopes that everyone involved are fans

[Jonboy_t]

[red rider]

Not sure if this has been on here before but it still cracks me up





An 85-year old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical examination.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this, first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
"We even called up Doreen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands,
then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked!

"You asked your neighbour?"

the old man replied "Yep... none of us could get bloody the jar open !!"

[Frimley111R]

[sc4589]

I bought my friend with OCD a picture of the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

He's going to go mental trying to hang it straight.

[Petemate]

My mate said what is a dilemma?" I said, "Imagine you're naked in a big bed. A beautiful blonde on one side and a gay man on the other. Who are you going to turn your back on?"

[spants]

Why would they cancel the game, hasn't it just started?

from:
http://news.sky.com/story/1084315/hotel-swimming-pool-deaths-tests-on-bodies

Hotel Swimming Pool Deaths: Tests On Bodies
A hotel cancels a murder mystery game the night after two people are found dead in the pool - as tests continue on the bodies.

[Distant]

erm...

[MacW]

spants said:

Why would they cancel the game, hasn't it just started?

from:
Click here

Hotel Swimming Pool Deaths: Tests On Bodies
A hotel cancels a murder mystery game the night after two people are found dead in the pool - as tests continue on the bodies.

Fixed it for you

[Asterix]

A man was sentenced to 6 months in prison for having sex with a dog. When his cellmate found out he was so disgusted he said "How low can you get" to which the man replied "a corgi"

[Alex]

My friend Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.

Well, it's what he would have wanted.

[Jonboy_t]

Doctor: "Name"
Patient: "Wayne"
Doctor: "Last Name"
Patient: "It's always been Wayne"

[Marty63]

[Laurel Green]

[Sticks.]

Alex said:

My friend Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.

Well, it's what he would have wanted.

Jonboy_t said:

Doctor: "Name"
Patient: "Wayne"
Doctor: "Last Name"
Patient: "It's always been Wayne"

Like them, 2 new ones to me, thanks

[Jonboy_t]

Doctor: "what's your blood type?"
Chav: "50 words a minute bruv, innit"


A mate of mine had a penis extension. His house looks fking ridiculous.



My wife's dog died, so I did what any loving husband would do and bought her another one. Now she has two dead dogs and is crying a lot.